Q: Atypical Asexual? Relationship Help Needed

[Cowboy Dan]

^♫Well.

First off, a hearty hello to the AVEN community. This is my first post, and to be fully transparent and honest with you all, I must admit that I am not a cowboy by any stretch of the imagination. Nor is my name actually Dan. I apologize for the confusion. I stumbled across this forum because I've been doing research on account of someone that I care very much about, and would like to share my (personal) story to those willing to read and provide insight.

First and foremost, this is a lengthy read. I truly and deeply appreciate anyone who takes the time to dive in. I tried to leave no leaf unturned for the sake of accuracy and thoroughness. I did my best to keep the text relevant to my situation, interesting to read, and grammatically bearable. If it's at all overwhelming, I have no problem condensing it down to a TL;DR version.

I come to this community because - by and large - I've hit a bit of a recent snag in an otherwise beautifully smooth relationship, and it's left me a little confused. I am a heterosexual male who's fallen hard for a (self-proclaimed) bisexual asexual girl. I do not mean to use the term "self-proclaimed" facetiously -- I've just had many experiences (outlined below) that lead me wanting to know more about - but not question - my girlfriend's sexuality. Please bear this in mind just in case I accidentally use a phrase or word a sentence that would imply otherwise. The truth is that I wouldn't haven taken the time to register on this forum and share this story if I didn't truly care about her and our situation.

So without further adeiu...

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The girlfriend and I have know each other for about 6 months, and have been dating for a little over 3 of those. Back in November, our first date consisted of Starbucks coffee and approximately 7 hours of conversation. Among this conversation, a lot of random tangents were covered. Gender orientation and sex came up. I'm a 26 year old heterosexual male who's only slept with a couple of girls, all in the last few years. She is on the cusp of 20 and identifies as bisexual; that is, she can find anyone of either gender attractive. She tells me that she's had girlfriends and boyfriends over the years, but this doesn't phase me or deter me. (As it shouldn't.)

When we get to the subject of sex, we both agree that it's grossly overrated in society. We talk of our specific friends who insist that they need it to survive, right there with sleep, oxygen, and food. And we talk about how it's made to be this end-all, be-all hop topic in today's culture. We don't discuss our sex lives on the spot, but I'd wager to say that she's had sex with more partners - men and women alike - than women I've been with. This, too, does not bother me.

Amidst that sex conversation, she says something akin to "Yeah, sex is definitely overrated. I don't get it. I mean it can be good, but it's not this tremendous thing that I absolutely need. In fact, I could probably go my whole life without having sex again and I'd be okay with it."

I smile and nod, thinking that maybe she's reaching for hyperbole. But honestly, sex isn't that big of a deal to me either (right? right) and I'm kind of crazy about this girl. Sounds like we're on the same page.

Flash forward a couple of weeks.

There is a lot of sex. And it is great sex. (At this point you may be wondering why I'm even posting on this forum. But please; bear with me.) There are weeks where I'm staying the night at her place more frequently than my own. There are various positions that I'm not familiar with; there's late night sex that leads into spooning and quality sleep, followed by morning sex. There's car sex. There's oral sex. It is all so beautiful and so good because, even so early on, I feel like I could very well fall in love with this girl. For agreeing that sex was nothing to write home about, we sure were enjoying a lot of it right out of the gates. I wasn't complaining by any means, because - once again - we seemed to be on the same page. Albeit a new page, now.

She always takes the initiative for sex. Always. It's a personal thing I'm not comfortable with; a huge fear of mine is making "a move" and getting shot down like some kind of horny goon. I'm also pretty shy by nature, so it's just not something I press for aggressively. I'd be massaging her back, and she'd take my hand and guide it, one thing would lead to another, and before I knew it there was quality sex. I would definitely "prime" the scenarios to my best extent (like opting to sleep in just boxer briefs if I was staying the night, or volunteering to rub her back once she got into bed) but I would never outright ask for sex or make a physical advancement. I left all that to her, and she seemed to have zero problem with making the first move.

The first few times we had sex, she was brought to tears afterwards. This was initially alarming, but she reassured me that they were a good thing. She claims that I'm the only guy she's slept with who's been able to get her to climax, and that the sex is just good. Too good. That's a mutual feeling so I'm very happy and excited to hear it.

She starts taking birth control to be on the safe side. The sex is very regular for about 2 months, at which point it starts to become less frequent. I was no longer getting her off in my car 15 minutes before work, nor were we having sex multiple times in 48 hours. When she'd visit me at work and tease me with "a home cooked meal, a bit of Jenga, and then some really good sex" after I clocked out, I'd show up at her place for dinner and Jenga, and then she'd be tired. Okay, no problem - I'm not going to get physical when my girlfriend is half asleep and just wants to rest. She apologizes, and while we're curling up to fall asleep, she assures me that the morning sex will be even better. We end up sleeping in, and she's out of bed and starting her day without so much as a glance under the sheets.

This continues to go on for a while. Her stomach aches after certain dinners. Her back hurts. She has work early the next day. We don't have enough time before she has to fall asleep. I start to feel as though she's dodging sex a bit, whereas she was jumping my bones all too frequently just a couple of weeks prior. But I'm not going to pressure her or speak up about it. We respect one another very much, and I'd never called her out or snap at her, despite leaving her place or falling asleep sexually frustrated, more than a few times. She keeps making plans to have sex, but they continually fall through until one of them finally sticks. ("It's been, what, a week or two since we got some? We need to fix that, because I could definitely go for it. How about next Friday afternoon at my place?) Next Friday at her place rolls around, and we have (great) sex that she's extremely pleased with. She makes it a point to voice that to me.

And... that was over a month ago.

Since then, I've really wrestled with the lack of sex. The fact that it was so good and so frequent in the first 2 months and then practically nonexistent in the last month - that is, the last third of our relationship - makes me feel like I physically failed her. Or that she's just lost interest. Or she doesn't find me attractive. Or that I'm doing something wrong in bed. The list goes on and on, and I've done quite a bit of damage to my self-esteem in trying to explore all the possible ways I've screwed things up.

Communication has always been one of our strong points, so I finally muster up the courage to sit her down and talk about it. Much to my surprise, she "reminds" me that she's asexual. (And that we "covered this" with our first Starbucks date, when she said she could probably go without ever having sex again. You know, just a couple of weeks before sleeping with me more frequently than any girl ever has.)

This threw me for a loop. We talked in great detail about it. Basically, she insists that it has nothing at all to do with me. I'm allegedly the best sex she's ever had, she really enjoys it when it occurs, and she is still wildly attracted to me; her own words. This relationship is, according to her, the best thing that's ever happened to her. And sex with me is the first time she's ever not felt completely disgusted with herself afterwards. What's more is that I'm the first guy she hasn't felt obligated to sleep with, to keep the relationship going. She has (had?) sex with me because she enjoys it -- not to amuse me, specifically. And we both agreed that I'd never want sympathy sex, or anything she would have to endure just to please me. That wouldn't be fair to either of us.

