Can being nervous about sex be confused with asexuality?

[anon6590997]

Hi everyone,

I have never posted on anything like this, so please bear with me if I am not following proper ettiquette, or are using the wrong terms or anything like that!

So I am in a relationship with a guy who I believe may possibly be asexual. He is 22 and has no interest in having sex with me. He has also never masturbated. We have a very honest and trusting relationship, and have talked about sex and the fact that he has never had an interest in sleeping with anyone, has never watched porn and has never wanted to masturbate. He is basically very uninformed about sex, there are several very basic concepts that I have had to explain. He does seem to have an interest in kissing and removing my clothes but seems clear on the fact he does not want to go further.

I am not sure how to distinguish whether he is just extremely nervous about sexual intercourse, and this is making him not want to try any of this stuff. Or if he may be asexual.He is a generally nervous person. I am worried that if he is not asexual then telling him he could be will scare him even more and mean that there can never be anything more to our relationship. I don't want to make him think he doesn't want to have sex before has even tried it.

I am hoping somebody can give me advice on how you can distinguish nerves from asexuality, when you first potentially realise that you are asexual. And I was wondering to what extent can you tell that you are asexual without having tried anything of the kind?

Thanks everyone!

[Potatwho]

You can't distinguish asexuality from nervousness but I can say if he's never masturbated he's most likely to be a non-libidoist asexual.

Asexuality is not being sexually attracted to people so you can tell if your asexual without having sex(but it can be difficult when your a grey asexual)

[Titus Oates]

It can easily be confused, but there is a difference. Asexuals do not experience sexual attraction, whilst those who are nervous about sex experience attraction but do not want to act on it.

However, it is easy to confuse,

a) because of a misunderstanding of asexuality - many people think it means people who don't like sex, have low sex drives, or are sex repulsed. It is not the same thing - asexuality is a sexual orientation like heterosexuality or homosexuality. It's about who you're attracted to, not what you like or dislike doing in bed;

b) because sometimes a person can dislike the idea of sex so much that they barely feel sexual attraction. I suppose it's a kind of coping mechanism. Some asexuals fall into this category.

If you want a personal perspective, I was never interested in kissing or removing anybody's clothes. I'm not nervous about sex, and I have had sex a couple of times; I just don't want or need it. Finding out about my own asexuality was a long process, despite the fact that I'm one of the more "straightforward" cases - I had never been attracted to anybody, romantically, sexually or otherwise.

So, it's impossible to say for certain if your boyfriend is asexual. From the information you provided, he sounds like he's attracted to you, but has a low sex drive, and/or he may be nervous about "going the whole way" with you. This happens to a lot of people.

On the other hand, there's a chance he could be asexual, and attracted to you romantically but not sexually.

It's always good to be more informed - many asexuals feel that if they'd found out about the possibility of asexuality sooner, it would have saved a lot of emotional anguish. You might want to bring it up with him, by showing him one of the recent articles on asexuality - I think there was one on Wired? -, but without suggesting that he might be one, which could make him feel misunderstood or pressured to fit into a box.

If you are interested in knowing more about asexuality, have a read of the forum - there are a lot of stories about how people came to the realisation that they were asexual. What you'll probably realise from doing that is that all asexuals have completely different stories and experiences and there isn't really a textbook asexual. It's something someone has to figure out for themselves, and all you can do is give them the information that might help.

