Asexuals that want sex(cupiosexuals?)?

[Fire & Rain]

I've seen some people say that asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction and desire

Yep. I for one don't like the 'asexuality = only lack of sexual attraction' definition at all. I still don't understand how one could possibly separate the two (attraction; desire). How can you want partnered sex without being sexually attracted to the person who 'provides' it? Feel free to explain it to me ... I don't experience sexual attraction and I literally have no clue what I'm talking about

I understand haha I get it (or at least I think I do), but I'm not sure how well I can explain it. I'll give it a try, though.

In relations to asexuality, I'd say there are two "types" of people who desire sex, and the first is usually composed of people who are asexual but are just starting to understand that that's what they are and haven't quite accepted it. They may desire sex for that would make them "normal," but if they were put in that situation, regardless of whether they acted on it or not, they would be unlikely to enjoy it.

The second is more on-topic, with asexuals who desire sex but are not sexually attracted to others. This is a bit harder for me to explain, but if I'm right then that "mindset" says more, "Sex is a way to express feelings." I understand that most sexuals say the same thing, but in the case of an ace saying this it would be more of a way to get closer, whether physically or emotionally, rather than it would be, "They're hot! I'm gonna go have sex with them!"

Er-hem. Okay, help me out, those of you who desire sex . . . am I right, did I get close, or am I way off point?

Or it is just physically pleasurable but most asexuals would be more than satisfied with masturbation. But if they had a sexual partner, they might satisfy their libido by having sex.

[kiaroskuro]

Well. Personally, the fact that I don't find anyone sexually attractive is what alienates me from all my friends and from the world. Not the fact that I don't want sex. That is a private matter that affects my relationship with maybe one person. The alienating thing for me was to hear everyone talk about this actor and that model and make comments on hot/sexy people, and to have those people assume and expect me to understand. That is why I need the asexual label. And that is why lots of aces need it too. The fact that they might want to partake in sex because it feels physically good or because it's a bonding experience has little to do with their sexual orientation. A sexual orientation is who you think is hot, who gets you turned on, who tickles your fancy. Not what you want to do.

For me it's just the other way round. What alienates me from the rest of the world is not the fact that I don't find others 'hot' - hate this word, but you know what I mean -, because I do, if only rarely. I am sensually attracted to people, but I can't really picture myself having sex with them. And that's why I need the asexual label. Because I'm surrounded by people who think: 'How can you not want it?'

[Hooded_Crow]

They ask you if you want sex? o_o gosh, yeah, that sucks too. I've had a few people, upon learning I was still a virgin, ask "but aren't you curious? Doesn't it bother you to still be a virgin?" But I just go "Nah, I don't care." And they just accept it. Whereas whenever people have asked me who I fancied and I said "nobody", they always insisted, like "no but really who do you fancy? How about so and so?" >.<

I guess we know different kinds of jerks. Of course you need the label too :) you are just as entitled to it as me! I just don't want to be told I'm not so different from a sexual person because I don't relate at all with those people >_> that unfortunately seems to be quite a frequent idea >:

I believe someone who feels different from sexual people is absolutely entitled to the asexual label. I think it's all about the alienation we feel from the way most people experience sex.

[CNGB]

Ok, so I've had this debate before. Saying that: No. You are not asexual based on AVEN's definitions.

AVEN defines asexual as "Someone who does not experience sexual attraction". AVEN defines sexual attraction as: "Desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them." And based off of what you said here:

Well for me I desire to have partnered sex one day

You are not asexual. as you have said in later posts, you're probably under the ace spectrum, but not asexual.

Cupiosexual to me seems way too close to demisexual (defined by AVEN as "Someone who can only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has been formed.") for me to separate the two.

AVEN gives acknowledgement to letting people identify themselves, and I agree with that, but I want you to know what the definitions are.

I thought it was solely a lack of sexual attraction to anyone?