All of this conversation went down a few days ago, and my head has been spinning ever since. She insists that her asexuality isn't black and white, but that it's a very fluid gray. "I don't know where it may go in the future. I may want sex tomorrow. Or next week. Or in a few months. Or never again. Your guess is as good as mine." This doesn't sound like the asexuality that I've been researching. I am by no means calling her out on her orientation, but she's essentially telling me that her asexuality (and attraction to me) is all over the map -- present one day and absent the next. Is that really asexuality? She goes on to say;

"I didn't mean to imply that I won't ever be in the mood. It's very possible that I'll want sex again. Hell, I'd say that it's even probable. But there may come a time when I just don't want it. And if we keep this up, down the road, and we've put five years into this relationship, and we're living together, and I decide I won't need sex ever again... what happens then? That could be a huge problem."

And... well. She's not wrong.

I love this girl. In the ~6 months 'Ive known her (and the 3 months we've been dating), I can't say I've had any complaints whatsoever. Despite the age gap, we have all too many common interests. Our sense of humor is greatly compatible. We adore spending any time together, regardless of the activity. We have no shortage of things to talk about at any given point. She balances me out and brightens my mood instantaneously. And I wake up on a daily basis feeling immensely lucky that she's happy with me, of all people. On one hand I feel like it would be extremely shallow and shitty of me to break things off with her just because I wasn't getting enough sex. Like, that isn't even an option that crosses my mind. But on the other hand, physical affection is one of the love languages that I resonate the strongest with. And it's tough knowing how phenomenal the sex already is, you know? It's so much more than "getting off" with her. The sensations, and the eye contact everything is on a whole different level than any sex I've had in the past. I feel incredibly connected to her. Like I get to experience a part of her that no one else gets to, and in exchange I get to give her a part of myself that no one else has. It's liberating and I feel so much closer to her when we get to share that. Now that it's out of my life, I feel sick to my stomach when I reflect back on the sex we had, or have to hear about someone mentioning their "healthy sex life" all while knowing that it may not ever happen again, in theory. I feel like the relationship and potential enjoyment has been clipped.

The girlfriend claims that the 2 months where she was super sexual with me -- those were an exception to the norm. For a while there, she thought that I had unlocked her sexuality. (Which could explain the powerful emotions and tears during the first couple of times, maybe?) She described it as me "kickstarting" her sexuality, but for whatever reason I guess it wasnt enough, and that really does hang a black cloud over my head and confidence. (Regardless of how many times she assures me that I did nothing wrong.) Before we were officially dating, she was wrapping up a relationship where she was treated poorly, and allowed some time for things to simmer, to avoid making me feel like a rebound. She admitted that she slept with that prior boyfriend a few times, too, despite being very unhappy and unsure about the relationship. It seems odd to me that someone who is asexual would sleep with someone they weren't even attracted to, on more than one occasion. This isn't me pointing fingers. It's an observation and nothing more.

I really don't know what to think about all this, and her stance on asexuality. It's been a bit more than a month since I've been physical with her. Two weeks ago, on a drive out of town, she was in my passenger seat and said something along the lines of;

"Hey, I'm really sorry about this recent funk. You've probably noticed it. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm sure it's been frustrating for you. I feel like I'm coming out of that, now. I don't know why, but I've been super frisky lately."

That caught me off guard. Then and there at 8:00 PM, on a drive to San Francisco. (Nothing came from that exchange outside of a brief discussion, though.) And then even more recently, not even a week ago, we had a very nice dinner to celebrate our 3 months together. Everything was going swimmingly, and there was a pleasant vibe in the air for the whole evening. As we were wrapping up dinner, she apologized that I wouldn't be able to stay the night due to our morning schedules conflicting. But the night after, I was invited over for a "special surprise" that I would "definitely enjoy". The tone in her voice, and the twinkle of her eye... it all absolutely implied sex. This was last Saturday. And as you can guess, nothing happened. All of this was just a handful of days before our long talk about her asexuality, earlier this week. Why would she mention being frisky and "coming out of her funk" - and also pitch the idea of sex - all within one week of telling me that she's "asexual" and doesn't need sex? I feel like there's a bit of contradiction there. Am I imagining that?

I'm just a little stumped. Is it normal for that sexual attraction to come and go in waves? I love her, and I'm not interested in settling for a lesser match who may put out more frequently. I can see myself being very happy with this girl for a considerably long time, but this sex snag has consumed a lot more of my thoughts and negative emotions than I predicted it would. She's got a week left of being 19, and the fact that she's so wishy-washy with her sexuality makes me think that she could be going through some emotions or confusion as far as her orientation is concerned. People tend to change a lot in their early 20s. I'm not calling all of this a "phase" by any means, but I know that I undoubtedly felt out of place and confused at the end of my teens years. But I know it's not fair to make that assumption on her end. Much like it's not fair to wait around in hopes that she'd "figure it out" or "fix her problem", because it's not a "problem", and she's not broken in the least. Her sexuality is who she is, and I love her for the human being that she is. It would be nice to partake in sex more frequently with her, but not if it made her miserable or bogged down her morale.

I guess I'm not 100% sure what to do, but I know that I dont want to leave her. It's a very confusing scenario to approach. There is obviously a lot more to relationships than sex. I know that; And if it weren't for the lack of sex, you honestly wouldn't guess there's an issue -- she's incredibly loving and physically affectionate, and we exchange way more kisses, hand-holds, and couch cuddling than is probably considered healthy. She has no problem showing her affection physically - in public or otherwise - but sex itself has been off the table for a while now. And it's not the absolute component to a functioning relationship, but I do think it may be more important to me than I think it is. At random times through the day, or upon waking up in the morning, the memories of sex with her can become overwhelming, and I feel exceptionally disappointed. Like I'm capping off some of the potential that she and I could be sharing. It's like I know that we're great together, but after seeing and feeling what it's like with sex in the mix, I can't shake just much greater we could be together. I've come to the conclusion that I really do not crave the sheerly physical component, and I'm not looking for a girl for the sole sake of getting my rocks off. The fact of being physical with anyone else hasn't even crossed my mind since we've been dating. I don't crave sex. I'm just dying to share the sex with her.

Do you have any advice going forward? A few of my more "sex focused" friends are telling me that I should bail. "There are other fish in the sea", and "I dont deserve to settle or be anything less than happy". The thing is that this girl makes me incredibly happy, and I genuinely feel like I'd be a mess if we parted ways. I just know that I could be (significantly) happier if we went back to having sex.

We've talked about the future, and how neither of us are "dating just to date". We're both in this thing because we see it going places. 3 months isn't too much of an investment, but I really don't want to abort what we have going just because I'll struggle with physical affection in the future. And what if she does become more comfortable with her sexuality in a year, for example? After we've theoretically parted ways, and she's found someone else? I'd be kicking myself into oblivion. She's such a catch and I can't see myself dating anyone else... but at the same time, the lack of all the good that could be has really been tearing me apart recently. But this post isn't about me trying to find a way to cope with my side of the relationship. I'm trying to approach it as a means of finding a happy solution for the both of us, and trying to discover where exactly her orientation falls.

