AGMD9290 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 My partner of 2 years has recently come out to me as asexual. I love her but I will admit that our sexual life has always been an area of contention. However, I have questions about her asexuality. Let me stress that I don't have a problem with her being asexual. What I do have a problem with is her wanting sex with other people. About a year ago I was having problems with the frequency of our sex. Since the beginning of our relationship it has rapidly declined, making me somewhat insecure. She approached me with the idea of an open relationship, which I declined. An open relationship just isn't for me, I can't do it. Eventually it came about that she was the one who wanted to sleep with someone else. Needless to say, we got through it and it didn't happen. Now she's bringing up asexuality but still has the desire to sleep with other people. When I try to express my concerns that it feels like I'm the issue not sex in general she gets defensive, blames my insecurities and refuses to discuss it further. Am I in the wrong? Is it asexuality? How should I handle the situation? Do I need to do more research? Link to post Share on other sites
Gizamaluke Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 It sounds like she's trying to get your permission to cheat on you. Maybe that's her fetish, I don't know, but does she treat you right in every other aspect of your life? Does she love you, care about you, make sure you feel good? Because debasing your partner for not wanting her to have sex with other people sounds suspect. Link to post Share on other sites
Bronte Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Um.... that doesn't sound like asexuality to me... Link to post Share on other sites
Shoryu Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 There's quite a lot of red flags circulating in your post. She is not respecting your boundaries and instead pushing you into corners you're very uncomfortable with. Unfortunately, it does seem on paper that she is manipulating you to believe she has an outlandish justification to do the things that are hurting you. Declaring the relationship open without your consent? Cheating. Declaring she is asexual to make you feel guilty if she is... having sex with random people? Still cheating, and is emotionally trapping you to feel insecure about the whole situation. If I were you, I would take a step back and really assess what's going on here. Is it even worth it? Is mental health okay? Is she supportive? Should you break up? All these questions only you have the answer to, but it just seems like a toxic relationship you need to leave. As others have echoed, it doesn't really describe asexuality. There is a term called gray-a under the asexual umbrella where a person COULD experience sexual attraction only after developing a deep emotional and mental connection. Arguably, for those types of asexuals, those things take time to reach such point. The way you describe the situation seems as if she's having sex with multiple people on a whim. I'm not personally disowning her for doing that, but I am looking down on the fact that it's being done without she considering your feelings; that's a huge glaring issue that I hope you find a solution to... Link to post Share on other sites
ozzythefabulous Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Sounds a bit like she's just using asexuality as an excuse really... -_- Link to post Share on other sites
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