ellastokes Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I watched this documentary on lust and these men would do things to make themselves more unique and manly when there was some kind of sexual background supposedly to raise their chances of being chosen as a mate. They would also become more animated artist when they had just chatted with an attractive person. Girls would even be nicer and more helpful to people in stress after talking with attractive men. Like...they were acting like peacocks showing off their best feathers for mates. And apparently, all of this was a function of lust. Here's the thing: when I really, really, really like someone, I do a lot to make myself seem more awesome. I show my brightest feathers so to speak. I draw more impressive things, I act more charitable, tell my best jokes, act in a way they I think they would think is attractive, like I go so so so far in the hopes of catching their attention and I know this. My first question, is this all because of lust like the scientist say? Does this mean I lust for the people that I like? (I don't do this for random strangers ever at least I don't think) My second question is, what do romantic asexuals do when they're in love? Do they act like peacocks and spread their brightest feathers? And really, is this a sign of lust like scientists say? Link to post Share on other sites
DannySylar Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 No. Showing off the best side of you can be just because of a romantic desire rather than a sexual one, its just what you show off. Showing off your intelligence and your jokes is to attract a romantic partner but showing off your body or dirty mindedness is when looking for a sexual partner Link to post Share on other sites
Rollacosta Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Google says lust is "a passionate desire for something". I would say thats hows i feel when i get close to someone, or meet someone I'm interested in. Having interpersonal personal relationships are fulfilling for me. When i feel good, i try to make others feel good around me by being fun to be around. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Do asexuals act like peacocks when in love? um, what an odd question lol. When I began experiencing romantic attraction for my asexual partner, and he for me, we didn't puff ourselves up like peacocks or anything, we just began having open, honest communication with each other in PM, discussing what we might want out of a relationship together, learning everything we could about each other.. asking personal questions etc. I did take lots of nice photos of myself for him once we were in a relationship together, but that wasn't me trying to make myself seem better or anything, it was just giving him some nice photos to look at (we are both asexual but feel sensual and aesthetic attraction so enjoy looking at each other) I don't really get the whole "trying to be more awesome" thing.. I'd rather someone love me for who I am, not someone I have to try to be.. I just couldn't maintain that pretend person forever lol. A potential partener needs to know they are getting in a relationship with someone who sometimes doesn't get out of their PJ's and dressing gown all day, who sometimes doesn't do the dishes, who has flaws and shortcomings and can sometimes be a real jerk lol and I want to know the same things about my potential partner as well (I found I was able to love him more, and be more open to a relationship with him, after learning gradually about his shortcomings, his fears etc).. I rather know the real person, not someone they have to try to be to look good.. That's how I feel anyway. And about the lust thing.. I don't know. Desire was certainly involved for my partner and I.. not sexual desire, but a deep desire to know each other better, to be closer mentally and emotionally, to be loving and romantic and snuggly together.. and to be each other's intimate partner exclusively (again, not sex.. that's like sensuality, kink, snuggles etc) so yeah I guess it depends on what you describe lust as? we could be described as romantically and sensually lusting for each other I guess haha Anyway, hopefully this isn't full of bizarre auto corrects, I'm writing it on my phone :o Link to post Share on other sites
MoraDollie Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Here's the thing: when I really, really, really like someone, I do a lot to make myself seem more awesome. I show my brightest feathers so to speak. I draw more impressive things, I act more charitable, tell my best jokes, act in a way they I think they would think is attractive, like I go so so so far in the hopes of catching their attention and I know this. My first question, is this all because of lust like the scientist say? Does this mean I lust for the people that I like? (I don't do this for random strangers ever at least I don't think) My second question is, what do romantic asexuals do when they're in love? Do they act like peacocks and spread their brightest feathers? And really, is this a sign of lust like scientists say? Here's the thing: the science behind lust and love are two completely different parts of the brain. You can want sex from someone, and never desire a romantic relationship/love with them. You can desire a romantic relationship with someone, and never desire sex. The two can co-exist together, but they don't HAVE to happen at the same time. This video might help clear things up: Also, for your peacocking question, this is natural biology. When you want to make yourself stand out for the crowd for any reason (impress scholars, impress peers, impress a potential mate, etc), you'll purposely put yourself "out" there, often by doing things you wouldn't normally do (show off by doing dangerous/stupid stunts in hopes it'll impress someone is a very common example). You can really see this in young children when they're on the playground. Link to post Share on other sites
TooOldForThis Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Interesting question. I don't think I try to come off as better than I am when I'm romantically attracted to someone, but I might try to be a better person. This would be both to impress the person, and to make them happy, since if I am romantically attracted to them, I definitely like them enough that their being happy makes me happy too. Basically, I want them to think I am a good/nice/desirable/interesting person so they will want to be with me, and then I want to actually be that person because they deserve to be with someone good/nice/etc. Not sure if that's the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Neurula Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 What does sexual background mean? I think I understand your question. Did the scientists ask the sexuals "what do you do when you're in love"? Probably not. You would need to do whatever experiment they did but with asexual participants. You can't get reliable data simply by asking people. Even if you asked sexuals "do you strut like a peacock when you're in lust?" they'd say no. However, I think it's common knowledge that people groom themselves, tell jokes, etc. if they around their crush. Link to post Share on other sites
Wonderment Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I don't show off. I just try to be nice to them and talk to them and pretty much just treat them as a good friend Link to post Share on other sites
