I want to bang my head against a wall - Why don't I know myself?

[aforestfae]

I am trying to figure out my sexuality/romantic attraction (obviously considering my other posts) but I'm getting frustrated, I can't seem to get a clear answer in my own mind, I don't have any history of romantic or sexual relationships which is obviously making it hard to figure out, I don't really want sex or romance with someone I don't know well enough so I'm getting lost.

Why is it so hard? How can I not know 'what' I am?

I'm so frustrated and no matter how hard I try to figure it out or how hard I try to drop the subject it doesn't happen, it just creeps back in and nags at me, I just want to rip my hair out sometimes.

Anyway I'm sure there are people who can relate

[Sage Raven Domino]

Please don't rip your hair out. Getting to know oneself takes more than the whole life, the subconscious is a very tricky thing.

Self-discovery should treated as an enjoyable process, as if you were getting to know someone who you want to befriend, and yourself are surely the best friend you can get.

Relax and meditate. Don't rush to know the truth about yourself, it will gradually arrive.

Good luck on your self-discovery path!

[LostInSilentHill]

I'm the same so don't worry to much. It's a long process to figure it all out. Write it all down and you'll find out a few things you didn't realize.

[ThePaperRose]

It's really hard to get a clear answer because humans don't fit into nice compartments. Sexuality and romantic orientations are such a gray area and finding the right labels can be difficult. I don't even really have a romantic orientation yet (I use gray-ro for convenience)

Try not to be too frustrated if you don't fit into a nice box because, like all humans, you are extremely complex.

That being said though, don't give up! Eventually you'll find a label that works for you. Best of luck!

[coyote55]

I've said this before, but I sure wish we came with our own owner's manual at birth so we wouldn't have to bash our heads against the wall trying to figure out who we truly are!

I know I'm asexual, but even after several decades I don't entirely understand my own place in the spectrum... for example, there's a small part of me that wonders if I could be gray-a if I truly fell in love with someone. I've learned to accept the uncertainty, and enjoy the fact that self-discovery is a lifelong journey. Embrace it, even if it's frustrating sometimes.

[Fire & Rain]

Just relax. Take a deep breath and have some ice cream. Cuz after a long decade I'm still utterly confused. Maybe we're not supposed to figure it out :P

[Star Bit]

Something just came to mind from your last thread; what if your fictional character attraction is because you get to know them through the material but irl you don't have a close enough relationship to get this info from ppl. So maybe your demiromantic. Whether its ficto or demi, they're both Gray-romantic.

[aforestfae]

Something just came to mind from your last thread; what if your fictional character attraction is because you get to know them through the material but irl you don't have a close enough relationship to get this info from ppl. So maybe your demiromantic. Whether its ficto or demi, they're both Gray-romantic.

Well that's why I initially identified as demi (romantic and sexual) but having no experience with people I can only guess, I felt bad identifying as something without real life evidence if that makes sense.

I just want someone to tell me I fit there and I'm ok identifying that way (which is kind of backward, I know it doesn't work that way) I just don't want to offend by identifying as something I'm actually not.

I'm close to just identifying as ace/demiromantic, but I have no idea if I have experienced sexual attraction (confuses me as to what defines sexual attraction vs hormonal etc.) I also feel like identifying as ace isn't quite right, unless I'm misunderstanding, can you actively want/desire sex with someone and still be ace,an example would be future spouse/lover, not a specific person, so there is no sexual attraction it's just a desire for that situation, if I'm wording that right.

I'm not a people person so getting close to real people is hard, no one interests me enough, I'd rather just be on my own or with a close friend rather than people I don't know well

[aforestfae]

I am finding it hard to understand sexual attraction, desire and arousal
I don't know if I experience sexual attraction to my fictional crush eventually or just the desire being placed on Them
Is there a half way point? Like you are aesthetically pleasing to me if I desired sex I'd be happy if it was with you? (Is that sexual attraction?)

This only ever happens with my fictional loves! Never in real life.

TMI WARNING:

And is sexual arousal caused by imagery classed as sexual attraction or is that different too even if in the moment you'd want to be part of it, but you wouldn't if it was a real situation, more of a desire for pleasure over actually desiring the person?
I'm sorry it probably sounds really stupid but I just don't understand the separation between them and find it hard to understand it for myself
it is safe to say I've never desired sex with a real person though

Edited February 23, 2015 by aforestfae

[bonny]

Is there a half way point? Like you are aesthetically pleasing to me if I desired sex I'd be happy if it was with you? (Is that sexual attraction?)

I think they call that aesthetic attraction, but I still have a lot to learn myself.

[aforestfae]

Is there a half way point? Like you are aesthetically pleasing to me if I desired sex I'd be happy if it was with you? (Is that sexual attraction?)

I think they call that aesthetic attraction, but I still have a lot to learn myself.

hmm it could be, I don't know enough about this.

[aforestfae]

Ok I'm just stripping back everything and really thinking about what I actually feel towards fictional characters and people in real life, please feel free to ignore it it's more just my ramblings and thought decluttering, but if you want to add your two cents please do :)

RL- Never experienced sexual attraction to anyone nor romantic but I can experience aesthetic attraction, without any communication between me and that person it can't develop into anything more (isn't that how attraction is formed?), unless I have only become attracted to them due to a similarity to a fictional crush, but then it's more about my dream guy than the real person (I feel so mean)

Fic- Aesthetic attraction is the initial thing I feel, it can develop years after seeing them first, it's not instant but it can be. I create a fantasy world I fall in 'love' with them, I experience sensual attraction but I don't believe I feel actual sexual attraction to them, but I don't understand it clearly so if someone could clarify if I'm wrong or not that would be a great help.I have sensual attraction to them after a little while and in some cases there seems to be more of a sexual desire kicking in and then the fictional character becomes the one I'd rather do the things with if they were real/the relationship was real (is that sexual attraction or something else?), the idea doesn't repulse me in any way and I actively like the idea even without the sexual desire being there the idea is still appealing.

I have no desire for casual sex or sex early in a relationship, never have never will, I have no desire to get into relationships or date people I don't know like with blind dates , I'd rather get to know them, become friends and if there is still the aesthetic attraction and it's mutual then I'd be happy to date them (isn't that also how it goes?), but I don't experience sexual or romantic attraction, at least not before getting to know someone, then I think I could be romantically interested in someone.

Wow, I learnt more about myself through this :) I think I was focusing too much before on if I fit a label and where I fit, this is just me without labels influencing how I interpret things.

Edited February 24, 2015 by aforestfae