Jump to content

How much of your identity is tied up in your (A)sexuality?


Recommended Posts

I guess the question arises because I've been seeing an awful lot of "How should I come out?", "Am I still asexual if I do X?", "How repulsed are you by Y?" etc. etc. etc.

Perfectly valid questions, all of them, and of course to be expected on a forum about any alternative sexuality, just ones that would never occur to me. Looking over the forum, I'm inclined to think that some people on here tend to define themselves by their sexuality a lot more than I do. This is something I've seen in person too, when a friend of mine came out to me as gay, and my reaction was "Um... Okay?", he really seemed dissapointed I didn't have more of a reaction. Sexuality is just such a small part of my worldview that it's not something I generally think of. I mean, if someone were looking for descriptors to get across my motivations and worldview: "engineer", "outdoorsman", "libertarian" and "consumer of ungodly quantities of tea" would all come to my head WAY before "asexual".

So the question is, how much of your identity is tied to your sexuality? Curious to hear from the sexuals prowling this forum too...

Apologies for the poorly articulated question...

Link to post
Share on other sites

None, really. Asexuality was a self-categorization as far as orientation, but it has no bearing on who I am to myself.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd say my orientation is pretty tied to my identity (even if I am closeted) but the label doesn't mean much to me personally (I mean I guess that's fairly obvious, I don't really even have a clear label for my sexual orientation). After all a label is just a word to describe how one feels about something and if I can't find one that's accurate I'm not going to use one. I'd say it plays a role in how I see things but I'm certainly not....attached to an 'orientation label'.

Honestly I just don't care that much, to stressful to worry about it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's become one of many contributions to my sense of self, which I consider incredibly important. The more I understand myself, the happier I've become in life. So, while the label itself isn't so important to my identity, the understanding that has come ever since I learned about the label has become absolutely essential to my sense of identity.

Link to post
Share on other sites

normally not much, but sense i am rather new to AVEN i have spent a lot more time thinking about it than i normally do.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It honestly depends on my environment. If sexual stuff doesn't come up and I'm just living life, it's not important at all. Once people around me start talking about sex and such my asexuality comes to the forefront. It's kind of like being an American is not such a big part of my identity when I'm in America, but when I was in Japan it became a bigger part of who I am. There isn't much context for my sexuality to be important, but when it comes up my asexuality is flaming :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess a significant part of it. Not the label "asexual" itself, but rather how I view sex and sexuality because of it. Because I'm asexual, I have a radically different worldview than most of my peers, and I think the things that make me different and unique from others are important parts of my identity. So if I come out to someone, for example, it's not just me admitting something about my orientation, it's me trying to explain and illustrate how I see things. The same way that my nationality colours my opinions, my asexuality will too.

But it's a little weird. I have some ace friends who are very vocal about their orientation, and often include me loudly in it (such as proclaiming "Hey! We're all Aces sitting in a row!"), and that makes me uncomfortable for some reason. I guess it's part of my identity when I choose it, not when it's forced upon me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My sexuality is just my sexuality, so it doesn't make up much of me. I try to explain asexuality to others when they ask, but otherwise, I keep it out of any conversation. I prefer to be myself and just go as I am, instead of being vocal or upfront about my sexuality without asking.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I wonder about this. While I'd generally say that it seems to occupy a small part of my identity, I wonder how different a hypothetical alternate universe version of me who was sexual would be. It's possible that something I perceive as an absence has had a larger impact that I can't see given my perspective.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I Shot the Serif

It used to be a larger part for me. For my friend, it is a large part right now: she felt like she didn't belong until she decided that she was a biromantic asexual.

With the help of my boyfriend, I am learning to not obsess over it, or see it as important at all. I would even go so far as to say that it is unhealthy to think of your sexual orientation as an important defining characteristic of who you are.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's become one of many contributions to my sense of self, which I consider incredibly important. The more I understand myself, the happier I've become in life. So, while the label itself isn't so important to my identity, the understanding that has come ever since I learned about the label has become absolutely essential to my sense of identity.

^Yes! I can really relate to this. : )

I am more than just an asexual...there is so much to me that is more important to my identity than my asexuality, but the discovery of it has changed my thinking about myself and past experiences...things that confused me and made me feel out of place. I'm not "out" about my asexuality to 95% of the people I know lol, but the understanding of it has made a big difference to myself!

