Is it asexualism?

[LilyJones]

I am a 19-year old female and I have always thought of myself as heterosexual.

I feel attracted to guys, in the sense that I can find a guy interesting, good-looking, "dateable". I have dated three different guys and held hands with them, cuddled, hugged them tightly and I enjoyed all of it. I have loved all of them, maybe not passion or love-to-death love, but definitely a very strong attachment and deep appreciation.

However, when it comes to kissing on the tongue or sex or petting, as long as in my head I enjoy the idea of it, when I do it I feel disgusted and physically sick and I want it to stop as soon as possible. I sometimes feel sexual urges but never directed at a particular person, if it makes sense?? I never look at a celebrity or a guy in the street and go "oh I would like to do him" in my head. I sometimes imagine myself having sex and it feels good, but in real life I hate it.

My ex left me because he was frustrated that we never do anything sexual together and told me that he did not feel I could be anything else for him than a best platonic friend. It hurt me because I loved him like a boyfriend and not like a friend, it is just that I feel disgusted doing sexual thing.

Do you think I am asexual? It sounds a bit stupid question to ask as you do not know what is Inside my head, but if you guys identify as asexual do you have the same sort of experience? Any answer is very welcome.

[Ricecream-man]

I am a 19-year old female and I have always thought of myself as heterosexual.

I feel attracted to guys, in the sense that I can find a guy interesting, good-looking, "dateable". I have dated three different guys and held hands with them, cuddled, hugged them tightly and I enjoyed all of it. I have loved all of them, maybe not passion or love-to-death love, but definitely a very strong attachment and deep appreciation.

However, when it comes to kissing on the tongue or sex or petting, as long as in my head I enjoy the idea of it, when I do it I feel disgusted and physically sick and I want it to stop as soon as possible. I sometimes feel sexual urges but never directed at a particular person, if it makes sense?? I never look at a celebrity or a guy in the street and go "oh I would like to do him" in my head. I sometimes imagine myself having sex and it feels good, but in real life I hate it.

My ex left me because he was frustrated that we never do anything sexual together and told me that he did not feel I could be anything else for him than a best platonic friend. It hurt me because I loved him like a boyfriend and not like a friend, it is just that I feel disgusted doing sexual thing.

Do you think I am asexual? It sounds a bit stupid question to ask as you do not know what is Inside my head, but if you guys identify as asexual do you have the same sort of experience? Any answer is very welcome.

That sounds pretty spot on with asexuality to me.

[Sundance_]

Well you sound a lot like me, and I identify as asexual. Of course, it's up to you whether the label feels helpful.

For me, I was definitely always different from the other girls I knew. In middle school and high school, while everyone else was falling all over each other, I was just not that interested. Dating always seemed like more trouble than it's worth. I could easily tell which people were attractive and sometimes even thought they were attractive, but I wasn't interested in anything sexual at all.

By the end of high school, my girlfriends certainly thought I was strange. They were having sex and making marriage plans, and I had yet to kiss a boy. Or even want to, really. I did have a few crushes but I'm fairly certain they were mostly aesthetic attraction (there was this one boy who looked like a model, he was beautiful). I never acted on anything because I didn't want to. Just wanted to look.

In college I began to date a little because it was expected of my religion. I held hands and cuddled and liked that. I always avoided attempts at kissing. I broke it off with boys after 3 weeks. I really didn't feel like I could give them what they needed, and it was giving me a lot of anxiety.

So I took a while off of dating to figure things out. Eventually I found asexuality and here I am.

[LilyJones]

Do you also feel sexual urges in your head but just feel disgusted when you actually do it?

Or is asexuality when you do not even feel any urge?

[Ricecream-man]

Do you also feel sexual urges in your head but just feel disgusted when you actually do it?

Or is asexuality when you do not even feel any urge?

It's could be any mixture of the two.

To feel disgusted by it is more of a measure of sexual repulsion than just asexuality.

