pitchblackonyx Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 hi everyone, got a question for you. i don't much like the idea of having anything to do with genitalia, but I'm trying to work out how to get used to the idea of seeing and touching my partner's as I would like to be able to make him feel pleasure.d at the moment we'rejust working on getting me used to the how he reacts to being arouseed by me with out anyone remving any clothing or going near any genitals. But we'd really aprpeciate some ideas on how to progress this in the future please? Link to post Share on other sites
Sage Raven Domino Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 As a random thought, what do you and the partner think of (TMI) dry humping? Link to post Share on other sites
pitchblackonyx Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 i don't like it at all if he's anywhere near my genitals./ ended up almost crying onec because i copuldn't deal with it. he doesn' like it because it feels like he's frcing himself on me. it seems a bit more oka to me if he's only on my leg, but he doesn't like doing that because he's a human and not a dog!! Link to post Share on other sites
DannySylar Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Hey, im in a similar but less severe version of your situation, my girlfriend is asexual and it can be difficult for both of us. The best advice I can give is to take it slow, Start off getting used to each of these before moving on 1. kissing. You probably are okay with kissing but depending on how its done can make it more sexual 2. Chest. try seeing how you are with rubbing your hands on each others chests (It is just as exciting giving as receiving so even if you don't get anything out of it they probably still will doing it)3. topless chest 4. legs. try rubbing the legs and slowly seeing how comfortable you are as it goes up the thigh (stop whenever you like and try again another day) 5. tummy. try going down the tummy with hands and or kisses 6. covered genitals. once you are close to the genitals with both the thigh and the tummy then try touching over clothes. 7. genitals. once you have built up to it then go for the genitals fully. this may take days or may take years, just take it slow and ease into it Link to post Share on other sites
Barylambda Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Can't offer anything here. Not even comfortable with my own genitals. Link to post Share on other sites
pitchblackonyx Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 thanks dAnny. thinkgin about it now i've realised we are alread trying to work fruther up the legs. and also downthe tummy. both of us are ok with him have a bare chest and i will quite happily stroke and fidget wih it. however this is unlilky to ever be ok for me because it pings my gender dysphoria (feeling of having the wrong body for your gender) f I see my chest or if he touches my chest unless i am wearing a binder at the ttime( an item of underwear designed to flattned the breasts to give the appearance of a flat chest). i seem to be ok with him being hands on ig i'm wearing a binder thoguh. we're definitely taking it slowing though., it wil l probalby be at least a year i think before there is even a c hance I can touch him., even then it is likely to be with gloves. just trying to find ideas to get there without hurting eithe rof us though, we'd both rather not repeatr the nearly-crying incident. ad i want him to still to feel loved and cared for. Link to post Share on other sites
pipsuxx Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 if wearing a binder is what's comfortable for you, then so long as your partner understands that there's no reason you can't be intimate above the waist regardless! just the feeling of touching each other can be nice even if it's over a binder or not intended as sexual stimulation. if you're experiencing gender dysphoria, maybe that plays a massive part in what you're comfortable with genitalia wise? i'm not trans so i totally apologise if i'm in any way insensitive, but maybe being under cover or in the dark will help you? i'm cis but very genophobic and it definitely helped for me. also maybe talk to your partner about verbally re-enforcing your gender whilst performing sex stuff, so that you can feel good and be sure they're not perceiving you incorrectly? idk if it will work but it's an idea. hope it helps <3 Link to post Share on other sites
pitchblackonyx Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 yes he's happy for me to wear my binder and he knows that it's probably as lcose as i'm ever going to get to topless. it is possible that the dysphoria is a reason i don't like him near my genitals, and this isn't just an issue with seeing them because i havent seen his at all but i still don't like him being near mine. i don't think the dsyphoria is cuasign the issue with his genitals though, but i don't knwo what is other than m ebeing asexual. in any case, i'm transgender in a way that means i don't feel like any gender at all, i fel genderles.s so I don't have a gender to to rienforce anwayys, Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 My bf and I are having the same problem so I totally understand. I don't have much advice since we're still struggling and often feel like we're going too slow for him (he is still sexual), but I wanted to add that you're not alone. The advice given was helpful for me as well. Thanks for creating this thread because I was always too scared to ask. : ) Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I would just take it VERY slowly and GRADUALLY work up to it. It may take a while. I had severe issues with male genitals due to trauma when I was with my first boyfriend, so I couldn't see or touch his at all... but he was so patient and willing to go at my own pace, let me initiate and generally just be in control enough that eventually I was able to feel comfortable enough. I still don't find them pleasant, but I also don't have a negative reaction... totally neutral. For me, lack of pressure and time was the only help. Though, if you end up not being able to at all, that's OK too. Some people just don't like certain things. You could perhaps try some stuff that DOESN'T involve touching or seeing, but still helps him? Like, kissing while he handles himself under a blanket? Or perhaps if you held a sleeve for him while he was covered by a blanket/towel it'd be less uncomfortable? Link to post Share on other sites