Link to post
Share on other sites
It's become one of many contributions to my sense of self, which I consider incredibly important. The more I understand myself, the happier I've become in life. So, while the label itself isn't so important to my identity, the understanding that has come ever since I learned about the label has become absolutely essential to my sense of identity.

^This. I don't revel in my asexuality, but it has played a central part in my life by allowing me to take advantage of opportunities that would have been difficult to pursue if I was living a heteronormative life (which I don't disparage in the slightest)- like overseas job assignments, emergency trips to help family or friends in need, joining investigations of natural disasters on short notice. It's not something I think about every day, but the influence it has had is hard to miss.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Normally it isn't tied to my identity at all. But pretty often, when sex is flooding from doors and windows whether it be media or people around me, I can't help but feel it'd define me. Although I think sex is waste of time and somewhat silly, I still haven't said that to sexual people or tried to make them live like I do. That's why it feels so topsy-turvy when people go all "sex yay!" and I'm just staying quiet, and then people start to wonder why and then eventually comes all the "you just haven't met the right person yet" and "you don't need to be asexual to not to be interested in sex." etc. all that.

I'm somewhat tired of having to defend my right to be, although I don't cause any harm to others.

Link to post
Share on other sites
EquationWorthSolving

As some people have said, finding out I was asexual has become a major turning point in my life and that definitely makes it quite an important part of my identity, as well as the ability to explore myself as a person. I was having issues with self-acceptance until I found out about asexuality, and so now it is tied to my identity - simply because it gave me a pathway towards self-acceptance.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I tend to talk about and relate to my asexuality a lot, even when it's not completely related, so you can say my identity is very "tied up" with my sexuality. However, the main reason I do that is because I want everyone to know I'm not interested so they can stop bugging me about it. When you're with people who talk about sexuality 95% of the time they don't discuss classes, and when 90% of the guys with whom I spoke on none-homework related topics tried to hit on me, it's hard for my complete lack of interest not to become an issue. It's basically the barrier through which I interact with the world, not because I find it so very important, but because everyone else communicates sexually and make it important.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think it possible for anyone to truly understand me unless they understand that I am asexual, so in that sense yes, my indentify is intricately tied in to my asexuality.

Put another way, I always felt misunderstood before I identified as asexual, but I wasn't able to help anyone understand me until I identified as asexual.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think it possible for anyone to truly understand me unless they understand that I am asexual, so in that sense yes, my indentify is intricately tied in to my asexuality.

Put another way, I always felt misunderstood before I identified as asexual, but I wasn't able to help anyone understand me until I identified as asexual.

^ I feel the same way. My asexuality for me explains why I'm interested or disinterested in certain things. Once I came to terms with it, it really helped me to focus on the things I truly enjoy to do without the distraction of things I THOUGHT I had to enjoy. So yeah, it's become a big part of who I am.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you're bound to see a lot of Asexuality related questions on AVEN - that's what it's for! Here the thing we have in common is our asexuality and it's a place to discuss that.

Offline, I never discuss it. People are aware that I'm celibate, but I don't usually come out as "asexual" - I'd rather not go into the details with people who don't know much about it. My asexuality and aromanticism is a part of my identity in the sense that it has a quite significant impact on how I build relationships with others. But I wouldn't say it's a huge part of my identity, or something that I'm necessarily proud of. I don't actually feel strongly about asexual "visibility" or long for there to be a larger asexual community offline.

Link to post
Share on other sites

For me it isn't tied to my identity that much. Since I have never been interested in a relationship, I have made my life about other things, like running and what I am studying in school. It is sort of connected to my identity since it caused me to look elsewhere for ways to connect to others and find enjoyment in life.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It really doesn't define my identity. It tends to take a back burner in my everyday life only to come forward when someone talks or asks me about asexuality, sex is mentioned, or if I was in a relationship where my partner wanted to take things a step forward. None of those are common and the last one even less so since I don't really date. So I'm just Asexy when it's relevant. The only reason I wear a black ring is to make friends with others who may know what it means outside of AVEN. Knowing and understanding where I stand does make me happier though.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Asexuality is a huge part of my identity because a lot of who I am and how I think is related to it. It's also something I'm really passionate about, in terms of spreading awareness and helping people and sharing my experiences. It's really a huge part of who I am, but I understand why that might not be the case for some others.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My asexuality is a strong definition for myself, but not something I feel the need to tell others, every time I have tried to express my sexuality I've been either humiliated or misunderstood. Hanging out with other asexuals, however, is like a battery recharge, and makes me feel more normal knowing that there's a group of easy to talk to individuals out there not looking to enforce pressure or dominate a situation in order to get my, or someone else's attention.

