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Is This Asexuality or More Confusion?


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Hey, I’m hoping that this is in the right place but I've been questioning my sexuality (again). I've identified as a lesbian since I was 17. However, I recently realized I identify with many aspects of asexuality. I've found women attractive and have fantasized about dating them and I've loved my girlfriends. I mean, I've enjoyed spending time with them and going on dates and getting the butterflies in my stomach but sex wasn't something I needed. I've had sex with my girlfriends and enjoyed it physically but most of the time I was thinking about what I was “supposed” to do or if my girlfriend was enjoying herself. I mean I know I have a normal sex drive but I wouldn't really want to have sex with them unless they really wanted to. I just never understand when people panic after not having sex for weeks at a time because even in a relationship I could go months without sex. Would I be considered somewhere near asexual?

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In short: Maybe

In long: Don't worry about it. Labels only serve to help other people identify you and your motivations, identifying as any particular orientation doesn't actually change anything. If you want to have sex, great! Go have sex. If not, also great! If you want to identify as asexual, go for it. Sounds like you could be somewhere in Gray-Ace land.

Welcome to the community.

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That's ultimately up to you to decide, but I would say you could be somewhere on the ace scale! :) I'm actually in a similar boat to you- I have sex sometimes, I enjoy it sometimes, but it's hard to turn my brain off while it happens and I've never been like 'OH MY GOSH get in my pants!!!!'. There are a bunch of asexuals with sex drives, some tiny and some large, but the difference is it's not directed at anyone in particular. And that's not even taking romantic orientations into consideration! So it's totally possible to be asexual and do all the things you've said!

I hope that helped a little bit, good luck with everything and welcome to AVEN :cake:

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Thanks! After I found out about asexuality I started thinking about how I haven't really been interested in sex and asexuality seemed to fit. It's just more to think about.

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While none of us can really say with any certainty whether or not you're asexual, I can relate to aspects of your story. Growing up, I figured sex was something people were supposed to do, especially out of love for their partner(s). "I mean, if it makes them feel good..?" *shrug*" <- This was mostly my attitude toward sex in relationships, then. I didn't exactly seek it out, and had no real interest, but I wasn't repulsed by the idea completely; seeing it as a way to bond with someone I cared about and focusing more on that. I kept wishing there were other, more satisfactory ways to go about that, though. After coming across AVEN, I became more aware that there were others who, like me, wanted relationships sans sexy times, and that that was okay. More aware that, what I wanted (er, rather didn't want), was just as important as any of my partner's needs and that should be respected, too. Hell, I could go the rest of my life without sex, and I'd be perfectly fine with that.

Welcome to the community! :cake:

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