Telling my boyfriend

[Just_madison]

So we've been in a relationship for almost 8 months now, and I want to tell him about my asexuality, but I just don't know how to approach doing so.

Our relationship has never been sexual, even from the beginning, which is fantastic for me! We only hold hands, hug, and cuddle on the couch. He's never pressured me into anything or even showed interest in a sexual relationship. We haven't even kissed or even shown any interest in kissing. He's told me that he loves me. It's a purely romantic relationship. Hell, I'm pretty sure he's asexual too, but doesn't know that what he feels is an actual thing. How I managed to find the perfect guy for me, still baffles me.

I really want to tell him that I'm asexual. But I just don't know how he'll respond. Each person I told had a different response. My mother told me that there was something wrong with me, that I had hormone imbalance or something, and that I just haven't met "the one" yet, and that how I identify myself is just a phase and a choice to be celibate.

One of my close friends asked me how I knew if i had never even tried it and I haven't found the right person yet.

But most close friends that I've told are so accepting of it. They support me so much with this. I told my younger sister about my asexuality and what our mom said to me about it, and she even got outraged of how judgmental she was.

I really love him. I do. Being with him feels right. And I dont want him to view me any differently if I do tell him.

How do I even bring this up to him?

Any help would be fantastic.

Thanks :)

[Touchofinsight]

I feel like you should tell him when you both are going to spend a decent amount of time together and somewhere you can both talk in confidence about topics that you may wish to talk in private about. Its something you just have to bring up and start the conversation.

For further guidance:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/100285-a-guide-for-coming-out-asexual-relationships-and-more/

Its a lot to read and I need to revise it at some point but I feel like there is still a lot of good information there.

[Ace of Cakes]

I agree with Touchofinsight. I found out that I was ace around four months into my relationship with my boyfriend and finally worked up the courage to tell him a month or so later. It hasn't always been simple or easy since then, but our relationship is stronger for it and I am so glad that I told him. We've been together for almost a year now, just to put that into perspective.

I can't really say "here's what you need to do" because that's going to be different for everyone, but I can share a bit of my experience of coming out to my boyfriend with you. I had only come out to my sister before then, and to one ace friend, so I really didn't know what I was doing. I sat him down and started mumbling about how I loved him and trying to make that clear and then rambled on until I finally told him I was asexual. Then I defined it and explained that I was still romantically attracted to him and tried to make him understand. He took it really well at first and was so supportive, saying he loved me no matter what. Shortly after he struggled with it a bit, mostly thinking of the future. Our relationship is not sexual due to our Christianity, so my being ace wasn't as big of an issue for the present time, but thinking about the future did scare him (he's heterosexual for sure). I managed to calm some of his fears, in part by admitting I was scared too, but by assuring him that I wanted to make things work. Since then we've had ups and downs, but overall, like I said, I'm so happy that I shared it with him when I did. I know it's scary, but it's worth it.

All that said, I can't predict how it will go, but from what you said you don't have too much to worry about. I wish you the best of luck and wish I could have given more specific advice, but all I can do it say I hope it goes very well for you!

[HannahAy]

I feel exactly the same way in my relationship, we've been together for two years and have been sexual with him but i just never really seemed to enjoy it that much and was always disinterested in it all. Then i came across asexuality and it describes me perfectly, when we're together all he wants to do is lie in bed and cuddle and kiss whereas i wana sit on the sofa and watch a movie! I started to think for a while that I must not love him anymore but I do but I think we want different things :/ Have you told your bf yet? really don't know how to tell mine!

[JCruz]

It's best to just tell him. Make a time and a place and discuss it. It may work out well or it may not. But it's important that he knows. You both will benefit from it.

I told my ex and unfortunetly, it didn't work out but it really put things in perspective for the two of us. We both realized what we want in our relationships and we both realized that we can still be friends (though to be honest, he still feels awkward starting any kind of sex related joke or topic around me. Thinks it will make me mad or something for some reason).

[Just_madison]

Well it's almost been a year together with him and I still haven't told him. I've been contemplating on this a lot recently, and I mean, I think I'll tell him when we consider becoming sexual (not for a long time I'm assuming. He's very Christian). I don't think telling him now would really have any effect considering how we don't really do anything sexual as it is. The only reason I've been considering telling him about it, is because I think he might be as well. But I'm not 100% positive he is.

[sexual_as_fuq]

All I can say is, as somebody that is not asexual, if it's been 8 months and not even a kiss. He HAS to be asexual. He sounds like such a keeper! Please tell him. He's clearly not in it for the sex.

Sorry I know it's not great advice; just my perspective.

All I can say is, as somebody that is not asexual, if it's been 8 months and not even a kiss. He HAS to be asexual. He sounds like such a keeper! Please tell him. He's clearly not in it for the sex.

Sorry I know it's not great advice; just my perspective.

[sara89]

You don't have to use the word "asexual". Maybe you can describe it?
Maybe you can start the topic with something like:

“Do you think sex is necessary in maintaining a relationship?”

I think in a good relationship it should be possible to talk about everything in an easy way.

One year is a really really long time in a relationship without sex for somebody who is sexual.