I didn't think cupiosexual had any emotional connection, just a desire for sex with someone but without the actual sexual attraction to the person

Asexual is lack to sexual attraction to anyone, yes. But the definition of sexual attraction is confusing, and based on the definition I'm going off of, you fit the definition of feeling sexual attraction, just to no one specific. But if cupiosexual doesn't have to do with an emotional connection, then okay. I equated the two based off of what you said but I've done further research and yes, demisexual isn't cupiosexual.

Ok, so I've had this debate before. Saying that: No. You are not asexual based on AVEN's definitions.

AVEN defines asexual as "Someone who does not experience sexual attraction". AVEN defines sexual attraction as: "Desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them." And based off of what you said here:

Well for me I desire to have partnered sex one day

You are not asexual. as you have said in later posts, you're probably under the ace spectrum, but not asexual.

Cupiosexual to me seems way too close to demisexual (defined by AVEN as "Someone who can only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has been formed.") for me to separate the two.

AVEN gives acknowledgement to letting people identify themselves, and I agree with that, but I want you to know what the definitions are.

AVEN is not the end-all be-all of asexuality.

No it's not, but seeing as it's the site we're using, it's the definition I'll be using. If you have a problem with that, use a different site or protest AVEN itself to change it's definition.

Relax, friend. You're entitled to your own opinions. All I'm saying is that not everyone uses AVEN's definitions, and that's not a requirement to being a member here. If this was your thread where you were wondering about asexuality then you would be more than welcome to use all the definitions from this site as you want. That being said, as Hooded_Crow has already pointed out, AVEN doesn't really know what the Hell it's talking about on this subject either. At one point it says that sexual attraction is the desire for partnered sex and at another point it says asexuals can want (meaning desired) partnered sex for many reasons without feeling sexual attraction. In other words, you can say that AVEN is right, but if you do then by AVEN's definition, aforestfae is still asexual.

So if you want to say that she isn't, then you're not really and truly talking about everything that AVEN says . . . you're talking about what you say.

[kiaroskuro]

They ask you if you want sex? o_o gosh, yeah, that sucks too. I've had a few people, upon learning I was still a virgin, ask "but aren't you curious? Doesn't it bother you to still be a virgin?" But I just go "Nah, I don't care." And they just accept it. Whereas whenever people have asked me who I fancied and I said "nobody", they always insisted, like "no but really who do you fancy? How about so and so?" >.<

I guess we know different kinds of jerks. Of course you need the label too :) you are just as entitled to it as me! I just don't want to be told I'm not so different from a sexual person because I don't relate at all with those people >_> that unfortunately seems to be quite a frequent idea >:

I believe someone who feels different from sexual people is absolutely entitled to the asexual label. I think it's all about the alienation we feel from the way most people experience sex.

Sorry, looks like I failed to get across what I really meant to say ... nobody actually asks me that, because I'm not out to anyone in RL.

Yep, of course we're both entitled to the label! There are many different types of attraction and of asexuals, after all, and I can't expect myself to fully understand how other people 'work'.

[SithLord]

Relax, friend. You're entitled to your own opinions. All I'm saying is that not everyone uses AVEN's definitions, and that's not a requirement to being a member here. If this was your thread where you were wondering about asexuality then you would be more than welcome to use all the definitions from this site as you want. That being said, as Hooded_Crow has already pointed out, AVEN doesn't really know what the Hell it's talking about on this subject either. At one point it says that sexual attraction is the desire for partnered sex and at another point it says asexuals can want (meaning desired) partnered sex for many reasons without feeling sexual attraction. In other words, you can say that AVEN is right, but if you do then by AVEN's definition, aforestfae is still asexual.

So if you want to say that she isn't, then you're not really and truly talking about everything that AVEN says . . . you're talking about what you say.

1. I am calm. 2. You're not my friend. 3. I don't care if everyone uses AVEN's definition since no one uses the same definitions for everything. I am using it because that's the site we're on, and that's the site aforestfae asked.

4. Aforestfae is NOT ASEXUAL because they want partnered sex. You have to use logic here. Asexuals could want partnered sex because it feels better than masturbating. They could want partnered sex because their partner desired it. But I have never once found an asexual who wants partnered sex because it's sex with a partner. That's not even an asexual libido-ist. That's cupiosexual, NOT asexual.