[ranting ferret]

i was very uninformed for a long time, that and a few other things made me very nervous about most sexual activity. for a long time, this included kissing.

i slowly started to learn about things on my own. i was still not that interested in sexual things and certainly not sex. my SO was extremely patient with me (as we dated). he would offer advice and talk to me and answer any questions i had the best he could. and stayed very calm about it all, letting me make the decision and we'd "meet halfway" on everything including leaning in to kiss, i chose how things happened, etc. because he was okay with pretty much whatever i was.

i felt frustrated and confused a lot. (and later would figure out that a lot of my confusions had to do with being on the asexual side of life). i still didn't want to have sex, even as we gradually would do more sexually related things. to me it felt like to huge of a step, and i wasn't feeling the need (also no sexual attraction, i just wasn't aware of it at that time).

i also didn't want to until after being married or equal type of commitment. some of this involved retained ideas from my beliefs, some was to do with having a commitment i understood (after years of dating, this was getting discussed), some of it was a way to help me avoid doing so because i was scared. when i say scared i mean that was the only reason we hadn't married a year to year and a half sooner.

we did marry and did eventually have sex and it was very hard for me for a while dealing with things, but the same rules applied as had for other things before. many months later as i continued to learn about sex and sexuality, i still had question about sex. less because i was terrified by it and more that i didn't understand it or the "need" further searching and question led me to asexuality. and i 'm not sure where in the area i am with it, but i'm definitely there.

that's my story, maybe it helped?

[ranting ferret]

after rambling on me, i forgot to leave advice i wanted to leave with you. said advice is based on my personal views and experiences (see rambly story above)

thoughts:

some people are genuinely uninformed. are they curious? would they like to know to have the information or because they want to have the experience?

if they don't care at all, would they be willing to learn some basics about the body in general as it may pertain to their health? (i learned some stuff that didn't really have to do with sex, but keeping parts healthy)

i also have never desired to masturbate and haven't seen porn. given my reaction to seeing sex on films, even toned down, i think seeing a porno would send me to a corner crying. i (and maybe others) simply don't care, are repulsed, have other things going on that make such things hard. it could be a sign, but it is also just how that person is.

hold conversations. as it sound like you already have. this may not be something cleared up in one talk. but off and on discussion about the various different aspects of it. allow him to ask questions, ask him your and give plenty of time for him to come up with a response. make it clear that you are doing this out of love and will support whatever he chooses. if he doesn't want to have sex before he's tried, respect that. if he has fears, slowly discuss what those are. this sounds like a thing that will take time and communication, no matter what.

be sure that he know you enjoy being with him besides sexual/physical aspects. say so in the moment and outside of it, be sure to have plenty of non-sexual time together

do small things for a short amount of time (that aren't quite sex) if both of you are: okay with, have discussed before, keep open communication during and will stop any any point if necessary, talk about it after

i would recommend letting him decide about asexuality. especially as things are now.

[Mike D]

So I am in a relationship with a guy who I believe may possibly be asexual. He is 22 and has no interest in having sex with me. He has also never masturbated.

If I may ask, was this guy raised in a very conservative religious household or community?

[Kirbyfan66]

The above post brings up an excellent point. While not all religious people are nervous when it comes to sex, it's definitely something to take note of.

Another thing to note of: Does he know what celibacy is? The act of choosing not to have sex, ignoring the fact that he feels sexual attraction? Celibacy and asexuality are two different things, although they are similar and are difficult to differentiate when you're unsure of the differences. Basically, as I said before, celibate people do feel sexual attraction (hetero/homo/etc does not matter), but choose to not have sex, be it due to personal beliefs, some form of trauma, or a variety of other reasons. Asexuals simply don't feel sexual attraction.

[Calamity Jim]

It could be that he's nervous because he's never experienced any of this before. I didn't take up masturbating until my early twenties because of how I was raised. Not religiously. We just did not talk about it. And it is something I enjoy.

Porn was difficult, but I've found some that didn't involve actually sex that I enjoy. Also, I like reading love stories because I enjoy the emotional bonds the characters build.

I find kissing to be painfully boring, and that was my first hint, that I ignored. But when I was dating I played along because I was seriously curious. I wanted to know what being in a sexual relationship was like because I was raised in a world where that's what you do and I was convinced I just hadn't had my 'awakening.' And then I thought I was gay. And then I was half right about that. But the biggest hint is this thing that is supposed to happen to everyone, my Xander clotheslining myself because I saw Buffy moment, never came.

