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Asexuals that want sex(cupiosexuals?)?


aforestfae

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If my understanding is right asexuals can desire to have sex, just not sexually attracted to anyone (alternative term is cupiosexual)

Which describes me, I desire/hope to have sex with someone I'm very close to (Only actually want sex with my future partner, no desire for being with anyone else), but other than that no desire for sex with anyone, no sexual attraction, it seems to be very close between sexual attraction and sexual desire, once the desire kicks in I could apply it to someone I'm romantically close to quite easily, but they aren't the cause of the desire.

Is it just libido?

Can I still be Ace if I desire sex just not with someone specific? (I'm sure I've asked this before...) or is this more grey-a?

Are there any other Aces that do desire to have sex one day or even look forward to having sex one day?

If my title isn't quite right let me know and I'll edit it :)

Sorry is there is a similar thread

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Spectre/Ex/Machina

Yes, you can be Ace and still be interested in sex, asexuality is about attraction not behavior. Also, yes, Cupiosexual is the alternative term for this.

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There are people, even on here, who are likely to say that you're not asexual but gray-A, or something to that effect. The answer to your question (i.e., "Can I still be asxual if [...]") has an answer that is really dependent on a person's definition of asexuality. I've seen some people say that asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction and desire, meaning that such people would call you a sexual person.

Personally, I stop the asexual definition at attraction, so I would still say you're asexual.

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I've seen some people say that asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction and desire

Yep. I for one don't like the 'asexuality = only lack of sexual attraction' definition at all. I still don't understand how one could possibly separate the two (attraction; desire). How can you want partnered sex without being sexually attracted to the person who 'provides' it? Feel free to explain it to me ... I don't experience sexual attraction and I literally have no clue what I'm talking about :ph34r:

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I've seen some people say that asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction and desire

Yep. I for one don't like the 'asexuality = only lack of sexual attraction' definition at all. I still don't understand how one could possibly separate the two (attraction; desire). How can you want partnered sex without being sexually attracted to the person who 'provides' it? Feel free to explain it to me ... I don't experience sexual attraction and I literally have no clue what I'm talking about :ph34r:

Well for me I desire to have partnered sex one day (the desire is always there it's the same with romantic relationships a bit like a 'dream future' kind of thing) but there isn't actually anyone I want to have sex with, ie I am not actually in a relationship, I don't find anyone sexually or romantically attractive, I literally only have fictional crushes but I'm not actually sexually attracted to them, I'd only want to have sex with them if they were real and married to me, then I'd want it/they would be the one I'd want to have sex with....which I guess is a form of sexual attraction, I'm just confused about what it actually is...I think that's a poor explaination I'm sorry.

I guess it's more demi/cupio (hence my demi-cupiosexual 'status') I need the bond but I don't actually need a specific person to desire it...I'm no good at explaining sorry...

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I've seen some people say that asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction and desire

Yep. I for one don't like the 'asexuality = only lack of sexual attraction' definition at all. I still don't understand how one could possibly separate the two (attraction; desire). How can you want partnered sex without being sexually attracted to the person who 'provides' it? Feel free to explain it to me ... I don't experience sexual attraction and I literally have no clue what I'm talking about :ph34r:

I understand haha I get it (or at least I think I do), but I'm not sure how well I can explain it. I'll give it a try, though.

In relations to asexuality, I'd say there are two "types" of people who desire sex, and the first is usually composed of people who are asexual but are just starting to understand that that's what they are and haven't quite accepted it. They may desire sex for that would make them "normal," but if they were put in that situation, regardless of whether they acted on it or not, they would be unlikely to enjoy it.

The second is more on-topic, with asexuals who desire sex but are not sexually attracted to others. This is a bit harder for me to explain, but if I'm right then that "mindset" says more, "Sex is a way to express feelings." I understand that most sexuals say the same thing, but in the case of an ace saying this it would be more of a way to get closer, whether physically or emotionally, rather than it would be, "They're hot! I'm gonna go have sex with them!"

Er-hem. Okay, help me out, those of you who desire sex . . . am I right, did I get close, or am I way off point?

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I've seen some people say that asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction and desire

Yep. I for one don't like the 'asexuality = only lack of sexual attraction' definition at all. I still don't understand how one could possibly separate the two (attraction; desire). How can you want partnered sex without being sexually attracted to the person who 'provides' it? Feel free to explain it to me ... I don't experience sexual attraction and I literally have no clue what I'm talking about :ph34r:

I understand haha I get it (or at least I think I do), but I'm not sure how well I can explain it. I'll give it a try, though.