5. As I've pointed out, that falls under the ACE SPECTRUM, but not asexuality in and of itself. It might under other definitions but that's like going to a psychology website and using sociology definitions for everything. You could do it, but it's not the best to use because of the context.

6. I'm talking about what I say based off of what AVEN says. No one else here besides Hooded_Crow (who apparently doesn't like to address people directly it seems) has quoted anyone or sited anything to base their judgement off of. I could say I'm blue with purple antenna if I wanted but that doesn't mean it's true or that I have any basis. So while I respect your opinions on the matter, they're just that: opinions. State facts and I won't have such an issue with you, nor you me.

[CNGB]

Relax, friend. You're entitled to your own opinions. All I'm saying is that not everyone uses AVEN's definitions, and that's not a requirement to being a member here. If this was your thread where you were wondering about asexuality then you would be more than welcome to use all the definitions from this site as you want. That being said, as Hooded_Crow has already pointed out, AVEN doesn't really know what the Hell it's talking about on this subject either. At one point it says that sexual attraction is the desire for partnered sex and at another point it says asexuals can want (meaning desired) partnered sex for many reasons without feeling sexual attraction. In other words, you can say that AVEN is right, but if you do then by AVEN's definition, aforestfae is still asexual.

So if you want to say that she isn't, then you're not really and truly talking about everything that AVEN says . . . you're talking about what you say.

1. I am calm. 2. You're not my friend. 3. I don't care if everyone uses AVEN's definition since no one uses the same definitions for everything. I am using it because that's the site we're on, and that's the site aforestfae asked.

4. Aforestfae is NOT ASEXUAL because they want partnered sex. You have to use logic here. Asexuals could want partnered sex because it feels better than masturbating. They could want partnered sex because their partner desired it. But I have never once found an asexual who wants partnered sex because it's sex with a partner. That's not even an asexual libido-ist. That's cupiosexual, NOT asexual.

5. As I've pointed out, that falls under the ACE SPECTRUM, but not asexuality in and of itself. It might under other definitions but that's like going to a psychology website and using sociology definitions for everything. You could do it, but it's not the best to use because of the context.

6. I'm talking about what I say based off of what AVEN says. No one else here besides Hooded_Crow (who apparently doesn't like to address people directly it seems) has quoted anyone or sited anything to base their judgement off of. I could say I'm blue with purple antenna if I wanted but that doesn't mean it's true or that I have any basis. So while I respect your opinions on the matter, they're just that: opinions. State facts and I won't have such an issue with you, nor you me.

It just sounds like you're being extremely hypocritical. You'e using AVEN's definitions for things, but at the same time you're not? I don't have a problem with what you use to define something but you have absolutely no right, whatsoever, to tell someone they aren't asexual. If you wanted of course you could say, "I don't personally feel that so and so is asexual, but that's just my opinion . . ." and I wouldn't have such a problem with it, but I think that aforestfae knows herself--and her sexuality--a lot better than you do.

[aforestfae]

Relax, friend. You're entitled to your own opinions. All I'm saying is that not everyone uses AVEN's definitions, and that's not a requirement to being a member here. If this was your thread where you were wondering about asexuality then you would be more than welcome to use all the definitions from this site as you want. That being said, as Hooded_Crow has already pointed out, AVEN doesn't really know what the Hell it's talking about on this subject either. At one point it says that sexual attraction is the desire for partnered sex and at another point it says asexuals can want (meaning desired) partnered sex for many reasons without feeling sexual attraction. In other words, you can say that AVEN is right, but if you do then by AVEN's definition, aforestfae is still asexual.

So if you want to say that she isn't, then you're not really and truly talking about everything that AVEN says . . . you're talking about what you say.

1. I am calm. 2. You're not my friend. 3. I don't care if everyone uses AVEN's definition since no one uses the same definitions for everything. I am using it because that's the site we're on, and that's the site aforestfae asked.

