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Realization moment! Do you feel wrong for thinking about others*?


aforestfae

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*In a sexual or romantic way?

I had this big realization moment just a few minutes ago on another thread.

I can fantasize about fictional characters and my sexual/romantic relationship with them, but a real person in place of the fictional character (even the actor playing the character) feels so wrong, like I shouldn't be thinking such thoughts about a real person (I have tried before, there wasn't a true desire for that person, sexual or romantic) it felt almost dirty, like I shouldn't be thinking of the person in such a way without their consent or even reciprocated feelings.

Does anyone else experience a similar thing?

It's such a weird thing to figure out, don't know how it took me so long to.

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Yep. 100% the same for me.

When I was trying to figure out my sexuality I just had fantasies and fictional characters that I was somewhat comfortable fantasizing about in a romantic and somewhat sexual way so thought I was hetero. It also made me think I was bi since my favorite character to fantasize about is a chick. Though it's different with live-action characters, because that starts getting weird to me.

But... yeah. Hella awkward when I try and picture sexual things with my bf or people I know having sex without me involved. Like it's not right. As if sex has always been a fictional thing for me, so when I can put real faces to the act it's just weird!

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...as soon as it's someone I actually know it gets weird.

Seconded.

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Yeah, exactly!

I hear sexual people get grossed out by the thought of their parents having sex... :'D And honestly, I get grossed out by the thought of sex with ANY real people involved in it. Fictional characters, however, are fine for some reason...

I only fantasize about an actual, real life person if I'm in love in them and I develop a strong emotional bond with them. Otherwise it just feels wrong and uncomfortable. ;)

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Purnkin Spurce

I've often worried about this myself for many years because I do have romantic desires for one of my closest friends. I find myself fantasizing about us being in a relationship and doing romantic things. She doesn't know I feel this way, nor would I ever tell her. But there are times I feel so bad for even imagining her doing what romantically pleases me. There are times there were people who wanted to date me would let me know how they felt about me sexually when they were alone and it creeped the shit out of me. Also slightly made me feel violated in some way. And I sightly feel like I'm violating that person's free will by fantasizing about them for my own mental pleasures.

My conclusion is, don't tell people what your deepest fantasies are about them. If it's about fictional characters, no harm. If it's about real people, no harm either as long as you keep it to yourself. At least that's my experience. It's not a rule, just advise. They don't have to know how you actually feel and as long as you don't try to make that fantasy a reality (knowing how the other person feels) I don't see anything wrong with it.

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Well, I've never fantasized about fictional characters... But I remember that, when I was about 14, I would get so ashamed when I'd think about kissing my at-the-time boyfriend, I'd change the fantasy so that it was punishing to me in some way, like him hitting or stabbing me instead. :( When I think about it, I really was *very* repressed as a kid, just emotionally repressed rather than sexually. (I used to be very sex repulsed, but that's different from being repressed, as repressed suggests tamping down urges/desires.) I think my self esteem was so low, I didn't feel like I was allowed to want anything...

Now I fantasize quite a bit about my current boyfriend, but it's still very ah... Uncreative, usually just replaying memories in my head, rarely inventing new scenarios. Sometimes I wonder if my ability to fantasize is underdeveloped, like I stunted it or something with my shame, haha. But at least I don't feel ashamed about it, now.

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LostInSilentHill

I feel like it's rude to think about real people like that without permission. I'll read fanfiction as long as it's not about real people. When I got into Supernatural fanfiction I had to find a press conference where they said they don't mind people writing and reading about them.

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for me I can't even get to the point about worrying if it's rude or not xD as soon as I try to think of a real person, my inspiration gets blocked. I just can't fabricate a story about someone who has a real past and future xD

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TooOldForThis

Huh. First dissenting opinion here, I guess... I don't feel bad for thinking about others in a romantic sense. I don't think there's anything wrong with doing so, as long as you don't expect them to act out your fantasies or anything. And discussing the thoughts with the person/people in question might be rude.

I don't really fantasise about anyone sexually, fictional or otherwise, so I can't say on that count. I can make myself think about real people in a sexual manner, which is a bit awkward more than anything else, but I don't get anything out of it and prefer not to do it on a whole.

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Why would it be wrong? :mellow: They're just feelings. Feelings just happen, they don't care about consent.

What matters is what we do about them.

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I tend to feel bad for these kinds of thoughts (sexual ones in particular), though I've been figuring it's because I was raised in a very "sex is for making babies so don't ever do it" kind of way. Worst part is that I don't know how much of the shame I feel shouldn't be there (that is, how much of it I need to unlearn).

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Why would it be wrong? :mellow: They're just feelings. Feelings just happen, they don't care about consent.

