Asexuals that want sex(cupiosexuals?)?

[Hooded_Crow]

Okay, this is gonna be rather personal. Feel free to tell me to bugger off.

Doesn't masturbating help relieve your libido? If so, why not?

This is one thing that's always made me reassured I was ace. I could never understand why sexual people complained about not having had sex for a month or two or six. I always figured "well just deal with it yourself!"

So I assume there's something there I don't feel. A need I don't have.

I think whatever your reply is to this, it's fair to consider yourself at least grey ace. So you're not in the wrong place.

[aforestfae]

Okay, this is gonna be rather personal. Feel free to tell me to bigger off.

Doesn't masturbating help relieve your libido? If so, why not?

This is one thing that's always made me reassured I was ace. I could never understand why sexual people complained about not having had sex for a month or two or six. I always figured "well just deal with it yourself!"

So I assume there's something there I don't feel. A need I don't have.

I think whatever your reply is to this, it's fair to consider yourself at least grey ace. So you're not in the wrong place.

Yeah it helps but part of me just wishes I had someone to be part of it, they aren't necessary but it would be nice to have someone I love to be intimate with, it's quite a frequent urge sometimes and it gets damn annoying, it feels a bit lonely and apologies for this tmi bit but it doesn't seem to get me where I want :redface: , if you get my meaning, doesn't help that I feel slightly bad/guilty about masturbation

I predominantly want love and sex would just be a pleasurable extra I suppose.

[Hooded_Crow]

Maybe you're a not very sexual sexual, he he. It's all good.

Your experience is a bit like mine. I used to feel guilty and wrong about masturbation. I got over it. But now I share non penetrative sexual touching (cyber for now) with my partner and I prefer it to masturbating on my own because there's an emotional component, cuddles, and all that sensual affection that cones with it.

I think the only difference between you and me is that I wouldn't miss it if my partner suddenly didn't want to do that anymore. I'd just go back to dealing with libido on my own and cuddle with him :)

I still call myself asexual because I don't find anyone sexy or hot, not even my partner and not even when we're being sexual together. And I don't have a desire to go looking for partnered sex. Also, I have no desire for penetrative at all.

So maybe grey a (I really think it's okay for you to use the ace label if you feel comfortable with it). Ace is an umbrella term that includes grey a. And your confusion makes it clear your are in the grey area. Otherwise you wouldn't even wonder :)

[aforestfae]

Maybe you're a not very sexual sexual, he he. It's all good.

Your experience is a bit like mine. I used to feel guilty and wrong about masturbation. I got over it. But now I share non penetrative sexual touching (cyber for now) with my partner and I prefer it to masturbating on my own because there's an emotional component, cuddles, and all that sensual affection that cones with it.

I think the only difference between you and me is that I wouldn't miss it if my partner suddenly didn't want to do that anymore. I'd just go back to dealing with libido on my own and cuddle with him :)

I still call myself asexual because I don't find anyone sexy or hot, not even my partner and not even when we're being sexual together. And I don't have a desire to go looking for partnered sex. Also, I have no desire for penetrative at all.

So maybe grey a (I really think it's okay for you to use the ace label if you feel comfortable with it). Ace is an umbrella term that includes grey a. And your confusion makes it clear your are in the grey area. Otherwise you wouldn't even wonder :)

I guess I understand more of myself a bit, I'm just finding the labels confusing, I don't need them but I kind of feel like I don't really fit anywhere without, it's a bit like a comfort blanket.

I've never had sex so I could just be romanticizing it, I'm pretty desperate for a relationship and I just see sex as part of that, a part I'm completely ok with, I don't actively want to search out a sexual partner, I just see it as when I fall in love it's going to be the natural 'next step' for me, I don't want sex before that, not interested in anything before marriage

If I didn't before I now feel confused

Also feeling rather ashamed of ever coming on this site or ever thinking I was anything other than sexual

[Chino]

I think you can still be ace even if you desire sex. I identify as gray-ace personally, mostly because i feel more comfortable leaving myself the wiggle room for feeling sexual attraction at some point in the future. i haven't, however, ever felt sexual attraction to someone so far.

