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Two people walk into a bar...(?) Accounts of primary romantic attraction


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tl;wr version: How can you be romantically interested in someone you barely know? What is "primary romantic attraction" as opposed to "secondary romantic attraction" and what is your (personal) experience with this?

First of all I have to say that I only recently found out about the label "demiromantic" and that it fits me pretty well. There've been some friendly relationships in my life where I've developed romantic feelings for another person which have not been reciprocated. Back then I was really confused about the fact that someone might be only platonically attracted to me, but then, at the same time, choose to spend (significantly) more time with me than with their significant other. Each time they talked about their S/O to me they'd complain and sometimes even cry, telling me how, very often, they feel alone and that they're so glad they found me. In my head I put quotation marks around this "significant other" of theirs because honestly - in that context - the concept didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Aren't you supposed to be with someone... you actually like? Of course I realize that I might simply not have been their type physically. But on an emotional level this was all a big mess for me.

And of course I'd not been able to think outside of the box of my own mind. I thought everyone was demiromantic in the sense that you'd only want to enter a romantic relationship with someone who is a very good friend of yours. And that, if you began a relationship with someone you barely know (or on the extreme end, openly despise), it was more about "not being alone" than true affection.

Having discovered the ace/aro community and all the different identities that come with it, I am now convinced that other people.. just work differently - and that I've had a severely limited view in the past.

Please understand that I do not want to invalidate anyone's identity or experiences with this post. I am genuinely trying to wrap my head around this new perspective. But it's difficult. The situation I described above happened more than once and, having no knowledge of the romantic spectrum, I got angry at myself for becoming romantically attracted to people who were seemingly as superficial as it gets when it comes to romance. Please note that I do not think like that anymore and that I realize it is hurtful toward others.

However, sometimes those thoughts creep back up on me, and I think the reason they do is because I have no "evidence" disproving them. Not even anecdotal evidence. Yes, I know. I should make do without any. But won't you make it easier for me? I've asked friends of mine to define "primary romantic attraction" for me, none of them could. It is not really properly defined on the AVEN wiki nor in any forum thread that I know of. When people write about it, it's always along the lines of "You can't really define it, sorry."

Nevertheless, my question to those who read this post is: "How does it work? What do you feel when it happens? Do I have to settle for 'It just happens.'" or can someone (at least) give me a more detailed description of their experience(s)?

Alloromantics, I need your help with this, please.

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I'd like to help you but I'm afraid I'm in the same boat as you. I don't know, I don't understand primary romantic attraction, so if anyone can explain it please do. I always just assumed it was something like love at first sight or at least close to first sight?

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(You'd think one of them would've seen it)

Jokes aside, I guess it's that instant connection with someone on some major aspects of your life? Dunno, I'm sure someone else will have a better answer. I have to get to know someone a lot before I can think of them as anything other than, well, people.

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It's always been the most natural thing in the world (though natural doesn't mean pleasant; I'm very glad SSRI medication switched romance off for me) for me to have romantic feelings for strangers/exceedingly loose acquaintances, often within minutes of meeting them. It's strongly connected to just liking someone's looks a lot.

I find it more baffling how someone can get romantic feelings for someone they're already friends with... that's not something I can relate to. Once I know someone with all of their quirks and details of their personality and all, it's almost impossible for me to feel romantically for them. There's not enough empty space to project onto them anymore, they've become too much of a person to get rated as objects (and romance necessarily means objectification, to me).

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passionatefriend61

I consider primary romantic attraction to be the type that happens all the time between two people who go from being strangers to dating. Couples that get set up by friends/family, people who meet on dating websites, etc. It's not INSTANT, like within the first meeting they have, but it happens fairly quickly. If you've only been on 10 dates, let's say, you're not friends--you haven't known each other long enough to be friends nor do you know each other well enough--but people could have romantic feelings for each other at that point.

