Feeling Sexy

[Allotasm]

I think there are enough aces out there that like feeling sexy that they can probably also help me out here...

My partner is realizing he's asexual, and that's a really exciting thing for him, he's running rampant through all these feelings of acceptance and community and it's great. I'm really happy he's not feeling broken.
My intersectional feminist-fu is strong, I'm aware of asexuality and have read all the literature even before this, so he's doing fine, I understand what happened, it all makes sense, none of this is an issue.

I really don't want to poke the frail situation he's in and be as supportive as possible right now so I don't want to bring it up with him until he's a little more settled into how he feels and what he needs (I would hate for him to go back to "pretending" because he doesn't want to hurt me, even though honestly that's sort of inevitable and healthy with something like this. I'll be hurt, we'll work it out, everything will be fine) but I'm deathly afraid this is going to stop me from really feeling good about myself in our relationship. We've got the sex all figured out already just by having it and both being communicative people, it's a wonder it took this long for him, I suppose I just never thought of it...

Regardless it's just really painful to know that this feeling that he's not attracted to me isn't going to change (I was ok with it when I thought maybe it was something we just needed to work out), and I'm worried I'm going to start being unhappy because of the hits to my self esteem.

I think I need to find other ways to feel sexy and beautiful without that attention. Any tips from long timers? Sexual people in asexual relationships?
Again, the actual sex is worked out. He knows I'm attractive, he thinks I'm objectively sexy, and he loves me, I know all these things. It's just that.. that *umph* of really being wanted that hits hard.

[CNGB]

To be honest, I don't understand why you feel that he won't think you're beautiful anymore. It's true that he might not think of you as sexy (but that really depends on how one uses that word. I use it to describe someone I find sexually appealing--in other words, I don't use it to describe anyone), but don't forget that aesthetic attraction exists. I think loads of people are aesthetically attractive, and I'd call them pretty, handsome, etc. For those who experience aesthetic attraction, this is pretty normal. There's a good chance your partner is the same (I mean, most people I know experience aesthetic attraction, sooo . . .). :)

[Allotasm]

Oh for sure. I know he thinks I'm beautiful.
It's that I don't FEEL beautiful. This is something that was already missing, I just had hope we'd sorta sync it up, and now I know that no, he's not expressing that attraction, that he wants me, because he just doesn't feel it.

Feeling aesthetically pleasing and feeling sexy and wanted and hot good goddamn is not really the same thing.


It's something that's tied into being sexually wanted for me (and for most people, I think, even if that's not really healthy), to being attractive to someone, and I think I need to decouple those two, and find alternate methods of feeling that way about myself.

[Ricecream-man]

Oh for sure. I know he thinks I'm beautiful.

It's that I don't FEEL beautiful. This is something that was already missing, I just had hope we'd sorta sync it up, and now I know that no, he's not expressing that attraction, that he wants me, because he just doesn't feel it.

Feeling aesthetically pleasing and feeling sexy and wanted and hot good goddamn is not really the same thing.

It's something that's tied into being sexually wanted for me (and for most people, I think, even if that's not really healthy), to being attractive to someone, and I think I need to decouple those two, and find alternate methods of feeling that way about myself.

Just to get it straight, you're currently worried that your self esteem might take a hit due to him not wanting you in that primal sexual way, that *umph* I want to rip your clothes off, type of feel? (Okay, maybe not quite like that but just as an example.)

[RD_the]

My sister always says that when you feel like crap the best thing to do is put on bright red lipstick. Her best friend has taken this to heart, but her colour is purple.

I find that putting in the effort always makes me feel more attractive. Pick clothes that make you feel sexy. Put on makeup on days when you are feeling particularly unattractive. Even (and especially) if you aren't going anywhere. Play with your look. When you put on bronzer or blush, smile at yourself in the mirror. It helps to get the powder on the right part of your face, and it gets happy chemicals flowing in your brain. Do your hair. Budget for some self-pampering.

If all else fails, go to some clothes stores and start trying on clothes. Step out of the change room with the new stuff on and preen in front of a store mirror. Shamelessly angle for complements from the other people in the store.

I always find that if I put in the effort to make myself feel amazing, it matters less what I get from other people. It doesn't work 100% of the time, but it works enough.

Even though I am ace, I really like being appreciated for my appearance. (Not *just* my appearance, but you know.) I went for years without having anyone to look good for (and no, the street harassers don't count). I found that taking these steps and looking good for me first really helped. It probably isn't going to be a perfect solution for you, but it might help.

[CNGB]

Ohh, okay. Sorry, I misunderstood what you meant. (Whoopsie!)

I'm no psychologist, but I do know that feeling attractive (however it comes) is largely dependent on one's mentality. Have you ever done or tried to do some "exercises" that might help you with confidence?

I used to be friends with a girl who was extremely lacking in the confidence field. Although several people told her she was beautiful and hot and all that (and really, by most people's standards she is), she never believed them, until she was fourteen or fifteen. Every day she would get completely naked and view her body in various poses in front of a mirror and force herself to pick out at least one aspect of her body that she liked (e.g., "I'm pale, I have an okay butt," etc.). Everyday she would say a mantra like, "I'm beautiful/pretty/hot/gorgeous," and so on. It didn't take her long before her confidence got to where she wanted it to be.

