Sparknotes Article on Coming Out to Parents

[deltaX]

I found an article on Sparklife today about whether it is necessary to come out as asexual to parents. It felt like I was reading a topic from AVEN, and I hope the person who wrote the letter finds their way here.

http://community.sparknotes.com/2015/02/18/auntie-sparknotes-do-my-parents-need-to-know-im-asexual

Auntie SparkNotes: Do My Parents Need to Know I'm Asexual?



By kat_rosenfield February 18, 2015

Dear Auntie,

I came out as a lesbian to my parents and family a few months ago, and they've all been totally fine with it. Now I've figured out that I'm asexual (I'm still more attracted to girls than guys, but not particularly sexually), but I'm wondering if it's something I should come out about? I know that my mom viewed it as a necessity that I come out as gay to her, which is understandable, because they'd want to meet my partner, but do I tell them I'm asexual? Is it any of their business?

Any advice would be appreciated, I'm not sure what to do!

Actually, Sparkler, your parents—who are a lovely, refreshing, non-lunatic break from the usual sort of parents we hear about 'round here—have given you an excellent litmus test when for the necessity of coming out as anything. And that test is: Does this facet of your identity have a public face?

Because obviously, when it comes to your identification as a lesbian, the answer is yes. And of course, your mom felt it was important that you come out about your orientation, not because she wants to know the details of your sex life, but because she wants you to be able to be open and authentic with her, and to introduce your girlfriends to her as your girlfriends. That's the thing about sexual orientation: It isn't only about sex. There's so much more to it than what happens in your bedroom; it's about who you love, who you live with, whose photo sits on your desk at work, and who you bring as your plus-one to holiday dinners and weddings and parties.

Asexuality, on the other hand, is all about what happens in your bedroom (or doesn't, as the case may be.) It centers entirely on your sexual feelings—how and why and under what circumstances and to what degree you experience sexual attraction. It's not about who you make a life with; it's about your sex life, period.

And for most people, your sex life just doesn't have a public component. The hows and whys and whens of your attraction are a private matter between you and whomever you're intimate with.

So, in short: Nope, your parents don't need to know that you don't experience sexual attraction, or that you only experience it under very certain circumstances—any more than they'd need to know that you experience sexual attraction five hundred times a day, and especially if you happen to have recently seen a picture of Jesse Williams with no shirt on. (Or, for that matter, any more than you'd want to know that sort of information about them, because ewwww.) And whether you're asexual, or quasi-sexual, or hypersexual to the point where you'd happily make love to a potted plant, all of this stuff—the behind-closed-doors parts of your sexuality—is totally cool to keep private.

Edited February 28, 2015 by ithaca

[I'd rather be in band.]

Neato! We need to bring them here, as you said.

[littlepersonparadox]

Good article. I don't think romantic orientations are just asexual related though. Sexual orientation isn't really about the romantic side of things. I know allosexuals who have a different romatic orientation than their sexual one. So lesbian to me is just about what you do in the bedroom as much as asexuality is. However i do agree that you don't necessarily have to come out to your parents about your orientation unless its going to impact who you date. That way you can actually bring your partner respectfully home for dinner sometimes.

[deltaX]

Good article. I don't think romantic orientations are just asexual related though. Sexual orientation isn't really about the romantic side of things. I know allosexuals who have a different romatic orientation than their sexual one. So lesbian to me is just about what you do in the bedroom as much as asexuality is. However i do agree that you don't necessarily have to come out to your parents about your orientation unless its going to impact who you date. That way you can actually bring your partner respectfully home for dinner sometimes.

Yeah, that part of the article bothered me a bit, but I don't think any harm was meant by it, and people in the comments already made a point to correct her.

Other than that I would say that the advice is pretty sound. In my opinion, it's a good idea to come out if you personally want to or if your orientation is visible in a way that your parents will have to find out anyway, but otherwise, the letter writer has no obligation to tell their parents they're asexual. :)

[Descartes]

Thanks for the link.

It makes me to think about coming out. Though I don't want to come out to my parents. :P

[Celes]

I wasn't crazy about the implication that being gay = part of your identity and public life that has to be addressed, being asexual = a private matter.

That's the thing about sexual orientation: It isn't only about sex. There's so much more to it than what happens in your bedroom; it's about who you love, who you live with, whose photo sits on your desk at work, and who you bring as your plus-one to holiday dinners and weddings and parties.

Asexuality, on the other hand, is all about what happens in your bedroom (or doesn't, as the case may be.) It centers entirely on your sexual feelings—how and why and under what circumstances and to what degree you experience sexual attraction. It's not about who you make a life with; it's about your sex life, period.

