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Advice on coming to terms with asexuality?


Perfectly Pointless

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Perfectly Pointless

This is my first time trying to explain how I feel, so forgive me if I'm not very good at phrasing certain emotions or thoughts. A few weeks ago I saw one of my internet friends talking about something called 'asexuality' and being the curious person I am, I did some research. Whilst reading a few articles about it, I felt quite strange. I felt like I could relate to these people talking about their experiences, and I was able to grasp the concept of not experiencing sexual attraction very easily. I read a definition and thought "That sounds exactly like me...".

I started to think about how I've acted over the last few years compared to others around me. Being in a secondary school full of other teenagers who are just experiencing their first feelings of sexual desire, you would have thought that I would have had some of that too? But, nope. I've never been interested in sex.

A few examples, in philosophy class a few weeks back our teacher said "Looking at the human body and human lifestyle, you could say that as humans our only purpose is to reproduce"

And I thought "What if I don't want to do that? Is it a problem if I don't want to have sex and reproduce?" And this actually upset me quite a lot, and I'm still mulling that one over even now. I also feel extremely uncomfortable when someone asks me a sexual question, and it's not just a bit embarrassed. I mean that I hate talking or thinking about sexual things in too much detail. Sex scenes in books make me feel uncomfortable, and I'll often skip a few pages when I come across anything sexually explicit. Just the thought of sex repulses me. Having sex isn't an experience I want to have.

I've tried talking to people, but they've just said that I "Haven't met the right person" Or that "In a few years you'll feel differently"

What if I don't? Because I don't feel like it's a phase, and I don't feel like I'm going to 'grow out of it'.

Someone said "You just haven't had the experience yet, when you try it you'll love it" But that's the thing. I don't want to try it, because I know I'll regret it if I do. I know myself too well, and similar things have happened in the past. I still regret my first kiss, and if I find it difficult to let things like a kiss go, if I regret my first time having sex then I'm going to be distraught. I have decided that even if it takes me a long time to come to terms with the fact, I'm most likely asexual. I'm just finding it difficult to accept myself at the moment :/

I'm not in a romantic relationship and I never have been, so sex isn't the problem for now. But I also feel like my romantic orientation isn't what everyone expects it to be either.

I don't think I'm aromantic, but I do think I could be either demiromantic or akoiromantic. I experience a small amount of romantic attraction, but when the person they are directed towards tries to make advances on a relationship, I feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable and start to push them away, but I feel guilty for doing so.

I really don't know who I am anymore, and I would love to try and find some sort of comfort that someone knows what I'm talking about x3 I guess what I'm asking here is has anyone had any similar experiences, and does anyone have any advice on y'know, my asexuality and romantic orientation? ^^'

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Right.

Ignore the people who say "it's a phase/you haven't met the right person/you'll grow out of it". In fact, tell them where to shove it.

You're not here to reproduce, nor do anything just so people will find you acceptable/normal/whatever.

You are here to live your life in the way you see fit. And if that bothers other people, again, they can shove it.

Hang around here, read as much as you can and you'll eventually find your niche, but give yourself time (and cake :cake: )

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Hi, first of all welcome!

Also don't worry, there are so many people like you on here. I think you'll feel good here!

If you want me to give you some personal background, I've never been in a relationship either and I'm 20. All my friends are in a relationships or having crushes on people, but I don't. I haven't have a lot of crushes in my life, maybe 2 or 3. I'm not repulsed by the idea of a romantic relationship, I'd welcome it, but I don't seek it heavily. As for my asexuality, I'm still a bit awkward when everyone talks about sex around me. But I actually felt worse when I didn't know I was asexual than I do now. Because I thought I was the only one and that there was something wrong with me. Now that I know I'm not, I have kinda accepted it.

Just know that it's alright to push people away if you don't want to be in a relationship with them. You don't have to feel guilty about anything because you are not.

What I would advise you is to spend some time here and see that we are an entire community of people just like you, who welcome and accept you as who you are. You are not alone. I'm sure you'll come to terms with it eventually. If you want to talk to me further, you can PM me if you want :)

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Schattenschatz

I can definitely identify with what you are going through. Your experience sounds very similar to mine in my mid-teen years.

