Daughter says she does not have sexual feelings

[Cee_Cee]

My 16 yo daughter and I have a very close relationship, she has always been very open with me about her life, her friends, has always felt comfortable enough to tell me things about her body that concern her. Like, hey mom I have a mole, it's in an embarrassing spot, but look at it and tell me if I need to see the doctor. She told me when she started to experience changes to her body when she was going into puberty, she actually showed me her chest when she noticed change to confirm that she was ok. Now, I feel like a disclaimer is needed, she has anxiety, and she worries about every change in her body, and she seeks confirmation that it's "normal" to calm her anxieties about it. She does this when she's sick as well. She has had anxiety her whole life and recently been told she's possibly bipolar, she is on 5 mg of Prozac for depression.

She has been dating her boyfriend for 6 months, this is the first boyfriend she's ever had, not due to lack of interest on the boys part, but because she's never been that interested. She told me over the summer that she thought he had a crush on her. I asked her if she liked him and she said She didn't know yet, so I encouraged her to give him the chance, get to know him. So she did and it has been good thus far. If I never encouraged her to be open to it, to live a little, I don't know if she would have.

Recently, she indicated to me that they have done nothing more than kissed and nothing more. I was surprised. The two of them are inseparable and very much in love. They spend a lot of time together, he lives a few blocks away and though we monitor them, they're teenagers. We had another talk recently about sex, I wanted her to know my views on sex, not just the vague ones I've mostly told her thus far, that sex should only be when she's old enough, and with someone who loves and respects her, etc. She said her anxiety stops her from wanting do do more than kiss and that sometimes she doesn't want to do that. She also said that she doesn't feel sexual urges. I was surprised, as a child, she used to masturbate while watching tv or something and I would have to tell her to go to her room (I don't believe in shaming something that is human nature) I told her that it's fine to do it but it should be done in private. So I asked her if she still masturbates and she said no, probably not since puberty, she just doesn't get the urge to.

So, my question, after all this is, has anyone experienced this as well? Have the urge to masturbate as a young girl but then go through puberty to have no urges?

[WorldHero]

I wouldn't worry too much. Some asexuals masturbate and some don't...I actually had the opposite happen to me when I was younger; I never had the urge to do it until I was much older. There's nothing wrong with her not having the urge to do it now, just as there's usually nothing wrong with not getting sexual feelings. From what it sounds like, she could be afraid to act on anything sexual, which is fine too. She could be sex-repulsed, which some asexuals are like that, or she could be still figuring herself out. At 16 years old, she's still at that age where many teens are unsure about their sexuality and are experimenting to find themselves. I didn't figure out I was asexual until I was 21. Now I'm 23 and I'm still trying to figure everything out.

I would suggest to keep being there for her and listening to any questions she has about her sexuality or what she's feeling. Even if she is asexual, make sure she understands that that is perfectly okay and there's nothing wrong with her. After all, it sounds like you have a very good relationship with her already. c:

[Hobbes!]

There could be any number things going on. Maybe she's asexual, maybe she's anxious, maybe she's not ready. The only person who can really tell, is your daughter herself.

I'm a guy, but I can say that when I was younger I masturbated prolifically. I think part of it was expectations (I thought I was straight, and straight teenage boys masturbate, so ... ), partly because a flush of hormones in the brain is still pleasurable, asexual or no. These days, now I know what I am, I don't have any especial desire to do so.

Best thing you can do is keep being there for her like you always have been. If you're anything like my mum you're probably worrying and resisting the urge to make everything all better right now. That's not going to work, and it's not going to help - but for a teenager figuring things out about sexuality, having a parent who's going to listen to her and take her feelings seriously is a huge help

[Tarfeather]

The two of them are inseparable and very much in love.

Did she *say* she is very much in love? That's the only way to tell, really. My girlfriend and I also spend a lot of time together and we seem very lovey-dovey to outsiders.. But really, she's not in love with me at all. It's more like a friendship (or QPR).