I have been sexually intimate with people though (not actual sex but, you know, other sexual acts). Mostly because, for me, sex feels nice. It's like getting a really nice massage (in terms of the 'kind' of pleasure i feel. like i don't get turned on, or whatever, but it doesn't repulse me, it feels nice, i'd do it again) except a lot more intimate. this is why i think, assuming that at some point in the future i settle down with someone i love, I'd probably have sex with them fairly regularly, because even though it doesn't do anything in particular for me, i do enjoy sexual acts and i like the intimacy they can bring.
but like many people have said before me, this does probably come down to definitions. I don't wanna enter the argument, I'm way too new here to be any sort of authority, but the fact that i do enjoy being sexually intimate with someone, even if not in the same way they do, is why i personally chose to identify as gray-ace. it seemed, to me, to describe me a bit better than asexual.
(in case it helps answer your question anymore, I'll just say here that I don't have much of a libido. I'm sure I could live the rest of my life without sex and be perfectly happy about it. my 'desire' for sex (although desire seems like a strong word) comes simply from the intimacy it brings, and the fact that i don't mind the idea of having it)

[Hooded_Crow]

There's no need to feel ashamed for looking around and trying to find where you fit.

If you'd only want sex with someone you're very in love with and it would seem like a natural next step, but only if you're very close to that person and not out of attraction, rather out of love, that to me would be asexual. But for the people on here who believe attraction = wanting sex, then I guess maybe demisexual? I don't know.

I still think based on what you say that you're not a very sexual person, so I think it's fair enough to identify at least as grey ace.

Of course it's all up to you. I hope you do find someone special with whom you can build a loving relationship where sex isn't a necessity but rather a way to express love, as it seems to be what you want :) to me that's the ideal way to view sex, too. Never something that you have to do to earn love.

[aforestfae]

There's no need to feel ashamed for looking around and trying to find where you fit.

If you'd only want sex with someone you're very in love with and it would seem like a natural next step, but only if you're very close to that person and not out of attraction, rather out of love, that to me would be asexual. But for the people on here who believe attraction = wanting sex, then I guess maybe demisexual? I don't know.

I still think based on what you say that you're not a very sexual person, so I think it's fair enough to identify at least as grey ace.

Of course it's all up to you. I hope you do find someone special with whom you can build a loving relationship where sex isn't a necessity but rather a way to express love, as it seems to be what you want :) to me that's the ideal way to view sex, too. Never something that you have to do to earn love.

It's just the constant changing of labels trying to find my fit, I feel like a pain because this is like the 3rd or 4th time I've unintentionally done so, I just feel like i'm being judged or people think less of me for not knowing and not fitting any label well enough.

I don't feel quite sexual, although I think sex would be a pleasurable experience with someone I love, I've never met someone I was sexually attracted to, not even sensual attraction, I don't like talking about sex in public it makes me feel so awkward and a little bit under pressure, not that I'd ever claim I had had sex when I hadn't I just don't know where to put myself during those times. Sex in films/tv makes me feel awkward.

But I can get aroused, I seem to have a pretty high libido, it's frustrating, I want sexual contact for my own pleasure but I like the idea of it being loving more than just sex to remove the need, I don't always want someone but sometimes I just wish I was in love so I had someone to be so close to. (TMI AGAIN SORRY) I don't always enjoy having to take care of it myself, I feel guilty, it just doesn't seem to be enough but I don't know why

[Hooded_Crow]

Aaaaw, sweetie :( would you like to talk via PM? You can always contact me privately if you want to talk less publicly. I don't know if I can help any but I can listen and share my own complicated/in between sexuality too.

This whole thing of putting stuff out there for everyone to see can be confusing and scary.

Also, on a forum people don't always agree. But no one is judging you for not being sure. If they do, they're not worth your time.

Seriously, feel free to PM me anytime. I'm on your side :)

[Ricecream-man]

There's no need to feel ashamed for looking around and trying to find where you fit.

If you'd only want sex with someone you're very in love with and it would seem like a natural next step, but only if you're very close to that person and not out of attraction, rather out of love, that to me would be asexual. But for the people on here who believe attraction = wanting sex, then I guess maybe demisexual? I don't know.

I still think based on what you say that you're not a very sexual person, so I think it's fair enough to identify at least as grey ace.

Of course it's all up to you. I hope you do find someone special with whom you can build a loving relationship where sex isn't a necessity but rather a way to express love, as it seems to be what you want :) to me that's the ideal way to view sex, too. Never something that you have to do to earn love.