4. Aforestfae is NOT ASEXUAL because they want partnered sex. You have to use logic here. Asexuals could want partnered sex because it feels better than masturbating. They could want partnered sex because their partner desired it. But I have never once found an asexual who wants partnered sex because it's sex with a partner. That's not even an asexual libido-ist. That's cupiosexual, NOT asexual.

5. As I've pointed out, that falls under the ACE SPECTRUM, but not asexuality in and of itself. It might under other definitions but that's like going to a psychology website and using sociology definitions for everything. You could do it, but it's not the best to use because of the context.

6. I'm talking about what I say based off of what AVEN says. No one else here besides Hooded_Crow (who apparently doesn't like to address people directly it seems) has quoted anyone or sited anything to base their judgement off of. I could say I'm blue with purple antenna if I wanted but that doesn't mean it's true or that I have any basis. So while I respect your opinions on the matter, they're just that: opinions. State facts and I won't have such an issue with you, nor you me.

But isn't cupiosexual actually defined as an asexual that desires sex? Thus making me asexual

Also i don't want sex with a partner for the sake of sex with a partner, I want it because I believe it would be more pleasurable and more enjoyable than on my own and it would be a level of intimacy I want to experience with only one person in my life, it's the idea of giving and receiving pleasure in such a private and intimate way and an expression of love of course this is all in theory and in practice could be unpleasant and unwanted or down right boring.

i just see it as I'm going to get in 'that' mood and if I'm in a relationship why shouldn't it be a shared experience?

[nicknack12]

I kind of want to have sex just because I'm in favor of the whole "don't knock it 'til you've tried it" outlook, but at the same time I know that I'm not sexually attracted to anyone. I guess I just want to give it a shot to be fair, though I doubt I'd enjoy it too much

[Hooded_Crow]

Hi, sithgirlx :)

I indeed don't like to address people directly because I don't want to make it seem like I'm personally attacking anyone.

I do understand that you don't think the OP is asexual. I keep my comments general except when it comes to describing my own experience, because we're not supposed to label each other, just provide food for thought and share experiences.

However, I believe the OP is one of those aces who might desire partnered sex for reasons beside sexual attraction (it might feel pleasurable, it might create emotional intimacy). Isn't AVEN acknowledging those reasons for an asexual person to have sex?

Oh, another idea. Isn't it possible that the difference between aces who want sex and sexual people is that for an ace, that desire is intellectual, thought out. Whereas for a sexual person it's an instinctive primal urge?

[test account]

.

[SithLord]

I'm addressing you all at the same time now because clearly you're all going to read this.

CALL YOURSELF WHATEVER YOU WANT. It doesn't change the facts.

By my definitions, and AVEN's, the OP isn't ace.

By your opinions, the OP is. Fine.

Call blue pink for all I care. We all see the world different. My blue might be your pink.

I'm giving my opinion based on facts and not opinion based on opinion like you are. OP asked, and I answered.

CNGB: I have no right to label OP, yes. Neither do you. No one does but them. ALL OF THIS WAS POINTLESS BY THAT LOGIC. I'd like to remind CNGB that if someone asks a question then they have a right to an honest answer. I gave mine, and you're clearly upset at that and saying I'm flat out wrong. But I have a right to answer if I have one, and you have no right to tell me I don't.

I'm going to kindly stop replying now because clearly you can call yourselves whatever you want besides definitions.

[Fire & Rain]

I'm addressing you all at the same time now because clearly you're all going to read this.

CALL YOURSELF WHATEVER YOU WANT. It doesn't change the facts.

By my definitions, and AVEN's, the OP isn't ace.

By your opinions, the OP is. Fine.

Call blue pink for all I care. We all see the world different. My blue might be your pink.

I'm giving my opinion based on facts and not opinion based on opinion like you are. OP asked, and I answered.

CNGB: I have no right to label OP, yes. Neither do you. No one does but them. ALL OF THIS WAS POINTLESS BY THAT LOGIC. I'd like to remind CNGB that if someone asks a question then they have a right to an honest answer. I gave mine, and you're clearly upset at that and saying I'm flat out wrong. But I have a right to answer if I have one, and you have no right to tell me I don't.