To feel urges in your head has a lot more to do with your environment and your upbringing than people admit. It's just like beauty. You have a certain concept of beauty because that's what you're used to as being beautiful. You have this idea that sexual activity should be nice and fun because that's what you're used to seeing and being told, but that doesn't mean you're not asexual.

I'm sure plenty of children have had dreams of eating candy all day every day. Will they still feel sick afterwards? Yes. Or more commonly for older people, I know plenty of people who might have some temporary dark fantasies of hurting people who have caused them pain or boys who think joining the military is like playing a video game. For most people these things only remain fantasies. If they were put in a position of hurting those people or those boys were given guns and told to take out terrorists, they wouldn't and couldn't be able to do it.

[SithLord]

Well you sound a lot like me, and I identify as asexual.

I have this idealized version of me that I picture doing everything I want to do, except she's not me. She is sexually promiscuous, bisexual, witty, sassy, brilliant, aggressive, violent, etc. While I'm shy, passive, asexual and overall pretty not her.

In my head I picture myself as her a lot and I convinced myself I was hetero- or bi- based on that. But with my first boyfriend I hated kissing him and only wanted to hold hands with him. Everything else I imagined was just for her or for others, but certainly not for me.

I would, however, like to point out that only you can label yourself. We can yell at you that you are asexual or that you aren't, and your decision is the one that matters. (I've gotten into arguments like this and I'm clarifying now, sorry if this seems off.)

[LilyJones]

Wow. That makes a lot of sense actually. Thnaks!

[Star Bit]

Well, it would be a specific type of sex-repulsed becausee that typically means repulsion to it in general. Some ppl dont like extencive kissing or certain censual things, thats fine. Lithsexual comes to mind because of your irl only sex-repulsion, but I'm not sure it fits... Is your partner sexually arousing for you and do you desire sex with them but the irl reciprocation ends in repulsion? You said undirected sexual urges, do you mean masturbation?

[Yona]

This is a bit the situation I am dealing with. In high school it seemed that everyone was obsessed with dating, and I just never understood it. I had crushes on guys, but I fell moreso for personality, and never thought anything beyond "oooh I wonder if he'd hold my hand!" I didn't even know until late in college (when a friend told me) that lots of my highschool classmates had been having sex, because it didn't even register for me that people thought about that at that age.

In my head I like the idea of kissing, sex, etc, but it's never directed at any one person. I feel like I force myself to think about specific people, but then I get distracted with other things. Other girls fawn over celebrities and go on about how hot they are, but I only think "oh, that's a very beautiful person." I can recognize their aesthetic attractiveness but don't feel much else.

I got so much crap from people for being in my 20s and still single, that I decided I'd date the next guy that asked me. I liked him too, so it wasn't one-sided. But I started getting anxiety attacks from the thought of having ANY kind of physical intimacy. Even holding hands with him freaked me out. It felt like I had a leash on, and it didn't make me feel closer to him at all. Cuddling felt empty too, just really unnecessary and uncomfortable. I just wished he'd stay in his bubble, and I'd stay in mine. Kissing was the absolute worst. It was invasive, uncomfortable, disgusting, and boring.

I didn't do any of those things because I wanted to, but because I knew he wanted to, and he could get rather pushy about it. I'm afraid of being judged by others (totally different story), so I never told him "no".

We hadn't known each other long, so I wonder if having establish a deeper emotional connection first would have made it more enjoyable?

In any case, the anxiety got so bad, that I broke up with him.

I've told people things like "I would be happy if we didn't hold hands for months and didn't even kiss for a year" or "I don't like kissing" and they've responded with, "you're a bitch for not giving him more", "you're crazy if you don't like kissing", "did you even like him?", and "there's something wrong with you if you expect a relationship without physical intimacy". And the worst one, "every relationship gets physical very, very quickly, and you're going to have to get used to it", and "if you do it more, you'll learn to like it".

