Am I asexual? Sorry for the newb q, just really confused!

[leftradical]

I'm sure everyone here is sick of answering this question, so apologies. But how do I know? I've read the FAQs and they're useful but it never even occurred to me until this afternoon that asexual might be a thing that I am. I know that asexuality like any identity has to be self-identified, but I'd really like your opinions - am I ace?

• I am trans* so there's the whole body issues complication, which is historically why I've thought I'm not interested. But reading this question (fourth question down) of whether never having sex with another person again would bother me... no, not really, and seeing that it would a big deal to most sexual people is really alien to me, I just don't get it.
• Which makes me think that maybe I've been confusing romantic interest for sexual interest. I'm pretty sure I'm not aromantic.
• I have never properly had sex. One fumbling attempt when I was 18, not transitioned yet and completely shitfaced, which was the only way I could work up the nerve. I remember being more curious than anything else, and so so uncomfortable. Which, y'know was at least partially because the other guy thought I was a woman, but I'm starting to think that wasn't the only reason.
• Never been sorry I haven't had sex (except when dealing with people who think I ought to be).
• Never imagine myself in sexual situations. Ever. Ew gross.
• Even imagining an idealised version of myself in a sexual situation is... not gross, but not attractive either.
• I love romance fiction, particularly slash fanfiction (het romances are so sexist!), but skim sex scenes - they're usually boring. I can get aroused from it occasionally, but not reliably. I read for the romance not the sex, and I'm just as happy if it doesn't go that far.
• I currently ID as bisexual although I've never felt very happy with that label. I am more romantically attracted to men than women, so I occasionally say that I'm gay, which is better but not quite accurate. I've been romantically attracted to the occasional woman before, and I'm not too fussed about gender lines - love is love.
• Straight or lesbian sex is squicky to me. Gay sex isn't, but as stated above, it gets boring - I usually skim looking for the romantic parts.
• A friend coerced me into signing up for okcupid, because he wanted to, and the difference between our responses are strikingly different to me - he's moaning to me about how attractive people are but without the courage to approach them. I find people interesting from an intellectual pov but I've never looked at someone and thought "I want to do them", and I'm mainly just uncomfortable there - not keen on logging in, trying to escape when someone wanted to talk to me. I'm not shy, just not interested.
• I don't flirt (or at least I don't think I do, although I've done it at least once without realising that's what I was doing) and I absolutely cannot tell when someone is flirting with me. I don't put out signals at all that I know of. I am romantically interested in some people though, although I have anxiety issues, and I'm not sure if I would take a relationship if offered. I think I'd be much more likely to take a non-sexual romantic relationship if offered though than a sexual one. I am lonely sometimes.
• I had a relationship with another guy for three years in my teens, but we didn't do much more than kiss (the kissing was ok for me but not great - too wet and a bit ew), much to his frustration. I would have had no problem getting him off by hand or orally and I kind of wanted to try that to see what it'd be like, to see if it had any effect on me, and because I really liked him, but I didn't want to do anything involving me. Ew. Again through, this is complicated by the fact that I'm trans* although I didn't know it at the time. So maybe if I didn't have body issues I would've wanted more?
• I do masturbate - sorry if that's a bit baldly stated, but it's relevant. I do fantasise while I do so, but it's variations on one specific fantasy, I never imagine myself in the fantasy (ew!), and I don't want it to happen IRL. I do use porn relevant to my fantasy, but written only - visual is 99% fake and boring in my experience.

So in your educated opinions - am I ace? (Sorry for the TL;DR, just really confused here!)

[Amedot]

Hey there, welcome to AVEN

Nobody can tell you what your orientation, now matter how educated our opinions are. However, if you don't experience sexual attraction, you could be asexual.

Asexuality is a spectrum. Some asexuals are repulsed by sex. Some asexuals enjoy sex. Some asexuals aren't interested in sex. Some only have sex with their partners. I recommend going to AVEN's Wiki and reading up on grey asexuality as well as demisexuality, both are within the ace spectrum.

I don't know if gender is influenced by, or influences, sexual and/or romantic orientation. My ex was transgender, and knew her sexual orientation (bisexual) at an early age and was quite confident in it, although some sexual acts did cause dysphoria. I don't know if that person's anecdote helps you or not. I don't feel my gender influenced my asexuality, but I am not transgender (um, that I know of? still figuring that out). There is a Gender Discussion in the forum you may be interested in.

Take care, and I hope you find a label you are comfortable with :) Or not! Not everyone wants or needs a label to define themselves to others. Either way, hope to see you more on the boards.

