BelleStar Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 So I just found out about asexuality on Monday, and think I might be ace. I told my mom what I was thinking and gave her a few days to process it. I just talked to her tonight and she thinks that I shouldn't be putting myself into a "box" because I've never even been in a relationship before and don't know anything about love (yet). I'm a virgin, I've never been kissed, and the only time I held the hand of a guy who wasn't part of my family was during the Our Father during Mass. I've also been verbally abused by my father, so she thinks I'm afraid of intimacy. I'm 20, grown up Catholic and was taught abstinence from puberty on. Never was an issue for me and I still wear my chastity ring I bought for myself. Here are my reasons for thinking I might be ace: 1. I rarely have crushes. People like to talk about celebrity crushes...and I'm like "what? I don't have one. Never have." 2. I don't see what the f is the big deal about f*ing. Like why would you do it if you don't want to have kids? Especially risking STDs and other emotional trauma...why? 3. I don't get dirty jokes most of the time. I was almost secretly proud when I finally got a dirty joke without it having to be explained. 4. I skip over sex scenes in books and zone out during them when they're on screen. 5. I am supremely awful at flirting or realizing when I'm being flirted with. 6. My goal for my high school love life was to be good enough friends with a guy that he would take me to prom senior year. We didn't even have to be dating, I just wanted a guy friend to take me and make me feel like a princess. (It didn't happen). 7. I was completely unconcerned with high school dating. Like I don't have time for the drama and peer pressure to have sex and stuff. 8. My few crushes always end for extremely "practical" reason - usually when I find out he's taken. Then I stop crushing on him, almost instantly without much difficulty. Even my longest crush - a slow one over the course of 7th-12th grade ended with one sad video diary and a brief session of crying. I was over it within 48 hours. 9. I am ridiculously naive when it comes to stuff about sex. Exhibit A: Me at a bus stop, headphones in, chastity ring on my hand, guy sits down next to me and asks about ring. I explain it, and he says "My girlfriend won't have sex before marriage either." I didn't realize that this conversation was heading in a terrible direction from this point until I got home. He then proceeded to ask if I had a boyfriend, if I wanted one, and I thought he was trying to set me up with a friend. He was flirting with me. 10. The idea of sex is not appealing in the slightest. I don't see how that could be fun or why people seem to constantly need it. 11. Urges? Sometimes I imagine kissing people but then I gross myself out. "seriously brain, stop thinking about kissing this person. Don't be gross." Now, my mom's argument is that she wanted to just adopt a little girl when she was my age and be a single mom until her sister told her it wasn't fair to the little girl to grow up without a dad. My mom's response was "I guess I'll get married then." I don't know if she was asexual too or what, frankly I'm not sure if I want to know how sexually attracted she was to my dad (before he got abusive). She'd probably laugh like she did when I told her we both had dermatillomania (obsessive compulsive skin picking disorder). I have dreamed of being pregnant ever since I got my period. I want to have my own children and an adorable baby bump. I want to do all that and I realize that there's an order to these things. I don't think I'm aromantic because I think part of my issue is that I'm really romantic. I'm obsessed with fairy tales and Shakespeare's love stories. Anyway, I guess my question for you is - based on this, do you think I'm asexual? What's the benefit of identifying as asexual? I mean, my dad's really anti-gay, so I don't think he'd take this well. This is all so new to me and I'm a little overwhelmed. Part of me is like, "yes! this is me! There are other people in the world who feel the same way I do! I'm gonna go buy an ace ring RIGHT NOW! I wonder how I would look with subtle purple pride highlights in my hair..." and the other part of me is like "I have no idea what I'm doing with my life and this doesn't really change anything - how much does naming a thing change you? Why should I put a label on myself? Am I just making this up because I'm scared or don't know how to interact with people at all?" Any help you can offer in helping me figure this stuff out would be greatly appreciated. Thank you! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rach24 Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 well it sounds like you are an ace to me everything you have wrote i can totally relate to I feel the exact same. I wouldn't worry so much about labeling yourself or the need to tell people unless you want to. I always thought that one day I would feel the way everyone else does and I would eventually understand what all the fuss is about but I am 27 now (virgin) and I am pretty happy knowing that I am ace and this is who I am who cares what other people think. I told my family recently because it get pretty annoying when they kept saying I have to go out and meet someone blah blah. They don't get it but are cool with the way I live my life I focus on work and hobbies and still socialize with people. I have always identified as asexual even before I heard of the term asexual if that makes sense. I was watching a documentary that spoke about it, Google it then found AVEN and that was such a relief to know that their is nothing wrong with me this is just who I am so yeah its great identifying as asexual. I have kissed a few guys when in high school but only because I thought I had to (peer pressure) never liked it so gross I don't see the point at all. Anyway good luck and feel free to pm me if need help figuring all this out. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Howard Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 It seems to me that you are on the asexual spectrum since your on y attraction to sex ils children. Because you've had crushes, you'd ne romantic. I find it neat to have a definition of what I am because I like to categorise and it makes me feel part of a larger group. Having said that, I rarely share the word asexual, talking about not being into those kind of relationship instead. I get more positive reactions that way. I don't know your real identity, so you'd have nothing to gain from me by making stuff up so I beleive what you're saying is real. In as far as interacting with other, I am not a shrink, but I can see an abusive family membre making it hard to trust people. Nonetheless, interacting can be improved just like any other thing. My suggestion : take a trip down asexuality lane if you enjoy it. Afterall, it's not a marriage and you can take another road if you see it fit. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
(A)rrogant Avian Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 You sound ace to me, I think you should explore AVEN a bit more and find out more about asexuality, and maybe you will find a label that you like even better than asexual (or maybe not) and maybe you could become apart of the community. I never knew chastity rings were a thing, I wonder if they sell rings for never wanting sex.... But that's sort of the ace ring.... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BelleStar Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 Thank you, everyone. Yeah, chastity/purity rings were quite a thing at my church. I think they're more commonly known as purity rings and usually say things like "true love waits" or something on a silver band. I've had three different ones - one looked like an engagement ring, another said "I will wait for" on the inside of the band and "my beloved" on the outer part of the ring. The one I wear now is just a small silver cross surrounded by a few hearts. I used to wear it on my left ring finger, but then people thought I was engaged/taken so I moved it to my right hand. The chastity ring is a reminder of your promise to stay pure until marriage. My understanding is that a purity ring meant you weren't having sex until you were married, but a chastity ring meant you were trying not to even have impure thoughts or something. Honestly wasn't something I thought about all that much to begin with though. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cheerful Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Hi BelleStar. First, do a little self examination to see how much of your religious upbringing is affecting your views on sexuality. ( But we must marry and have children because that's what is expected of us, etc.) I'm Christian myself, so I know how much that affects your worldview. By the way, your foundation for dealing with others of the faith is the words of Jesus on eunuchs and the teaching of Paul on singleness. They were both talking about asexuals. Secondly - you did directly ask the question - welcome to your community, because you are definitely ace. :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
CNGB Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 So far as I'm concerned, if you don't feel sexual attraction then you're asexual. So you sound pretty darn asexual to me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hooded_Crow Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 The answer to the question "can I be asexual if..." is pretty much always yes. Yes you can. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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