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How much of your identity is tied up in your (A)sexuality?


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almost alice

It was nice to find a term that describes my sexuality and to have a community around it that is actually open and accepting (being pan in the LGBTQIA+ community is not always a great experience).

But, if I was to make a list of descriptives about me, I don't know that it would be in the top ten or even twenty. Its part of who I am, but I feel like I would be the same person even if I was more sexual than I am. Maybe this is because I'm new to the community and to having a word that fits properly and once I've been around awhile it will be a bigger part of who I am, but right now its not a huge apart of my identity.

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That asexual guy

It's not the first thing I would tell someone if they asked me to say a little about myself, in fact there are a hell of a lot of more interesting things about me. But I am also not one to pretend that my sexuality has not had some influence on who I am.

I also think that once someone first decides they are gay, bi, asexual, or whatever, they just talk about it a lot. I'm not so sure it becomes the only thing about them. They are just excited about it and want to share it. After a while I think it dies down and they aren't so much concerned about it.

I will say I have a heterosexual female friend who once told me that I am more than my sexuality, yet she doesn't seem to be more than hers. The ONLY thing she ever talks about is wanting to have sex with someone. Guess I'm a way more interesting person than she is.

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Touchofinsight

Very little. The only time it even ever comes an issue is when I delve into the quagmire that is dating and relationships.

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WhatsSheCalled

I find that asexuality does form quite a large part of my identity. I think the fact I feel so elated whenever I come out to someone kinda shows that because I feel like I've finally shown them me as I fully am. I'm also the sort of person who would probably buy all the asexy merch in the LookHuman store if I could so...

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Francoise Wang

I feel that being ace is only a very small part of my identity, Because I'm heteromantic asexual, and most of the time I still "feel straight". Basically my life is almost exactly the same as straight girls. I'm attracted to boys, I drool over hot guys (but not aroused by them), I date boys, I desire romantic relationship, and I even would comprise to have sex when I enter a romantic relationship. So I relate with straight people a lot. Also almost all the allosexuals I know just assume that I'm straight.

But I do think about "Am I still asexual if I feel/do X?" a lot, almost thinking about it all the time. Although being ace is only a very small part of my identity, I'm still very afraid that I'm actually not asexual. Because if I'm asexual, then it's perfectly reasonable that I never have any desire for partnered sex. But if I'm actually not asexual, than I would just be a very weird sexual who never have any desire for partnered sex. And that would make me think that I should have partnered sex and learn to like it, because I'm sexual, I should do what normal sexuals do, and think that the reason I never desired or enjoyed partnered sex is just because I didn't try hard enough, and I should force my self to try harder. But I absolutely don't want to do that, and it would be a huge distress for me if I try to learn to like sex. Although I know that sexuals aren't obligated to have sex either, but I just don't want to be a very weird sexual. I'd much prefer being a normal asexual. So I think the asexual identity is still very important to me.

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Tarfeather

if I'm asexual, then it's perfectly reasonable that I never have any desire for partnered sex. But if I'm actually not asexual, than I would just be a very weird sexual who never have any desire for partnered sex. And that would make me think that I should have partnered sex and learn to like it, because I'm sexual, I should do what normal sexuals do, and think that the reason I never desired or enjoyed partnered sex is just because I didn't try hard enough, and I should force my self to try harder. But I absolutely don't want to do that, and it would be a huge distress for me if I try to learn to like sex. Although I know that sexuals aren't obligated to have sex either, but I just don't want to be a very weird sexual. I'd much prefer being a normal asexual. So I think the asexual identity is still very important to me.

Prime example of what I dislike about the usage of the "asexual" label. I find it highly preferable to become adamant about being yourself and not giving in to pressure, rather than hiding behind a label in order to avoid such inner conflict.

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~RedArcher

To be honest, I'm not sure. Somewhere around none to a little?