What matters is what we do about them.

I'm not suggesting it's wrong, it just feels bad to me, like I shouldn't do it, I certainly wouldn't act on them but it feels so improper

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I feel like it's rude to think about real people like that without permission. I'll read fanfiction as long as it's not about real people. When I got into Supernatural fanfiction I had to find a press conference where they said they don't mind people writing and reading about them.

I'm the same way. It feels wrong. I've tried it once or twice and it's never lasted for more than two seconds.

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Yep. 100% the same for me.

When I was trying to figure out my sexuality I just had fantasies and fictional characters that I was somewhat comfortable fantasizing about in a romantic and somewhat sexual way so thought I was hetero. It also made me think I was bi since my favorite character to fantasize about is a chick. Though it's different with live-action characters, because that starts getting weird to me.

But... yeah. Hella awkward when I try and picture sexual things with my bf or people I know having sex without me involved. Like it's not right. As if sex has always been a fictional thing for me, so when I can put real faces to the act it's just weird!

I completely recognise this. It does indeed feel not right. In fact I almost never try to fantasise about people I know, but when I do it feels bad and I immediately stop doing it. Besides I can't really image the faces of people I know when fantasising sexually, somehow my brain can't focus on it.

Oh something I just thought about: I never sexually fantasise about people which involves myself as 'character'. I always fantasise about fictional people but it never includes myself. Are there more people who do this?

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Why would it be wrong? :mellow: They're just feelings. Feelings just happen, they don't care about consent.

What matters is what we do about them.

This is the right answer. No one can or should police others' thoughts.

That said... I never used to have an issue at all... fantasized about people with wild abandon... but thanks to half a decade on AVEN, now I feel bad about it. I wish i didn't though, it's pretty lame.

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I'm fine with the thought of kissing people, though it's never about a specific person. I've had a couple dreams of kissing someone but that someone wasn't someone I knew, it was just some person my mind had made up.

When I was trying to figure myself out I tried fantasizing about what I'd do in sexual situations but if I try to take my imagination beyond the point of kissing then all I can picture myself doing is shoving the other person away and being totally turned off, and basically disgusted. Everything beyond kissing holds no appeal for me.

I also tried thinking about kissing people I know but that also disgusts me, I'm not in love with any of them and as far as I know none of them are with me. I respect them as not mine to kiss or imagine so trying to find anything stimulating by imagining them definitely feels wrong.

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I don't have a problem with it if the actor is playing a character, but if they're playing themselves? No.

And then there are those fanfictions that include youtuber relationships... ;_; I know it's all just fiction, but it's so strange and uncomfortable for me to even think about. (although if it's something like a joke-fic, then it's fine and I can laugh about it. xP)

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  • 1 month later...

I feel like it's rude to think about real people like that without permission. I'll read fanfiction as long as it's not about real people. When I got into Supernatural fanfiction I had to find a press conference where they said they don't mind people writing and reading about them.

Exactly! I don't think fantasizing about real people is wrong, per se. But I personally am very uncomfortable with it. As a Supernatural fan in particular I feel irrationally guilty just reading RPF other people have written. I have a deep, bothersome urge to find the cast members and apologize profusely, "I'm so so sorry this sort of thing exists," It definitely feels like some kind of...breach of trust, maybe? Rude and weird and squicky?

Actually, if the characters were real I'd apologize to them too. They have enough problems already without...well, that stuff. Not that they aren't afflicted with it anyway (writers can be mean. As can Becky.)

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Truth and Lies

Hm... well, for me, it's almost the opposite. I feel very weird about considering fantasizing about fictional characters. Usually comes up in all those YouTube comments when people say "(So and so) is mine! No one else can have them! *drools*" And here I am... thinking... "(So and so)... you can just stay with this other character, okay? Sounds good? Because you're awesome, but I do not feel that way about you. Like. Seriously. I don't want to have an intimate relationship with you. Or imagine having one. Don't take offense, please. I just like you being all cute and sweet with this other character, y'know?" :mellow:

And real people... are they like, live action characters, or the actors themselves, for example? The characters are still characters, and I will have the same reaction as above. But the actors themselves.... oh, no, keep them far, far, far away from me. Ick. Fantasizing about real strangers? Uck. I mean, it's not really a problem for me, since until threads like these come up, the mere idea of fantasizing about a stranger in such a way never pops into my mind. ^_^

And then if it's real people like acquaintances or friends... well, there's grey area. I have acknowledged in my mind on occasion simple, chaste fantasies about a few friends. I wouldn't mind kissing them once, or something like that (that particular person I felt a heavy amount of emotional attraction towards, but it has died off, partly because I know that we are incompatible with our desires about relationships). Or I would like to hug them or hold hands. But that's as far as romantic-ish fantasies go. I am not actually sure if they are romantic as much as platonic... or... something? o_o One of my friends doesn't like touching that much, and it would be nice to hug them, but I am not sure what type of "fantasy" that is. :blush: I have another memory of cuddling with a friend, years and years ago, and I sometimes fantasize about doing that again.

