Sexuals -- So, what's your situation?

[brbdogsonfire]

1) What is the situation with your significant other? In other words, what are his or her likes and dislikes - and how much compromise is there?
When we first started dating she told me she was ace at the end of our first date. We discussed how it would effect a relationship, and we decided we would attempt to have a compromise in which we would take things slowly and not have sex often. Besides sex she said she likes cuddeling which is a major part for me. Honestly the compromise we outlined when we first started dating has been ignored for my needs as we have been together for a year and a half now with no sex, and there is always a reason from her to not do anything sexually.

2) Where are you at mentally these days in terms of being able to grasp and accept it?

Where am I mentally? I feel ignored and led on at this point. I am starting to accept that my relationship will never have sex in it.

[janicecakes]

2) Where are you at mentally these days in terms of being able to grasp and accept it?

The Asexual reveal was something of a double-edged sword - one on hand it explained why we weren't connecting sexually, (i.e. it wasn't that I'm horrible and unloveable) but it also closed the door on me getting what the 10th grade me wanted: the external validation that a woman desired me sexually.

This is, as my father would put it, "another fucking growth opportunity". I need to work towards not needing external validation - I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me, even if my wife doesn't really want to have sex with me.

Ditto ditto ditto. Its pretty amazing how many of these I could have written myself.

1) What is the situation with your significant other? In other words, what are his or her likes and dislikes - and how much compromise is there? I'll make this quick. Husband doesnt want sex. EVER EVER EVER. He isnt attracted to me. I have gained weight over our years together (16 strong this year) It was so hard not to blame myself on why we werent having sex. I'm losing weight now, but I know it wont change his desire to have sex. There was always an excuse followed by me feeling ugly and unloved. I just found this site almost a week ago and it is the best one i've come across. My husband says he isnt asexual, but either way he isnt interested. He loves me and I know that. He is the best person in the world. A great dad. Amazing to me. Helpful, funny and always trying to make me feel better on gloomy days. On any other place i've been online the answer is always to get a divorce. That is so stupid in my mind. If something happened to my hubby to make him physically not be able to have sex I wouldnt automatically think, 'well thats it, time to find someone new!' You cant replace someone you love like that and i'm not about to!

2) Where are you at mentally these days in terms of being able to grasp and accept it?

When i found this board and made a mental decision that I was done having sex so that hubby and I could live a good life instead of me whining about sex then the weirdness and arguments start, I felt free. Something came off my shoulders because I gave myself permission to not try with sex anymore. That alone makes me feel better. No more him feeling bad or getting angry with me for wanting sex. No more me wondering if I'm too ugly and undesirable. No more. Just us having a good life and enjoying the ups and downs we already have. I am Christian and this is the first time I am giving something up to God, whole-heartedly. I wanted sex last week and wished for it, looonged for it. But instead of having the empty feeling of masterbating, or begging hubby and getting ready to get shot down, I prayed for God to take it out of my hands. I actually felt better about it. More than I have in years. I know its not an all over cure all. There will be struggles, but frankly I'm pretty sure i'm going to be happier in the long run. I love my husband so much. I'm happy to move on in our marriage. So to answer the question I'm sad, and so free'd at the same time.

[janicecakes]

2) Where are you at mentally these days in terms of being able to grasp and accept it?

Heres what happened yesterday.

I was having a horrid morning. That kind of morning when you know it will take a while to recover from. Hubby took the kids out for fun so I could finish what I was doing and get a little break. I turned on a movie and watched an older couple pull each other onto their bed giggling. 'Movie sex' I thought, and tried to let it go in my mind. But, since I was already emotional from such a rough morning, when a second scene came up that was a different couple just pulling each other in for a beautiful, desirable kiss, I lost it. It wasn't a movie about sex, or intimacy, it just showed a piece of their lives and, although those images were brief, I felt the pain all over again. I had to tell myself over and over that I was okay, and remind myself that I would much rather have my husband and great marriage as opposed to sex. Good gravy this isn't easy. Some days are easier to let fly by. Others, like today, not so much. I seem to let my eyes wander back to the mirror when I am there to wash my hands or passing by it, and always the question hits, 'Am I really so undesirable?'.

