Help me out please

[pratfail]

You guys have helped me out a ton throughout the years, thank you so much. But now i wanna tackle this head on. I am a 22yr old male. I am very attractive, objectively. I am confident. I masturbate like 3 times a day to hetero porn and always have. I dont know if I'm asexual because I don't know how to tell. Let me start from the beginning. in high school, my first gf and i were very close. I had no doubts about anything back then. I was a cis hetero male (i thought) with no reason to think otherwise. She wasnt a very sexual person and I never pushed her to do anything she didn't want to. We made out for hours everyday and once she made me orgasm via handjob. After 6 months, we broke up. This presented an opportunity for me because, by this point, many girls i knew wanted to be with me (i became very attractive while dating my first girlfriend, cause of puberty, not trying to be vain, just being real about it.) So i moved on. I had a gorgeous gf shortly after. We were quicker to get sexual, but i broke up with her before we tried oral. she gave me a handjob but i never came. AND THEN i met the most beautiful girl i had ever met. She was the all American girl every high school boy dreams of. She was out of a movie, she was unbelievably smart and funny. A perfect body and mind (to me.) She was the most sexual person i hed met by that point. We were both virgins, but there was something sexual about her. She knew what her sexuality would unlock for her, i guess. We instantly became an item. Two weeks into dating her, prom came along. When i met her, i had only orgasmed one from interaction with girls. By the time we got home, we decided to have sex, cause prom yanno? Well, when push came to shove, i couldnt get hard. She thought it was her fault and i felt so guilty that i ruined her first time. we tried again about 10 times, but i couldnt achieve/sustain an erection. not like i was "supposed" to. I couldnt orgasm so i faked it. (Except once, and that was great.) But almost everytime before and after that, i was pushin rope (way sorry about that graphic.) And those "sexual encounters are by far the most embarrassed and ashamed i have ever been. I cringe when i think of them. But i liked her so much. Anyway, we broke up, and shortly after i found out she was having sex with other people. It really really made me feel down. Even though i know she was totally going to and i wasnt logically upset, it still really hurt. Anyway, by that point i figured i had to try again. So i got with my friend at the time, who was really attracted to me. she was a bitch. I am a feminist and love everyone, but this girl was really manipulative and mean. I had an even worse time with her sexually. She blew me for half an hour once and i didnt even get hard. So we broke it off. The girl i first tried sex with started dating again, but this time, there was no trying. She was very open minded about it. But i knew she was cheating on me. It hurt a bit, but i knew she had needs. I, at this point, did not. She asked me if i was gay, to with i say "i would be suckin dick right now if i was" haha (my two best friends came out in hs so i had a very open minded friend group.) We broke up again cause she had a sexually passionate relationship with other people that i couldnt comete with. At this point, i had seen a (fairly disappointing House episode that featured an asexual person. This whet my curiosity. I graduated high school and moved on. Here i am now: i am so scared to try to figure this thing out with someone else cause of how bad the first times were. I am in college and i get hit on often in bars. I hate turning pretty women (or any woman) down, so i avoid the situations. When i dont, i end up back at their place backing out of a hook up after pleasuring them because i am not aroused. ever since high school ive become more and more a hermit. I dont think about sex at all When im not masturbating. I masturbate often to straight porn, but cant get into that same mood with other women. I think about my aloofness about wanting sex from my first gf as a part of all this now. Shrinks have told me that there is nothing wrong with me physically/hormonally, and that its performance anxiety. But ive tried a bit. I dont know. Can i not get hard cause of anxiety from my experiences? Or is it cause of lack of drive for it? I dont mind not having sex, i am who i am, but if i can, then id like to use it to get closer to someone i really love. Either way, i notice how important sex is to everyone else in the world. Im getting pretty lonely...

[StarryNightGem]

No one can decide your label for you, and everyone, asexual or not, experiences sexuality differently.

That said, asexuality is a lack of experiencing sexual attraction [to another person]. If your finding these girls you're with exceptionally beautiful or aesthetically pleasing, but don't really want to do anything with them, then asexuality is certainly a possible explanation.

Many asexuals enjoy porn.

Many asexuals masturbate.

Neither of those things excludes you from the possibility of being asexual.

Another possibility is that you may be on the gray-asexual spectrum.

My best advice would be to find a forum where people discuss how they express their asexuality, and how they came to learn they were asexual. I'm fairly new to this site, so I'm not sure I can direct you best, but you can also do this by simply googling it. After almost a year reading different articles on asexuality, gray-asexuality, and demi-sexuality, I finally settled on how I describe myself currently as the best description.

Even if you don't end up deciding that asexual describes your orientation very well, that doesn't mean in any sense that anything is wrong with you. :)

If you don't derive satisfaction from sex, then just be upfront about it with the girls you proposition or who proposition you. Yeah, some people may judge or not handle it well, but in my experience, those people aren't worth your time. Don't be afraid to do activities you enjoy because it may lead to awkwardness. You are not responsible for other peoples' behavior, just enjoy the things you enjoy and if it comes up, be honest with 'em.

Best of luck!

[Tessc]

You might want to take a look through the FAQ if you haven't already: http://www.asexuality.org/home/general.htmlIt has some great descriptions of what asexuality can be. There's also a lot of different threads in this Q&A section that may be helpful.

As StarryNightGem said, we can't actually tell you what your sexuality is. As you've said you obviously don't have any urge to have sex with anyone, then asexuality is certainly a possibility. But if you take a look through the descriptions in the FAQ and have a look through some of the threads in this Q&A, then maybe they can help to clear up some of your questions. :)

[Froggles]

As mentioned above, we certainly can't tell you what you are or aren't. The decision as to whether or not to use a label is entirely yours, and I think it's important to realize you can always change the way you describe yourself.

I will say that your experiences sound similar to mine in many ways - I experience aesthetic and romantic attraction, but do not experience sexual desire. I've decided upon the label of "hetero-romantic asexual" for myself for these reasons, but you may find those labels don't actually fit you very well.

I will also say that, while sex is important for many, it's also not terribly important for many others. As you've experienced, there are a number of ways to satisfy someone in an intimate setting. There are tons and tons of people out there that either don't need sex at all or are willing to compromise. So, I encourage you to stay positive and not feel so afraid or lonely. With enough effort, you can certainly find someone to form a lasting relationship with, if that is what you desire. Personally, I've also learned that close friendships can fill that void for me. It took a while, but I've started to feel like the need for a traditional monogamous "long term" relationship is something that was mostly just forced upon me by society. Once I let go of that, I've been able to focus more on other things and not worry so much about "finding someone."

What you're going through is perfectly normal, and AVEN is certainly here to help and support you as much as possible. Good luck!