It's just the constant changing of labels trying to find my fit, I feel like a pain because this is like the 3rd or 4th time I've unintentionally done so, I just feel like i'm being judged or people think less of me for not knowing and not fitting any label well enough.

I don't feel quite sexual, although I think sex would be a pleasurable experience with someone I love, I've never met someone I was sexually attracted to, not even sensual attraction, I don't like talking about sex in public it makes me feel so awkward and a little bit under pressure, not that I'd ever claim I had had sex when I hadn't I just don't know where to put myself during those times. Sex in films/tv makes me feel awkward.

But I can get aroused, I seem to have a pretty high libido, it's frustrating, I want sexual contact for my own pleasure but I like the idea of it being loving more than just sex to remove the need, I don't always want someone but sometimes I just wish I was in love so I had someone to be so close to. (TMI AGAIN SORRY) I don't always enjoy having to take care of it myself, I feel guilty, it just doesn't seem to be enough but I don't know why

:(

Not TMI at all. You phrased it in a very PG way.

There is no reason to feel that you're any less of an individual for not being sure of you're sexuality. The most important thing to remember about sexuality is that it's fluid and is open to change at any time be it sudden or gradual. Go with whatever feels right. I'm sorry that you feel so guilty about satisfying your libido and I hope that guilt disappears at some point. I personally identify as gray because I know that I have experienced sexual attraction at a few very select points in life. I don't know what instigated it and I don't really look at it as something I crave later on either, but it's a good generalized label that I use since there isn't a specific one that "fits". I don't necessarily know what label fits you either. It seems like some branch of cupio inbetween asexual and sexual at the moment but I don't know.

Please don't feel like you need a specific asexual label that fits you. I know it may be hard to accept that, but know that you're always welcome here as a member of the community regardless of which label you choose to use.

[aforestfae]

:(

Not TMI at all. You phrased it in a very PG way.

There is no reason to feel that you're any less of an individual for not being sure of you're sexuality. The most important thing to remember about sexuality is that it's fluid and is open to change at any time be it sudden or gradual. Go with whatever feels right. I'm sorry that you feel so guilty about satisfying your libido and I hope that guilt disappears at some point. I personally identify as gray because I know that I have experienced sexual attraction at a few very select points in life. I don't know what instigated it and I don't really look at it as something I crave later on either, but it's a good generalized label that I use since there isn't a specific one that "fits". I don't necessarily know what label fits you either. It seems like some branch of cupio inbetween asexual and sexual at the moment but I don't know.

Please don't feel like you need a specific asexual label that fits you. I know it may be hard to accept that, but know that you're always welcome here as a member of the community regardless of which label you choose to use.

Thank you :)

It's finding a label I feel comfortable with, nothing feels quite right yet, I also seem to prefer specifics which isn't helping me any.

Aaaaw, sweetie :( would you like to talk via PM? You can always contact me privately if you want to talk less publicly. I don't know if I can help any but I can listen and share my own complicated/in between sexuality too.

This whole thing of putting stuff out there for everyone to see can be confusing and scary.

Also, on a forum people don't always agree. But no one is judging you for not being sure. If they do, they're not worth your time.

Seriously, feel free to PM me anytime. I'm on your side :)

Thank you but I wouldn't want to be a pain, I'm a bit obsessive so it will keep nagging at me and I repeat myself a lot

[Hooded_Crow]

You're not a pain :) it's normal to want an accurate manner to describe yourself. And it's quite natural to be a bit daunted by all this.

AVEN is exactly the right place to ruble on and on about your orientation ;)

[aforestfae]

I'm not really sure what to do now, I didn't really want this to become a 'what am I?' thread ​

Anyone want to share how they came to find their comfortable label?

Edit: Has anyone actually started a 'what am I?' thread and found the label they identified with that way?

[CNGB]

Despite identifying as a gray-heteromantic, it would be more accurate for me to say that I'm a fray-heteromantic, which means (and I think I've said this before) that I experience romantic attraction (usually low, but that's more of a "me" thing) when I first meet someone, but they eventually disappear. I found this term in a thread on here, by someone who said that they were sexually attracted to people, but then it always disappears. One or two commented with a link to fraysexuality.

