Agape Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 I wonder about this. While I'd generally say that it seems to occupy a small part of my identity, I wonder how different a hypothetical alternate universe version of me who was sexual would be. It's possible that something I perceive as an absence has had a larger impact that I can't see given my perspective. That's really the conundrum, isn't it? I mean, I like to think that my asexuality doesn't really play into my identity, but how much different would my experiences growing up have been if I had developed a traditional sexual desire? I've got to think it would have made me a different person. In that way, I guess it probably does play deeply into my identity, it's just not something that generally informs my decisions... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
unluckybagel Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 It partially shapes the rest of my identity; not having to put time into a relationship allows me to put effort into things I actually enjoy. I have different relationships with my friends than I would if I were sexual (even though I haven't come out yet), and it has an effect on my opinion of other people. My asexuality doesn't define every single part of who I am, but it is significant. It helped me understand some of my 'odd' behaviors that people have pointed out to me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Eva Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 To other people, my celibacy/purity/frigidity defines me. It's the thing about me that they talk about more than anything else. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
therobin1 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Sexuality isn't a big deal for me, either. I think that it's important in the way that we understand ourselves, but to be honest I think that if sexuality were kept under more wraps, it wouldn't have dawned on me at all. :3 I guess it's common sense to that that it is hard to notice the absence of sexual attraction, and easy to notice if you're actually experiencing sexual attraction. It's strange to think, but how much would I have changed if I actually did experience attraction? Growing up, I remember my parents always commenting on my "level head," since I wasn't chasing boys like my cousins. Little did they know it was more a "complete disinterest" :P Quote Link to post Share on other sites
butterflydreams Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I think this is a good question, and I think the reason you see so many questions like that, and why it seems like more identity is tied up is because you're on this forum. Which is fine, and to be expected. As for me, I'm an adult, independent, living on my own, so day to day, it's not that big of a factor. The way I'd describe it is that it's not important to my identity right up until it is. I'm not "out" to people because it's not necessary. I might feel that it becomes necessary if some person is pushing me into a corner, and I feel like I need to push back. That happens sometimes. People get asky about relationships, sex, etc. Before I knew about asexuality, I'd get backed into that corner and get really upset, because I felt helpless. Now I have something to stand on, and that's the extent that my identity is tied up. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Autumn Sunrise Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Personally, I suppose being clear about my orientation (which isn't really new) and being able to express it (which is), has helped to clarify that part of me, but probably I came to it so late that it isn't really defining. At my age there's no pressure on being 'normal', and I get the impression that many of the posts the OP mentions are from quite young members. Perhaps for them, a way to ground their feelings as a buttress against peer pressure to behave sexually is important... I also came late to a realisation of asexuality, and a lot of what you say, RoninA, resonates with me. I think I've always tended to treat men as friends rather than potential sexual partners - I just didn't realise why until quite recently. For me, the main importance of realising that I am most likely asexual is that it helps me better to understand and accept myself, and to come to terms with certain parts of my past. I agree with what you say about younger AVEN members - I think it's a lot harder for many of them, and I am glad that AVEN is here to provide support and a sense of community and normalcy. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
sasai Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Agape, on 24 Feb 2015 - 05:01 AM, said: "consumer of ungodly quantities of tea" A comrade?! Jokes aside, it might depend on what you define as something being tied to your identity. For the sake of convinience, let's divide it into active and passive identification. Active is when you're consciously identifying with your aceness such as in social situations where you could talk about asexuality or actively filter interaction through "ace-coloured lenses" for the lack of better words. It is when you are aware of a difference between your ace and other's allo. Passive identification will then be when your actions are subconciously guided by your aceness. This probably varies a lot from person to person and wherever they are on the spectrum, but a generic example could be how sexual cues seems to fly over many a ace head. By this definition, I don't actively identify with asexuality much. I sort of default everything as ace so I'm only confronted with non-ace when it comes up in conversations. It's sort of shocking really, I probably should get used to it. When it comes to passive identification then yes, definitely a big part of my identity. Most dirty jokes fly over my head. Sexual cues and flirting is completely off the radar. When people complain about their sex lives I might accidentally stare at them as if they've grown a second head. Being fairly sex repulsed means that I don't take part of what's very central to many people's lives. Even if that's normal for me, it may seem strange to them and that does limit interactions a bit. It's no big deal really, not unless someone else cause a fuss about it, but it's noticable. TL;dr: People notice when something stands out. I only feel like I stand out in comparison to others, so identifying with asexuality only ever happens in relation to someone who's not ace. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