Prisma Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 My second question is, what do romantic asexuals do when they're in love? Do they act like peacocks and spread their brightest feathers? And really, is this a sign of lust like scientists say? I only fell in love once, and I knew from the very beginning that it's mutual- he was actually clearly into me from day one, and I fell in love with him only 3 weeks later (which is a lot in a summer camp). Because of that, I think, my actions were more resembling a puppy than a peacock: I followed him around the whole last day of the summer camp, all totally embarrassed someone will notice, just waiting for when we can be alone to just share our affection. I'm still in touch with him through the internet, and because that's our only connection, I try to impress there a little more. I'm pretty screwed up, so a tiny irrational part of me is afraid he'll cut our connection if he'll learn how much, so I'm pretty careful only showing him my good side, so he'll enjoy our conversations. As for lust- I'm not entirely sure. It's more of a romantic, non-sexual desire. I don't want to have sex with him, or any other type of sexual activity (other than kissing perhaps, he's the only one I ever enjoyed kissing), but I do want to be with him. Being around him makes me a better, happier version of myself, and I desire that. Also, I really enjoy talking to him, given that he is by far the smartest person I have ever met, and a conversation with him is always an opportunity to learn something new. Link to post Share on other sites
Hooded_Crow Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I agree and relate to everything Panficto said :) so there. Except that I don't feel aesthetically attracted to my partner. He looks beautiful to me because I love him and when I look at his face I see someone I love. But I wouldn't call this attraction. But seriously, apart from that aspect, exactly the same happened with my partner and me. We didn't try to make ourselves appear better or try to stand out. We didn't modify pur behaviour. We just talked more and more openly. If anything, I was more careful to be myself with him because I really wanted him to know the real me and not the front I instinctively put up when talking to people in general. So I have no idea if that peacock thing is a feat of sexual attraction. I know I've never lusted after someone in my entire life. Except maybe romantic and sensual lust, as Panficto nicely put it =3 Link to post Share on other sites
CharmVif3075 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 How does one know they're in love anyway? (If not in a relationship with that person) Link to post Share on other sites
Barylambda Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I don't do the love thing. I seriously doubt that I can fall in love or give and receive affection. In terms of impressing people, I do that with my geological and paleontological knowledge. Also, I try to impress with my sculptures. If I see an awesome sculpture of a dinosaur, I try to match or exceed the quality and level of detail in that piece. As far as romantic partners are concerned, I'm pretty sure I could care less. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I agree with all the folks saying not to do the whole "peacock" thing. That might work well when you're wanting something more superficial (like, the "casual dating" scene) but that likely wouldn't yield something fruitful in my eyes. To me it feels so much more natural and more *real* when you know that someone else loves you for the real you, not the front that you put up. The best sort of love imo comes from the mutual understanding that neither of you are perfect and that neither one expects the other to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I agree with all the folks saying not to do the whole "peacock" thing. That might work well when you're wanting something more superficial (like, the "casual dating" scene) but that likely wouldn't yield something fruitful in my eyes. To me it feels so much more natural and more *real* when you know that someone else loves you for the real you, not the front that you put up. The best sort of love imo comes from the mutual understanding that neither of you are perfect and that neither one expects the other to be. I do it, but it's due to severe depression and not believing that people will deal with my issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I do it, but it's due to severe depression and not believing that people will deal with my issues. But it's not like that with your partner though, right? I imagine by now you're each probably more acquainted with how the other person truly is? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I do it, but it's due to severe depression and not believing that people will deal with my issues. But it's not like that with your partner though, right? I imagine by now you're each probably more acquainted with how the other person truly is? OMG of course. It's legit eerie at this point how well she knows me. But I definitely don't start by being like "hey by the way sometimes I spend several days laying around crying and talking about how you're better off without me". :D Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I would agree with not putting up a front. I HATE when people do that to me. If people don't like me for me, then too bad so sad, they can go find someone compatible and leave me alone. :lol: I won't lie to trick someone into a relationship, which is what it's felt like whenever people do that to me. OMG of course. It's legit eerie at this point how well she knows me. But I definitely don't start by being like "hey by the way sometimes I spend several days laying around crying and talking about how you're better off without me". :D Well, I wouldn't call that putting up a front. I'd call that not leading with very personal TMI details that they should get to know you to know. :lol: Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 OMG of course. It's legit eerie at this point how well she knows me. But I definitely don't start by being like "hey by the way sometimes I spend several days laying around crying and talking about how you're better off without me". :D Haha, understandable :< I'm sorry that you experience that, by the way :( I think this sort of thing might have influenced how I turned out to be demiromantic. Generally by the point I could potentially feel romantic feels toward someone, they have already gotten some idea of how I am, and they hopefully would not be as put off by admissions such as the one you mention (which I haven't personally done exactly like how you have, but being no stranger to depression myself, I have danced the whole "you're probably better off without me" dance on occasion) Sometimes, the admission that you're really more vulnerable than you might generally let on helps others to allow themselves to feel more vulnerable with you, too. Our heads are really good at convincing ourselves that we're weird and unlovable because of it, but in reality it seems a whole lot of people go through this to at least some degree and being able to experience it together with someone else helps reinforce the idea to both parties that they're not really alone. Link to post Share on other sites
WünderBâhr Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Moved to the Romantic and Aromantic Orientations forum. Bipolar Bear Asexual Q&A Mod Link to post Share on other sites
Isa Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I don't think that applies with me. ^^' Last time a person asked if I was interested in starting a relationship with them I said that nahh I'm not sure if they can handle it. I said I'm difficult and described all my worst personality traits and also mentioned I couldn't give a damn what I look like, and that mostly I just dress in hoodies and baggy pants and never fix my hair when going out. And yes I was interested in this person and after that we were together for couple of years. And if such a miracle ever happens again that I happen to meet another person who's interested in me I'm gonna do the same. If they don't run away after that list then they're worth trying. Link to post Share on other sites
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