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Just need someone to understand..


Kurgarra

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So I'm 38, married for going on 16 years. I've suspected for a while that I might be asexual, but have tried therapy to help me "get over it" anyway. This is not working. My husband is more resentful and spiteful than ever, withholding even the simplest affection.

It's really difficult, he works a crazy shift and is a member of a half-dozen lodges, so his free time is spent mostly sleeping.

I wish I could properly explain it to him. I don't think about sex. It just doesn't occur to me. It has nothing to do with loving or not loving him, but he certainly thinks it is. "But I'm your *husband*!!"

I would like to be interested, believe me. The only thing I've found that throws that switch and wakes up my parts, unfortunately, is when I smoke pot. Which then feels like a crutch. "You can't even make love unless you're stoned!"

So I haven't had any in a long time, which means he hasn't, either. If he asks me to have sex, I will, but he has stopped asking.

I'm just super frustrated. I don't think about sex in *that* way, but I've been forced to dwell on it for the sake of my marriage now, and I just feel awful.

Now I'm rambling. I'll stop...

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I'm sorry you're in that situation. It can be hard for allosexuals* to understand what asexuality is, and can easily feel let down. Maybe you could show him materials online which explain things, if you find it difficult to explain your emotions to your husband.
I hope he will eventually understand you.


*Can't remember if that's the right term, allosexual=non-asexual.

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  • 2 weeks later...
indie_lullaby

I understand where you are coming from, while I haven't been with my significant other for as long as you have, I am experiencing the same things. He is taking my lack of sex as something personal, and it has to do with him I wish I could help, but all I can offer is to show you that you are not alone.

Good Luck.

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njosnavelin

I have a hard time understanding the male code: women are their property once marriage. No dude women are autonomous cognitive human beings with thoughts, ambitions, and feelings.

Your, But I’m your husband line made me think of this.

There are several others in the forum here in your same situation realizing they are asexual and in a marriage with a sexual husband. It seems like a hard situation to be in for anyone where the one person who should understand you the most really doesn’t because you are coming to terms who you really are.

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ranting ferret

maybe i overstep my bounds i in saying this, but in terms of considering therapy/counseling, should it come up again, he needs to be part of it as well. sounds like there are some things going on with him that are unnecessary.

you mention how he's become increasingly resentful and even withholding affection. this is not good. this is not a good thing in any type of relationship. it doesn't matter what the sexual make-up of a relationship is, that shouldn't be a thing. certainly not on-going. in terms of sexual activity, even for people who identify as sexual, not getting regular affection or feeling loved, etc can have a huge impact on sexual activity: doing things, wanting, enjoying, any part of it. that stuff is important. if you feel that badly about how your being treated, it's hardly a question. sounds like there's other junk than just sex that may need to be dealt with.

compromises are key. you may have to make some, but so would he (perhaps less time with his lodges/club things?) a compromise involved both parties changing something (or adding or taking away).

i hope you are able to work out things in a way that is best for you and allows you to feel accepted and care about.

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