Actually, my asexuality is way more than the lack of action in my bedroom. It explains why I haven't (and likely will never have) a significant other. It explains why the photos that sit on my desk and the people I bring to weddings will be friends or family and that's alright. It explains my unique perspective on friendship and family. If I ever have children, it will explain why I'm a single mother -- or perhaps part of some polyamorous unit (who knows what the future holds!). Asexuality is part of my identity.

Also this perspective is quite dismissive of romantic asexuals who do end up in romantic relationships.

I dunno, I'm kind of disturbed this is advice being given to teenagers....

Ok, done ranting

[Sleepy Skeleton]

The article was interesting, but I'm kind of bothered by something that the author said in the comments.

The problem with terms like "asexual" or "aromantic" is that as useful as they can be for people who like having a label and the sense of community that comes with it, they communicate basically nothing about who you are as a person. (Especially when even people within those communities don't agree on exactly what they mean; everyone is working with their own definition.) Whereas if you were to say, "I don't feel interested in a romantic relationship," that would communicate a great deal.

I understand why someone might think there's no need for asexuals to come out to their parents, but it sounds like this person is arguing that asexuality/aromanticism doesn't really matter. No, I'm not going to erase my identity just because some non-asexual doesn't think the label is useful.

[WoodwindWhistler]

I wasn't crazy about the implication that being gay = part of your identity and public life that has to be addressed, being asexual = a private matter.

Actually, my asexuality is way more than the lack of action in my bedroom. It explains why I haven't (and likely will never have) a significant other. It explains why the photos that sit on my desk and the people I bring to weddings will be friends or family and that's alright. It explains my unique perspective on friendship and family. If I ever have children, it will explain why I'm a single mother -- or perhaps part of some polyamorous unit (who knows what the future holds!). Asexuality is part of my identity.

Also this perspective is quite dismissive of romantic asexuals who do end up in romantic relationships.

I dunno, I'm kind of disturbed this is advice being given to teenagers....

Ok, done ranting

Yeah, I actually take issue with the advice not to tell parents. Wouldn't you like to be fully acknowledged for what you are? And how does saying you're NOT having sex relate to a "squick" factor at all???? If anything, you're relieving any minor uncomfortable feelings they may have already.

If, on the one hand, you don't want to broadcast that you're asexual to the world, I guess it doesn't matter either way. On the other hand, if you're okay with other people besides your partner knowing, it'd be nice for the bit of visibility for the rest of the people on the spectrum out there. The hedge position of having your parents know, and at least being able to knowledgeably talk about it to other people, if not mention you specifically, is a plus for you, them, and the rest of us.

Personally, as someone who is rather indifferent to sex in many contexts that other people cringe at (Old people have sex? Okay. Why is that weird/bad? I imagine my relationship with my children won't be much different.) I was actually a little hurt that my mother is so secretive about her experiences. We're so very close in every other way. Funny enough, I know from browsing the forums that people have had detailed deluges of conversation from their family (or friends) that they probably didn't want. :P I'm not saying I want to know *everything*, but even the most generalized question got turned down.

I would probably like to be in a polyamorous unit of some kind, where I wasn't required to fulfill someone's physical needs. Polyfidelity sounds great. My church probably wouldn't like it, but I'll cross that bridge if (not when) I get there.

[snowleopard12]

I just can't agree with this article. I'm a teen who came out to their parents a few months ago, and it was really such a relief. I think that my asexuality is just as important to me as any lesbian's homosexuality would be to them...I'm still romantic, and I feel like including asexuality is really neccessary to communicating how I feel about other people. Otherwise it wouldn't feel like I was giving a full picture about how I feel, and asexuality isn't simply a lack of interest in sex, it changes how you think about the the people that you ARE attracted to, and how you approach relationships. All sexual orientations are about SO much more than sex, and asexuality is no different--I think that it will really impact whatever relationships I have in the future, and if I were in a same-sex relationship but didn't tell people I was asexual, but just identified as lesbian, that wouldn't really seem fair to the rest of the asexual commmunity, to be honest. I'd feel like I was covering it up.

Yeah, I don't really want to talk to my parents about my sex life, or lack of one, but I don't see why coming out as asexual would be any less important to them as coming out as gay, and I'm really glad I did it. I don't want to feel like I'm hiding something like that from them, and I wouldn't tell someone that even if they want to tell their parents, their parents don't want to know, especially if their parents are accepting people. I think that telling someone it isn't that important invalidates asexuality as a sexual orientation.