Tonzie Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Hello, my name is Toni. I am a new to the asexual concept and consider myself greysexual. I sometimes have these feelings of having children whether I see a mother and her child or thinking privately how I could raise the child and bond with he or she. When I image this, I often imagine me and the child, but no partner. I'm conflicted whether it's unusual to want to have children with little to no sex drive to do so and without another partner in the child's life too. I think this idea originated from how I was raised when I was a child. My mom was the primary source of my care. I had an absent father and a step-father who is supportive, but let my mom raise us. When I look at the situation as a whole, I had a mother and a father in my life, so I wonder why I feel much better raising a child single. If anyone can offer some insight on this issue, I would like to hear from you whether you are a father, mother or wanting to be one. I would really appreciate any opinion on the matter. Thank you! -Tonzie Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mx.Jekyll Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I prefer the idea of raising a child by myself for multiple reasons, the biggest ones being... -No divorce for the child to endure and -Nobody to influence my parenting ideals. I have talked about having children around friends and boyfriends, both past and current, and our views just differ too much. There would be too much chaos. However, I understand the financial burden and the affect it might have on a child being seen as abnormal to the peers. I don't know, I think your thoughts and feelings are totally justified. It's not strange at all to me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
WorldHero Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Every woman seems to have maternal instincts, not just asexuals. c: I have maternal instincts with kids and my little brother too...Sometimes I find myself acting just like my mom when I'm supervising my brother. And sometime in the future, I would like to adopt a baby or two once I settle down with someone. I think with my career, it would be difficult for me to raise a child by myself. If you feel you want to raise a child by yourself, that sounds wonderful. c: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tonzie Posted March 7, 2015 Author Share Posted March 7, 2015 Thanks Manda-Renee, CBC.Radio.Girl and WorldHero. I appreciate your support and helping me feel not so abnormal. :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
kelico Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Yeah, you're not alone! I also have maternal instincts that fire off like crazy sometimes. But my solution is usually to take out my maternal love on my pets, hehe! But yeah, there is nothing wrong with that. : ) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Salmacis Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I'm Grey Area, and my partner and I are expecting our first baby in October. I've always liked children* (so long as they're not screeching while their parents just stand by and do nothing) , but I've never seen my parental instinct as having any solid link with my sexuality. *Having said that, I feel ten times more 'squee' watching chick/duckling videos on Youtube than I do when I see human children. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Our asexual orientation doesn't determine any other feelings/instincts we have -- we're all individuals. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sarika Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 You're not the only one. I have a little thread about starting single parenthood. There are plenty of ace men and women that want to be parents, there's plenty of allo that never want kids. The desire for children and sexuality are not mutually exclusive. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
coyote55 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Yes, and paternal instincts as well, although I don't know how common that is. Since I never married, mine were spread out over 3 godsons and a couple of young cousins in 3 different families. One godson and his wife want me to be a a sort of grand-godfather for their newborn son, which is really cool. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Zaphikiel Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I feel pretty similarly!! I always imagine myself having kids and raising them, but never have a partner in mind really when I'm thinking that way. I don't think that having only one parent necissarily has to have a negative affect on a child's life. I grew up with a single mom and two younger sisters. My life was hard, but as an adult I am a happy person with a strong sense of self efficacy. If I were you I wouldnt worry about if whether or not you wanting to raise a child would negatively affect them in some way, but instead whether or not you are realistically ready for a child and whether or not you think would be a good parent. Regardless of whether or not there are two people raising a child, they all need pretty much the same things: love, time, food, and shelter. If you think you're ready, then you probably are. :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Perseus Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I believe it is natural for all women to one day want to have kids of their own. Whether you have a sex drive or not, a women can still want to have a kid. A sex drive is not the deciding factor for wanting children. Don't feel "unusual". I am the type of completely open minded person that does not believe something is "unusual". That word is just a byproduct of society try to control things and place things in these things called "norms". I personally think that societies ways are stupid. If you want to have a child of your own, with no partner, go for it. More respect to you because I grew up with a great single mom, and those type of moms deserve rewards and trophies for what they do to support their kids. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
OlioB Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Hi Toni. The greatest achievement in my life is my son. I've had him for almost 18 years now and I love him for all the stars in the sky. Although I am asexual, my paternal instincts are as strong as anybody elses and I don't belive that anyone who is ace would be any less a father or mother than anyone else. Of course becoming one can present a problem, but there are ways. In the early days of my marriage, we saw a doctor who helped us through artificial insemination. The result is that I am a dad to a beautiful son and it really is wonderful, so I would ay a big YES to your question. :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 What about aromantics? The close bond that some aromantics seem to want to avoid in a romantic relationship isn't so fundamentally different from a mother-child relationships. Are there aromantics who could still feel deeply connected to their child? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sarika Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 That is very individual. I am sure there are some aros that want to be parents and there are some that do not. Being a parent is not like being a romantic partner. The only similarity is there is time and emotional investment, and there are plenty of aros that are in QPR that involve that even. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