In relations to asexuality, I'd say there are two "types" of people who desire sex, and the first is usually composed of people who are asexual but are just starting to understand that that's what they are and haven't quite accepted it. They may desire sex for that would make them "normal," but if they were put in that situation, regardless of whether they acted on it or not, they would be unlikely to enjoy it.

The second is more on-topic, with asexuals who desire sex but are not sexually attracted to others. This is a bit harder for me to explain, but if I'm right then that "mindset" says more, "Sex is a way to express feelings." I understand that most sexuals say the same thing, but in the case of an ace saying this it would be more of a way to get closer, whether physically or emotionally, rather than it would be, "They're hot! I'm gonna go have sex with them!"

Er-hem. Okay, help me out, those of you who desire sex . . . am I right, did I get close, or am I way off point?

I think this is a significantly better explanation than I tried to give :)

It's basically I desire to have sex but there isn't anyone I actually want to do it with, I agree with the emotional and physical closeness idea, but I'm a virgin so I could have a very romanticized idea of sexual relationships.

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I've seen some people say that asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction and desire

Yep. I for one don't like the 'asexuality = only lack of sexual attraction' definition at all. I still don't understand how one could possibly separate the two (attraction; desire). How can you want partnered sex without being sexually attracted to the person who 'provides' it? Feel free to explain it to me ... I don't experience sexual attraction and I literally have no clue what I'm talking about :ph34r:

I understand haha I get it (or at least I think I do), but I'm not sure how well I can explain it. I'll give it a try, though.

In relations to asexuality, I'd say there are two "types" of people who desire sex, and the first is usually composed of people who are asexual but are just starting to understand that that's what they are and haven't quite accepted it. They may desire sex for that would make them "normal," but if they were put in that situation, regardless of whether they acted on it or not, they would be unlikely to enjoy it.

The second is more on-topic, with asexuals who desire sex but are not sexually attracted to others. This is a bit harder for me to explain, but if I'm right then that "mindset" says more, "Sex is a way to express feelings." I understand that most sexuals say the same thing, but in the case of an ace saying this it would be more of a way to get closer, whether physically or emotionally, rather than it would be, "They're hot! I'm gonna go have sex with them!"

Er-hem. Okay, help me out, those of you who desire sex . . . am I right, did I get close, or am I way off point?

I think this is a significantly better explanation than I tried to give :)

It's basically I desire to have sex but there isn't anyone I actually want to do it with, I agree with the emotional and physical closeness idea, but I'm a virgin so I could have a very romanticized idea of sexual relationships.

Nah, there are a lot of people who aren't virgins that romanticize sex. :) I think it's pretty normal.

Also, I'm glad that my explanation didn't suck haha

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The second is more on-topic, with asexuals who desire sex but are not sexually attracted to others. This is a bit harder for me to explain, but if I'm right then that "mindset" says more, "Sex is a way to express feelings." I understand that most sexuals say the same thing, but in the case of an ace saying this it would be more of a way to get closer, whether physically or emotionally, rather than it would be, "They're hot! I'm gonna go have sex with them!"

Er-hem. Okay, help me out, those of you who desire sex . . . am I right, did I get close, or am I way off point?

Thanks for your explanation. :) But still, I would be lying if I said everything is clear to me now.

Another thing: the way you've described it, doesn't that devaluate the 'allosexual mindset' a little? I mean, not all allosexuals are that shallow, I think that many of them - if not necessarily all - want sex to get emotionally closer to their partner, too ... to share intimacy.

No offense, that was just a thought I had.

Edit: Sorry, seems that I've overlooked sth (see bold face printing)

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I'm lost. How is this any different than a sexual person whos virgin and single but still wants sex? The only difference I see is that you've replaced a sexual with an asexual.

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The second is more on-topic, with asexuals who desire sex but are not sexually attracted to others. This is a bit harder for me to explain, but if I'm right then that "mindset" says more, "Sex is a way to express feelings." I understand that most sexuals say the same thing, but in the case of an ace saying this it would be more of a way to get closer, whether physically or emotionally, rather than it would be, "They're hot! I'm gonna go have sex with them!"

Er-hem. Okay, help me out, those of you who desire sex . . . am I right, did I get close, or am I way off point?