I'm going to kindly stop replying now because clearly you can call yourselves whatever you want besides definitions.

I don't see the point of separating the 1% who have similar experiences into more little groups. Labels and definitions should be clear, concise and inclusive. I've seen asexuals who lack sexual attraction but might desire sex, those who lack innate desire to have partnered sex but might experience sexual attraction and there are asexuals like me who lack both. I think it's very unfair to eliminate the other two when they share so many issues with us. I also believe that desire and attraction are indeed intertwined for some people but for others they are disconnected.

This topic is actually deeper than it seems. For me it always ends with trying to figure out who gets to decide what "asexuality" should be. AVEN? AVEN is a community. So should the community decide it? Should we all vote for it? Do you think the result would be something that you define with? Anything can change. Your fact can easily turn into an opinion because from what I can see asexuals who lack BOTH sexual attraction and innate desire for partnered sex are not the majority around here.

[aforestfae]

I'm addressing you all at the same time now because clearly you're all going to read this.

CALL YOURSELF WHATEVER YOU WANT. It doesn't change the facts.

By my definitions, and AVEN's, the OP isn't ace.

By your opinions, the OP is. Fine.

Call blue pink for all I care. We all see the world different. My blue might be your pink.

I'm giving my opinion based on facts and not opinion based on opinion like you are. OP asked, and I answered.

CNGB: I have no right to label OP, yes. Neither do you. No one does but them. ALL OF THIS WAS POINTLESS BY THAT LOGIC. I'd like to remind CNGB that if someone asks a question then they have a right to an honest answer. I gave mine, and you're clearly upset at that and saying I'm flat out wrong. But I have a right to answer if I have one, and you have no right to tell me I don't.

I'm going to kindly stop replying now because clearly you can call yourselves whatever you want besides definitions.

I do agree that by some definitions I am not ace, but you did yourself say I was most likely cupio, which is defined, on AVEN itself as 'an Asexual that desires sex' in simple terms making me asexual no? contradicting your claim that by AVEN's standards I am not asexual.

Maybe CNGB is upset because your answer (based on wording) may come across a little as opinion masquerading as fact? I'm not going to say your wrong, I asked for opinion of those more experienced than myself I welcome all input as a way to understand things myself.

The definitions just seem a bit overlapping and confusing, some say asexual is an umbrella term in itself then when does asexual become grey-a? Can not anyone on the asexual spectrum define themselves as ace if going by the umbrella theory, still ace even if it's rare sexual attraction or no sexual attraction or desire?

It just seems a tiny bit redundant to have so many labels that all fall under one term for anything other than on here and similar forums, I only feel like identifying as asexual to people who are unaware of all the labels under ace, I'm unsure if it's wise though, I'm conflicted so asking opinion to make sense :)

[Fire & Rain]

I'm addressing you all at the same time now because clearly you're all going to read this.

CALL YOURSELF WHATEVER YOU WANT. It doesn't change the facts.

By my definitions, and AVEN's, the OP isn't ace.

By your opinions, the OP is. Fine.

Call blue pink for all I care. We all see the world different. My blue might be your pink.

I'm giving my opinion based on facts and not opinion based on opinion like you are. OP asked, and I answered.

CNGB: I have no right to label OP, yes. Neither do you. No one does but them. ALL OF THIS WAS POINTLESS BY THAT LOGIC. I'd like to remind CNGB that if someone asks a question then they have a right to an honest answer. I gave mine, and you're clearly upset at that and saying I'm flat out wrong. But I have a right to answer if I have one, and you have no right to tell me I don't.

I'm going to kindly stop replying now because clearly you can call yourselves whatever you want besides definitions.

I do agree that by some definitions I am not ace, but you did yourself say I was most likely cupio, which is defined, on AVEN itself as 'an Asexual that desires sex' in simple terms making me asexual no?

It just seems a bit overlapping and confusing, some say asexual is an umbrella term in itself then when does asexual become grey-a?