Hubby didn't do anything wrong. Its not his fault he doesn't feel passion the way I do. It'll be okay. Here comes the saying, 'This too shall pass."

Hang in there fellow sexuals. I'm here too, we're not alone in this.

[Scorned18yearsandcounting]

I just joined today. I have been married to an asexual man for 20 years. In the second year, 18 years ago, sex stopped. No reason given except, he does not have any desire towards me or anyone else. He reminds me he doesn't want any one else either, as if that will make it better for me. It does not. Now we are down to once a year, and ONLY after humiliating begging from me. I honestly just want to die. He professes his love and begs me to stay. So now I have stayed 20 years, and at 54 who wants to try and start over? So. I exist in this pitiful unloved position. You young people should run like hell. My husband is perfectly capable of performing, but due to his own selfishness, he does not. I secretly hope he dies. I need somebody. The last two years, it has not been once a year after the begging crap, it is getting closer to every year and a half. ugh. Shoot me now, I don't seem to have the courage. My husband is a handsome 6ft 5 in man. My friends assume he's banging my brains out. HA.

[janicecakes]

My husband is a handsome 6ft 5 in man. My friends assume he's banging my brains out. HA.

My husband is very good looking. He has insomnia and whenever friends talk about that they always assume because you cant sleep you must be having sex, naturally. To which I laugh the 'if you only knew' giggle, and put on my brave face.

I am so sorry that you have to be here for support. I wouldnt easily wish this on anyone.

Question. Other than your sex life, is he a good husband?

If not I don't think i'd stay. You still have lot time to find someone. But I understand the hesitation.

Hang in there Mrs. Scorned.

So now I have stayed 20 years, and at 54 who wants to try and start over? So. I exist in this pitiful unloved position.

Side note: My mother and father we're married for 22 years when it all went to shambles. My dad seemed to have no interest in sex. My mother had an affair after I think, 10 years going by. Their longest stretch was 2 years. After the divorce, she remarried, and complained of not getting enough sleep- for the right reasons.

I should add I can talk lightly about this because my mom and I are best friends. Funny when they say 'you marry your dad' I didnt know i'd marry someone with the same non-existent sex-drive. So weird. My dad remarried and she divorced him after 2 years because SHE wanted more sex. (Thankfully I heard that through the grapevine, my father and I dont talk about sex. Lol) Now he remarried again, and they seem fine. Maybe she doesnt like sex either! Ha ha.

[Daisie]

I totally understand the "bait and switch" feeling. When my husband and I first met and progressed to dating, we had sex like crazy, every opportunity we could. He pulled away after about a year, when I was in a low point and had said I felt like I might be asexual. He spent more and more time away from home, and I'm pretty certain he had at least one affair, I find out about even more women when he opens up and talks when he's out of his head on Xanax and forgets who he's talking to. He claims it has been himself being asexual that has made him pull away.

So we went from deep intimacy, always holding each other and physically touching, to me not even being able to recognize his scent (I'm pretty pheromone driven). We have sex maybe a couple of times a month, and spend a lot of time in our own mental worlds. We don't look at each other, he sits with his back turned to me most of the day. So we deal with asexuality by sweeping it under the rug and we get further and further apart every day. Marriages need intimacy, emotional at least. It isn't just the no sex that has killed us, it's the lack of the easygoing, happy companionship that we once had. I keep hoping that will come back, but we just get further and further away from it. I don't want to change who he is, but it hurts when I see him flirt with women on the internet, when he hasn't said anything nearly as sweet or kind to me in years. I have lowered and lowered my expectations, but I am frankly just exhausted and totally over being called nasty names if I bring up anything that I miss or would like to see (and I don't mean anything sex related). At some point, I have to look out for my own mental health.