I suggest letting him do his thing at his pace and talk with him. Ask him to tell you how he feels and to be honest and that you won't judge. And do the same with him. If he is sexual this is great because it means you guys are open and communicating and can figure out what both of your turn ons are at a safe pace. The assumption of hyper masculinity and that guys need to have sex all the time. They don't and they can feel just as awkward about sex as ladies but face the social pressure of not being allowed to have that feeling. If he isn't it gives him a safe space to discover this. And asexuality is on a scale. I know an asexual who is in a sexual relationship. He finds sex to be boring but he enjoys making his partner happy, so he is genuinely interested in having it, just not for the usual reasons. So even if he is asexual it doesn't mean things are over before they start.

Go slow. Communicate. Basically how you should handle every relationship ever.

[KevCo]

Being nervouse about sex can absolutely be confused with asexuality. A large number of people on here are careful not to decide too much too early. However if your partner feels and thinks as he does, and has never masturbated, I'd say odds are almost certain that he is asexual.

For myself, at the age of 33, I decided to give myself more freedom to see what/if sex would work for me, as well as to be more open to romance. I figured this could be somewhat hard on me and take time to process. Basically after months (months longer than I hoped) I returned to roughly where I was before- I'm basically asexual. There are some asterisks to that, and more than there were in the past. I can be interested, but it's not worth the emotional stress and the disgust I feel that outweighs the little bit of fun that is less fun than a lit of other things. As long as I'm happy and not bored, I barely think about sex anyway.

I would encourage this: create lots of opportunities for him to speak up. Open-ended conversations that explore these topics might make it more comfortable, and encourage him not to over-define what he is or what he likes.

[C-Lo]

I presume you two are romantically involved in a serious-type of relationship?

And that you're not just out to take his virginity? Yes, I've come across a few people like this.

Having been in a serious romantic relationship with an allosexual girl in high school (my only serious relationship so far), and considering I had no idea what asexuality was or that it even existed at the time, some of this sounds familiar to me. I am generally a nervous fellow. My high school had sex education classes, so I was already familiar with the process, but when it came down to the heat of the moment, I could never bring myself to "go all the way" with her.

And yet I loved her, thoroughly enjoyed her company, enjoyed cuddling, and kissing her. But the idea of intercourse really turned me off. Had I been aware of the asexual spectrum and the distinction between different types of attraction (regardless of whether some of us subscribe to any of them), I realize now it would have saved years of confusion. I don't doubt I was nervous about intercourse, but did not doubt I didn't want it either. This led to an intense state of confusion, because without an awareness, I couldn't reconcile my romantic and emotional feelings for her with the expectation or idea that I was supposed to have sex. I couldn't even begin to explain any of this to her because I had no reference. I think this was one main reason that drove us apart, and has probably kept me from emotionally bonding with anyone else since then.

If I could go back, I would explain to her who I am, how I know, and that I may be willing to compromise to a degree, but that I don't want to have sex with her. But also that this does not mean I don't love her.

Communication is important in pretty much any relationship. It sounds like the two of you have created a safe space between each other where you can discuss most anything. And so if you two really are indeed honest and trusting of each other, and can openly discuss sex, then you SHOULD be able to bring up asexuality. He may be uncomfortable yes, but on the other hand it may turn out to be an orientation he identifies with. Perhaps he does not know what asexuality is.

Please be understanding and patient whether he is or is not asexual. You should each discuss your emotional and sexual needs. How? I couldn't say. I'm not a therapist and such a conversation will be unique to the two of you. Lots of advice here about this in the forums. But also understand that he may simply not want to have sex. Perhaps ever. Does not mean he does not love you if this is so. Maybe at a certain time in the future he may be open to trying it. Maybe not. Starting to see how it comes back to the communication part?

Bottom line: communicate. I hope this helps.