If you do some of these things, and the things that RD_the has mentioned, I think you'll find that you think you're beautiful in time, too.

[Also, TMI--and seriously, fellow amoebas, y'all probably don't want to read this: Before I reached bodily self-acceptance I was intellectually aware that there are people who love the things that I was insecure about. Erotica and masturbation helped big time, because I found a few stories out there that focused on celebrating the things I didn't like about myself. The day after I did that, there was very little for me to feel insecure about. Granted, this type of thing would probably only work if there's a major issue about you that you don't like--some people hate having red hair, for example--but I thought it was worth mentioning, just in case it helps.]

[Allotasm]

Oh for sure. I know he thinks I'm beautiful.

It's that I don't FEEL beautiful. This is something that was already missing, I just had hope we'd sorta sync it up, and now I know that no, he's not expressing that attraction, that he wants me, because he just doesn't feel it.

Feeling aesthetically pleasing and feeling sexy and wanted and hot good goddamn is not really the same thing.

It's something that's tied into being sexually wanted for me (and for most people, I think, even if that's not really healthy), to being attractive to someone, and I think I need to decouple those two, and find alternate methods of feeling that way about myself.

Just to get it straight, you're currently worried that your self esteem might take a hit due to him not wanting you in that primal sexual way, that *umph* I want to rip your clothes off, type of feel? (Okay, maybe not quite like that but just as an example.)

Yeah, exactly.

I mean, it already kind of does take a hit because of that, despite my knowing it's illogical.

My sister always says that when you feel like crap the best thing to do is put on bright red lipstick. Her best friend has taken this to heart, but her colour is purple.

I find that putting in the effort always makes me feel more attractive. Pick clothes that make you feel sexy. Put on makeup on days when you are feeling particularly unattractive. Even (and especially) if you aren't going anywhere. Play with your look. When you put on bronzer or blush, smile at yourself in the mirror. It helps to get the powder on the right part of your face, and it gets happy chemicals flowing in your brain. Do your hair. Budget for some self-pampering.

If all else fails, go to some clothes stores and start trying on clothes. Step out of the change room with the new stuff on and preen in front of a store mirror. Shamelessly angle for complements from the other people in the store.

I always find that if I put in the effort to make myself feel amazing, it matters less what I get from other people. It doesn't work 100% of the time, but it works enough.

Even though I am ace, I really like being appreciated for my appearance. (Not *just* my appearance, but you know.) I went for years without having anyone to look good for (and no, the street harassers don't count). I found that taking these steps and looking good for me first really helped. It probably isn't going to be a perfect solution for you, but it might help.

This is a nice idea. I kinda do this for just bleh days in general but I guess I hadn't thought of it as a solution for feeling less sexy in terms of the relationship, but it would probably function if I put effort in and appreciated myself + getting his aesthetic approval. Thanks, great idea.

[Also, TMI--and seriously, fellow amoebas, y'all probably don't want to read this: Before I reached bodily self-acceptance I was intellectually aware that there are people who love the things that I was insecure about. Erotica and masturbation helped big time, because I found a few stories out there that focused on celebrating the things I didn't like about myself. The day after I did that, there was very little for me to feel insecure about. Granted, this type of thing would probably only work if there's a major issue about you that you don't like--some people hate having red hair, for example--but I thought it was worth mentioning, just in case it helps.]

Proceeding with TMI

Once I masturbated to photos of myself as a way to get past some previous issues with feeling unwantable by anyone after an emotionally abusive relationship, and it took a lot of work to get myself feeling "foreign" enough to work (like thirty minutes of being like "dude that's me, gross, what?"), but centered on some aspects I could make it work with, like my jawline is apparently something I appreciate about myself, and it was really helpful with finding those little things that I don't notice about myself but apparently I like.

Just.. a back and forth on that train of thought.

Honestly it seems like focusing inward might work, I guess I just have this terror that it's gonna be insufficient without that easy indication that I'm sexually worthwhile.

Maybe I'm just panicking over nothing.

[Ricecream-man]

Honestly it seems like focusing inward might work, I guess I just have this terror that it's gonna be insufficient without that easy indication that I'm sexually worthwhile.

Maybe I'm just panicking over nothing.

No, that's perfectly fine. All your life you've associated that sort of sexual desire as something that you enjoyed, at least from someone you cared about if nobody else, and it's no easy feat to suddenly disassociate two things that have been coupled together for as long as you can remember.

Don't blame yourself for that. It's going to be hard and you're not wrong for having a hard time with it.

[CNGB]

What Ricecream-man has said. Try not to "disqualify" your feelings, because they're completely natural. It sucks that you are having a hard time with all of this, but it's just as understandable.