It is confusing. Just go with your guts :) Figuring out who you are is more important that choosing the "right" label. And I hope you learned more about yourself from all these discussions.

[Fire & Rain]

Oh and just a little side note...

If sexual attraction and romantic attraction was clear, we wouldn't have people asking "what is sexual/romantic attraction?" in so many threads. I still don't understand what romantic attraction is. The common definitions of it don't make any sense to me but it seems to be clear cut for many people. It's ok for someone to be confused about the definitions, question it and/or challenge it.

[aforestfae]

It is confusing. Just go with your guts :) Figuring out who you are is more important that choosing the "right" label. And I hope you learned more about yourself from all these discussions.

Oh and just a little side note...

If sexual attraction and romantic attraction was clear, we wouldn't have people asking "what is sexual/romantic attraction?" in so many threads. I still don't understand what romantic attraction is. The common definitions of it don't make any sense to me but it seems to be clear cut for many people. It's ok for someone to be confused about the definitions, question it and/or challenge it.

I find them confusing, I don't experience sexual attraction it's taken me ages to separate sexual attraction/arousal/desire.

My gut tells me demi-cupio, but I chose ace as my 'umbrella' term for outside of this website, since cupio is defined as ace I saw no reason to confuse others who do not know the terms. Not that I go around telling people I don't actually care for sex, it's more, if it came up.

I'm not a big fan of multiple labels in one for myself but romantically speaking if I wanted to be over-specific I'd be fictio-cupio-demiromantic, I still find it one of the confusing ones, I think separating all the attractions can be hard when you're exposed to tv and film that make it all seem like one big interconnecting attraction

[aforestfae]

This might be a bit TMI but I did realise earlier that when I say sexual desire I mean the libido pops up and my body is like 'you know this would be so much more pleasurable with another person involved'

[Hooded_Crow]

There is no "fact". The only thing that is a fact is the way we feel. AVEN's definitions are not facts. The person who wrote those definitions is not God. It is a person who did their best to describe their own experience and pull generalities out of that. Generalities are not facts.

On another note, I'm very sorry, OP, that we polluted your thread with yet another pointless debate on definitions. What counts, as people have said, is not definitions. It's the way you feel :) if you feel more comfortable with the asexual label than with straight/gay/bi/pan, then that is what you should use.

And it seems that going by AVEN's definitions, you are both ace and not ace XD well la de da. Just go with your gut feeling :)

[aforestfae]

There is no "fact". The only thing that is a fact is the way we feel. AVEN's definitions are not facts. The person who wrote those definitions is not God. It is a person who did their best to describe their own experience and pull generalities out of that. Generalities are not facts.

On another note, I'm very sorry, OP, that we polluted your thread with yet another pointless debate on definitions. What counts, as people have said, is not definitions. It's the way you feel :) if you feel more comfortable with the asexual label than with straight/gay/bi/pan, then that is what you should use.

And it seems that going by AVEN's definitions, you are both ace and not ace XD well la de da. Just go with your gut feeling :)

I didn't initially feel comfortable with ace alone (mainly due to misunderstanding, since I thought ace meant no sex at all not even arousal), finding cupio and using that as a 'specific' made me feel more comfortable with ace as an umbrella term make sense? Since cupio is defined as ace, I do feel a bit like cupio is a little pointless in that sense (for me)

[Hooded_Crow]

Well I'm glad you found something you're comfortable with :D that's always a great feeling. And yes, even AVEN seems to say cupio is a kind of ace. So you can use ace as an umbrella term

I've also heard say that ace can be used not only by asexuals but also by grey-asexuals. So that fun little slang word is good for you either way ;)

[CNGB]

Fire & Rain, aforestfae, and Hooded_Crow: thank you all for saying what I would have said had I not been asleep. XD

aforestfae: At least to me, it sounds more like you've reached a better conclusion as to what you want to do about this sexuality--maybe not totally, but for the most part you seem better off than what you were before. So, congratulations. ^_^

[Fire & Rain]

It is confusing. Just go with your guts :) Figuring out who you are is more important that choosing the "right" label. And I hope you learned more about yourself from all these discussions.