That asexual guy Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I don't know. I think aromantic describes my actual personality more than asexual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
girltwink666 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 its rly high for me.... as well as bein part of the queer community. its all a really fundamental bit of my identity probably more the aspect of identifying with the communities. but i feel like that one minority person whos like "yes i am ____ but i also enjoy [insert stereotypical coolkid stuff" to avert like being the token whatever. same w/ being pakistani american. both that and being asexual im afraid become like stereotypes for me. "engineer", "outdoorsman", "libertarian" and "consumer of ungodly quantities of tea" r u ron swanson Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Waist of Thyme Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Not much. I used to be somewhat interested in it, but now I never even think about it. I prefer to define myself by my personality. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FabulFuz Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 As a romantic-type asexual, and as an existential sort of person, it plays a significant part in my identity, because I am always wanting to make deep/long-lasting connections with others, and I am always blatantly-aware that most people place more importance on sexual relationships than on non-sexual relationships. I'm always sitting on the edge between "anti-social hermit" and "flower child", because of my repulsed nature. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Foreign Atonement Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 As a romantic-type asexual, and as an existential sort of person, it plays a significant part in my identity, because I am always wanting to make deep/long-lasting connections with others, and I am always blatantly-aware that most people place more importance on sexual relationships than on non-sexual relationships. I'm always sitting on the edge between "anti-social hermit" and "flower child", because of my repulsed nature. Hmm.. I'm like that as well (romantic and existential), but I fell on the other side of the divide. It's probably because of how I function socially- I can pretty much blend in anywhere, then pop out with a funny comment or insight before retreating again. It makes other people focus on what I say instead of who I am, which pretty well internalizes my ace-ness. Then again, I think I'm one of those types that gives off an aura of disinterest, considering I've had no one declare interest despite knowing of a few different people with crushes on me. That kinda went on a tangent. Basically, since my aceness never has an opportunity to rise to the forefront, it doesn't form much of my identity. This even transfers to times when I'm alone, but I'm not really sure of the cause there. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lyodor Tolstoyevski Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 So here's an analogy I came up with: let's say you're in a restaurant and the waiter comes by, and you tell him "make sure there aren't any carrots, I can't eat carrots," he might look at you and say "don't be ridiculous, here, have this carrot." But if you tell that same waiter "I'm allergic to carrots," you haven't actually given the waiter any new information. They don't know what "allergic" actually means on a biological level. But it gives the claim added legitimacy, so he will make damn sure there are no carrots. And I think the term "asexual" fits a similar role. If you feel like your life is so far from the norm that describing it requires some explanation, it's important to have that piece of vocabulary as a defense. One word that can potentially shut down a conversation on its own. "Are you teling me that you're still a virgin?" "Well, I'm asexual." That's it. It isn't really *more* information than "I don't like sex," but it sounds like a stronger argument. And I think that can be important for us to have. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FabulFuz Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 As a romantic-type asexual, and as an existential sort of person, it plays a significant part in my identity, because I am always wanting to make deep/long-lasting connections with others, and I am always blatantly-aware that most people place more importance on sexual relationships than on non-sexual relationships. I'm always sitting on the edge between "anti-social hermit" and "flower child", because of my repulsed nature. Hmm.. I'm like that as well (romantic and existential), but I fell on the other side of the divide. It's probably because of how I function socially- I can pretty much blend in anywhere, then pop out with a funny comment or insight before retreating again. It makes other people focus on what I say instead of who I am, which pretty well internalizes my ace-ness. Then again, I think I'm one of those types that gives off an aura of disinterest, considering I've had no one declare interest despite knowing of a few different people with crushes on me. That kinda went on a tangent. Basically, since my aceness never has an opportunity to rise to the forefront, it doesn't form much of my identity. This even transfers to times when I'm alone, but I'm not really sure of the cause there. I also blend in well, and I make friends easily. I can navigate sexual innuendos just fine. My orientation usually doesn't come up in conversation because people just assume I'm either straight-but-weird or a butch lesbian. (short-hairstyle stereotype, and I'm very androgynous) Being asexual makes up a decent-sized chunk of my identity because it's something that affects how I interact with and relate to other people. People don't have to know I'm asexual for my asexuality to be at the forefront of my mind. People hit on me/flirt with me on a regular basis, and because I'm repulsed but romantic, my response is either one of anxiety ("eek sexual stuff