When I discovered Asexuality and how well it fit me, I did enjoy the feeling of finally having an identity and I felt secure in my own skin. For the first couple of weeks I also enjoyed the sense of community AVEN and knowing about Asexuality gave me. I still geek out at the jokes and grin whenever I see the flag pop up on Tumblr.

However, in public, I don't like people referring to it. Sure, I'm Ace but that's not ALL.

I'm not sure how I think it defines me. I like that I've found my place but at the same time, I want to be more than that.

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I would say that being ace has definitely has influenced me, but not that it necessarily defines me. I don't really go around telling people that I'm ace but if they know the term they would probably guess, (and some have) that I am simply because of my baffled/clueless behavior in some social, media contexts and conversations.There is so much more to what makes me, me, and there are so many things that I find important and interesting than just being ace. I am ace, but I am also blond and grey eyed, none of those things define me but they are part of who I am.

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I honestly don't think it shapes that much of my identity, although I do sometimes play the "token gay guy" (apparently being biromantic is enough to qualify) role for my friends, giving them fashion advice and stuff. Is my asexuality linked to my demeanor and usual interactions? No, I don't think so...

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In the sense that it strongly impacts what I do or interact the majority of the time, then no. BUT it was and is really important to me to understand how I am different from the average (sexual) person. That cognitive dissonance of not realizing the difference in my outlook vs that of most people was really stressful for me, and it's a relief for me personally to have a name to put to myself, and by understanding that I am different it helps me understand others better, particularly in the context of romantic relationships.

It's not something I bring up introducing myself, but it is important to me that my close friends know, so in that respect it is a part of my identity.

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plaidclash

I used to put a lot more emphasis on my asexuality. I was very proud but soon realized it wasn't such a good thing... I started to question whether I was ace at all. Everything got really confusing. Now if people ask about my sexuality, I'm like, "eh... I'm a lesbian". It's true, I like girls a lot (still figuring out if that's purely romantic or maybe a little sexual too). And that's it. It's not really a big deal for me, I don't use it to define myself anymore.

HOWEVER my mom feels the need to tell everyone she knows that I'm gay AND asexual. She makes it all serious and awkward and acts like my entire personality is all wrapped up in a blanket of asexuality and gayness. *sigh*

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It's become one of many contributions to my sense of self, which I consider incredibly important. The more I understand myself, the happier I've become in life. So, while the label itself isn't so important to my identity, the understanding that has come ever since I learned about the label has become absolutely essential to my sense of identity.

Put my thoughts on this into words for me.

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It's become one of many contributions to my sense of self, which I consider incredibly important. The more I understand myself, the happier I've become in life. So, while the label itself isn't so important to my identity, the understanding that has come ever since I learned about the label has become absolutely essential to my sense of identity.

That's why for me, my sexual orientation is important, but it has to do with me, and myself more than the other sorrounding me. It's true that know, sometimes, i feel like i need to talk about it, because, i have always felt like i didn't belong or that i couldn't relate to what the others said about sexuality and so on, and i haven't still finish figuring things out and clarifying myself. So right now, is quite an important part of my identity (moreover i'm in a personal reconstruction process or something like that i don't know how to call it) but i don't think it will be like that in the future. I mean, my sexuality is a part of me, at the same as my gender, as my hair, as my likes, dislikes, as my disabilites or ilnesses, as my studies... and so on if i had to do a presentation letter (to a friend or whatever) it wouldn't be something that i'd include at first.

As some other has said, i think, it also has an impact in how i perceive the world, but when i talk about it, i talk about my opinions not about my sexual orientation itself, for example that i didn't understand why you would stare at an attractive/person, like, ok they're pretty, cute, they are attractive but what? and now i understand that all those discussion could perfectly be because i don't feel sexual attraction.

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I had a teacher in one of my psychology classes one time who had each student draw a circle and divide that circle into various components of our individual personalities. So there I was sketching out wedges for things like "creative," "Catholic," and "Irish" when the teacher starts going on about sexuality. And I was like: huh? But I obligingly cut out the teeniest-tiniest wedge I could make and labeled it "heterosexual." This was of course before I learned about asexuality, and as far as I was concerned, sexuality was not important in my life. Truth be told, if the teacher hadn't mentioned it, I wouldn't have put it down.

