Help? I'm rather confused (sexual and romantic identity)

[aforestfae]

Warning for potential TMI

I know this is a pretty common question and I know people can't tell you what you are.

I'm going to be as honest as I can cause just getting it out of my head might help me figure out if I have a label for how I am, or even better find people with similar experiences.

I don't feel like I fit any area, nothing feels quite right, it could be down to misunderstanding on my part or misinformation.

Ok so I'm a virgin and I've never been in a relationship.

I've only ever had 2 real life crushes in my life (at 21 that seems like it might be a little low for what is deemed 'normal') Typically I crush on fictional characters, hard (and lots of them), but if I hang around someone who I think looks a little similar I get a kind of crush on them too, it drives me mad because I daydream about falling in love with them but I don't actually want them, I'd much rather my fictional crush be real (I know it sounds stupid).

There's never sexual attraction even to the fictional crush, aesthetic definitely even rarely to RL people but that is fleeting and uncommon.

I make up a big fantasy life in my head where my fictional crush is part of my life and I end up kind of loving them I suppose, I can fantasize about sex with the character as my lover and part of me really wants that, someone I can be so intimate with, the characters appearance isn't what triggers the sexual desire, it's more a face/body to my fantasies.

I don't experience romantic attraction to real people, I don't get close to people and if there isn't aesthetic attraction then (as awful as it sounds) I don't feel romantic attraction can happen, but aesthetic attraction doesn't happen either! It really saddens me because I've spent a lot of my life hoping that one day I'll fall in love but I don't know if I actually can.

On to the potential TMI bit here (this is stuff I don't even like to admit to myself)

For a week or two each month (sometimes even longer depending on my hormones) I get horny, really bad and really easily, sometimes multiple times a day, I can satisfy it (although it never feels enough, I don't think I orgasm but if I do it doesn't seem to be this big deal that people make it out to be), but it comes back and it drives me mad because I feel guilty and a bit wrong for doing it, especially if I watch stuff to 'help', once I get over the urge I don't like to continue watching it, I feel even worse watching it but my imagination doesn't always do it for me, it makes me feel bad because it's frowned upon (especially for females it seems)to watch porn, it's an intimate act and the videos just looks a bit stupid to me, the way people act in such things just makes it feel so fake, sex to me should be something intimate and loving not just to satisfy yourself or for the entertainment of those watching, there has to be a closeness between people having sex to me, I just don't understand the desire to sleep with someone without that.

I do desire sex one day when I'm married and in love, but I question if sex is really all that, but having someone to share the moment with sounds really nice to me, I think I connect sex and love as being just a pleasurable show of affection and trust.

I don't know I'm sorry this was really long and I've probably forgotten bits.

Am I the only one or are there others like me on here?

What even am I?

[Hooded_Crow]

I used to feel very bad about my libido and guilty for masturbating. Just like you, it felt like a base thing, almost like an addiction.

I eventually accepted, through reading more aboutasturbation and through discovering the asexual community (who is very open and adult about masturbation), that this was something of a bodily function that felt nice and that I shouldn't feel ashamed or guilty.

And now I have a partner who is asexual like me, and I do feel comfortable and happy sharing that relieving of my libido with him (cyber, because we're long distance). I like it because it's intimate and emotional. The physical sensations are the same, but the emotional component makes it much nicer.

Maybe that is what you want? To turn the relieving of your libido into a loving shared experience?

If that sounds like something you relate to, then just know that I'm not sure myself if I'm more demi or asexual. I still call myself asexual for now because 1. It's all been cyber so far so I'm not 100% sure it would happen IRL, and 2. I still don't feel that my partner or anyone else is hot or sexy, this is more about intellectually accepting to share intimacy than any kind of primal instinct.

As for the fictional character, some people on here call themselves fictoromantic. I don't personally like all those very specific words for niche preferences. But the word is there ^^

If you've had like two crushes on real people in your life, then maybe some kind of greyromantic? I'm the same. I've been in love twice and had a tiny tiny bit of an emotional interest in a third person. I'm 25. So yeah. I identify as demiromantic.

:) hope this helps.

[aforestfae]

I used to feel very bad about my libido and guilty for masturbating. Just like you, it felt like a base thing, almost like an addiction.

I eventually accepted, through reading more aboutasturbation and through discovering the asexual community (who is very open and adult about masturbation), that this was something of a bodily function that felt nice and that I shouldn't feel ashamed or guilty.