[leftradical]

Thanks Salogma, I feel like an idiot asking, because it seems like the sort or thing that I should just /know/, but I'm not sure how being trans* affects my ID. Thanks for your suggestion, I'll have a look around that discussion board and see what I find - maybe ask a more 'directed' question :)

[coysythe]

I don't want to tell you who you are, but I thought it might help to tell you who I am. I was always interested in sex, but when it came down to it I just didn't enjoy it that much. Once I knew what it actually felt like I wasn't interested in it anymore. I don't crave it, even masturbation. Sometimes I get casually aroused, but it's difficult for me to carry that over into actual sex (any form). So I identify as gray, because I definitely feel like I relate to asexuality, but I'm not really sure where I am in the grand scheme. Like everyone says, you just have to define yourself with what feels right. Which is hard. Hope this helps.

[Bezzy-Loo]

I'm still pretty new to this whole thing, so anything I say is to be taken with a grain of salt... However, I know that statements from others can sometimes help you figure yourself out, whether it's because you agree or feel they are confirming what you already believe, or because you identify flaws and can thus determine that's not who you are.

So, based on what you describe and assuming that you mean you are physically male and the trans is to female, then by strictly physical standards, I'd say you're probably asexual and homoromantic. Further, following the assumption that you are physically male, since you still seem to be identifying as male as well ("kathoey" may be a term of interest for you if that's the case), I don't think that you being trans really affects it.

At least, that's my interpretation of what you seem to be saying, based on a whole lot of assumptions. ^^;

[WünderBâhr]

@OP: Thanks for sharing your story. While I can't really offer much toward experience with asexuality and trans issues, I can relate on some level, not exactly knowing where I fell in the broad spectrum of orientations, being pan and agendered/indifferent. From what you have posted, i would say that what you describe seems to be asexuality--at least on the lack of sexual attraction bit. There are sex-repulsed and sex-positive asexuals (some are just neutral), so squick factor doesn't help much in defining things. Hopefully, you are able to find a label you feel comfortable identifying with.

Side note: I think it is wonderful how so many members approach these questions. It is heartening to see people offer up their own experiences and words of support/encouragement, instead of boxing each other up. :) Way to go, fellow AVENites! I, for one, appreciate the input.

[leftradical]

Thanks for the input everyone. Good to know I'm not the only one confused! :)

@Bezzy-Lou - sorry I should have been clearer. I'm male but biologically female (although I don't really like saying it like that). All the experiences I've had with romance or sex (apart from masturbation) have been pre-transition as I transitioned when I was 18.

Which is part of what confuses me. I'm fine with sex providing it doesn't involve my body. Like I would be ok with preforming oral on a guy, curious even, but the thought isn't particularly arousing, I don't know whether the reality would. But the thought of even taking my clothes off with someone else is a major turn off. And I've never fantasised anything sexual involving myself, romantic yes, sexual no.

Maybe I might put a more targeted question in the gender thread :) Thanks again!

Edit: Have done here. Hopefully I'm not breaking any forum rules by doing so :)

[scarletlatitude]

I'm not going to try to tell you what you are. Only you can decide that. But from what I read:

• I am trans*
• I'm pretty sure I'm not aromantic.
• Never imagine myself in sexual situations. Ever. Ew gross.
• I do masturbate - sorry if that's a bit baldly stated, but it's relevant. I do fantasise while I do so, but it's variations on one specific fantasy, I never imagine myself in the fantasy (ew!), and I don't want it to happen IRL. I do use porn relevant to my fantasy, but written only - visual is 99% fake and boring in my experience

In my extremely unprofessional, purely hypothetical opinion - you are a trans ace, romantic, who likes to self stimulate.

I'm like that too, but I know that I am hetero. (Homo romantic maybe, but not homosexual)

[123cosmo]

Well (this will be cheesy) do you feel it deep down? Does the term asexual just feel right? No one else can determine this for you. Hope this helps a bit :)

[RK800]

If the label feels right wear it if not then don't even worry about it. :)

But I don't believe being trans would prevent you from being a 'legit' ace.

[Bezzy-Loo]

My mistake and apologies, leftradical. ^^;

I still have to follow with the fact that being transsexual would have no bearing on being asexual. Having a specific reason not to care for sex, such as confusion about your own, doesn't mean you're not asexual, just that you may have something to tie it to in some way. That would be a bit like saying a color isn't really purple because it's a mix of blue and red. Basically, having a potential explanation for "why" you're asexual you still means you are asexual! So yes, it comes down to if the term fits to you. :)

The only point of confusion I can see comes in the homo/hetero part for your romanticism - unless you'd go with bi or pan or such.

[diconstruction]

If you're not quite comfortable with the label, don't feel any pressure to declare yourself asexual or not. The label isn't nearly as important as figuring out who you are, which is always much more complicated than a word or two. And it sounds like you've got your hands plenty busy with transitioning.

As far as I'm concerned as long as you continue to pay attention to who you are and what you want/don't want you'll be just fine. It's nice to remember that not ever desiring sexual activity is perfectly valid option, but as a lot of others have mentioned, it's a spectrum. And of course as you age and mature and transition, things might change or they might not. Just keep actively asking yourself what it is you want romantically and physically. Don't feel pressured to go any farther than you want to, but also feel free to explore a little if that feels right.