Any help or advice you may be willing to share would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for reading, those who made it through.

[QueenWS]

This was a very interesting read actually, at first I thought by myself "Why are you so hung up about it?" but after reading it I slowly understood you a bit more, something tearing you apart is not good. I honestly can't give you much advice because I don't know how she is feeling and what you might be actually feeling right now (I'm an asexual so I really don't feel the need of sex). But I think you should just wait for her, that's what I think. I understand the feeling of something tearing you apart and it would be hard to tell her because she might think something else... It's a though situation but the best is to wait for her, if you truly love her and you know she does as much then waiting is the best. If she's not ready for it yet then she's not... don't talk about it too much with her. It's such a complicated issue... I wish I could give you better advice really. Too bad I'm unable too but I just want to say stay strong and I hope this gets resolved and both parties will be happy.

[SithLord]

Well, to me she seems more grey-asexual than strictly ace. I don't know what it's like being grey-a but I believe grey-a is basically only sometimes feeling sexual attraction and not all the time, but not at regular intervals.

Aside from that, I don't really have much advice for you. As an ace it's harder for me to give advice since I've never had sex or wanted to. The only reason I'll have it eventually is because of my bf. So I don't know what it's like to have your very sexual relationship just dwindle away to a nonsexual but still romantic relationship.

Maybe work on a compromise about having sex whether she's into it or not? I've read a ton of advice about a sexual relationship being better if the couple has sex whether or not both partners are into it. Also sex is annoyingly brought up with relationship counselors a lot too, but I don't know what they say besides them thinking sex is important. Maybe you could also try and take a more assertive/initiating role as part of a compromise? That way she'll know when you really need sex?

[an18059]

Okay, well I've never actually been in a situation like yours (or hers) before, so I may not be as qualified as some other people to answer your questions. But I've read it and I can see that it must be a very difficult situation for both of you. It sounds like you guys are compatible and have a great relationship together, so it would be a shame to throw it away because of this problem. What you need to do is sit her down and tell her exactly how you feel about it. - otherwise she may not realise that this is an issue you really care about and want resolved. She may not want to have sex for the time being, and it's okay for her to feel that way, but it's not fair on you to be left wondering what's going on. I feel like it was a bit unfair of her to keep telling you there was going to be sex and then not follow through with that, so I think you definitely need to communicate with her about what's going on. It's clearly something that's causing you distress, so it needs to be sorted out. Sorry if that wasn't very helpful, it's all I could think to say to you :(

[Cowboy Dan]

Thank you all for the responses. (And upon reflection, I have no idea where the majority of my apostrophes went in my prior post. I can assure you that I'm not afraid of the apostrophe key.)

I know that the whole situation is pretty sexual - despite the recent decline - and I suspected that it would be a little difficult for the majority of this community to relate to, but I still felt like it was worth inquiring about. I appreciate any replies at all, even if you feel as though you don't have any concrete advice to offer. It sounds like I need to do some research on grey-a sexuality.

But you've all hit the nail on the head regarding sticking around, and being patient with her. I won't be asking for sex or suggesting it anytime soon - not that I did when it was frequent - because I really do respect her boundaries, and I value the fact she's as comfortable with me as she is. That means a whole lot to me. And I legitimately can't picture myself being with anyone else at this point; emotionally or sexually. She is a very big plus in my life, and even after 6 or so months I still find myself with fluttery stomach in her proximity. It would seem incredibly stupid to throw all of that away just because a physical connection isn't as frequent as I was hoping it would be.

I knew that this adjustment would take some time and energy, but there are parts of days where it can be overwhelming. I feel like I wouldn't be in this predicament if I didn't have a (very generous) taste of how good the sex is, and how much I value it. That's what makes it difficult. I feel like our relationship is operating on a lower level of happiness - on my end, anyway - but I'm trying to suck it up and see how it all plays out. Who knows? - maybe the infrequency of sex will make me appreciate it all the more, when it does happen. But on the other side of the coin, there's that slim possibility that I'll never sleep with her again... and that kind of freaks me out, I guess.

[Frigid Pink]

I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you really want and need in a romantic relationship with someone else. If regular sex is a part of that, then you need to figure that out now.

I disagree with the advice to wait around and be patient for someone to possibly change. I also disagree with the advice to not talk about these particular unhappy feelings with your romantic partner.

I think you need to accept the person your romantic partner is now vs. hope for them to be different later. It's only been 3 months and "dating is a discovery phase" and people "unfold" during this time vs. change. Over time with this person, you will learn more about them, and learn whether or not you're happy with them or even want a romantic relationship with them.

I also think it's important to discuss your feelings with a romantic partner, especially major ones that could affect the romantic relationship in a major way (such as whether or not it's something you want to continue or maintain).

I highly recommend this article (http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-dating-is-a-discovery-phase-to-work-out-if-you-want-a-relationship/) and I wish you the best!

[Star Bit]

I wonder if she doesn't know of Gray-Asexual/Gray-A... Odd since its one of the most common terms; if she found out about asexuality she should've heard of that too, but she definitely seems to be one. That is not normal asexual behavior. There is the term Burstsexual; as you put it, it's when sexual attraction comes in waves/"bursts". I understand your frustration though, she shouldn't be making promices she's not fully sure she can keep. You dont seem disapointed in the lack of sex but purely disapointed in frequently not getting something you were expecting.

[Cowboy Dan]

I disagree with the advice to wait around and be patient for someone to possibly change. I also disagree with the advice to not talk about these particular unhappy feelings with your romantic partner.

I think you need to accept the person your romantic partner is now vs. hope for them to be different later. It's only been 3 months and "dating is a discovery phase" and people "unfold" during this time vs. change.

I appreciate this response, but I think I disagree with the advice. We would be in a very different situation if her grey-a / asexuality was fully discussed during that first Starbucks date, and no sex followed it. At that point and from there on out, I'd be evaluating just how important sex (or the lack thereof) is to me and my relationships, you know? When I say I plan to "wait it out" or to see how things unfurl, that's not in hopes of her changing who she is. I tried to establish that I already love her for who she is in my first post. What I mean by "seeing how it goes" is in reference to her bursts of sexuality, and how I handle them. Because prior to a month ago, the lack of sex was not an issue. In other words, the majority of the relationship I've known has been sexual. Things have only changed up in the last few weeks... and I don't want to hastily jump to a conclusion if I'm unsure how things work right now. Anything could happen, you know? She may come to realize that even though I adore sex with her, it isn't the main goal when I stay the night. Or maybe her sexual bursts will be more frequent if she lets her hair down and realizes that she doesn't have to uphold a steady frequency, and that I'll love her regardless. Or maybe she just won't want to get physical for another month. Or five. It's impossible to gauge, since any outcome is feasible. But since any outcome is feasible, it doesn't make any sense for me to fold and call it quits at this point. In my prior relationships, sex has not been a constant need. I'm not lusting for it on a daily basis. The problem I'm having is just trying to be content with the possibility of it never happening again.