But I feel like I can feel very strongly about people without any of that. To me, emotional intimacy is far more meaningful.

This all left me feeling like there was something horribly wrong with me, so this website is a huge relief.

I held hands and cuddled and liked that. I always avoided attempts at kissing. I broke it off with boys after 3 weeks. I really didn't feel like I could give them what they needed, and it was giving me a lot of anxiety.

Sundance, could you tell me more about how the anxiety felt, if you're comfortable with it? When I tell people these interactions gave me severe anxiety, they tell me "you just worry too much" and it hurts to hear. :(

[LilyJones]

Wow sithgirlix that is exactly me!

Do you think you are happy as an asexual or do you sometimes wish you were sexual? Have you managed to silence this other girl in your head a bit? If it is not to personal ^^

[Sundance_]

I held hands and cuddled and liked that. I always avoided attempts at kissing. I broke it off with boys after 3 weeks. I really didn't feel like I could give them what they needed, and it was giving me a lot of anxiety.

Sundance, could you tell me more about how the anxiety felt, if you're comfortable with it? When I tell people these interactions gave me severe anxiety, they tell me "you just worry too much" and it hurts to hear. :(

Oh man, it was the worst! And I am soooo not an anxious person. I'm not a huge worrier, I actually have a mood disorder than creates a general "don't give a fuck" attitude in me that people often remark upon. Like, no social anxiety whatsoever.

Literally the only things I get anxious about are relationships and sexuality.

I have had a lot of close guy friends, and occasionally I am pursued by one of them. Before I knew I was asexual, just considering dating one friend (who I liked) gave me an intense anxiety attack that lasted for like four days. I couldn't sleep, I could barely eat or drink. I think I was pacing around my apartment for most of it. I was just expecting to have to go into a relationship and do physical things and it was making me crazy and I had no idea why. This wasn't the only instance of such a reaction. I freaked out the first guy I dated so much that he just stopped asking me out, because of how anxious I was.

I think a large part of the anxiety is fully understanding the expectations of a relationship and then having your entire being reject it--and then not understanding why that is. Like, I should want to kiss a guy I like, right? Surely it couldn't be so bad! But I really, really, really, didn't want to. And knowing that my not being into it would be hurtful to them. And then being scared that I'll never have a fulfilling relationship because I'll never find one that's safe for me.

This continues to be really difficult for me because I get really close to my friends really fast, and it's not uncommon for a bit of a romantic relationship to develop. Even now with better informed romantic interests, I have a hard time letting go of the anxiety. I can really enjoy cuddling and such, but if I get a hint of anything more, I fall apart.

So yeah. No romance for me for a while. Need to get my head in order.

[Yona]

Sundance,

Oh my goodness, that's very similar to what I recently experienced. And I'm usually a very calm person. Thank you for sharing, I really appreciate it.

As soon as I knew he was going to ask me out, I started getting anxiety attacks and feeling anxious 24/7 (from insomnia to racing thoughts). Everyone kept telling me that it's ok to be nervous, to just keep giving things a try... but the more I tried, the more I wanted to run away. Nothing physically intimate came naturally at all, and just made me super uncomfortable. And I felt like a horrible person for not being able to give him what he wanted. I was scared of not being able to have a fullfilling relationship or having him think that I didn't actually like him.

People told me that it was ok to have a relationship that wasn't too physically intimate, that it was ok to take it slow. But in my mind that translated to, "if not now, then later... later it's going to happen". And the thought of doing any of that was very offputting.

I have a history of men objectifying me (including being stalked more than once), so I'm at the point where I have to wonder... does this anxiety stem from being asexual, or am I just afraid of being hurt by men? Or maybe I'm afraid of how I'm perceived (stemming from social anxiety)?

I'm leaning towards asexual, because never in this relationship or with any crushes have I ever wanted or even thought about initiating sexual behavior with the other person. My mind just doesn't go there. If this was a fear of getting hurt... I would still have those desires but feel conflicted about them...