[Also, TMI--and seriously, fellow amoebas, y'all probably don't want to read this: Before I reached bodily self-acceptance I was intellectually aware that there are people who love the things that I was insecure about. Erotica and masturbation helped big time, because I found a few stories out there that focused on celebrating the things I didn't like about myself. The day after I did that, there was very little for me to feel insecure about. Granted, this type of thing would probably only work if there's a major issue about you that you don't like--some people hate having red hair, for example--but I thought it was worth mentioning, just in case it helps.]

Proceeding with TMI
Once I masturbated to photos of myself as a way to get past some previous issues with feeling unwantable by anyone after an emotionally abusive relationship, and it took a lot of work to get myself feeling "foreign" enough to work (like thirty minutes of being like "dude that's me, gross, what?"), but centered on some aspects I could make it work with, like my jawline is apparently something I appreciate about myself, and it was really helpful with finding those little things that I don't notice about myself but apparently I like.
Just.. a back and forth on that train of thought.

Honestly it seems like focusing inward might work, I guess I just have this terror that it's gonna be insufficient without that easy indication that I'm sexually worthwhile.
Maybe I'm just panicking over nothing.

Still TMI . . . well, no, but stems from a TMI conversation: Hey, I'm honestly glad that someone else has figured this out (well, what you did and what I did aren't quite the same, but they are very similar)! Now I don't feel so weird about that haha

[Allotasm]

Sigh.

He found me out and asked about it, we are gonna work on it together, too. He's already good about telling me when he likes something I might be insecure about, so its gonna be some back and forth and I have to get these feelings from myself more but he's gonna help.

Thanks for being a place to vent and feel less lonely about things.

[Tarfeather]

Nobody has ever found me to be beautiful in my life. My aro/ace girlfriend doesn't care about whether I'm beautiful and so I'm infinitely more happy with her than with anyone who actually cares about such things.

... I guess telling you how horrible my life is isn't necessarily going to make you feel better. But seriously, it could be worse. :>

EDIT: To maybe add something more constructive.. I find that focusing on your own appearance or "attractiveness" whatsoever is pretty self-destructive. It too much depends on your mood and self-image.. and obviously on factors you can not control (the body you were born with). Meanwhile, there are much better things to derive self-esteem from, such as your skills, your achievements, your perseverance, strength, etc. Those you can actually work on.

Before I met my partner, I was still somewhat focused on my body, just because I thought if someone didn't find me attractive they couldn't want a relationship with me.. Well, I was proven wrong, and it's helped me along the last bit of the way to truly not feel concerned about my "attractiveness". At this point, I view my body more like a trusty tool. It doesn't need to be good looking, it doesn't say much about "me", it's just a machine that keeps my mind alive and that I've grown fond of through years of use.

[Allotasm]

I'm pretty sexual, and find almost anyone that I like to be beautiful, sexy, attractive in some way.

I've heard similar phrasings about bodies from people with disabilities or who have experienced trauma (not that you have to have had either to be validly disinterested in liking your body), that the body is just a tool or being "a cool brain in a meat pile" but its just not something I can empathize with. I have such appreciation for others I would feel shitty not feeling appreciated in a similar fashion.

[Guest]

I've yet to discover a work around for that one. Not feeling wanted... I really don't think there's a replacement for that. The best I can do is address the feelings as the arise, deal with them, and then get up and do something else to take my mind off it.

[Hobbes!]

I can only echo what others have said. It sounds much like you're on the right track anyway by having the common sense to talk about it and treat it as an issue for both of you. The only thing I can add (As much for lurkers who may be reading this after help) is that like as not he will always be consciously thinking about it when it comes to sex. There won't come a day when he just spontaneously tries to rip your clothes off, so to speak (And if it does, he'll have thought "Hey, I know how I can make her happy!").

If you can, try and think of that in a positive way. It would mean that he cares enough about you to want to do something that on a fundamental level he doesn't feel any need for.

[Allotasm]

I can only echo what others have said. It sounds much like you're on the right track anyway by having the common sense to talk about it and treat it as an issue for both of you. The only thing I can add (As much for lurkers who may be reading this after help) is that like as not he will always be consciously thinking about it when it comes to sex. There won't come a day when he just spontaneously tries to rip your clothes off, so to speak (And if it does, he'll have thought "Hey, I know how I can make her happy!").

If you can, try and think of that in a positive way. It would mean that he cares enough about you to want to do something that on a fundamental level he doesn't feel any need for.

Actually this is something he's emulated before. Waited for me to walk around the corner and pounced me, but now I feel like he was trying to force something he thought should be happening, and reconciling the feeling of fakeness is going to be difficult.

I don't know if that's something I'm excited about except in the clear context of roleplay, tbh. I like feeling wanted. I am flattered and appreciate feeling like he'll pretend to want me, but it's really not what I'm into. I can see a lot of that feeling echoed when I read through the other threads in the forum, too.

[Perseus]

Anyone can feel sexy and they know it. LOL

[Barylambda]

Personally, being beautiful or feeling sexy is definitely not a goal. Seeing other people as sexy, meh. What I want people to think is, "Wow, he makes a damn fine orc!"