Thanks for your explanation. :) But still, I would be lying if I said everything is clear to me now.

Another thing: the way you've described it, doesn't that devaluate the 'allosexual mindset' a little? I mean, not all allosexuals are that shallow, I think that many of them - if not necessarily all - want sex to get emotionally closer to their partner, too ... to share intimacy.

No offense, that was just a thought I had.

Edit: Sorry, seems that I've overlooked sth (see bold face printing)

The separation is just sexual attraction vs no sexual attraction, you can desire to have sex but not actually be sexually attracted to the person you want to do it with, it's a confusing thing to get your head around, only other way of putting it I can think of it I like the idea of sex, I think it would be a pleasurable and intimate experience to share, but I don't feel sexual attraction so there isn't anyone I'd do it with.

I'm terrible at explaining I'm sorry

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I'm lost. How is this any different than a sexual person whos virgin and single but still wants sex? The only difference I see is that you've replaced a sexual with an asexual.

I don't feel sexual attraction never have, which is the definition of asexual I'm going by.

Allosexual Virgins can feel sexual attraction

Edit: I'm not trying to cause any arguments or anything just get opinions on if this would be grey-a or ace :)

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I'm lost. How is this any different than a sexual person whos virgin and single but still wants sex? The only difference I see is that you've replaced a sexual with an asexual.

I don't feel sexual attraction never have, which is the definition of asexual I'm going by.

Allosexual Virgins can feel sexual attraction

What she said.

. . . .

I did not mean it that way.

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To clarify, I have no idea what sexual attraction is. So you're basically saying that a person can want sex but not be attracted to the person they are doing it with and still be asexual? Its more about wanting the act itself as opposed to something that somebodys body makes one feel?

Edit: also I don't want sex and don't have a libido. And I don't get any reaction or desire from another persons body. So this is my definition for myself. Just trying to understand other perspectives. :)

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I'm lost. How is this any different than a sexual person whos virgin and single but still wants sex? The only difference I see is that you've replaced a sexual with an asexual.

I don't feel sexual attraction never have, which is the definition of asexual I'm going by.

Allosexual Virgins can feel sexual attraction

What she said.

. . . .

I did not mean it that way.

...Me?

Sorry I'm stupid and have stupid anxiety and like to be certain of things like the silly thing I am

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To clarify, I have no idea what sexual attraction is. So you're basically saying that a person can want sex but not be attracted to the person they are doing it with and still be asexual? Its more about wanting the act itself as opposed to something that somebodys body makes one feel?

yeah :)

It's kind of like wanting to experience it as an intimate act with someone, not because you feel sexual attraction to the person you want to do it with...make sense?

I know it's confusing :blush:

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I'm lost. How is this any different than a sexual person whos virgin and single but still wants sex? The only difference I see is that you've replaced a sexual with an asexual.

I don't feel sexual attraction never have, which is the definition of asexual I'm going by.

Allosexual Virgins can feel sexual attraction

What she said.

. . . .

I did not mean it that way.

...Me?

Sorry I'm stupid and have stupid anxiety and like to be certain of things like the silly thing I am

Nah you're not stupid. XD Yes, you.

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Ricecream-man

Two questions.

1. What differentiates you and a sexual who just happens to have really high standards.

2. Is it that you actually want to have sex with someone, or do you just see sex as being an integral part of a loving relationship. For yourself, do you consider having sex to be tied with being in love?

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A sexual orientation is about who you are sexually attracted to, which gender(s) you see in a sexual light. It is not about whether or not you like or want sex.

I think cupiosexual is a hideous word XD but yes, apparently it is accurate.

Here's my personal experience if it can help:

I have a libido and I'm not sex repulsed. I love my partner and I want to share as much as possible with him. He wants to share as much as possible with me, too. So I prefer relieving my libido with him, as it makes an otherwise somewhat tedious task into a shared loving experience.

Might be worth noting this is all cyber at the moment, so I'm not one hundred percent sure this is how it would pan out IRL. But I see no reason why not. And I see no reason to stop calling myself asexual :)

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Ok, so I've had this debate before. Saying that: No. You are not asexual based on AVEN's definitions.

AVEN defines asexual as "Someone who does not experience sexual attraction". AVEN defines sexual attraction as: "Desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them." And based off of what you said here:

Well for me I desire to have partnered sex one day

You are not asexual. as you have said in later posts, you're probably under the ace spectrum, but not asexual.