Oh and just a little side note...

If sexual attraction and romantic attraction was clear, we wouldn't have people asking "what is sexual/romantic attraction?" in so many threads. I still don't understand what romantic attraction is. The common definitions of it don't make any sense to me but it seems to be clear cut for many people. It's ok for someone to be confused about the definitions, question it and/or challenge it.

I find them confusing, I don't experience sexual attraction it's taken me ages to separate sexual attraction/arousal/desire.

My gut tells me demi-cupio, but I chose ace as my 'umbrella' term for outside of this website, since cupio is defined as ace I saw no reason to confuse others who do not know the terms. Not that I go around telling people I don't actually care for sex, it's more, if it came up.

I'm not a big fan of multiple labels in one for myself but romantically speaking if I wanted to be over-specific I'd be fictio-cupio-demiromantic, I still find it one of the confusing ones, I think separating all the attractions can be hard when you're exposed to tv and film that make it all seem like one big interconnecting attraction

I also thought libido and sexual attraction were the same thing. I don't use the multiple labels outside of AVEN :) unless someone asks me to specify more. I always say I'm asexual and if they are familiar with romantic orientation, I would say I'm on the aromantic side of the spectrum. That's it. Most people are very icky about labels. If you use more than one, chances are they are going to invalidate you. To avoid all the unnecessary attention I think they should only be used for people who are genuinely interested in your identity.

[Ruqiah]

This got heated fast. But in reply to Fire and Rain, I also don't really bother with labels much either. I'm an asexual with no sex drive, which makes it easier for me to explain the asexual part. But I don't tell people this. Whether I want sex is no one's business but my own. Only two people know that I identify as "asexual" but everyone else pretty much has an idea that I am (they know I don't want sex) but I don't feel the need to give them a label for it. Or an explanation. It's none of their concern and so on. As far as romantic orientation, I fluctuate between extreme aro and somewhere in the middle of aro and ro. However, that's also only my business. If I want to share to someone about that fluctuation that occurs within me, that would only be to a potential partner for practical reasons. Otherwise, I don't see a point in me sharing this to people.

The labels only apply to how I feel about myself and the level of acceptance I have with myself. And I believe that this is what labels are for. Sometimes it helps to have categories of what we are or how we feel. It really shouldn't be anyone else's business to tell me what I am. No one but I has lived my life, so no one but me can tell me what I am. I can understand the need to tell other people your self revelations or your identity. It can help with understanding in a relationship, or maybe to gain acceptance from your surroundings. But in the end, only you can tell yourself what you are, and only I can tell myself what I am.

[Naosuu]

Just imo, I don't think someone can be asexual and cupio at the same time. The way it's written indicates the two words create an oxymoron.

Whether you want to say asexuals lack sexual attraction/desire/dat magical sexual ingredient is beating the proverbial dead definition horse. However, what we can agree on is asexuals have a tendency to attach little to no value to sex - meaning that, in general, they see sex as a chore, boring and would otherwise prefer to pick their nose or simply "tune out" until it's time to cuddle.

While I totally agree that asexuals can be curious and would participate in sexual activities for different reasons, I have a big problem with the language used in the definition of cupiosexual. As I understand it, the definition states, "someone who doesn't get turned on by other people but wants to have sex with other people." There's a very big difference between "being curious" and "wanting".

Being curious is being open to certain possibilities, like being curious about what pho tastes like, but not losing sleep over not taking those opportunities; much more laissez-faire attitude. Wanting indicates that the thing that is desired fulfills something deeper in the person - I want to have pho. I suppose another example would be asking a really obvious heterosexual if they want to have sex with the same sex vs. if they're curious about having sex with the same sex. I think asexuals, in general, don't attach that kind of value to sexual activity. Which is why I think the cupio and asexual labels together are an oxymoron.

That being said, if the OP wanted a label to state that they were interested in trying out sex aside from fulfilling some deeper, intrinsic value, then I think it would be perfectly acceptable to simply say, "I'm curious and open to having sex in the future." As is, by stating, "I want sex in the future," it definitively strikes me as an odd way to reinforce one's asexual identity.