no get it away") or one of depression ("wow your really cute/funny/sweet and I'd love to date you but I can't give you what you need") As an existential person it affects me because I'm also hyper-aware of the transient/impermanent nature of life and how people continually show up and then leave without a trace. I have a futile desire to find even one person who won't disappear or abandon me, and generally/socially-speaking the only people who don't leave are family members and significant others. I don't have much of a family and finding a significant other is difficult because the majority of people expect sex in a romantic relationship. (I honestly think I need a platonic soulmate or a romantic friendship, but that's tricky too) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tazoz Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I only recently came to terms with my sexuality but it is definitely an important part of my identity and before accepting it I felt as if something was missing. Sexuality is such a huge part of society and identifying myself as asexual helps me understand the world around me and relate to it better. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Psychdude Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 The fact that I am an LGBT activist means that being gay plays an important role in my life.Does it really shape my identity?I dont know.I think it does to an extend but I am not sure where one draws the line.I feel its important to fight about equality and civil rights and I am very invested to it so maybe that also plays into it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TeddyMiller Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 It's a significant component of my identity, but not necessarily more than being an anime fan or liking to travel. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TooOldForThis Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 It's not really a big part of my identity, no. I do some asexual awareness activism, but I also do many other sorts if activism (mostly for communities I don't belong to - gay, non-binary, etc.) so I don't think that necessarily relates to my being asexual at all. That said, I can imagine that my asexuality has had quite a bit of impact on my life; for example if I were sexual, then the three-year-long romantic relationship which covered much of my time at college might have been sexual as well, which might or might not have changed things, or for that matter I might not have gotten into that relationship at all. Or maybe I would view people differently if I were sexually attracted to them. I don't really know. Of course, there are many factors in my life which have large impacts on what I do and what happens to me, so asexuality is hardly notable in that regard. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
spicychickensandwich Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 None - which is why I discovered I was asexual. Sexuals have it on their mind far more often than I do. Just the fact that I don't think anything about sexuality was a warning flag for me that I was different. Now that I've (sort of) embraced that I'm different, it may become a bigger part of my identity. That said, I can imagine that my asexuality has had quite a bit of impact on my life; for example if I were sexual, then the three-year-long romantic relationship which covered much of my time at college might have been sexual as well, which might or might not have changed things, or for that matter I might not have gotten into that relationship at all. Or maybe I would view people differently if I were sexually attracted to them. I don't really know. Of course, there are many factors in my life which have large impacts on what I do and what happens to me, so asexuality is hardly notable in that regard. Wow, that perfectly describes what happened to me. I have the same thoughts about it as you :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Zaphikiel Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 You know, for me it hasn't been so much that my identity is based on it, but it's slowly becoming the lense through which I see the world. I think that at first when you realize it and accept it within yourself that you're not heternormative or sexualnormative, it's pretty much a huge thing on your mind most of the time. Now it's just like, I understand myself better having accepted it, and it's a part of my identity in that it's how I interact with the world and other people in it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FraGoLaris Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 to me it's more a fasination with what's different in me but not really what defines my identity. I am a verry weird person so even if I was sexual I think my weirdness would be the defining factor of my identity. I have gone to many years recreating my personallity to say that I know anymore what my identity is tho so maybe just maybe I wouldent have done that if I was sexual. ergo I dont know if it has defined me by lack of this elemental emotion. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Amedot Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Well... it's apart of who i am, it's apart of my identity. Coming out doesn't have to be a big deal, but it can still be important. I was terrified when I told my best friend I was asexual, and she just laughed and said, "Salogma, I know. Everyone knows. It's so obvious. I love you." and we continued watching music videos and dancing along. Of course, she was someone who educated herself at a young age what asexuality was, at least, the basic definition (not experiencing sexual attraction), and seemed to understand sexuality as a spectrum. So when I came out to her, this wasn't something freaky or something to be explained; she understood what I meant, and it made sense to her, and she felt she knew all along. Being asexual has affected me my entire life, and still does to this day. I face homophobia and acephobia on a daily basis, even if it's mostly micro-aggressions (but it's been worse than that, of course). It's apart of me the same way my mental illnesses are apart of me, the way my scars are apart of me, the way my gender is apart of me... but it's not the only thing about me. I'm also an animal lover, and a pet mother. I have two amazing rescue cats curled up beside me as I type this, and I'm a reptile keeper; I have four beautiful scalebabies in the next room. I work with animals, and have volunteered with animals almost my entire life. I am a good friend, and a good sister, daughter, and cousin. I love to read and watch cartoons. I love to make tasty food and eat it. I love coffee. I have grit, but I also have talent. All these things are who I am, too. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Verb Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Very little, if at all. Whilst I do define certain parts of my identity from my interactions with other people, relationships are just not really something that define me. I don't derive much of my identity from whether or not I'm pair-bonded. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysBeKorra Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 So the question is, how much of your identity is tied to your sexuality? Well, until I learned about it about a month ago, none ;) But right now, having found out, I think a lot about it. If you ask me in a year or two, I will still be the exact same person as I have always been when it comes to my sexuality. I will think a lot less about it, though. Labels are always annoying: Sometimes they're great to help you understand yourself, sometimes they're just way too... labelling ;) Of course, my identity haven't changed one bit after I attached this label to myself, but now I can at least use it to help me understand myself, and to make others understand me better. I think it will always be in the back of my head, but there're many other labels I primarily use to identify myself with that I think have much more to say about who I am than asexuality. If the situation calls for me to bring up my asexuality I will, but it has always been fairly easy for me to blend in with the sexuals (finding sexual jokes funny, giving sexual advice, recognizing an objectively "hot" guy etc.). I think it will be much harder for me when my friends start having kids, that's when I really think I will stick out. That has nothing to do with asexuality, though, that is simply a choice. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Colorful6String Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 For me it's a really big part of my identitiy... Probably because I'm still really young (17), and this is one of the only things I really know about myself and accept/am proud of about myself. Maybe it'll become less of my identity as I get older, but right now it's one of the only things I can see about about myself that makes up who I am Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rising Sun Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 My demisexuality doesn't define me. I want to be free to define my sexual orientation rather than the contrary, I don't want my sexual orientation nor any label to control me. I don't want to be prisoner of a label. I actually consider my lifestyle and my most important choices to define me much more than anything else. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xeres Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 None, really. To be honest, I never even thought about my sexuality (or lack thereof) till a few years ago. I always thought that it is something for when I'm older, I thought I'm just a late bloomer. Then, all my friends had relationships and I wondered how I was different. that confusion was a large part of my identity because I was confused about how and what I am! That was frustrating and influenced me a lot. Now that I am sure of my asexuality, I simply don't care anymore. I know I don't care for sex, end of story. I have many friends that are gay, pan, bi, or other and I just don't care. Not that I don't care for them (of course I do), but their sexual orientation just doesn't matter to me at all, and really, why should it? I always think that people make way too much fuss about sexuality. I am much more interested in what their hobbies are, their tastes in music and literature and so on and those things are also how I identify myself. What do I care for, what do I have an interest in, what am I willing to stand up for/fight for and so on. My sexual orientation does not change my character at all I think. But I fear that people will think different about that. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
an18059 Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 I see it as quite important, but that's probably just because sexuality is such a huge part of our culture as humans that it's kind of hard to ignore. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Oxide Egg Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 when a friend of mine came out to me as gay, and my reaction was "Um... Okay?", he really seemed dissapointed I didn't have more of a reaction. So the question is, how much of your identity is tied to your sexuality? Curious to hear from the sexuals prowling this forum too... Personally "came out" identifying as a gay male in middle school. The first time telling anyone is terrifying, but at the same time such a relief that turns into a high. Diminishing return kicks in and eventually the more you tell, the less of an event it turns into. At one point "I'm gay" just becomes another sentence that comes out of your mouth like "oh yeah, I like doughnuts." Your friend could have been in the early stage where it was a huge deal and he craved your enthusiasm and support. On topic, little to none. It meant more to learn and accept the label myself, vs making it known to everyone and their mother that I now associate with it. Unless it is brought up I don't see a reason to. Would be more excited and inclined to tell someone I'm into art. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Autumn Season Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 I feel like "ace" describes me very well. Even before I knew what that term meant I was myself, but now I know that there is a word for people like me and... I guess it made me richer by finding this awesome community of wonderful people. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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