Furthermore, I would love to read the link you've provided, but I get an error when trying to pull the link up.

I wonder if she doesn't know of Gray-Asexual/Gray-A... Odd since its one of the most common terms; if she found out about asexuality she should've heard of that too, but she definitely seems to be one. That is not normal asexual behavior. There is the term Burstsexual; as you put it, it's when sexual attraction comes in waves/"bursts". I understand your frustration though, she shouldn't be making promices she's not fully sure she can keep. You dont seem disapointed in the lack of sex but purely disapointed in frequently not getting something you were expecting.

Bingo. That's been the hardest part for me. But she's definitely eased up on that - especially since our last lengthy talk about her orientation, and what that meant moving forward - and I'm really appreciative of that. I understand that stuff comes up and certain plans fall through for reasons out of our control, but more than once I've allowed the promise of sex to lift my spirits for the entirety of the morning / afternoon / evening, only to have them come crashing down when it didn't happen. I'd like to think sex is no longer a carrot on a string at this point, because she's been making a really solid effort to avoid bringing it up if it's not in the cards for us.

"Burstsexual" is interesting, and sounds fairly similar to what I have on my hands. I do not mean to sound condescending in the least, but at this point I'm wondering if she's mixed up on her stance of orientation. Because labeling her situation as a variation of asexuality just doesn't quite line up with everything I've gathered thus far. I'd really like to understand where she's coming from and be as accommodating as possible, but I do believe it's going to take a bit more time and open conversation.

EDIT

Wow. Aside from mysteriously disappearing apostrophes, almost all of my quotation marks and hyphens vanished from that first post as well. Some sentences were super confusing and misleading. Like my friends saying that "there are other fish in the sea" - the quotations there were used to illustrate their opinion that I totally do not agree with. I absolutely did not mean to imply those were my own thoughts. If anything didn't make sense to those of you who read my dilemma the first time around, I ask that you take a moment to re-read any part you found questionable. I went through the whole thing and found no less than a dozen things to correct, and I feel as though it's all been greatly clarified. Sorry about that.

[Tarfeather]

I think you need to accept the person your romantic partner is now vs. hope for them to be different later.

That's correct, at least with regards to the "conflict" the OP is reporting. It's not a good idea to hope for her to change; But the relationship itself probably *must* change for it to persist. So "hoping for change" to some extent, rather *requiring change* of some kind, is necessary. But I'm talking about a kind of change here that is unrelated to issues like "how often do we have sex?". Something more subtle and complex that I'm only beginning to grasp due to my own situation.

re: asexuality. It's irrelevant. You know her to be who she is, at this point labels are only going to add confusion. She's certainly not asexual in the way that e.g. my girlfriend is, but I don't think it matters.

I'll try to offer some ideas. But note that the following is my perspective. I can't give you any advice on what to do, I can only provide new viewpoints that may make it easier for you to come to peace with what is there.

All the things you're talking about, everything you're describing to be great about the sex you've had.. I don't think they're specific to sex. That is simply an interpretation that happens to be easy, but it's not accurate. Your biological needs and being, and your let's call it "spiritual" being, were synchronized there, which is very pleasant. But I think that is all that the sex really was to you: A pleasant experience. The emotional connection was coincidental, not fundamentally tied to the sex.

You're torn up because you know that. You don't get that "happiness" any more. But the emotional connection hasn't disappeared. You're talking a lot about choice, and weighing benefits, but I think you know that this stuff doesn't even apply here. You're repeating over and over that you don't consider it a problem, that you want to respect her boundaries.. And probably for the same reasons that I do it, and that's because it's a damned hard thing to actually go ahead and do. It comes down to seeing her as the person she actually is. Forget hope, forget plans. Look at her and see what you have.

You maybe won't find pleasure or great happiness there. Frankly, even romantic stuff like cuddling or kissing is something I envy you for. But over months of doubt and insecurity and pain, I've learned that all those things, sex, romance, whatever, they're just the surface. There's so much more in a loving relationship, so many things that most don't even recognize as "love". And yet, if there were a woman who could fulfil all my desires, who could make me "happy" in such ways as are denied to me. if that woman asked me to give up what I have with my girlfriend, I have no doubt what my response would be, however big a catch she might be.

I really don't wish this on anyone. I really think that if you want to be happy and have sex and those things, then you should go seek that out. But maybe you feel the same way I do, and just didn't think of it that way, what with your friends apparently confusing love with pleasure. So this is my perspective, make of it what you will.

[Tricksyhobbitiz]

So as I was reading you story my first thought was Holy shit he could be talking about me!

I totally am like your lady friend and she is younger than me, but even at that age I was aware that something was a bit off. Of course I don't know how much we are actually alike but maybe a bit of my story can help you understand or validate (I don't know if that's the right word) her feelings and actions. Or maybe it'll just confuse you further since I am rather confused at the moment.

I have had relationships with lots of wild and fun sex at the beginning. When I say relationships I mean the ones that lasted a year or more. The sex is great fun for about the first 3-4 months and then after that I suddenly don't care and am actually repulsed by the idea of sex. In the last couple of months I have come to identify as asexual but I'm not huge on terms. If someone wants to say I'm grey then so be it. I've been doing a lot of soul searching as to why the sex thing happens in my relationships and so far have only met one other person, a male friend of mine and now this story that are the same way. I haven't figured out why I feel that way but I am starting to accept it. I recently had to break up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years because he needed sex and I just couldn't do it. I will stop here to say that I love him and he is an amazing person. I was very very very happy with him but knew I was keeping him from something he needed. He was the only guy I have ever been with that could get me to orgasm on the regular too, something I was really happy about, when I had been feeling frisky.

I know this may not help or give you answers but it will at least let you know your girlfriend could very well be feeling everything she says and being honest with you. She may even feel really guilty about giving you sex and now suddenly not but not know how to handle it. I sure didn't for a long time.


I hope that wasn't too confusing and helps. PM if you have any questions.

[Cowboy Dan]

So as I was reading you story my first thought was Holy shit he could be talking about me!

I totally am like your lady friend and she is younger than me, but even at that age I was aware that something was a bit off. Of course I don't know how much we are actually alike but maybe a bit of my story can help you understand or validate (I don't know if that's the right word) her feelings and actions. Or maybe it'll just confuse you further since I am rather confused at the moment.