But nowadays I would have to say that that has changed. Dramatically. Going into graduate school made me hyper-aware of how not-heterosexual I was. And so the logical part of my brain told me that I obviously was missing something and that I needed to try harder. It didn't work, naturally, but when I stumbling upon asexuality: BAM! It was like the whole world turned upside-down and finally started to make sense! Asexuality is not so much a label or a stereotype I feel akin to or need to follow, but rather it has become an explanation for all the things that used to drive me crazy about allosexuals. It's almost like an inside joke that no one but myself is privy to, but in this sexual society it's constantly there. If I could redo that circle of personality, asexuality would replace heterosexuality and be afforded a much bigger wedge. Not the biggest of course, not by far, but a sizable chunk nonetheless.

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I had a teacher in one of my psychology classes one time who had each student draw a circle and divide that circle into various components of our individual personalities. So there I was sketching out wedges for things like "creative," "Catholic," and "Irish" when the teacher starts going on about sexuality. And I was like: huh? But I obligingly cut out the teeniest-tiniest wedge I could make and labeled it "heterosexual." This was of course before I learned about asexuality, and as far as I was concerned, sexuality was not important in my life. Truth be told, if the teacher hadn't mentioned it, I wouldn't have put it down.

But nowadays I would have to say that that has changed. Dramatically. Going into graduate school made me hyper-aware of how not-heterosexual I was. And so the logical part of my brain told me that I obviously was missing something and that I needed to try harder. It didn't work, naturally, but when I stumbling upon asexuality: BAM! It was like the whole world turned upside-down and finally started to make sense! Asexuality is not so much a label or a stereotype I feel akin to or need to follow, but rather it has become an explanation for all the things that used to drive me crazy about allosexuals. It's almost like an inside joke that no one but myself is privy to, but in this sexual society it's constantly there. If I could redo that circle of personality, asexuality would replace heterosexuality and be afforded a much bigger wedge. Not the biggest of course, not by far, but a sizable chunk nonetheless.

This kinda sums up how I feel about it. It's exactly because sex doesn't matter to me, and isn't a part of my personality the way that it seems to be for sexuals is exactly way it's become an important part of my identity. The aspects of your personality that just are, even though you don't think about them consciously are at least as important if not more so than the ones that you do think about.

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My sexuality is just my sexuality, so it doesn't make up much of me. I try to explain asexuality to others when they ask, but otherwise, I keep it out of any conversation. I prefer to be myself and just go as I am, instead of being vocal or upfront about my sexuality without asking.

What sie said.

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I like this topic a lot because it differs so much for everyone. For me, I don't define myself by my sexuality -- its just an aspect of myself, not the same as, but similar to how I have brown hair or other characteristics. I like to think of identifying as asexual just as a way to explain how I feel, which, before the introduction of how I was "supposed" to feel about sex, never seemed out of the ordinary. I can't articulate to allosexuals explicitly how I feel much in the same way it is difficult for me to understand how they feel about sex. So I do use the term to describe myself, but its not something that everyone needs to know -- in fact, I often catch myself assuming that people already know it, because its such an integrated part of myself that it seems obvious to me. In fact, other than my two closest friends, everyone I've come out to has been on accident when I make an offhand comment or a joke about sex and myself.

I wonder if this is because, since I'm not interested in sex, I feel that sexuality is thus less important? Maybe sexuals think that their sexuality is more important because it is a broad facet of the way they interact with others and form relationships? It's probably different for everyone, but it would be cool to do a survey or something and see what was most common.

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I think your sexuality is a big part of you. That's probably going to be the minority in terms of opinions on this post, but it's how I feel. Whether you're gay or straight or asexual or whatever is a large chunk of how you'll live your life. It determines what kind of people you'll love (if any people at all). To some people, who you end up spending the rest of your life with is their entire world. I don't think your sexuality even comes close to defining all of you or even most of you, but I think it's not just irrelevant or unimportant.