That person never directly said that they were fraysexual, so I can't say that they found out what they were from their "What am I?" thread, but I think it would be logical to say that they later on went with that, as it describes the way their feelings towards sex had always been

Also, aforestfae, I'll message you back soon. :)

[aforestfae]

Is it acceptable to post a 'what could I be?' thread on here? I just keep questioning and want to get some kind of idea, I'm not knowledgeable on labels. But does it just get annoying having people ask? Cause you can't tell someone what they are just give them an idea and understanding

This constant questioning is irritating me, I think I have it then I'm not sure...

[FBiUkie]

Personally, as an asexual who has desire but not attraction, it feels like I desire sex with females in general. I want to be sexually attracted to females. I'm just not attracted to a specific person. It's more of an overall, "I like women, I want to have sex with them, but I am not attracted to them." The only problem with being an asexual with desire is I can't tell if I am actually asexual and experience desire or if I am an allosexual with a low libido.

[CNGB]

It is acceptable and there aren't any rules forbidding you, but I really think that you're going to get the same kind of mixed opinion as you did here. By all means, though, if you feel that it would help then try it!

[Ricecream-man]

Is it acceptable to post a 'what could I be?' thread on here? I just keep questioning and want to get some kind of idea, I'm not knowledgeable on labels. But does it just get annoying having people ask? Cause you can't tell someone what they are just give them an idea and understanding

This constant questioning is irritating me, I think I have it then I'm not sure...

That's fine and at the very least it can help you to get some markers to see what different types of "labels" that you can look into.

Two things to remember when it comes to all of this.

1. It's going to be hard for you to find a "perfect" fit for you as these definitions are still somewhat broad and people are multi-facted individuals. You might embody more than one type of label.

2. If you're going to to that kind of thing, may I ask that you provide a good amount details and that you break them up. Nothing is more painful on a forum than reading through large unbroken blocks of texts.

[aforestfae]

Well I tried but only got one reply

thank you for all the replies I got on here and the support :)

[Guest]

Just imo, I don't think someone can be asexual and cupio at the same time. The way it's written indicates the two words create an oxymoron.Whether you want to say asexuals lack sexual attraction/desire/dat magical sexual ingredient is beating the proverbial dead definition horse. However, what we can agree on is asexuals have a tendency to attach little to no value to sex - meaning that, in general, they see sex as a chore, boring and would otherwise prefer to pick their nose or simply "tune out" until it's time to cuddle.While I totally agree that asexuals can be curious and would participate in sexual activities for different reasons, I have a big problem with the language used in the definition of cupiosexual. As I understand it, the definition states, "someone who doesn't get turned on by other people but wants to have sex with other people." There's a very big difference between "being curious" and "wanting".Being curious is being open to certain possibilities, like being curious about what pho tastes like, but not losing sleep over not taking those opportunities; much more laissez-faire attitude. Wanting indicates that the thing that is desired fulfills something deeper in the person - I want to have pho. I suppose another example would be asking a really obvious heterosexual if they want to have sex with the same sex vs. if they're curious about having sex with the same sex. I think asexuals, in general, don't attach that kind of value to sexual activity. Which is why I think the cupio and asexual labels together are an oxymoron.That being said, if the OP wanted a label to state that they were interested in trying out sex aside from fulfilling some deeper, intrinsic value, then I think it would be perfectly acceptable to simply say, "I'm curious and open to having sex in the future." As is, by stating, "I want sex in the future," it definitively strikes me as an odd way to reinforce one's asexual identity.

I was reading through this thread, and I was going to say exactly this, but you got there first .. Thank you for saving me the half an hour it would have taken me to write it.

Now I can get back to watching Boardwalk Empire.

Just quickly though, OP what I'm getting from what you've been saying is that one day you want to meet someone you feel that 'spark' with, so you can share sex as a loving, intimate, and enjoyable activity with them. You don't feel that for anyone *now* and haven't yet, but one day would like to. And at the point that you start desiring sex with that person, you will be experiencing sexual attraction toward them (sexual attraction is wanting sex with someone else.. be that a romantic partner, a specific gender, whatever.. once you want sex with someone, for any reason, that's sexual attraction. You can experience sexual attraction without experiencing sensual and/or romantic and/or aesthetic attraction, which is what I actually think is happening in the cases of pretty much all the asexuals on AVEN who say they want sex with [insert gender, romantic interest, whatever here] they just don't find that person/gender/whatever 'attrative')...