I have had relationships with lots of wild and fun sex at the beginning. When I say relationships I mean the ones that lasted a year or more. The sex is great fun for about the first 3-4 months and then after that I suddenly don't care and am actually repulsed by the idea of sex. In the last couple of months I have come to identify as asexual but I'm not huge on terms. If someone wants to say I'm grey then so be it. I've been doing a lot of soul searching as to why the sex thing happens in my relationships and so far have only met one other person, a male friend of mine and now this story that are the same way. I haven't figured out why I feel that way but I am starting to accept it. I recently had to break up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years because he needed sex and I just couldn't do it. I will stop here to say that I love him and he is an amazing person. I was very very very happy with him but knew I was keeping him from something he needed. He was the only guy I have ever been with that could get me to orgasm on the regular too, something I was really happy about, when I had been feeling frisky.

I know this may not help or give you answers but it will at least let you know your girlfriend could very well be feeling everything she says and being honest with you. She may even feel really guilty about giving you sex and now suddenly not but not know how to handle it. I sure didn't for a long time.

I hope that wasn't too confusing and helps. PM if you have any questions.

I don't think your experience was too confusing to read at all. Thank you for sharing. Call it a hunch, but I feel like your situation shares a lot of parallels with my girlfriend's, and I foresee myself taking you up on your offer to PM some questions. I understand that your situations may vary greatly in some aspects, but I still think it would be nice to have a more detailed frame of mind to consider, even if it doesn't completely line up with my girlfriend's.

And I'd agree that the "label" component isn't all that relevant. I'm not trying to "get to the bottom" of anything as far as her orientation Is concerned, nor am I trying to find a specific sexuality type that fits her. Because an "official" label changes nothing, obviously. It's a waste of time to get hung up on; her unique details are what matters, and nothing more. My only interest in establishing some semblance of a label - that fits closest to her - is so that I can more accurately read up on what she experiences, and how to approach that going forward.

[passionatefriend61]

Yeah, she's very much gray-asexual. The changeability and inconsistency of sexual attraction/desire is definitive of the gray area between asexuality and allosexuality. Gray-a's come in a variety of different expressions--some of them are gray in how they experience attraction, some are gray when it comes to desire for partnered sex or enjoyment of partnered sex, some of them are gray because they're sex-repulsed despite regular attraction, some never experience attraction but want/need partnered sex regularly--so there's really not any one narrative or set of guidelines for gray-asexuality.

Listen, I'm gonna be blunt with you. You seem like a nice, well-intentioned straight dude who has genuine hopes for some ultimate, long-term romantic-sexual relationship and really wants to do the right thing by your girlfriend. But the likeliest outcome of this relationship is that it goes on until one or both of you gets sick of the sexual incompatibility, the infatuation wears off, some other life event happens that provides a natural out, etc. You're 26, dude. This girl's 19. You're straight and you need sex to be happy. She's a gray-a who seems to spend more time in the asexual zone than in the sexual one. You've only known her six months, you've only been dating 3, that's nothing. Being with someone a year or whatever is not remotely the same as being with them--monogamously, happily, etc--forever. Or even half your life. Yeah, you like each other, and you're probably compatible in some ways, and when you do mutually want sex, it's good. But that doesn't mean this is the person you could or should attempt to have some long, drawn-out, serious, super committed partnership with.

Should you dump her now? No, not if you're mostly into the relationship you've got, and you aren't tearing your hair out over the sex issue. Date her as long as you're more happy than unhappy. But leave it at that. Don't even bother dwelling in those "what if?" scenarios, concerning her sexual interest, because neither one of you can predict or control it. Or the future in general, for that matter. At this point, she doesn't really know who she is, what she wants in life, where she's going, etc. She's a kid. Think about who you were at her age and then think about how it compares to who you are now. All that happened in your life during that time span. There's a big difference between 19 or 20 and 26, isn't there? And furthermore, there's bound to be a big difference between you now and you at 35. So trying to plan your life or even just this romantic relationship in terms of "forever" or even "long-term," trying to orchestrate it in a way that lends itself to years and years of whatever fantasy you got in your head of the perfect RR, is totally futile. Don't look at this relationship like, "Oh, I want this to be the one that lasts forever, so I have to figure out how to be happy in it, with her, with the sexual situation, forever." Just look at it for what it is now. Like I said, the greatest likelihood is that you aren't going to date this girl forever or marry her or whatever; she's someone you're with right now and that's fine if it pleases you. As soon as it doesn't please you, then end it. Because there are other women in the world, who are more compatible with you, and frankly, there are other people in the world who would likely be a better fit for her too, assuming her gray-asexuality remains consistent in its patterns throughout her life.

That might not be what you want to hear and maybe it's harsh. But it sounds like you're making a big deal out of this and really, it isn't a big deal. If you want to stay with her right now, then stay, and if you want sex more often, then ask. If she says no, it's up to you to decide how long you can do without sex before it agitates you to a degree that can't be ignored. But know this: people don't change into what you want them to be, just because you want them to or because you love them or because you're patient or nice or romantic; the romantic and sexual haze you're in right now is distorting your judgment and sooner or later, it's going to clear, which very well might cause you to look at this differently; liking, being attracted to, and even loving someone isn't enough to compensate for fundamental incompatibilities and if you try to force it to work with someone who is incompatible with you, all that happens is an unhappy relationship that's more effort than its worth.

Do continue to communicate with her, and do ask for sex if and when you want it. She can say no, and if she does, respect it. But at this point, if you want sex, you have to ask. She may be comfortable giving it to you, if asked, but if she doesn't need it or want it for herself, she's not going to offer. So don't wait for her to initiate.

[Cowboy Dan]

Oof. A little tough love, but a very thorough and reasonable post, crafted in such a manner that I can really get behind and take to heart. I truly thank you for that. I think the vast majority of your advice is right on the money. There is only part that seems a little sketchy to me;

You're 26, dude. This girl's 19. You're straight and you need sex to be happy.

Honestly, the age gap was something I was very apprehensive about before the possibility of dating was even presented. I brought it up to several friends and relatives to sort of feel the general reaction to potentially dating. For all intents and purposes, we're going to call her 20 because she's < 1 week from her birthday. She's still younger than my kid brother (who is not so much a kid these days), and that was a trip to consider for maybe a day at most. I didn't believe she's as young as she legitimately is, prior to seeing her driver's license. Her sense of humor, demeanor, choice of conversation, tastes - all of it is leaps and bounds beyond her age. (And she hardly looks the part, for what that's worth.) It's really unnecessary for me to sit here and "defend" why I'm dating such a young girl, and that is not at all what I'm intending to do. But let the record show that I've never dated anyone 6 years younger in the past, nor am I one to croak something like "I like 'em young" with a devlish grin, eying high school seniors from the parking lot. This whole experience has been very new and very rewarding for me, considering my "comfort zone" has been with girls of the same age or 1-2 years younger.