For me, any romantic/platonic fantasizes I have that involve myself are often ways for me to continue figuring myself out. What I want, how I feel. Sometimes I feel awkward admitting to myself that I have imagined something like a kiss, but when I do, I feel a bit better. I tell myself, "You imagined this. you felt this way. It's okay. It's okay."

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Why would it be wrong? :mellow: They're just feelings. Feelings just happen, they don't care about consent.

What matters is what we do about them.

This is the right answer. No one can or should police others' thoughts.

I can't argue against that... but what about policing one's own thoughts? I can't even imagine not doing it... and I don't want to not do it, either. ("Two! Two negations! MWA HA HA HA!")

That said... I never used to have an issue at all... fantasized about people with wild abandon... but thanks to half a decade on AVEN, now I feel bad about it. I wish i didn't though, it's pretty lame.

:cake:

Well, if it's not good for anything else, at least it helps you relate to "The World, As Seen By Mysticus". *wincey smile*

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BaymaxCupcake

I've been drooling over fictional characters since I was 10 (probably younger but -shrugs-).

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TeddyMiller

Yeah. I feel ok fantasizing about celebrities though, but as soon as it's someone I actually know it gets weird.

That's how I feel, too.

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WintersWhite

In school, I actually see this person in passing periods that I eventually got interested in. I don't know why but I feel the need to learn more about this person, maybe become their friend. I don't even know their name or what their voice sounds like! Anyways, I think a lot about how a conversation between me and that person could go and then I start fantasizing having a romantic relationship with that person which causes the other side of my brain to go "...nonononono! I don't know if they're like that at all! They could be completely different than how I imagine their personality. I'm stereotyping this person! I said I dislike stereotypes and I'm being hypocritical with my fantasies! I might not even be their romantic preference!" I feel mostly bad because I'm stereotyping this person or I'm assuming this person has personality/interests that don't match their true character at all. I'm kind of creating an ideal partner out of this person and I'm only going to disappoint myself when I learn who they really are so I feel wrong for thinking of these fantasies.
When I have these thoughts with my fictional aesthetic squishes, I don't feel bad as since they don't exist, they're not going to be offended by my depiction of them but a real person certainly would.

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Oh something I just thought about: I never sexually fantasise about people which involves myself as 'character'. I always fantasise about fictional people but it never includes myself. Are there more people who do this?

Yeah I almost never imagine myself; whether romantic or otherwise, all my imaginings are about fictional characters only, no real people, and especially not myself. In the case of fan-fiction for movies or shows they do look like the actors in my mind, but I don't think of them as the actors. The closest to imagining myself that I get is either thinking about real memories, or thinking about a friend or family member and sort of mentally sending them a hug. I know they can't feel it, but I still like the idea of 'sending' it all the same. But it's not really focused on my enjoyment of sensations with them so much as it is just thinking about how much I appreciate them and wanting to send my best wishes, so it's not really what I would consider a 'fantasy'. The few times that I've tried to imagine cuddling with someone that I'm missing it's always with someone who actually would hug me and it still feels awkward and doesn't really last long. When feeling lonely I'm much more likely to just think about other characters sharing affection and get my cuddles vicariously.

. . . . (I have tried before, there wasn't a true desire for that person, sexual or romantic) it felt almost dirty, like I shouldn't be thinking of the person in such a way without their consent or even reciprocated feelings.

I definitely relate. I've always felt this way. I guess I feel like... While we can't stop ideas from coming to mind and thus I don't feel guilty for brief momentary suggestions of things, I do feel like choosing to entertain thoughts rather than dismiss them is something that it makes sense to feel guilty about. And while it may only be happening in my head and not affecting them in reality, I feel like it still is at least a violation of my own moral code because I wouldn't actually do that if they weren't okay with it, and since I know they aren't or at least don't know that they are, I can't feel good or right about picturing it. I feel like it is respectful of a person to honor their will in my thoughts. And I also feel that thought is the beginning of action... you may not ever act upon it, but thinking about it a lot will make you more likely to eventually do so, or to feel more tempted to do so, than if you don't let yourself dwell mentally on it, so it also just seems wiser not to think about things I wouldn't want to do - seems like it would save trouble.

. . . But... yeah. Hella awkward when I try and picture sexual things with my bf or people I know having sex without me involved. Like it's not right. As if sex has always been a fictional thing for me, so when I can put real faces to the act it's just weird!