You're just waiting for "the one" who you will *want* to have sex with, which for you at that time will be deeply intimate and enjoyable ... That's demisexual, from where I am standing: Asexual (no desire to actually *have* sex with a partner, though you can be interested in the concept of sex for varying reasons without actively wanting to seek it out just for the sake of having it) until a deep romantic bond has formed, at which point sexual attraction developes.

Cupiosexual is more not finding anyone 'attractive' in a way that causes you sexual arousal and/or not experiencing aesthetic attraction, but wanting partnered sex anyway for the sake of loving sex itself (not because of a romantic bond or to enhance intimacy or anything like that) .."I want to fuck just because I love fucking" = Cupiosexual pretty much. You sound a lot more like a demisexual waiting for the 'right one' than cupiosexual. Though yeah if you did want to go with Demi-Cupiosexual that's fine too.. though I imagine you will find your special someone attractive in varying ways, it won't just be about the sex.. there *will* be romantic or spiritual or some form of attraction there, judging from the way you were describing the sex you want to have.

And just to be clear, Cupiosexual, Gray-Asexual, Demisexual etc, aren't asexual. Asexual is Asexual. The other labels fall in the area between asexual (without sex) and 'sexual' (sees sex as an enjoyable and desired part of life)

[aforestfae]

I was reading through this thread, and I was going to say exactly this, but you got there first .. Thank you for saving me the half an hour it would have taken me to write it.

Now I can get back to watching Boardwalk Empire.

Just quickly though, OP what I'm getting from what you've been saying is that one day you want to meet someone you feel that 'spark' with, so you can share sex as a loving, intimate, and enjoyable activity with them. You don't feel that for anyone *now* and haven't yet, but one day would like to. And at the point that you start desiring sex with that person, you will be experiencing sexual attraction toward them.. You're just waiting for "the one" ... That's demisexual, from where I am standing. Asexual (no desire to actually *have* sex with a partner, though you can be interested in the concept of sex for varying reasons) until a deep romantic bond has formed, at which point sexual attraction developes. Cupiosexual is more not finding anyone 'attractive' in way that causes you sexual arousal and/or not experiencing aesthetic attraction, but wanting partnered sex anyway for the sake of loving sex itself (not because of a romantic bond or to enhance intimacy or anything like that) .."I want to fuck just because I love fucking" = Cupiosexual pretty much. You sound a lot more like a demisexual waiting for the 'right one'.

And just to be clear, Cupiosexual, Gray-Asexual, Demisexual etc, aren't asexual. Asexual is Asexual. The other labels fall in the area between asexual (without sex) and 'sexual'

Well demi was what I thought I was initially but that goes off future hopes and not actual experience of how I feel in those situations

[Guest]

sounds like "questioning demisexual" or "demisexual?" would be a good label (just my personal opinion) .. There is nothing wrong with not being sure until it actually happens. When it does happen (when/if you meet that person that sparks fly with) you may realize you really don't want the sex at all and only want cuddles and snuggles and kisses with your special someone.. at that point you'll realize you were ace all along. ooor you'll love the sex, find it deeply intimate and rewarding and amazing, and at that point, you'll know for a fact you're demisexual.

[aforestfae]

sounds like "questioning demisexual" or "demisexual?" would be a good label (just my personal opinion) .. There is nothing wrong with not being sure until it actually happens. When it does happen (when/if you meet that person that sparks fly with) you may realize you really don't want the sex at all and only want cuddles and snuggles and kisses with your special someone.. at that point you'll realize you were ace all along. ooor you'll love the sex, find it deeply intimate and rewarding and amazing, and at that point, you'll know for a fact you're demisexual.

maybe I was right all along then When I said demi, it felt right when I heard about it but I ended up questioning since I have no reason other than gut feeling to actually identify that way

hmm may not have needed my most recent thread after all

[Guest]

I didn't see your other thread but I'd say the same thing there. I'm seeing 'questioning demisexual' stamped all over your comments here. In your (a)sexuality profile section you could write that as: "probably demisexual" "questioning demisexual" "demisexual?" even "asexual until further notice" or something like that (showing that you don't currently want sex with anyone specific, but maybe you will want sex with someone in the future, at which point you'll know you're demisexual or maybe Gray-asexual) or even just "questioning" ..there are all sorts of ways you could write it to make it clear that you don't know from personal experience yet, but you're pretty sure that demisexuality is where you quite possibly fit.