She said her anxiety stops her from wanting do do more than kiss and that sometimes she doesn't want to do that. She also said that she doesn't feel sexual urges.

Sounds exactly like my girlfriend, honestly. My girlfriend is asexual, probably something like aromantic. It's a huge difference to a fully romantic asexual, so that's an important thing to keep in mind.

I was surprised, as a child, she used to masturbate while watching tv or something and I would have to tell her to go to her room (I don't believe in shaming something that is human nature) I told her that it's fine to do it but it should be done in private. So I asked her if she still masturbates and she said no, probably not since puberty, she just doesn't get the urge to.

I think touching your genitals before puberty has not much to do with sexual pleasure and is more like a "Oh hey if I do that it feels good" kind of thing. But I can only relate second hand experience since I'm not female and it's completely different for males. There may be any number of reasons she's stopped. Asexuals react differently to libido, and for some it is actually really uncomfortable.

But I would mention this to her doctor since she's taking medication. Particularly during puberty the unexpected side-effects of that can be devastating.

On that note, some general advice: Unless she absolutely needs the meds, I'd get her off them. The effect of anti-depressants isn't really understood and your daughter is in a phase of extreme change with regards to her brain, a terrible phase to be taking any kind of medication that affects the brain in unknown ways. In any case, there are ways to improve a teen's mental health, and they're all about psychological and mental influences and experiences, not about neurotransmitters. And another important thing to note is that as her mom, you are kinda "stuck" in certain feedback loops and assumptions, which may be actively promoting her issues. This is why getting a good therapist and actually listening to their advice is absolutely necessary.

[jennybunny]

Teenage years are a haze of hormones and, speaking from my own experience, interest in sex alone and with someone else fades in and out constantly. I was 19 when I realised I was asexual and before that I was convinced I was bisexual (because I felt the exact same way towards boys and girls and hadn't really realised that the feeling not being sexual was possible). So although it's not impossible to be convinced of ones sexuality at 16, from my personal experience I would advise against it.

As for the masturbating question, I've always gone through highs and lows of it. I remember a period of time when I was 17 when I did it literally every day, sometimes multiple times. Then when I think of being 16, I barely did it at all. Again, I blame the hormones.

I think you're doing the right thing as it is. You're being super supportive and your daughter obviously knows she can come to you about anything; that's a whole lot more than some people have.

[Lydian]

I have heard of anti-depressants killing someone's sex drive before, but it is also possible she's asexual. Not much more to add that hasn't been said already.

[Cee_Cee]

Thank you for your replies, I found the insight to be very encouraging. You all have alleviated a lot of my worries!

[Guest]

TMI ahead: masturbation

Everyone has done a pretty good job of saying what I would have otherwise, however I know for me, as a high libido asexual, Prozac definitely stopped me masturbating. I just didn't get horny at all, ever. All the meds I have been on have effected 'that area' of things. Some didn't change my libido but completely stopped me being able to orgasm, some killed my libido completely, and the last ones I went on to get through a rough patch made my libido even higher than it is already haha. Not sure how long she's been on medication for though? Other than that yeah I guess puberty could have changed her hormone levels etc. For most people it goes the opposite way, but I can see it working differently for others! :)

EDIT and yeah I agree with Tarfeather, she really is too young to be on medication :o but that's for you and her to decide .. Also regarding what Tarfeather said (WARNING TMI) I was masturbating to orgasm from a very young age.. like.. 2 :o .. When I become hormonally aroused it causes me to be agitated, tense, and I get stomach cramps etc, so I just gotta get rid of it., it doesn't go on its own so orgasm is the only option *sigh*. It's not enjoyable though just something that has to be done, like peeing lol.

[Tarfeather]

EDIT and yeah I agree with Tarfeather, she really is too young to be on medication :o but that's for you and her to decide ..

That plus ideally a competent doctor. But given how some doctors are prone to just hand out medication whenever someone isn't "functioning" I'm not too trusting there. ._. So yeah, pretty much up to them, I'm just stating my opinion that a kid/teen should never take anti-depressants unless it's the only way for them to deal with life at all.