Cupiosexual to me seems way too close to demisexual (defined by AVEN as "Someone who can only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has been formed.") for me to separate the two.

AVEN gives acknowledgement to letting people identify themselves, and I agree with that, but I want you to know what the definitions are.

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Two questions.

1. What differentiates you and a sexual who just happens to have really high standards.

2. Is it that you actually want to have sex with someone, or do you just see sex as being an integral part of a loving relationship. For yourself, do you consider having sex to be tied with being in love?

1 no idea, I'm just going by the fact I've never been attracted to anyone in a sexual or romantic sense, but I want to be.

2 I'd only want sex in specific circumstances, I could even change my mind if it actually came to it

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Ok, so I've had this debate before. Saying that: No. You are not asexual based on AVEN's definitions.

AVEN defines asexual as "Someone who does not experience sexual attraction". AVEN defines sexual attraction as: "Desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them." And based off of what you said here:

Well for me I desire to have partnered sex one day

You are not asexual. as you have said in later posts, you're probably under the ace spectrum, but not asexual.

Cupiosexual to me seems way too close to demisexual (defined by AVEN as "Someone who can only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has been formed.") for me to separate the two.

AVEN gives acknowledgement to letting people identify themselves, and I agree with that, but I want you to know what the definitions are.

I thought it was solely a lack of sexual attraction to anyone?

I didn't think cupiosexual had any emotional connection, just a desire for sex with someone but without the actual sexual attraction to the person

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Ricecream-man

Ok, so I've had this debate before. Saying that: No. You are not asexual based on AVEN's definitions.

AVEN defines asexual as "Someone who does not experience sexual attraction". AVEN defines sexual attraction as: "Desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them." And based off of what you said here:

Well for me I desire to have partnered sex one day

You are not asexual. as you have said in later posts, you're probably under the ace spectrum, but not asexual.

Cupiosexual to me seems way too close to demisexual (defined by AVEN as "Someone who can only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has been formed.") for me to separate the two.

AVEN gives acknowledgement to letting people identify themselves, and I agree with that, but I want you to know what the definitions are.

I thought it was solely a lack of sexual attraction to anyone?

I didn't think cupiosexual had any emotional connection, just a desire for sex with someone but without the actual sexual attraction to the person

Cupio is more of the desire for the concept of sex. You like the idea of it and you think you want it but you've never found anyone with whom you've actually want to go for it.

So at the moment it seems (it's up to you just putting it out there) that you fall under cupio.

Demi is more that you don't normally feel sexual attraction at all, but given a strong enough emotional connection you'll desire sex.

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Ok, so I've had this debate before. Saying that: No. You are not asexual based on AVEN's definitions.

AVEN defines asexual as "Someone who does not experience sexual attraction". AVEN defines sexual attraction as: "Desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them." And based off of what you said here:

Well for me I desire to have partnered sex one day

You are not asexual. as you have said in later posts, you're probably under the ace spectrum, but not asexual.

Cupiosexual to me seems way too close to demisexual (defined by AVEN as "Someone who can only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has been formed.") for me to separate the two.

AVEN gives acknowledgement to letting people identify themselves, and I agree with that, but I want you to know what the definitions are.

AVEN is not the end-all be-all of asexuality.

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Two questions.

1. What differentiates you and a sexual who just happens to have really high standards.

2. Is it that you actually want to have sex with someone, or do you just see sex as being an integral part of a loving relationship. For yourself, do you consider having sex to be tied with being in love?

1 no idea, I'm just going by the fact I've never been attracted to anyone in a sexual or romantic sense, but I want to be.

2 I'd only want sex in specific circumstances, I could even change my mind if it actually came to it

I could definitely be wrong, but it sounds like the difference between aforestfae and a sexual is that the latter is going to be sexually attracted to people regardless of how high those standards are.

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AVEN also says that "asexuals do not get horny towards other people. Most would be completely satisfied if they didn't share a single sexual experience for the rest of their lives". Most. Not all of them.

Pretty much every website on asexuality says that asexual people may want to have sex for lots of reasons beside sexual attraction.

What AVEN says:

- Sexual attraction is the desire for partnered sex.

- Asexual people can want partnered sex for many reasons without feeling sexually attracted to their partners.