Regarding "need[ing] sex to be happy" - can we really say that at this point? "Need" is a powerful word. I think I did alright in life, prior to having sex at 23 or so. I'm not going to say that sex is a necessary component to my happiness, right here and right now. I will say that it contributes to my happines a huge deal, sure. But when I consider how shitty I feel at the thought of breaking things off with this girl, and compare those feelings of misery directly to the lack of sex... it feels pretty clear to me that I should opt for the lack of sex and embrace everything else. I do not feel like you were attacking me by any means, so I apologize if this paragraph has come off as overly defensive. I just don't feel, in my heart, that I'm someone who's chomping at the bit to "get laid" because it confirms my existence / masculinity / ability to love and be loved / etc. It's a damn good thing, but I don't like the idea of it filling some kind of huge void in my life that prevents me from being happy. If any of that makes sense.

I'm starting to kind of cope with the lack of sex. Reluctantly. Earlier last week, when she revealed that she may not want sex ever again... for a good 2-3 days I found myself reflecting on the sex, and wondering if it would ever happen again. It was this giant, glorious, beaming neon light in my review mirror, and I couldn't glance at it without feeling horrible and hollow. But I've chosen to keep driving. And yeah, it still sucks - really, genuinely sucks - to leave the warm glow of those lights. But as time goes on, they become less overwhelming. They shrink in the rearview mirror, and I feel like I can breathe a little. There has been a certain relief in the last few evenings. I'm able to show up to take her out for dinner, go back to her place for some couch lounging and TV, and leave later in the night without once wondering "what if it happens tonight? Will sex happen tonight? Could this be the break in the dry spell?" I'm not going to say that I prefer this scenario to what we had going 2 months ago, but it sure beats feeling antsy and considering every possible evening as the night that "it finally happens, again". And to me, that's in a whole different league than needing sex to happy.

As far as the rest of your post goes; I wholeheartedly agree that there are huge changes that occur very frequently from ages 18-23, give or take. Phyiscally, mentally, emotionally. It would be foolish to assume that I'd be dating the same girl one year from now, assuming we stuck it out that long. For all I know, she could veer away from grey-asexuality and become entirely asexual. Or her bisexuality could lead her to prefer women, and have zero attraction to men. Anything is possible, and I think we both know that. But assuming we did last a year and-or longer, I think it would be very rewarding to grow together until one of us acknowledges that it's no longer an option. (That is, I don't exactly foresee myself being able to date a lesbian, in theory. Just one example of something that simply couldn't work.)

I know 3 months is nothing. And there are people reading this thread and rolling their eyes, wondering why so much time and energy is spent in "just" a 3-month fling when there are married asexual couples with real, "grown up" physical issues. I'd like to think that the girlfriend and I have escaped the foggy haze of puppy-love where we're overly-romanticizing about the future, or enamored to the point where we aren't thinking clearly. But hey, I could be wrong. I'm no stranger to error. We've had some very lengthy talks about our dating tendencies and what we're hoping to get out of this relationship, and everyone in her life is absolutely baffled at how much time, physical attention, conversation, and general affection she gives me in ratio to her prior relationships. Three months is only three months, sure, but every tree is a seed at some point. By no means am I saying that I have found my "soul mate", or that it is imperative for us to figure out this physical roadblock because I have to marry her down the road. But we mutually agree that this has far more substance and potential than any fling, for whatever that may be worth. And even after all the weight of first dates and first impressions have subsided, I think there is a genuine connection and interest in one another that I haven't felt with anyone else in a long time. I think that's the reason I'm exploring so many avenues and writing this post at midnight. I just care at a core level.

So. In conclusion.

I don't know how comfortable I am "asking for" sex. I'm sure there's a civil way to approach that kind of request without seeming needy or rude. I may eventually talk to her about what she could be comfortable with as far as middle ground goes. Not necessarily sex, but perhaps something intimate that I would get to share and enjoy with her exclusively? I don't know, it's food for thought. And an option I'll consider discussing when and if the lack of sex becomes too unbearable to cope with. My biggest fear at this point? – becoming comfortable enough without sex for a lengthy period of time, and them completely regressing when and if sex occurred again. I feel like it would probably drive me crazy; finally having something that I was missing for so long, and not knowing if it'd be completely gone the next day. Her sexuality may be able to flip on and off on whim, but I don't think mine could keep pace. That's what I foresee being the biggest issue, right now.

But you said it best – I should continue to date her so long as it makes me happier than I'd be, otherwise. I'm still eager to see what kind of sexual patterns may present themselves, if any. And despite sounding redundant, I can't emphasize enough how badly I don't feel the need to find someone else just to have sex part of my life regularly. If we both go through some changes and find ourselves more miserable and exhausted than loved and significant, then I'm sure the relationship may be questioned. As it should be.

I guess the thread title is a little misleading in that I'm not really looking for relationship help as far as my next step is concerned. I was never conflicted on leaving the relationship or staying, and I'm sorry if it seemed like I was asking for advice on that front. Honestly, the biggest thing I was unclear on was her references to "asexuality" and what that meant. I turned here for answers, and everyone has been very helpful with their responses. I think reading up on grey-asexuality and grey-a sexuality will be a huge step in the right direction, and is the exact kind of suggestion I was hoping to gather from this thread. Having the opportunity to PM others who share similar struggles will also be highly worth my time, I do believe. I'm truthfully grateful for the options that have stemmed from this thread.

I don't mean to continually bump this thread with my 3-month relationship that pertains to lil' ol' me. We can let it sink if need be. There's enough clear-cut advice and perspectives offered in this thread that I think I've got what I need. And it honestly just felt so good to get it all out there, and read it over for myself. Theraputic in a way.

Thanks again, everyone.

[Tarfeather]

But the likeliest outcome of this relationship is that it goes on until one or both of you gets sick of the sexual incompatibility, the infatuation wears off, some other life event happens that provides a natural out, etc.

Since the OP hasn't actually confirmed or denied my wild guesses, I can not really speak for him, but let me quickly speak up here.. I've had basically that same comment thrown at me, and when that happened I felt rather annoyed. Can you really read the stuff the OP is saying and conclude "Oh he's infatuated and it will wear off eventually"? Because that's the last interpretation I would make there. What I can see there is someone who deeply cares, and particularly cares (or wants to care) more about the person than about any benefits such as sex. That's not infatuation, that's commitment. There's no reason to assume it will necessarily wear off (of course, there's no reason to assume it will never change, either).

You're 26, dude. This girl's 19. You're straight and you need sex to be happy.

I know a lot of asexuals have made this experience where the sexual partner just went and left the relationship because they couldn't cope any more, but not all of us sexuals are like this, and I'd argue the vast majority of sexuals who come here to try and find a solution are not content to give up just because they're not getting laid.

I know 3 months is nothing. And there are people reading this thread and rolling their eyes, wondering why so much time and energy is spent in "just" a 3-month fling when there are married asexual couples with real, "grown up" physical issues. I'd like to think that the girlfriend and I have escaped the foggy haze of puppy-love where we're overly-romanticizing about the future, or enamored to the point where we aren't thinking clearly. But hey, I could be wrong.