That's just my opinion anyway. At the end of the day, you need to go with what definitely feels right for you. If you feel most comfortable saying your (a)sexuality is "dolphin" (lol) then that's what you should write/say. Other people can advise you but no one can decide for you.

[Ricecream-man]

aforestfae, may I ask if there's a reason that you want sex to be a part of your life?

So far it seems that you're a very romantic asexual (specifics unknown) and it seems that sex is a part of your concept of the perfect romance. Is there any particular reasoning as to why that is?

If I'm completely off or it's too personal you don't have to answer

[aforestfae]

aforestfae, may I ask if there's a reason that you want sex to be a part of your life?

So far it seems that you're a very romantic asexual (specifics unknown) and it seems that sex is a part of your concept of the perfect romance. Is there any particular reasoning as to why that is?

If I'm completely off or it's too personal you don't have to answer

I'm not sure, I've always just expected it, people make out that sex is so good, my body even desires to do it (when I'm aroused my body just seems to 'tell me' that actually having sex would be way better than dealing with it on my own)

I don't know if my post here

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/115080-help-im-rather-confused-sexual-and-romantic-identity/

Would make it any clearer as I did go into a bit more detail (I don't want to re-post it here as it's pretty long, but I do discuss romance and sexual desire in my post)

I honestly have no idea why I want to do it, I don't know if it's just because it's expected or just for the experience or what.

I do seem to associate sex with marriage/love, I'm not put off by the idea so it just seems natural for me to do it when I'm married and in love since my body seems to want to do it anyway.

[Naosuu]

Just IMO, I think it's sometimes harder to just go with the flow compared to finding a label that fits. I think in the last month or two I had another user be so engrossed in finding a label they got a little agitated after a while.

If you still want to continue asking people for advice, go for it. However, I think if you're working yourself up in a tizzy it may be better for you, just for now, to let go and think about what you'd like in your platonic/romantic relationships outside of labels and pre-determined behaviours/thoughts/what-have-yous.

I say this often but ultimately labels are there to guide you, not force your awesome complex self into an inflexible box.

[Atuin]

I've seen some people say that asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction and desire

Yep. I for one don't like the 'asexuality = only lack of sexual attraction' definition at all. I still don't understand how one could possibly separate the two (attraction; desire). How can you want partnered sex without being sexually attracted to the person who 'provides' it? Feel free to explain it to me ... I don't experience sexual attraction and I literally have no clue what I'm talking about

(I'm coming into this later than this was initially started, because I've been re-studying my identity lately and seem to have finally figured it out in a way that makes sense to me for the first time in my life! So I've not read the whole thread.)

For me, I desire pleasing the person I have partnered sex with. It's entirely about that to me. I actively desire pleasing them sexually, so I desire sex, because that's how I do so.

I don't desire it for myself. I don't have attraction. I do want to have sex. I do enjoy it when it happens.

[MinorThreatGirl]

I'm interested in the concept of sex, in a very distant way. The idea of it seems great and arousing, but I don't really care for it in reality.

[Cheerful]

If you desire partnered sex at all, you're not asexual.

The sexual orientation has a spectrum too, and I believe most on this site fall into that category. Demi, grey and the rest fit the low end of the sexual spectum; desiring sex under the right conditions.

Asexual down through time has always meant non-sexual.

[aforestfae]

Just IMO, I think it's sometimes harder to just go with the flow compared to finding a label that fits. I think in the last month or two I had another user be so engrossed in finding a label they got a little agitated after a while.

If you still want to continue asking people for advice, go for it. However, I think if you're working yourself up in a tizzy it may be better for you, just for now, to let go and think about what you'd like in your platonic/romantic relationships outside of labels and pre-determined behaviours/thoughts/what-have-yous.

I say this often but ultimately labels are there to guide you, not force your awesome complex self into an inflexible box.

I want to drop it cause I don't understand how on earth to figure it out, I seem to think I've figured it out then suddenly I question it all again, I don't like not knowing though so I feel like asking is the thing to do

But I also like discussing it, it helps me realise things I never had before.

And I want to find someone with a similar experience.