He definitely doesn't seem to consider sex as very important. ;) You seem to be lucky.

It can’t be ruled out that he is not really asexual though. He could have other “problems” regarding sex…
I'd be curious to find out what's on his mind.

[Xavy]

Tell him you are ace. It would be cool if he turned out to be ace too, remember, only the person can identify their sexual orientation, we cannot do that for them. I would suggest you prepare yourself and think about what you reaction should be if he says that he is not ace and that he doesn't think you are compatible because you are ace. I hope it doesn't get to that, but it helps to be prepared is all I am saying.

[CrystalKat]

I'm not asexual myself, but just from my experience of discussing "hard stuff" in relationships in general, my opinion is that you should do this sooner rather than later. For one thing, it's obviously on your mind, and getting it out in the open will be a relief, no matter how he responds. Also, I think it's only fair to him to know the truth. By being open and honest with him, you'll be giving him a chance to do the same with you.

Lots of times we don't bring things up in relationships because we're scared of the response we'll get. But sometimes you just have to let go of trying to control the outcome and know that, however things turn out, you did your best to be transparent.

[Zahara]

I'm having trouble to find a way to tell my boyfriend too...x_x

Because I had some problems in my last relationship concerning getting physical because of my assexuality I really feel like I should tell my boyfriend about that!

The problem is that that he is VERY shy, romantic and I am his first girlfriend (we're both 24) and all these things make him think twice or more before even holding hands with me

Because of this I feel very uncomfortable to talk about the subject!

I know I should tell him the earliest as possible because it would be easier for him to deal with instead of letting his expectations grown, but I don't know HOW to do that!

I already tried when I explained to him that living in diferent cities wasn't a problem because I don't need to be physically close, but as soon as I let the word "ace" comes out I got very nervous and skipped this part telling him that he could search about it later!

Well, two days after he asked what term I had used that day because he couldn't remember and he wanted to do search about it just like I suggested

But AGAIN I felt very nervous and told him I wasn't sure If I wanted to talk about that!

I don't know, but when I imagined him reading about this part of me I felt very exposed >.<

[Norm]

As someone who was in the position your boyfriend is in (my girlfriend is asexual), just tell him that you want to talk to him and that it isn't anything bad, just important. Then just be honest, it is the best thing you can do. It will be difficult, I'm sure, but if he really is the way you describe him, you need to just do it.

[nutmeag]

Agreed that your SO should be told. Even if you aren't sexual now, it's best to get it out in the open before it becomes an issue, just in case he isn't ace. Honesty is the best policy always. I told my husb (just found out myself), even though I was 99% sure he already had an idea I was ace and even though I figured he had a low sex drive and wouldn't mind the lack of sex. Even with those circumstances, I knew it was still best to have the conversation with him. Communication id everything!

[J4m0nT045t]

Not sure if this is still relevant to the OP or not but it might be helpful to others anyway. As an allosexual in a relationship with an asexual, and based on things I've read on these forums, I think it's very important that he knows. While your relationship may not be sexual now and he may not wnt it to be sexual now, if he wants it to become sexual in the future, he MIGHT feel that his time in the relationship has been 'wasted' if he finds out thatit's not going anywhere. And it seems likely that the longer you wait the more likely he will be to have aproblem with it. I had an inkling my girlfriend was asexual about a week into our relationship (she told me several stories about how all her friends find a guy attractive and she just doesn't get it and she steered the conversation towards asexual erasure a few times) so I politely asked her and sh told me she is and we discussed it. Personally, I didn't really care too much. I have a very high libido but I've known for a long time that sex isn't very important to me and I'm quite happy to masturbate and think about my partner instead of actually having sex. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't always work out badly when you tell a partner you are asexual and the sooner you tell them, the better. I think that goes with anything major in any relationship in which strong emotions are involved. Get it out in the open as soon as possible so the pain of having something hidden from you isn't added to whatever emotions are triggered by the thing itself (Although of course don't tell them until you are ready and comfortable to)


Also, if you feel you'd be more comfortable and that you can explain it properly via SMS or a letter or something, maybe try that? I am TERRIBLE at having these kinds of serious conversations in person so I tend to use SMS and ask them not to respond until I say they can so I can just say everything I'm feeling and get it out without interruption then thy can easily reply and it allows them to go back and reread if they forget something. Although tone can be hard to show through SMS so I have to word it really carefully (or I explain the intended tone in brackets)

Hope this helps!

[Ardhoniel]

I've got the same issue. I've been with my boyfriend for three and a half years, and we've been sexual, but it can be kinda awkward for me and I've never been particularly interested in it. Now I've discovered that I'm asexual and it explains a lot, but now I'm stuck with the fact that I have to tell him? He's bisexual, and I'm sure he'd be really understanding about it, along with some of my friends, I've got no doubt they'd be supportive, but I'm a massive introvert and find it extremely difficult talking about myself and my feelings. So now I'm trying to convince myself I don't need to say anything, that it's not important or significant, and it doesn't exactly change anything, but at the same time they say certain things and they assume things about me that aren't true and I feel that by not saying anything I'm lying to them.