A little off topic, but here's something that really baffles me.. Are you actually having success with downplaying your own ability to reason like this? This is a honest question. I don't get out much. Maybe these days it's "cute" to pretend you're unsure about things that you are more knowledgeable about than everyone else in the room.

But let's be honest here. Three months is a long time. More than enough to figure out a person. More than enough to develop a connection that goes beyond "puppy-love" as you call it. Don't underestimate your own ability to understand a person. It's acceptance that's the hard part, and you've got a hard road there ahead of you for sure. But you're already taking the right steps and coming to the right conclusions, so there is absolutely no reason to assume that this is any less serious than a married couple or whatever.

[Sea-Breeze]

What I understood from your post is that the sex is good in a physical sense, but have you ever asked her what the sex is to her mentally, like asking for example what her thoughts were during and little after of having sex? Because she might have an internal conflict on that part. (The crying after sex got me worried about that.)

A suggestion: you could try having tantric sex. Maybe she would be more willing to try that instead of regular sex since it's not penetrative. Of course as long as you are also willing to try it.

PS. Also, as long as she identifies as asexual she IS asexual. It's just that simple.

[Sussurus]

^♫Well.

♫Goddamn!

Hello Cowboy Dan,

I feel like I'm a little late to this party. You just said you've got what you need out of this thread - good! Nevertheless, I feel like I have a few cents to contribute.

I'm also 19, and I'm also in a relationship! We've been dating for 1 month, though I've known her for over a year, and she's wonderful, we're very compatible, she makes me happy, so on and so forth. She's the only girl I've dated who I've wanted to have sex with, which raised the unexpected question "How much do I actually want sex?" The answer turned out to be "Not very much."

Sex is important for her, though as with you she cares more about me than about sex (thankfully!). We're still in the midst of working through our asynchronous libidos, but we both agree that it shouldn't be a relationship-ending factor. I think she still has questions about my theoretical asexuality/gray-asexuality (terms which I discovered just as they became counterproductive for me), and these are questions I don't have the answers to. I enjoy when we have sex, but one of my main reasons for doing it is just because she wants to. And I'm happy to be able to do with her - I can also understand that your girlfriend may want to do it for you, but cannot do it for herself. This might explain those unfulfilled promises she made you. She may have thought she wanted sex, but it turns out she didn't.

With my girlfriend, communication has been hugely important. We communicate so openly that it makes me much more comfortable, willing, and able to find a compromise about sex. You're girlfriend's in the midst of understanding her sexuality. Currently, the term "asexual" is what resonates with her most, and you're right not to second-guess her on that. I'm not saying communication will change her mind or lead her to a different label, but that it will make both of you happier and more comfortable with each other ... which is basically the same advice everyone else has given!

Best of luck!

[Star Bit]

So as I was reading you story my first thought was Holy shit he could be talking about me!

I totally am like your lady friend and she is younger than me, but even at that age I was aware that something was a bit off. Of course I don't know how much we are actually alike but maybe a bit of my story can help you understand or validate (I don't know if that's the right word) her feelings and actions. Or maybe it'll just confuse you further since I am rather confused at the moment.

I have had relationships with lots of wild and fun sex at the beginning. When I say relationships I mean the ones that lasted a year or more. The sex is great fun for about the first 3-4 months and then after that I suddenly don't care and am actually repulsed by the idea of sex. In the last couple of months I have come to identify as asexual but I'm not huge on terms. If someone wants to say I'm grey then so be it. I've been doing a lot of soul searching as to why the sex thing happens in my relationships and so far have only met one other person, a male friend of mine and now this story that are the same way. I haven't figured out why I feel that way but I am starting to accept it. I recently had to break up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years because he needed sex and I just couldn't do it. I will stop here to say that I love him and he is an amazing person. I was very very very happy with him but knew I was keeping him from something he needed. He was the only guy I have ever been with that could get me to orgasm on the regular too, something I was really happy about, when I had been feeling frisky.

I know this may not help or give you answers but it will at least let you know your girlfriend could very well be feeling everything she says and being honest with you. She may even feel really guilty about giving you sex and now suddenly not but not know how to handle it. I sure didn't for a long time.

I hope that wasn't too confusing and helps. PM if you have any questions.

Sounds Lithsexual; having sexual attraction but (immediately or over time) the reciprocation causes indifference, loss of interest or repulsion. Thats an umbrella term for the negative to neutral responces to reciprocation, so there is the more specific term Fraysexual; sexual attraction perminently fades away.

[Chikaru56]

I don't see much of what my brain is thinking, so I'm gunna give my thoughts. Strictly just mine, it's not one I'd advise to follow, because I can't actually see and bond physically with your life and relationships and problems.

To me, it just sounds like she's using the idea of sex as a power play. There's no reason to promise something and then retract it so often, unless you're either:

a) Too nervous/confused/emotional or having negative thoughts of some kind to be able to commit to promises.

b) Just 'pulling the string' because you have the power to, or seeing how far you can go with it, how far the person will commit, etc.

C) Really not bothering to consider how future events might play out, or how others (or you) might feel, or not communicating/phrasing things well enough.

Generally, in any sort of relationship, when stuff like broken promises happen it's abit of all three, though by the way some one says something or how they act can give off whether it's leaning to one or another. It has nothing to do with the sex itself (in this instance I feel), it has to do with the comfortability, communication both partners have and display, and the assertivenss and confidence one shows to another.

Sex is a huge thing in today's society. So hearing some one say they're fine without sex (paraphrasing), I'm sure it raises some warning bells in almost everyone's heads. Part of you wonders how many times the person might say that, or if they're saying it to make you feel comfortable and more willing to do stuff. Are they reaaallly fine without it? So you want to know. So you hold back.

There's also the thoughts about yourself, like how maybe, if you put out too much, you'll be seen as too easy or willing. So, you hold back to prove you aren't, you're worth the wait. Maybe you think you're too ugly, or maybe, no matter how much you try and how good the sex is, it just feels.....off. Not from the other person, but from you. You start to doubt things, what you're doing, feel guilty and wrong and repulsed by your actions and feelings. Confusion and doubt overrun. So you hold back. Which makes you feel worse, because now there's tension. Which starts the promises that break.

There are so many reasons as to why this is happening. But this isn't what you should be focusing on, which I know you're not wanting to. The question now is, what can be done to start changing this, before it becomes a vicious cycle that creates negativity, doubt, unhappiness, and ultimately, either a long term hell hole or a disastrous breakup?

Well, to do that, you need to find the root of the problem. And not YOU you, but you AND her. The work can't just be from only you. From your end, patience is probably best. Pushing for some thing that's already causing tension won't do good. However, you shouldn't just sit by and wait to be called on. You should actively take little steps out of the comfort zones, while maintaining the respect and communication. And so should she. She needs to talk about the reasons behind her actions, and if unsure, explore the options as to why. Instead of saying you guys will have sex the next day, she should just not say anything, that way there's no pressure to pleasure. Surprises are much better anyway. She should also figure out how sexual promiscuous she is, find out what makes her frisky one day then not up for it the next. She needs to figure out herself before dragging some one with her around her problems. To me, that's what it sounds like.