CNGB Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 No, of course it's not unusual. Not all asexuals want kids, of course, but many do--and I'm one of them. :) Though I have to say that I would definitely want another parental figure in my kid's life, or at the very least someone of the opposite gender who has a lot of influence (science says children need influence from both genders). I don't think it's necessarily wrong to want to raise a child by yourself, though, and it's not exclusive to asexuals. I used to be friends with a girl who was something or another (mostly straight, maybe bi or pan) and wanted to raise a kid alone. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nerdperson777 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I think I had an instance of maternal instinct when I was younger, but I'm not sure it applies. I was given a teddy bear with a company logo of the place I was at (family friend owns the place), on it. In the beginning, I said I didn't want one, but after 20 minutes I somehow was holding it dearly. I ended up taking it home and gave it a wife. I was maybe 10 at the time. I have this urge to care for everyone that I deem rightful and sometimes I just get too sympathetic towards neglected people/things. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kanga Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Gray-A here, cannot wait to have kids personally! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jimerman Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 i don't think it is weird. i personally don't like children, but the idea of having children is very common with most people. you can want children and not want the possess of making children. if sex is out of the picture for you than there is still adoption. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RK800 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I don't really want children (though maybe I'd consider adoption one day) however I'd say I certainly have 'maternal' instincts. Such instincts seem to be confused though. My brain tends to aim them towards random people and other animals I care about. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
animanova Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I have them at times, even if I don't want/have children. I don't even know, I just do. And I even strongly dislike children, so no idea there. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tonzie Posted March 7, 2015 Author Share Posted March 7, 2015 Thanks all you guys! All your comments were insightful and supportive helping me better understand myself. :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
cheeringselenator Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Yeah I think that whether you have maternal instincts has nothing to do with your sexuality. I've always wanted kids! I plan on raising kids by myself when I am older. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Angeliss Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I'm grayromantic and I still want to raise children. The only difference for me is that I want to be a foster mom, and not have children of my own. Most of my friends growing up knew I was the mom in the group. I've got those instincts. I was a nanny for years and years. I think I've always known I want kids. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I never wanted kids and always had 0 maternal instincts, but I ended up with two kids without having a whole lot of choice in the matter. I found that once the kids came, all the necessary instincts kicked in and I was able to do all the right things to be a good parent :) ..But yeah I certainly never had any maternal instincts before the kids actually came. I don't remember even having held any of my younger siblings and there were (are) 4 of them haha. Though that's *absolutely* not an asexual thing, just a personal thing. Some women (and men!) have 'children' instincts from a very young age, some just don't.. And some never get them! A persons sexuality however has no baring on what their maternal/paternal instincts will be like, those are something that exist completely separate of sexual orientation (that's my opinion anyway) ^_^ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Grace2373 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I have two boys 15 and 13. Absolutely...asexuals can have desires to parent! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Busrider Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I don't want to be a father. (out of convenience vs. perfectionism). I firmly believe that all people have - would "avuncular" instincts be the correct term? Give somebody time and drop a demanding baby on them and they are somewhat likely to get the baby's issues solved. The ladies seemed a bit more likely to ooh & ahhh & "may I hold it?" than me around babies. But some friends stated that I seemed getting along well with kids in general. - Maybe I am taking my role as a villager in raising them serious? - Anyhow: I don't believe that sexual orientation and parental instincts are interwoven in a serious way. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
*a*rteest Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 it's a very individual thing. I'm solidly childfree (I'm not child-LESS because I'm not "less" anything without them) and had my tubes tied at 27 with no kids. No regrets.I do desire to take care of animals. i love my cats dearly. I don't want to ever see children harmed but I have no desire to deal with them or be around them....so I think it a bit naive to pigeonhole "all" people into a childed or childless mindset.The desire to have children is a spectrum just like sexuality, and as others have said very well, not interwoven at all. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpy Alien Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Anyone can or anyone can not have them at all. I'm asexual, want children, and have maternal instincts. I love kids. But I know people across the board of sexualities who have little to no parental instincts. It's not really dependent on sexuality and is okay no matter what. It's just how you are. It's unique to each person. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wild Seven Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Our orientation has no bearing on any other traits of our personalities and lifestyles and life views. We're asexual, but that doesn't imply a-anything else, or anti-anything in particular. The implications are only about orientation, not everything else people happen to lump in together with orientation, like parenting and a style of commitment and so forth. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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