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I dont think its a big bit of my identity. Its part of who I am but I dont see it as a big deal. Other thing do take a big part of my identity, my career as a chef, my passion for music, my slight hipsterness.

However, contradicting myself.

When it comes to hanging out with guys, for example with my fellow chefs at work, I find it does clearly make a difference to my behavior and things I say. I will never bring up a ladies hotness for example, or revolve a night out around women. One of my colleagues saw a female punk band and his one comment was based on their nice looks. And of course my jokes are never sexual. So I suppose it does make an impact.

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That asexual guy

I think your sexuality is a big part of you. That's probably going to be the minority in terms of opinions on this post, but it's how I feel. Whether you're gay or straight or asexual or whatever is a large chunk of how you'll live your life. It determines what kind of people you'll love (if any people at all). To some people, who you end up spending the rest of your life with is their entire world. I don't think your sexuality even comes close to defining all of you or even most of you, but I think it's not just irrelevant or unimportant.

I agree. I can't help but think it subconsciously influences many things about my life. A big example is if I was sexually attracted to people I wouldn't choose to be single. Peoples relationships make up a large part of their life.

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I think your sexuality is a big part of you. That's probably going to be the minority in terms of opinions on this post, but it's how I feel. Whether you're gay or straight or asexual or whatever is a large chunk of how you'll live your life. It determines what kind of people you'll love (if any people at all). To some people, who you end up spending the rest of your life with is their entire world. I don't think your sexuality even comes close to defining all of you or even most of you, but I think it's not just irrelevant or unimportant.

I agree. I can't help but think it subconsciously influences many things about my life. A big example is if I was sexually attracted to people I wouldn't choose to be single. Peoples relationships make up a large part of their life.

Good point.

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I think your sexuality is a big part of you. That's probably going to be the minority in terms of opinions on this post, but it's how I feel. Whether you're gay or straight or asexual or whatever is a large chunk of how you'll live your life. It determines what kind of people you'll love (if any people at all). To some people, who you end up spending the rest of your life with is their entire world. I don't think your sexuality even comes close to defining all of you or even most of you, but I think it's not just irrelevant or unimportant.

Sure, but how much of when you are NOT something do you choose to identify with?

- Say a person is not athletic, say they aren't particularly tall or strong for a particular sport. Being a pro-athlete will probably not be part of their identity, but being "not a pro-athelete" probably won't be much of their identity either.

- Say that same person is not an artist. They have no interest in drawing. Being an artist will not be part of their identity, but being "not an artist" probably won't be much of their identity either.

For most things, people don't focus on their "nots." A person would introduce themselves by saying "I'm a 20-year-old female artist and mother." But they probably wouldn't say, "I'm not an 80-year-old, not a man, not a mother, not an athlete."

For me, asexual is just saying I'm not-sexual. If I'm not interested in sex and don't want that to be part of my life, I don't see why it should be an important part of my identity. Unless there's a real need for it, I don't think I would tell someone I'm asexual. Why not? Because I want people focusing on what I AM, not what I'm not. I don't want people to be thinking about how I'm not having sex (which is exactly what happens whenever you tell someone you are or are not something. You are bringing attention to it either way. It's psychological.). Basically, I would want people focusing on the part of my that I do value as part of my identity: my intelligence, my talents, my creativity, etc.

The only reason asexuality is any part of my identity is because society has put a lot of focus on sex and relationships. On a personal level, the label has helped me understand myself. Outside of that, it's not important to me.

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Well, the sexuality of sexuals make up a large portion of their life, so reasonably being an asexual does the same.

I mean, just because we lack sexual attraction does not mean that our lack of sexual attraction does not affect us.

I feel like when I've told a sexual I love them, they think I want to have sex with them, which is not the case. So there's a communications gap there as well in our expectations. I mean, they hear "love" and think "sex", I hear "love" and think "hug party".