But say this continues for another 3-6 months. If this was me, I would have already ended the relationship, so I strongly suggest you should if it continues or worsens. This doesn't sound something like a you problem, it sounds like a her problem. And I saw some one say this, but you can't change others. You can change only you. Relationships where problems don't get resolved, where improvement and connection isn't growing in all areas, and leaves a person feeling....I'm gunna use the words 'not being heard' cuz I can't think of a better one right now, doesn't lead to any good endings. For either person.

Just my thoughts on it. One should learn to like one self and accept how they are, before trying to like and accept another. When one has a problem, they should either find a way to fix it, or bring it up to the other person and then find a way to fix it. But people don't like to be alone, so they ignore this stuff and try to be with some one. Which is the most stupid and hilarious thing to do. You're only going to come back to the question everyone loves to ask, and that's,'Why?'!

But hey, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe because of my sexuality and views on the world being so different, what I think isn't actually right or how things works.

HA!HAHAHA! Yeah, right. ^Sarcasm that was. If I had a million dollars, I would bet that all right now. I would build an organization that would help prove just how right I am. That's how strongly I think I'm right. :P

I think I'll stop now, huge friggn essay I essentially did. Hope some of it helps.

OH! ONE MORE THING! Just show her this. By this, I mean your question and the answers you got. She'll start to see how much you care then, and hopefully, how silly it is to do what she's doing. Lates!

[Ghizwiz]

I don't see much of what my brain is thinking, so I'm gunna give my thoughts. Strictly just mine, it's not one I'd advise to follow, because I can't actually see and bond physically with your life and relationships and problems.

To me, it just sounds like she's using the idea of sex as a power play. There's no reason to promise something and then retract it so often, unless you're either:

a) Too nervous/confused/emotional or having negative thoughts of some kind to be able to commit to promises.

b) Just 'pulling the string' because you have the power to, or seeing how far you can go with it, how far the person will commit, etc.

C) Really not bothering to consider how future events might play out, or how others (or you) might feel, or not communicating/phrasing things well enough.

This was kind of my thoughts as I read your OP (I did read all of that but not all posts as need to leave soon). I got the feeling she isn't being quite fair to you. And her behavior is a bit immature. Which might be expected, she is still a teen afterall. But still doesn't make it quite fair to you.

I think you are to be commended for going as far as typing all this out here in the effort to give this relationship its best chance. But in the end what we think won't fix this.

She needs to be more straight about who she is and what she wants. It's not fair to claim to be asexual at first, then act like a sex starved maniac for a few weeks solid, then suddenly warp back to no sex for weeks, all of this without any reasoning and expecting you to be okey dokey and have no questions about what is going on.

It's cool that you're willing to be flexible, but it's not cool (and not fair) that she expects you to be able & willing to turn it on and off at her slightest whim!

I think it's time for a long, caring talk about each of your hopes & expectations for the sexual side of your relationship.

Best of luck to you

[.,.]

I think the answer is apparent in her words; She would fall under graysexual, which is indeed a type of asexuality.

Basically she's sexual when she is, and she's not sexual when she isn't. Like she said; fluid gray. I think it's as simple as that definition-wise.

Expanding on that, it seems you know exactly what to do; - stick around.

[CNGB]

She said that her asexuality isn't black or white, but is instead a "very fluid gray." I'm confident that was her saying she's a gray-A.. :)

Anyway . . . I wouldn't actually call her atypical. Though it's true that the large majority of asexuals do not care for sex at all, I've heard of some that like having sex with their partners for one reason or another, and I've also often heard of relationships where one member is an amoeba starting off with frequent or at least semi-frequent sex, and then dying down. Rest assured that it has nothing to do with any type of lack of attraction to you, nor does it mean that she is losing interest. I honestly am not able to explain why this sort of thing happens and just that it does.

[Guest]

It's pretty common when a relationship is new for sex to be something frequent. With some asexuals, this can happen too. I actually don't even enjoy sex, never want it for myself and find orgasms annoying rather than pleasurable... and I did tell my partner that I had some issues with sex, the interest in it just wasn't there like normal and after 6 months or so it is an issue. But, I went with sex because it's what society has me expecting. And sometimes sex was multiple times a day, with me initiating and him doing it... I am not repulsed, I enjoyed being with him and the touching/caressing so whatever, I could deal with the sex part for that. Once the any touch brings joy limerence phase fades though, sex is just "Meh, can we watch a movie instead?"

Sounds like your partner enjoys it sometimes and desires it sometimes and may be in the grey area. So, decide if you can handle sex being something that isn't frequent, but happens when the mood strikes her (or, you two could try to work out a compromise, if she's willing). My friend IDs as heterosexual and she said she only wants it about once a month. My ex IDs as heterosexual and his frequency was around once every 2 weeks. People vary a lot in how much they want sex. Your limerence "honeymoon" phase has ended, so now you get to see how things are in reality. It may increase/decrease at different times, depending on other factors (stress, life, libido, hormones).

She did tell you sex isn't a huge deal to her right off the bat. Are these two sentences really that different?

1) "Yeah, sex is definitely overrated. I don't get it. I mean it can be good, but it's not this tremendous thing that I absolutely need. In fact, I could probably go my whole life without having sex again and I'd be okay with it." she had said

2) "Yeah, sex is definitely overrated. I don't get it. I mean it can be good, but it's not this tremendous thing that I absolutely need. In fact, I could probably go my whole life without having sex again and I'd be okay with it. i identify as grey-asexual."

A lot of people drop the confusing labels when explaining things to potential partners, because no one knows the labels anyway and the feelings about sex are the important bit. Especially grey-as and demisexuals, because when you go "I want sex sometimes, just not all the time"... people kinda get even more confused about the label. It's hard enough explaining "asexual" given all the variations (some can enjoy sex, some can't, some are repulsed, some aren't, some masturbate/have libidos, some don't, etc etc). Giving a 2 hour lecture on the definitions and variations of asexuality, grey sexuality and demisexuality can be quite frustrating when you're just trying to explain how you feel to a partner and the "asexuals as a group" keeps getting thrown in, even if YOU don't feel exactly how the person thinks you should for your orientation.

My partner has known how I ID for years now (I didn't even know asexuality existed when we got together, hence my trying to explain my interest being weird or "off" beforehand...) and he still can't understand the variances. I tend to just avoid the topic of asexuality completely because he sees something like an article on repulsed asexuals and has to ask if that is how I feel as an asexual, since those other asexuals feel that way. So, I can understand her not using the label at Starbucks. It's one major headache given how little is known about asexuality as a whole. Though, I probably would have had the label conversation earlier than 3 months in...