And now I have a partner who is asexual like me, and I do feel comfortable and happy sharing that relieving of my libido with him (cyber, because we're long distance). I like it because it's intimate and emotional. The physical sensations are the same, but the emotional component makes it much nicer.

Maybe that is what you want? To turn the relieving of your libido into a loving shared experience?

If that sounds like something you relate to, then just know that I'm not sure myself if I'm more demi or asexual. I still call myself asexual for now because 1. It's all been cyber so far so I'm not 100% sure it would happen IRL, and 2. I still don't feel that my partner or anyone else is hot or sexy, this is more about intellectually accepting to share intimacy than any kind of primal instinct.

As for the fictional character, some people on here call themselves fictoromantic. I don't personally like all those very specific words for niche preferences. But the word is there ^^

If you've had like two crushes on real people in your life, then maybe some kind of greyromantic? I'm the same. I've been in love twice and had a tiny tiny bit of an emotional interest in a third person. I'm 25. So yeah. I identify as demiromantic.

:) hope this helps.

That sounds like me, it certainly seemed to connect for me :)

I'm not sure about fictio, I fear it just makes is seem like I can't fall in love with a real person, which is pretty saddening when you've spent so much of your life wanting love. I'm not sure I like the term for myself, I debate but it doesn't feel quite right for me

[aforestfae]

Bit quiet here, sorry I know it's a lot of text

I did think of something else I don't know if it's relevant but I find if I have aesthetic attraction to someone, even if it's fleeting and soon forgotten I do want them to reciprocate, I don't know if that's more down to fears and lack of self esteem rather than being something I'd feel regardless I mean if it was a choice between winning the lottery and having someone like how I look I think it's pretty pointless to say but I'd have the money any day over that (now if it was love vs money it would be different lol)

[Guest]

why not just leave it at "questioning" until you're older and have more experience? there's nothing wrong with not knowing exactly where you fit. Lots of people here identify as "questioning" ..

[aforestfae]

Well I think I might be demi, I've gone full circle and now I think demisexual and demiromantic based off of the demisexuality,org website (gut feeling was 'this is me') and my fantasy relationships, I always imagine that I'd get close first before actually wanting to go further romantically or sexually, I've never been interested in RL people but I've never got as close to a real person as I have to a fictional character (as odd as that may sound)

[Hooded_Crow]

Gut feeling is ultimately the only important thing here.

[AlwaysBeKorra]

[TIM warning ;)] I can totally relate to what you're saying! I never had a crush, though, but I really want to, and I feel that I will be able to have one, if I really know the person well and become friends first. I definitely see what you mean with the "fictional" crushes. I long for a romantic relationship the way sexuals might long for a sexual/romantic one, and I very often "dream up" a guy, maybe based on a fictional character, to have a "relationship" with. I have always loved to make up stories, so I would maybe take half an hour before I sleep to make up the story of our meeting in my head :D It sounds super weird, but that's how I "get by". The fantasies sometimes end with sex, but in "real life" I never get turned on by "real" people. I masturbate, and I had a pair of "hippie" parents that were very open about sex, so I don't feel ashamed by it. I sometimes think that I might be single forever, because it could be hard to find a romantic partner who's equally just not that into sex.

[aforestfae]

[TIM warning ;)] I can totally relate to what you're saying! I never had a crush, though, but I really want to, and I feel that I will be able to have one, if I really know the person well and become friends first. I definitely see what you mean with the "fictional" crushes. I long for a romantic relationship the way sexuals might long for a sexual/romantic one, and I very often "dream up" a guy, maybe based on a fictional character, to have a "relationship" with. I have always loved to make up stories, so I would maybe take half an hour before I sleep to make up the story of our meeting in my head :D It sounds super weird, but that's how I "get by". The fantasies sometimes end with sex, but in "real life" I never get turned on by "real" people. I masturbate, and I had a pair of "hippie" parents that were very open about sex, so I don't feel ashamed by it. I sometimes think that I might be single forever, because it could be hard to find a romantic partner who's equally just not that into sex.

Sorry this took me so long to respond to I couldn't connect to the website.

Anyway I was going to say that I do the exact same making up stories before bed thing, helps me get to sleep now although I find it helps initially but eventually it can make me feel worse because this dream guy never turns up and then I think I'm making things worse for myself in terms of a future relationship (and if I can ever have one).

I think I'll be single for a long time because not one person interests me enough to want to even consider dating them, I want to be ok with that but sometimes it's not a nice thing to realise about yourself.

[binary suns]

:D It sounds super weird, but that's how I "get by".

nah, you prettymuch just described my own experience :P sounds normal by my vantage xD