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That asexual guy

i find it hard to believe someone would be active on a website named asexuality.org that pretty much only discusses asexuality if asexuality was only a very small part of them.

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I wouldn't say that my asexuality/aromanticism plays a very large role at all in my identity. It's part of who I am, but only a little part. I go long stretches of time without even really giving it much thought (because how much time can you spending thinking about...nothing? Non-attraction?)

However - it has certainly played a large role in the way I live. I live alone, I want to have a child but would be a single mother if able to conceive - both of these things are different from the lifestyle I was raised to aspire to. I think my romantic/sexual orientations clearly define my lifestyle.

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I don't really identify as asexual. Of all the terms I've heard so far, "asexual" probably describes me most accurately, so if I was made to choose one "sexuality" in some hypothetical situation, I'd probably choose it, but if I was to make a list of "identities" I have (like vegetarian, Finnish-speaking, etc.), I'm not sure if I would even consider asexual to be one of them.

I think your sexuality is a big part of you. That's probably going to be the minority in terms of opinions on this post, but it's how I feel. Whether you're gay or straight or asexual or whatever is a large chunk of how you'll live your life. It determines what kind of people you'll love (if any people at all). To some people, who you end up spending the rest of your life with is their entire world. I don't think your sexuality even comes close to defining all of you or even most of you, but I think it's not just irrelevant or unimportant.

It may be a big part of everyone, but the topic was about how much our identities are tied up in asexuality. Sure, if I was sexually attracted to people, my life would probably be different in many ways. Then again having (had) anxiety issues and having a hard time trusting people at all, I think I might opt out of dating and such even if I was sexual. My asexuality isn't the thing that has caused my poor social skills, and I'm pretty sure that those affect my relationships more than my asexuality, and probably they would be equally important in a life where I was sexual.

i find it hard to believe someone would be active on a website named asexuality.org that pretty much only discusses asexuality if asexuality was only a very small part of them.

Except if they were an ally? Or their asexuality was important to them when they found out about it, they registered and they stayed for the cool discussions and all?

I've been active on forums even though their actual topics weren't that important to me. I'm a member on a SF literature forum and practically never read the actual discussions on literature, much less participate. I'm there for general dicsussions. Perhaps that makes me a bad SF nerd. I don't really care.

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i find it hard to believe someone would be active on a website named asexuality.org that pretty much only discusses asexuality if asexuality was only a very small part of them.

I consider my romantic and sexual orientations to be only a small part of who I am because there are a lot of other things that make up my identity. It doesn't mean that my orientation isn't still an important part of who I am. I have told family and friends that I'm aro ace because it's something I want them to know, but I don't want it to be the only thing they think about when they think about me.

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Jaded Princess

Not at all, but it does explain some of my world views

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Princess_Rhaella_Stark

Personally I kinda drift towards aro-ace (No crushes, no desire to date and indifferent to sex) but I have to say that my asexuality feels at times like either a very minor or major component to my overall identity; if someone asked me to describe myself I would say I'm an young Irish woman studying Arts at college, that I'm atheist, democrat, feminist, animal-lover, chess player, book aficionado, day-dreamer, (amateur) historian and archaeologist, a good listener and a fairly keen cyclist (very recently).

it may be that I'm still in the closet regarding my asexuality and haven't truly told anyone else but even then it mostly feels sort of ... secondary to me? Like its there but its influence is regulated to the background at best. it doesn't cause me worry or grief for the most part and usually I'm grand with it. i can forget about it for awhile and focus on other pursuits.

There are times, however, when I cant help but be aware of how much my asexuality has skewered my perceptions and opinions on certain things and how its helped to shape my world view. its sort of like a hybrid effect; the majority of the time my asexuality has no discernable impact on me or my identity then at other times I'm forced to confront how greatly it has moulded my current worldly outlook.

so yeah I kinda fall into either camp in regards to identity & asexuality :/

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