I just don't know.

Now I'm just thinking out loud.

Thank you for sharing, really. <3

I'm so sorry if I hijacked the thread. :(

[Sundance_]

Yona,

That's pretty helpful for me to hear, too. So thanks for asking and responding.

I have this idealized version of me that I picture doing everything I want to do, except she's not me. She is sexually promiscuous, bisexual, witty, sassy, brilliant, aggressive, violent, etc. While I'm shy, passive, asexual and overall pretty not her.

I relate a lot to this situation as well. I was honestly planning on being a bit promiscuous and sexually forward, once I like, "came into my sexuality" or whatever. I feel like I'm mentally living in a pretend version of myself with totally different desires than the ones I actually experience. It's really hard to accept myself as asexual with this going on.

To feel urges in your head has a lot more to do with your environment and your upbringing than people admit. It's just like beauty. You have a certain concept of beauty because that's what you're used to as being beautiful. You have this idea that sexual activity should be nice and fun because that's what you're used to seeing and being told, but that doesn't mean you're not asexual.

That seems like a really good way to think about this, Ricecream . . . I think it's really hard to let go of the expectations we've picked up and just learn to be happy as we are.

[Star Bit]

The title Asensual may help; no sensual attraction or desire. (can obviously be romantic or platonic)

Maybe your panic attacks come from expectations; of satisfying the partner, of it being a reocurring thing, of possible sex, etc.

[Yona]

The title Asensual may help; no sensual attraction or desire. (can obviously be romantic or platonic)

Maybe your panic attacks come from expectations; of satisfying the partner, of it being a reocurring thing, of possible sex, etc.

Had to look this up.

Sensual attraction: Desire to have physical non-sexual contact with someone else, like affectionate touching.

So asensual would mean you just don't like physical contact with other people? Specifically non-sexual contact. Anything from hugs to cuddling? (I'd label kissing under sexual).

This would make sense for me. I don't even like kissing my parents on the cheek (and won't dare to try on any other human). I'll only hug friends I am very close to, and not *every* time I greet them, because that would feel like too much contact. I find hugs with people I don't know as well extremely awkward. My friends and family have picked up on this and make a point not to touch me. (or they slap my butt on purpose to piss me off)

Every time this guy I dated would try to hug me from behind, cuddle, basically touch me in any sensual way, my mind would go blank--"What about this moment makes you want to engage in this behavior? No, really, I don't get it. Can't I still 'like' you and not want to do that?" ._.

But if you're "asensual", wouldn't you be "asexual" by extension? Sexual touch is just like sensual touch but like 10x more invasive. At least.

[Star Bit]

Kissing is not sexual. Kissing may cause sexual arousal and lead to sex but sex is the only thing that is sexual.

Personally i feel no sensual attraction platonically or romantically but i am indifferent of receiving it from friends and crushes and it can feel nice but i do not feel the urge to do so. (Asensual is not listed in the side bar because im also reciprocation indifferent; a type of Lithromantic, which combines into the term apathromantic; apathetic of romance) Actually the only time I've felt sensual attraction is platonically for my pets but i have never felt it for ppl. Just like Asexuals, some Asensuals can be indifferent of it, repulsed, or find it tolerable, etc.

No, Asensual does not include asexual because the asexual community separates sexual from romantic and also separates sex from other sensual things. By definition of sensual, yes, it would include sex, but the phrase sensual attraction we use does not include it so Asensual would not. This term is most useful romantically because platonically it would only be needed if they were touch averse but then they'd just say that so its platonically unneeded.

[Malony]

Asexuals don't feel sexual attraction. You may have fantasies, find others attractive, whatever. But if you don't experience sexual attraction, you're asexual

Just as an off-topic side note: I find this simplification really unhelpful myself. How can you know how something feels, if you've never felt it or if you've replaced it with for example aesthetic attraction, but don't even know it?

. ...Kissing was the absolute worst. It was invasive, uncomfortable, disgusting, and boring.