[aforestfae]

Now I'm questioning everything again.

I feel bad using ace and I question if really I'm on the spectrum or just allo and trying to make myself feel better about my lack of actual relationship, the lack of love life just makes me feel crappy.

Also I did start this thread both for opinion and also to see if there was anyone else 'like me' ie I want to have sex one day for intimacy, expression of love and pleasure but ultimately there isn't anyone in my life I want to do that with as yet, I'm not going to go out and fuck anyone just cause the idea of sex seems pleasurable to me, my body wants it, I'm content to have sex when I'm married but until I'm in love I have no intention, no desire to do it.

That is why I identify as Demi-Cupiosexual, I only use ace as an umbrella term since both are classed as ace/grey-a but if it's going to cause so many arguments I'll drop it I only wanted to find a label I'm comfortable with for myself

[Hooded_Crow]

Well to me, the questions are:

- are you interested in males?

- are you interested in females?

- are you interested in trans people?

If the answer to those questions are "no, not like *that*", then I think it's fair to call yourself asexual.

This is how to figure out your sexual orientation.

Cupio is a word that describes your relationship to sex. It's an addendum if you will :) interesting to figure out too, but I wouldn't say it's a sexual orientation.

I have no idea if that's helping in any way >_>

[aforestfae]

Well to me, the questions are:

- are you interested in males?

- are you interested in females?

- are you interested in trans people?

If the answer to those questions are "no, not like *that*", then I think it's fair to call yourself asexual.

This is how to figure out your sexual orientation.

Cupio is a word that describes your relationship to sex. It's an addendum if you will :) interesting to figure out too, but I wouldn't say it's a sexual orientation.

I have no idea if that's helping in any way >_>

I would say interested in males, (TMI oh goodness TMI, I don't even admit this stuff to myself sometimes!) if I think about sex it's with males the majority of the time, typically applied to a fictional crush unless watching 'stuff' then male or female (it's a desire to be pleasured and in that moment I feel like I'd totally do it but obviously I can't say if I really would), but I've never met someone I'm interested in, but I get confused cause the urge kicks in and fantasies get created.

Maybe I don't fit anywhere, maybe I'm just trying to fit into a place I shouldn't, maybe I'm just straight up sexual and haven't met someone yet that I want to do it with

(I'm sorry if I seem rude I'm in a foul mood and this confusion doesn't help)

[Hooded_Crow]

Don't worry, it's okay. You're you. And you seems like a good person :)

It seems to me you are interested in sex in an abstract manner. Here's what I'm seeing here:

- asexual people can absolutely have a desire for sexual release/stimulation. Just because you feel aroused and feel like you need to be pleasured doesn't in any way disqualify you.

- you have never been sexualy attracted to anyone.

- fantasies do not disqualify you either. A fantasy is not a desire.

Sounds pretty ace to me so far.

Would you be unhappy if you didn't end up having sex? Let's imagine you have found a partner who is sex repulsed. Would you feel frustrated to be in a sexless relationship?

[aforestfae]

Don't worry, it's okay. You're you. And you seems like a good person :)

It seems to me you are interested in sex in an abstract manner. Here's what I'm seeing here:

- asexual people can absolutely have a desire for sexual release/stimulation. Just because you feel aroused and feel like you need to be pleasured doesn't in any way disqualify you.

- you have never been sexualy attracted to anyone.

- fantasies do not disqualify you either. A fantasy is not a desire.

Sounds pretty ace to me so far.

Would you be unhappy if you didn't end up having sex? Let's imagine you have found a partner who is sex repulsed. Would you feel frustrated to be in a sexless relationship?

I want to say yes because sexual urges are a pain and I've always just presumed sex would happen, I mean I can live without it currently so I don't see why I couldn't if I was with someone who didn't want to, I guess it would depend on whether it was no sexual stuff at all or whether touching but no actual sex I don't think I'd be unhappy more just frustrated every now and then maybe