Also, there's romantic attraction along the lines of secret crushes on people you barely know--like maybe someone you work with or the friend of a friend, someone you haven't spent any time with one-on-one or really talked to much in a personal way, but you're "in love" with them already.

I think the speed is associated with sex, frankly, and sometimes aesthetic attraction (if you're ace, let's say). Most people have sex within the first few dates, when they're dating strangers, and not only is it a way for them to tell whether or not they want to keep dating but it can often creates a sort of artificial closeness/intimacy. A sense that they know each other better than they actually do.

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Thanks for everyone's responses so far. I'll specifically address the two people who don't seem demi to me now:

It's always been the most natural thing in the world (though natural doesn't mean pleasant; I'm very glad SSRI medication switched romance off for me) for me to have romantic feelings for strangers/exceedingly loose acquaintances, often within minutes of meeting them. It's strongly connected to just liking someone's looks a lot.

I find it more baffling how someone can get romantic feelings for someone they're already friends with... that's not something I can relate to. Once I know someone with all of their quirks and details of their personality and all, it's almost impossible for me to feel romantically for them. There's not enough empty space to project onto them anymore, they've become too much of a person to get rated as objects (and romance necessarily means objectification, to me).

I kind of understand an attraction based on looks, though only in a platonic (and sexual) way. After all, a big part of how we enable strangers to recognize the groups/fandoms/insights we identify with is by choosing to look a certain way. I'd be interested in your opinion on long-term relationships though, because it seems like those would be out of the question for you. Cannot project anymore - cannot have romantic feelings anymore(?)

Concerning your state of baffledness, I will say that love has been a tricky thing for me. During one instance, I have figuratively felt something "click" in my brain, where I've changed from just platonic attraction to having romantic feelings for someone I've known for a few years. My head said something like "this person is very close to me and I feel very comfortable with them (also because we just shared a special moment). There might be more to explore in this relationship than just being friends. This is the person I want to be with." I liked them for their personality, and despite their flaws.

Another time it was a gradual thing that developed from a friendship into romantic feelings. So it can either be a step-by-step thing or a sudden realization for me. But in each case I had known the person for several months before any kind of romantic feelings developed.

It almost seems like we go about romance in completely opposite ways..

I consider primary romantic attraction to be the type that happens all the time between two people who go from being strangers to dating.

This is not yet quite what I was hoping to extract from the readers of this topic. Do you have any experience with this kind of situation (not as an outsider)? I'm asking because you have not really written about the process of "becoming romantically attracted". I read your answer as "it's not there, then it's there." I'm interested in what happens between those two points, before those 10 dates.

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I'd be interested in your opinion on long-term relationships though, because it seems like those would be out of the question for you. Cannot project anymore - cannot have romantic feelings anymore(?)

They're not out of the question (I've been in one for six and a half years... it only recently ended :(), but they'll be based in other things than romance - friendship, mostly (pretty much along the lines of what gets called "queerplatonic" on here). The less romantic feelings there are, the better the chances it will work out... and it's no coincidence that this long relationship only happened in my life after SSRI killed my romantic feelings (I went on SSRI in Oct '07, and first met R. around May or June '08).

You're correct in that I don't consider it possible to have a relationship built on romance that is both healthy and lasting (anything longer than three months is near incomprehensibly ancient to me, as far as romantic relationships go).

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I'm sorry to hear it ended :/

But I gotta say: I'm new to pretty much all of the ace community's vocabulary and way of thinking, and your perspective is definitely very intriguing. (Edit: ,in the sense that I've never heard about anyone like you before)

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Fire & Rain

Beats me. I rarely find anyone interesting (not romantically, just in general). Falling for someone romantically like right away sounds like a myth to me. It's not a myth though. I've seen it happen way too many times. I guess it's just another way (quite common way) of experiencing romantic attraction. I just don't see myself dating someone whom I have not already bonded emotionally. It's just weird. I mean I don't even want to touch them. It's so unappealing when there's no emotional bond.

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