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I don't know if I'm nervous about having sex or asexual. (mild sexual content)


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I'd like to start off by saying two things. One: I've done some research on asexuality, read the FAQ, and read a few questions that I thought would be helpful, but I'm still uncertain about whether I'm asexual or not and want to know if other people have had experiences similar to mine. Two: I apologize in advance if I misuse terminology or accidentally say something that could offend people. I've only recently started learning about sexuality that goes beyond heterosexual/homosexual/bisexual, and I knew next to nothing about asexuality until a month ago.

Okay, here goes with the personal stuff. I'm a girl and I'm 16 (turning 17 soon). I've had two boyfriends in my life, and I know for sure that I'm aesthetically and romantically attracted to guys (it's the sexual part I'm not sure about). I'm currently dating someone and have been for about seven months. I consider him to be one of my closest friends and I trust him completely, and the thought of eventually having sex with him used to make me happy. We've talked about it, but we haven't been able to because both his parents and mine are very against the idea of us having much privacy. However, they have started trusting us more and it's starting to look like we would be able to have sex in the very near future.

I don't know what changed, but recently the thought of having sex with him terrifies me or I feel absolutely nothing when I think about it. It might be the fact that it went from being a distant possibility to being something that is very real. I know that I still want to be in a relationship with him and I really care about him, but I'm starting to think I just don't want to have sex. I'm not sure if I'm just nervous because I'm a virgin, or if I'm asexual and having sex just isn't something I want to do. Recently, he's been bringing up the topic more and more and he sounds really serious about it, but I've told him that I'm still uncomfortable with the idea. The truth is that I feel a mixture of fear and dread when he talks about it. I don't know if that's a problem with our relationship (which doesn't make sense because things are going great) or if it means I'm asexual.

Just to be clear, I enjoy kissing and making out (sometimes), and we have almost had sex a few times but he wanted it more than I did, so I asked him to wait and he agreed. I also masturbate about once or twice a week (used to be more often), but I've been doing that less often too.

If anyone has had similar experiences and eventually figured things out, I'd love to hear about it. I know it's annoying to see a million threads with people asking the same "Am I asexual?" question, but I have questions I couldn't find the answers to anywhere else.

Thank you, and again I apologize if I misused terminology or said something offensive.

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Badgerclaws

Short answer: Only you can know if you're asexual or not.

Long answer: JUST based on what you've said and my own experiences, it sounds more like nervousness for sex than actual asexuality, but I'm not trying to be a gatekeeper or whatever. Maybe you've built up the idea of sex in your mind, and now that you have an actual chance to do it, you're nervous about it not being exactly what you pictured. Or maybe this feeling of dread is your body telling you you're not ready for it yet (gosh, that sounds condescending, I don't mean in a "you're too young!!!" kind of way, I mean maybe now is just not the time or something, gosh, sorry, that's a messy sentence). It's good that your relationship is healthy and you have strong communication between the two of you, and I'm happy to see that you are talking about it. Whether you're asexual or just nervous, you don't need to have sex if you're uncomfortable. BUT, since you are asking, here's some things to consider: Are you sexually attracted to people other than your boyfriend? Can you see yourself having sex ever (even if it's not in the near future)? Are you under more pressure lately, or has anything major happened in your life (things like stress or starting birth control can affect your sex-drive without making you asexual)?
I hope that helps a bit. Good luck!

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First let me say Welcome to AVEN. Glad you are here. This is your welcome cake.

cool-bd-cakes-5.jpg

Now we take a trip down the rabbit hole.

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If you feel nervous, terrifies, or any other negative feels about having sex, you should not have sex. If you feel asexual, you do not have to have sex to verify it. You just have to evaluate how you feel. Sex should come naturally. It should not be forced or feel uncomfortable. If it doesn't feel right then you should not have it.

When one love themselves and accepts who they are there feelings will guide them on the right path. Insecurities and conflict in life send you on detours that usually go wrong. Attached to my signature are some helpful links that will help you figure things out. Use them wisely and very ask yourself how you feel. Don't let others effect your decision. Your decision is for you and you only and you must live with it throughout life. Have a wonderful day and again, Welcome to the site.

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I just want to thank everyone for the advice (and the cake :D). I'm still not 100% sure if I'm asexual or not (maybe 97% sure at this point). I know this is something I'll have to decide on my own and no one else can tell me who I am.

Thanks again!

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I think it will take some time to figure out. Sex Is A Serious step. I don't know know it weirdly cap locked like that. It could be that are or maybe you aren't. Think about whether you want sex with a boyfriend or at all. think about if you have sex desires or if it is meh kind of thing? I dated a guy and I told him I wasn't interested in having intercourse or at least I waited to wait until I decided I wanted to have it. He respected my decision on intercourse.

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If you feel nervous, terrifies, or any other negative feels about having sex, you should not have sex. If you feel asexual, you do not have to have sex to verify it. You just have to evaluate how you feel. Sex should come naturally. It should not be forced or feel uncomfortable. If it doesn't feel right then you should not have it.

This is very sound advice. As someone who rushed my first time I can attest to making sure you are ready (if you choose to have it at all). I unforutnely fell for the thoughts in my head saying "what if?" I had only recently discovered asexuality but decided I needed to know for sure with sex. Mistake! I felt nothing during and was a mess for days after.

My advice is to be true to your feelings. As Perseus mentioned, don't have sex if it's just for verification. Don't have it if you have any feelings telling you not to. You know who you are, don't feel the need to pretend to be someone you aren't :)

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