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Did I accidentally "out" another ace?


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I got really excited about meeting another ace, and it's been going really well, so I wanted to share it with my friends. I told them I had met someone "like me." I came out to this group of people last year, and they've been incredibly respectful. And while I never said specifically that he was asexual, I think I implied it.

Naturally my friends got curious and asked me about him and what we did (in terms of romantic and sexual activities), but I gave vague answers or avoided some questions entirely. One friend told me I should show my cleavage on a date and I said I wasn't sure if he'd be into that. I gave no other details.

I realized later that I should have asked him if he was comfortable with the idea of me telling my friends. My friends are cool, but he doesn't know them, and he might not be OK with being out in any situation. He is listed as asexual on a dating website, so I don't think he's totally in the closet, but we haven't discussed it yet.

The question I have is, was I wrong to say anything before I got his permission? How would you have handled the situation? Have any of you had a similar problem trying to respect the privacy of an asexual friend or partner?

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no bueno. it is an odd thing when you are an ace (as you probably know) whether they came out or not it is sometimes odd when other people who you don't know know. i would introduce him to your friends and sooner or later he may like them enough to where they are at least not strangers.

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I personally don't think you did anything wrong.

You got a date and you told your friends about it like anybody would do (you didn't give out his full name either). Being on a dating website does mean you do have to be somewhat public about your sexuality because it's unfair to make your date/partner a dirty (or nonsexual lol) secret.

If he was really secretive about his asexuality, he would have said so on his profile or explicitly told you not to tell others. So I think you're fine. If you want to take your relationship with him more serious by introducing him to your friends and family, that's when I suggest you ask him if he's okay with your friends and family knowing his sexuality (and of course your own sexuality). But just telling your friends vague details about your enjoyable date is perfectly fine.

I have no experience in this kind of scenario but these are my thoughts and opinions. I hope they help you. Take care!

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I'd probably have asked before mentioning it outside the friendship. As you say, his dating website profile mentions it, so he may be cool, but to me it's just good manners...

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People shouldnt assume anyone's sexual orientation unless the information comes from the person. Everything you said to your friends do far seems fine to me, and it shouldn't be seen as confirmation that your date is ace.

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You didn't do anything wrong here, although if you feel like you should, you can ask him about it the next time it comes up. Like people have said, it's normal stuff to dicuss.

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I think, you're overthinking things.

From what I gather from your post, at the moment your friends don't know him. So it's pretty much the same as saying you met a bunch of asexual people on this website and then thinking you've outed us all. Unless I missed something ?

If you're actually thinking of introducing him to your friends, then I would talk to him about it before he meets them.

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