Knowing I'm asexual has helped me to understand why I do certain things, why 'normal' situations and activities make me feel uncomfortable and why, for a very long time, I had a touch aversion, in recent years I've managed to rectify the mistakes of my upbringing, in the religion I was taught, the way people act around one another and the issues of sex in daily conversation. I can go to my asexual place and see that while others are sexual I need not be, and that while they can misunderstand the things I say as sexual that is their issue, not mine.

However, life isn't perfect, and some days my asexuality is pushed to extreme levels. Only a few months ago, for example, I had an amazingly uncomfortable situation in which a woman winked at me, causing some shock and repulsion which took a while to get over.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Like a lot of people have said, being ace is not a big part of my personality either. On the other hand, it explains things about me very well. I spent such a long time wondering why I wasn't falling in love or wanting sex, and realizing I'm asexual has let me stop worrying about that. So it's been extremely freeing, I don't have to worry about trying to force myself to date or to try sex with someone. It's nice to have a community of people who have gone through the same things I have.

Coming out is still something I think of, if only to stop my male friends from asking me on a date or end the "why don't you find a nice man"-type questions. But it's not something I want to have define my personality (if such a thing even is possible).

Link to post
Share on other sites

Personally, I suppose being clear about my orientation (which isn't really new) and being able to express it (which is), has helped to clarify that part of me, but probably I came to it so late that it isn't really defining. At my age there's no pressure on being 'normal', and I get the impression that many of the posts the OP mentions are from quite young members. Perhaps for them, a way to ground their feelings as a buttress against peer pressure to behave sexually is important...

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am the same , when people talk or act on their sexuality to me it seems normal and great for them but no big deal to me. people are often speculating and often need one or the other to accept you . If you tell them something unusual they think somethings wrong with you. I find its best to think its their problem and is born of ignorance and misunderstanding.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I find the fact that I could - if required to - label that aspect of me very liberating.

On the other hand the label does not affect my life choices. The fact that I don't spend time on sexual things - or on trying to find a life partner - does impact hugely on who I am. But Asexuality only consciously becomes part of my sense of self when I feel a difference between myself and those around me, or when I feel alone. I usually now only feel that sense of difference when meeting new people, and that can make me anxious - especially if I don't know how they might take asexuality as an explanation from me.

This is, however, something that is becoming less of a factor because I'm becoming more aware that on the most part my sense of difference is only perceived by me and no one else could give a flying fig.

Link to post
Share on other sites

In the bigger picture I can see, that belonging in the asexual spectrum does have an impact on my behaviour.

I tend to avoid settings with sexualised themes, i.e. I really do not see a point in spending my money on expensive booze at the "meet market" downtown late at night.

And selling me something with the argument "sexy" (clothes, purses, etc) is pretty much waste of energy ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's hard for me to think of a way my sexuality defines me at all. It would be like defining myself by the fact that I like tomato sauce. Like, sure, if I didn't get to eat tomato sauce anymore I'd be a sad panda indeed, but on the other hand if I stopped liking tomato sauce I don't think it would change who I am at all.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd say probably a very small part of it. It's hard for me to say that my identity is largely defined by something that isn't there. I have many interests, beliefs, characteristics, talents, etc. that are not related to asexuality at all.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Realising I was asexual helped me in a lot of ways, and I'm absolutely glad I did because it removed about 70% of my insecurities, but apart from that I don't feel as though the entire thing is that important to me. I feel it a lot more, as I think other people here have said, when I'm with a group that's made up of allosexuals exclusively - especially since a large part of my social circle is very interested in sex and it gets brought up a lot. Although, I'm not really uncomfortable with sex or masturbation or anything like that, so talking about those things is fine for the most part - I don't enjoy it when people talk about it in too much detail, or have long conversations about 'hot' people (the word has no meaning to me in that context) or their raunchy escapades because I have next to nothing to contribute, and just feel excluded. But when I meet new people and so forth I don't bring my asexuality up because it's so far from the most important thing about me and doesn't have a huge (practical) impact on my life. I don't think it would really say anything about me, apart from the fact that I don't want to bang anyone.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...