pitchblackonyx Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 thanks serran, helpful ifdeas there that w'ell be discugsing. :) what did you mean about holind a sleev though? i havent figurwed that out yet. sithgirlsx good luck with you and your boyfirend. Link to post Share on other sites
tkadlubo Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 "Sleeve" refers to a masturbation sleeve, a form of male sex toy. Two popular brands are FleshLight (warning: NSFW pictures) and Tenga. The former attempts at realistic representation of what female genitalia looks like, which some might consider to be a turn-off. The latter doesn't attempt any realism and does its own abstract thing. Such a toy opens new ways for sexual interaction, the general idea being that your partner's penis can penetrate the toy in a very pleasurable way. It is up to the two of you to decide who gets to handle the sleeve; which clothes stay on, and which get taken off; how much or how little touching, kissing, and cuddling between you and your partner happens; if there's light or darkness in your bedroom etc. I presume that initially you'll start the experiments with the safer options of less nakedness, less touching, only your partner handling the sleeve etc. Then you can experiment with different scenarios to find a setup that is the most comfortable and satisfying for both of you. Keep in mind that such an experimentation is not a one-way escalator that you must climb (e.g. more nakedness must be inherently better than less nakedness). With a lot of patience and open communication and some luck you are likely to reach some routine that makes sense for both of you. This is basically what works in my marriage with my asexual wife. Just thinking about how our marriage changed when I discovered Tenga brand masturbation sleeves makes me overwhelmed with joy and love for her. P.S. And most obviously, such toys can be used by your partner solo without any interaction or even knowledge on your part. Because why not—it's fun. Link to post Share on other sites
pitchblackonyx Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 oh! thanks for the explanation and links, i had no idea such items existed. such a hseltered life lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Allotasm Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Bear with me, but this is all going to be assault survivor sourced since that's my best analog. You could try nude touching that doesn't involve sexual touching, start with foot and backrubs, cuddling however you're comfortable, that sort of thing, so that his reactions are more normalized and less "oh no gross aaaa stop", and take his body and how it works outside of the context of that pressure. Maybe spend time watching him masturbate, but from a comfortable distance, have him tell you about what makes him feel good. There are lots of ways for him to get off without it involving things you don't like. Making the whole experience less scary seems like the best start. Its just a body and its just doing body things and its totally in the control of you and him and no prescribed " should be" has power in your space. Link to post Share on other sites
pitchblackonyx Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 thanks for your help allotams. hoepfullt that is going to be to way we'll go with this although without the nuidty on my part because i'm just not comofrtable with the idea. we're just ustarting to get me used to him beign in just boxers for brief moments now. (pun intended lol0 and we've been doing lots of cuddling :D and i'm gettin g used to stroking his back just abvoe the waistband of his trouers tpp. we're slowly making progress :) Link to post Share on other sites
Cheerful Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 You could view it as a plucked chicken hanging in the butcher shop. This won't help if you're a vegetarian, I suppose. The idea would be to imagine it as something you are relatively comfortable with. Link to post Share on other sites
pitchblackonyx Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 why would imaginig it as a plukced chicken in a btchers shop help me to do sexual things? am i missing something? Link to post Share on other sites
Cheerful Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Because raw chicken is as close to male anatomy and your going to get in look and feel. If you're comfortable holding a piece of raw chicken, just transfer that over. The idea is to imagine it's something else until you're okay with what it actually is. Link to post Share on other sites
pitchblackonyx Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 oh ok, it seemed treally wierd when i was thinking about an entir e chicken ihanging in a butchers shop, i mean, that's a wwerid place to e doing somethiogn sexual! also i'm not overly familir with male anamtoy but i don't think it's henerally very chickn-shaped Link to post Share on other sites
Cheerful Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I suppose that would be weird, come to think of it, but I'm going with how I got over my fear of spiders. I had bought a cute stuffed toy spider first, which I could hold. After that, I bought a rubber halloween version that I couldn't touch, but could look at comfortably. Now, I can be in the same room with a real spider without running for the hills, and can catch it in a jar to put outside. My first thought was to imagine a boiled shrimp riding a walnut, but that seemed somehow insulting. :D Link to post Share on other sites
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