....

I've told people things like "I would be happy if we didn't hold hands for months and didn't even kiss for a year" or "I don't like kissing" and they've responded with, "you're a bitch for not giving him more", "you're crazy if you don't like kissing", "did you even like him?", and "there's something wrong with you if you expect a relationship without physical intimacy". And the worst one, "every relationship gets physical very, very quickly, and you're going to have to get used to it", and "if you do it more, you'll learn to like it".

Your description how kissing feels like is about the best summary of what I feel when I have to kiss someone, that I've seen so far.

Regarding how people react, when you tell them how you feel: who the hell are those small-minded, ignorants? I really hope they are not you're closest family and you best friends. I would cross them of my list of people I'd want to associate with .

[Star Bit]

Sexual attraction is alot easier to define because its physical, while platonic and romantic attraction are emotional. You'd be both turned on by someone and desire to do sexual things to them. No prior experience needed to know what that is.

[Yona]

Kissing is not sexual. Kissing may cause sexual arousal and lead to sex but sex is the only thing that is sexual.

Personally i feel no sensual attraction platonically or romantically but i am indifferent of receiving it from friends and crushes and it can feel nice but i do not feel the urge to do so. (Asensual is not listed in the side bar because im also reciprocation indifferent; a type of Lithromantic, which combines into the term apathromantic; apathetic of romance) Actually the only time I've felt sensual attraction is platonically for my pets but i have never felt it for ppl. Just like Asexuals, some Asensuals can be indifferent of it, repulsed, or find it tolerable, etc.

No, Asensual does not include asexual because the asexual community separates sexual from romantic and also separates sex from other sensual things. By definition of sensual, yes, it would include sex, but the phrase sensual attraction we use does not include it so Asensual would not. This term is most useful romantically because platonically it would only be needed if they were touch averse but then they'd just say that so its platonically unneeded.

Ah, I guess by definition kissing wouldn't be sexual. It'd just be more emotionally intense compared to say, hugging. I feel like I still need more clarification on the meaning of sensual/asensual (I only just learned the terms when you mentioned them!) :3

Asexuals don't feel sexual attraction. You may have fantasies, find others attractive, whatever. But if you don't experience sexual attraction, you're asexual

Just as an off-topic side note: I find this simplification really unhelpful myself. How can you know how something feels, if you've never felt it or if you've replaced it with for example aesthetic attraction, but don't even know it?

. ...Kissing was the absolute worst. It was invasive, uncomfortable, disgusting, and boring.

....

I've told people things like "I would be happy if we didn't hold hands for months and didn't even kiss for a year" or "I don't like kissing" and they've responded with, "you're a bitch for not giving him more", "you're crazy if you don't like kissing", "did you even like him?", and "there's something wrong with you if you expect a relationship without physical intimacy". And the worst one, "every relationship gets physical very, very quickly, and you're going to have to get used to it", and "if you do it more, you'll learn to like it".

Your description how kissing feels like is about the best summary of what I feel when I have to kiss someone, that I've seen so far.

Regarding how people react, when you tell them how you feel: who the hell are those small-minded, ignorants? I really hope they are not you're closest family and you best friends. I would cross them of my list of people I'd want to associate with .

I don't ever bring up the topic of sex with people, it's always someone else that does it. So I really don't know much about how sexual attraction feels, from others' accounts. I'm not sure what it is that I'm not feeling or experiencing? I just know I see things differently. Somehow.

Regarding all those little aggressive comments, they didn't come from any one person or from a single conversation. They're very quick, often offhanded comments that people have made to me when the topic of sex and relationships has come up and when I have shared views that don't line up with what you'd expect the typical "sexual" person to say. Recently I've been reflecting on a lot of those conversations and just realized that wow, I get these comments pretty darn often, and I've been internalizing them.

I don't think they're bad friends. I just think that, like me, asexuality isn't something they really know anything about. So they say things without thinking.