I relate to this too, like....I love my husband, he's attractive, I love kissing and cuddling with him, but I don't really fantasize about doing that even with him when he's not actually present. Fantasizing about reality just seems really weird to me. I wouldn't feel like it was a violation with him because I know he'd be okay with it, but I still don't feel compelled to do it.

And I get the strange feeling of sex somehow being more fictional than real, not that I read much with sex in it either, but it's just... a lot more disturbing to think of actual people actually engaging in it, whereas when it's mentioned in a book or a comic strip or something fictional it doesn't have the same level of impact so I don't get as weirded out.

. . . . honestly, I get grossed out by the thought of sex with ANY real people involved in it. Fictional characters, however, are fine for some reason...

Yeah I find it rather disturbing to think of any actual people having sex with each-other, I may know they do in a vague sense, but I hate when people say things in a conversation that conjure up pictures of them with someone because it does feel like some kind of violation of privacy to me, and it's just awkward to think about and... yeah no.

I've often worried about this myself for many years because I do have romantic desires for one of my closest friends. I find myself fantasizing about us being in a relationship and doing romantic things. She doesn't know I feel this way, nor would I ever tell her. But there are times I feel so bad for even imagining her doing what romantically pleases me. There are times there were people who wanted to date me would let me know how they felt about me sexually when they were alone and it creeped the shit out of me. Also slightly made me feel violated in some way. And I sightly feel like I'm violating that person's free will by fantasizing about them for my own mental pleasures.

exactly, because I feel this way when I know someone else has thought of me in that way I don't feel like it's right to do that to others... not that I really have much temptation to, but... being a highly affectionate person I do often wish I could be more cuddly and touchy with certain people in my life who I know wouldn't feel comfortable with that level of touching, and I do feel like it would be disrespectful of them to try to imagine being that way with them.

for me I can't even get to the point about worrying if it's rude or not xD as soon as I try to think of a real person, my inspiration gets blocked. I just can't fabricate a story about someone who has a real past and future xD

Yeah, I've never understood imagining things with real people, I never did it on my own, and once hearing that other people do imagine themselves and other people in hypothetical situations or in the future or whatever - I've tried to dabble my toe in the water so to speak and decided it really wasn't something I could get into. I guess I just feel like reality is what it is and I don't really have a desire to 'play' with it mentally aside from trying to understand it.

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Hm... well, for me, it's almost the opposite. I feel very weird about considering fantasizing about fictional characters. Usually comes up in all those YouTube comments when people say "(So and so) is mine! No one else can have them! *drools*" And here I am... thinking... "(So and so)... you can just stay with this other character, okay? Sounds good? Because you're awesome, but I do not feel that way about you. Like. Seriously. I don't want to have an intimate relationship with you. Or imagine having one. Don't take offense, please. I just like you being all cute and sweet with this other character, y'know?" :mellow:

And real people... are they like, live action characters, or the actors themselves, for example? The characters are still characters, and I will have the same reaction as above. But the actors themselves.... oh, no, keep them far, far, far away from me. Ick. Fantasizing about real strangers? Uck. I mean, it's not really a problem for me, since until threads like these come up, the mere idea of fantasizing about a stranger in such a way never pops into my mind. ^_^

This is great! "Oh fictional characters I want you to be together with your love without the burden of my self-insert fantasies!" Quite often describes my personal feelings. Case study: The Phantom of the Opera. Erik loves Christine. I don't care how 'smexy' you find him, stop OC-ing yourself into his life when, clearly, he's normally not into you. Erik does deserve love though, and Christine has so much potential... I just want them to be happy. :wub:

Also works for married/not single actors. Why would I ever inject my unknown/potentially creepy self into their beautiful love? They have a kid(s) and a life and contemplating 'stuff' with them seems so...indecent.

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I don't see it as 'wrong' as in feeling bad or guilty about it, but it's wrong for me as in it just doesn't work and lasts a few seconds of a poor attempt before being discarded for fictional fantasies. People's personal fantasies are just that - their own. As long as they don't get too OTT about it in public and/or infront of that particular person (like at a con or something) then I don't see a problem - I just can't fantasise about real people in a sexual way myself.

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Selasphorus

I've always hated those truth or dare questions you get in grade school along the lines of "what teacher/celebrity would you screw if you had to screw one?" Just... no. No. An answer that your friends will never accept, so you try to pick the lesser of the evils... I realise now that this is related to my aceness, but trying to force people into a fantastical, dirty situation like that always seemed disrespectful on some level for me. I won't condemn anyone else for it though, because those are my standards based on how I personally experience the world. People are different, so go float your boat your way.

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