Amy Ghost Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I'm in a relationship with a sexual, which I think I have mentioned here a couple time, but nevertheless I say it again. But the thing is I don't know how do I feel about sex. I think I don't want to be ever touched in such a way, but the other way round? I don't know. I'm not sure how I'm to know. I tired to think of it, but I don't know, it doesn¨t say me anything. I just don¨t know and it's frustrating. What I'm really afraid of is losing her. And something new came up. Some time back she offered she'd send me nude pics of herself. I refused, and got upset. But today it came back, and it's not the first time, and I don't really understand why. I don't know, and I also don't know how I feel about it. Yes, no? I just so don't know. It'd be a great help if someone shared some insight. Link to post Share on other sites
Frigid Pink Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I've been in romantic relationships with sexual people before where I really didn't want to try or explore certain sexual activities. I'm in a romantic relationship with a sexual person now and there are certain sexual activities that are on my "won't" list. Basically, my previous romantic relationships didn't work out and, while all except one didn't work out because of sexuality differences, that's okay because those weren't the "right" or best people for me because of that. I've learned a lot from those experiences. I've learned not to worry so much about "losing" another person because of something that I can't control, like my (a)sexuality, because I want the person I'm romantically involved with to accept and be okay with my (a)sexuality (it's a dealbreaker for me if they don't or aren't). If I "lose" someone over that (my (a)sexuality), then they're not someone I want to be with romantically, anyway. I've also learned that I need to discuss my sexual preferences upfront with a sexual person before getting romantically involved with them because I want to know we're compatible in that arena before getting emotionally invested in them. It certainly doesn't feel good to develop romantic feelings for someone, get emotionally close to them, and then have that connection end because of sexual incompatibility and, therefore, I try to avoid that as much as possible by being as open and honest as possible about what is and isn't on the table sexually. Sex and sexual activity is important to my current romantic partner, although it isn't the most important thing to them. It doesn't matter to them what types of sexual activity we share as long as we share sexual activity together. I'm absolutely okay with that and I knew all of this (and that we were sexually compatible) before getting romantically involved with them. Likewise for my romantic partner, and they fully accept my (a)sexuality and don't expect me to change or be any different than I am right now. I guess my main advice is self acceptance. I'd accept myself as I am right now with whatever sexual preferences I have and I'd choose to be with someone who also accepts me as I am right now and who is truly okay and happy with me. I wish you the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Amy Ghost Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 I get it, but the truth is I don't really know what my preferences are, except that I myself wouldn't want tobe touched in that way. And the thing is I fell for her before I knew I was an ace, well, fully at least. And she accepts who I am. But this one thing seems important to her, and I don¨t know how I feel about it. And she's my very first, and so I fer losing her a lot Link to post Share on other sites
Perseus Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I believe knowledge about different terminology and a self evaluation of ones feeling can clear up confusion. I think these links can help you out. http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Primary_vs._secondary_sexual_attraction_model http://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/67669933207/words-and-concepts-used-in-asexual-communities Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kam97 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I codn't possibly date a sexual person, knowing they would never understand my position. Link to post Share on other sites
Amy Ghost Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 I had a look at the two websites, but I'm not sure I looked in the right places. Didn't really find anything that would help me :( Link to post Share on other sites
Amy Ghost Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 Anyone else? Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 if you feel like you want to not try, then isn't that your feelings about sex? if there is something that prevents you from trying a thing, then that is how you feel about it... even if it's a feeling you don't understand, it's clear you don't want to do the thing for whichever reason. but if there is nothing that blocks you from trying... I don't really wanna be encouraging someone to have a sexual encounter xD but if there is no sense you have that tells you to stop.. it might be worth trying i guess :/ for me when I had encounters, there were definitely lots of signals for me to stop.. and I ignored them, because I had convinced myself it was something I needed to experience and it was starting to feel like it was something I needed to experience sooner rather than later. basically, I had gotten the mindset that a relationship needed to have a healthy (active) sexual relationship to be a healthy relationship as a whole... but the "healthy sexual relationship" that's needed is still valid if what is healthy is a lack of sex, which I didn't understand before. What I experienced.. well I'm not unhappy I had done it but it woulda been nice if I had understood sooner that asexuality was a thing and sex wasn't necessary for a relationship. If I still did go through understanding that, I would have known to set up safer and more accepting experiences for me. so I'd recomend, if you feel like it's important to try an encounter with your partner, make sure to listen to your more subtle feelings and stop if it feels like it's not the thing you want to do. and make sure she understands to stop if you want to stop. but if you don't feel like it's "you" to even get involved at all in such an encounter, then you know before you even think about trying that it's just not for you. and I think, that if you feel it isn't "you" to be involved in a sexual experience, even if it's a undefinable feeling it's still a valid feeling. But the thing is I don't know how do I feel about sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Amy Ghost Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 if you feel like you want to not try, then isn't that your feelings about sex? if there is something that prevents you from trying a thing, then that is how you feel about it... even if it's a feeling you don't understand, it's clear you don't want to do the thing for whichever reason. but if there is nothing that blocks you from trying... I don't really wanna be encouraging someone to have a sexual encounter xD but if there is no sense you have that tells you to stop.. it might be worth trying i guess :/ for me when I had encounters, there were definitely lots of signals for me to stop.. and I ignored them, because I had convinced myself it was something I needed to experience and it was starting to feel like it was something I needed to experience sooner rather than later. basically, I had gotten the mindset that a relationship needed to have a healthy (active) sexual relationship to be a healthy relationship as a whole... but the "healthy sexual relationship" that's needed is still valid if what is healthy is a lack of sex, which I didn't understand before. What I experienced.. well I'm not unhappy I had done it but it woulda been nice if I had understood sooner that asexuality was a thing and sex wasn't necessary for a relationship. If I still did go through understanding that, I would have known to set up safer and more accepting experiences for me. so I'd recomend, if you feel like it's important to try an encounter with your partner, make sure to listen to your more subtle feelings and stop if it feels like it's not the thing you want to do. and make sure she understands to stop if you want to stop. but if you don't feel like it's "you" to even get involved at all in such an encounter, then you know before you even think about trying that it's just not for you. and I think, that if you feel it isn't "you" to be involved in a sexual experience, even if it's a undefinable feeling it's still a valid feeling. But the thing is I don't know how do I feel about sex. Yes, in the way that I myself would not want to be touched in such a way. But what about the other way round, like to just pleasure her? I don't know. And no, I don't have any drive to try that stuff, I never did, it does not interest me. I don't feel urges at all. But isn't that true for many people and they still can? I mean, do you need an urge to do that? Just to pleasure someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 well, to comply and perform, a drive to have the experience is not needed.... Link to post Share on other sites
Amy Ghost Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 Anyone else anything to say? I ean, how do I know I can actually just comply and do? Also what do you guys think what does it mean with the photos? I kinda wanted them and the same time felt bad Link to post Share on other sites
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