... Uhhh... What? o_O

Additionally, those aces who have an interest in sex/trying it out or who have it and enjoy it but don't find anyone of any gender sexually attractive always get the "what makes you different from a sexual person with high standards, then?"

Well. Personally, the fact that I don't find anyone sexually attractive is what alienates me from all my friends and from the world. Not the fact that I don't want sex. That is a private matter that affects my relationship with maybe one person. The alienating thing for me was to hear everyone talk about this actor and that model and make comments on hot/sexy people, and to have those people assume and expect me to understand. That is why I need the asexual label. And that is why lots of aces need it too. The fact that they might want to partake in sex because it feels physically good or because it's a bonding experience has little to do with their sexual orientation. A sexual orientation is who you think is hot, who gets you turned on, who tickles your fancy. Not what you want to do.

My two cents. But of course I don't want to eject from asexuality those of us who don't want sex. I don't want sex. Most aces, I think, don't want sex. But those who do aren't less ace. They certainly aren't straight or gay or bi or pan since no gender gets their motor running. They're ace.

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AVEN also says that "asexuals do not get horny towards other people. Most would be completely satisfied if they didn't share a single sexual experience for the rest of their lives". Most. Not all of them.

Pretty much every website on asexuality says that asexual people may want to have sex for lots of reasons beside sexual attraction.

What AVEN says:

- Sexual attraction is the desire for partnered sex.

- Asexual people can want partnered sex for many reasons without feeling sexually attracted to their partners.

... Uhhh... What? o_O

Additionally, those aces who have an interest in sex/trying it out or who have it and enjoy it but don't find anyone of any gender sexually attractive always get the "what makes you different from a sexual person with high standards, then?"

Well. Personally, the fact that I don't find anyone sexually attractive is what alienates me from all my friends and from the world. Not the fact that I don't want sex. That is a private matter that affects my relationship with maybe one person. The alienating thing for me was to hear everyone talk about this actor and that model and make comments on hot/sexy people, and to have those people assume and expect me to understand. That is why I need the asexual label. And that is why lots of aces need it too. The fact that they might want to partake in sex because it feels physically good or because it's a bonding experience has little to do with their sexual orientation. A sexual orientation is who you think is hot, who gets you turned on, who tickles your fancy. Not what you want to do.

My two cents. But of course I don't want to eject from asexuality those of us who don't want sex. I don't want sex. Most aces, I think, don't want sex. But those who do aren't less ace. They certainly aren't straight or gay or bi or pan since no gender gets their motor running. They're ace.

Girl, preach.

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Ok, so I've had this debate before. Saying that: No. You are not asexual based on AVEN's definitions.

AVEN defines asexual as "Someone who does not experience sexual attraction". AVEN defines sexual attraction as: "Desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them." And based off of what you said here:

Well for me I desire to have partnered sex one day

You are not asexual. as you have said in later posts, you're probably under the ace spectrum, but not asexual.

Cupiosexual to me seems way too close to demisexual (defined by AVEN as "Someone who can only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has been formed.") for me to separate the two.

AVEN gives acknowledgement to letting people identify themselves, and I agree with that, but I want you to know what the definitions are.

I thought it was solely a lack of sexual attraction to anyone?

I didn't think cupiosexual had any emotional connection, just a desire for sex with someone but without the actual sexual attraction to the person

Asexual is lack to sexual attraction to anyone, yes. But the definition of sexual attraction is confusing, and based on the definition I'm going off of, you fit the definition of feeling sexual attraction, just to no one specific. But if cupiosexual doesn't have to do with an emotional connection, then okay. I equated the two based off of what you said but I've done further research and yes, demisexual isn't cupiosexual.

Ok, so I've had this debate before. Saying that: No. You are not asexual based on AVEN's definitions.

AVEN defines asexual as "Someone who does not experience sexual attraction". AVEN defines sexual attraction as: "Desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them." And based off of what you said here:

Well for me I desire to have partnered sex one day

You are not asexual. as you have said in later posts, you're probably under the ace spectrum, but not asexual.

Cupiosexual to me seems way too close to demisexual (defined by AVEN as "Someone who can only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has been formed.") for me to separate the two.

AVEN gives acknowledgement to letting people identify themselves, and I agree with that, but I want you to know what the definitions are.

AVEN is not the end-all be-all of asexuality.

No it's not, but seeing as it's the site we're using, it's the definition I'll be using. If you have a problem with that, use a different site or protest AVEN itself to change it's definition.

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