In my case, when I felt that need to push people away when they made romantic advances, it would usually be because either I was afraid that they might ask for sex or any other physical 'favors' I wasn't willing to give, or because emotionally it just didn't feel quite right to be in an actual relationship with them. It would be fun and flattering to flirt, but when I imagined actually committing to the person I could always think ahead to the point at which we would eventually break up, and it would just seem like a waste of time and effort, as well as setting myself up for emotional fallout. Since I never had the motivation of a sex drive and in fact dreaded anyone asking me for sex, that was just another reason to stay out of relationships. I also felt guilty about not pursuing relationships in my younger years; partially because I was afraid I was leading people on, but also because I think there's the prevalent idea that we're all supposed to be seeking relationships all the time and there's something wrong with us if we don't. Maybe you have similar feelings. I would suggest examining why you feel that way; not because it's wrong to feel that way or because you should try to change it, but because you will feel a lot more comfortable when you more clearly understand your feelings towards romance and relationships. And there is no reason to feel guilty; you are not obligated to be romantically involved with anyone, ever.

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I can tell you from experience that "once you try it you'll like it" is a false premise. I went into it wanting to know, and comfortable with the concept, so I've suffered no stress or regret, but nor did I have some grand epiphany that made me see the light. If you feel that you would regret it, don't let any one convince you to try anyway. That's coercion and is a terrible, cruel thing to do, even if people think they're doing it with good intentions.

To be more comfortable in your own skin, explore your reactions to thoughts, words, and concepts surounding sexuality and sexual things, as much as you can bear. Know, with certainty in your own mind, how you feel about things. Be aware that others will disbeleive no matter how convinced you are and how logical your arguments. These people's opinions should not effect yours. It brings to mind a quote I love... "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter".

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First of all, welcome! We have cake. :cake:

About what you said here:

A few examples, in philosophy class a few weeks back our teacher said "Looking at the human body and human lifestyle, you could say that as humans our only purpose is to reproduce"
And I thought "What if I don't want to do that? Is it a problem if I don't want to have sex and reproduce?"

I had a few thoughts about that as I read it:

a) That teacher makes it sound like our reproductive organs take up most of the real estate in our meatsuits, which is a highly amusing mental image. But I need that space for my stomach so I can eat more cake.

b) I'm pretty sure I've got a lot of other things to have fun doing that don't involve reproducing in any way, shape, or form. Like petting cats. And watching another episode. Preferably simultaneously.

c) Sure, I can kinda see their point, and there's probably something more to the context here, but it's a very reductive statement. Interesting for thought experiments only and not at all useful for daily life.

d) If you want to talk biology, we can talk biology! In the big picture view, yeah, only things that reproduce successfully are going to stick around to see the next age. But if you zoom in on the picture a bit, in order to do that, biology is all about throwing out weird stuff, and then sometimes, some of it adapts really well to the circumstances. Exceptions are almost the rule in biology. Zoom in even further, and you can see that individuals within a population can be wildly different from each other. Keeps it interesting!
So is it a problem if you don't want to have sex and reproduce? Not at all! (Besides the fact that there are more than enough people doing that already.) You might just be an outlier where biology tried something interesting, and now you can see what happens. I hope this is making sense here... Basically, being different is inherent in being a living being. It's cool! You do you, and no apologies!


Anyhow, if talking to people IRL isn't going so great, just hop back on the forums here. You're definitely not alone! I'd also suggest analyzing what's getting you down, and looking at how you might be putting pressure on yourself to do what is "expected", and if that's really necessary.
It's good to have you here, and may you find a slice of cake peace sooner rather than later!

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To add to what Selaphorus said, there is likely an evolutionary reason for the sexual diversity we see in humans. We are communal beings. We strive to build bonds with larger groups: that is when we are healthiest.

Sexually active hetero couples produce children. Producing and raising children is a great energy drain. In order to keep the communities that humans build working, there need to be people who do not spend energy in that way. For the continuation of the community.

In our form of community, procreation is not the only way to make a lasting impact or contribution. Take Jane Austin as a starting point and example.

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Welcome to AVEN! :cake:

Stay upbeat about everything and never let anyone pressure you into doing or feeling anything you don't want to. Your feelings toward sex and romantic attraction are absolutely valid and not as uncommon as many might think. As you explore the forums, you will find many who feel very similar to you. I don't think I'm completely similar to you with my feelings toward sexual attraction, but your feelings about romance sound similar to my own. I feel romantic feelings with certain people I grow close to, but if they try to take it into a realm of a "relationship" I sort of panic and push them away. If it helps, what I've found brings me a degree of happiness (I'm 29 at the moment), is seeking out more "open" relationships with people who aren't looking to put a label on things. In this way, I've developed some strong "more than friendships" where I can feel very close to someone without it feeling stifling or feeling like I'm being pressured into anything. Perhaps that's something that you might find worthwhile, as well!

Good luck!

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Perfectly Pointless

I can tell you from experience that "once you try it you'll like it" is a false premise. I went into it wanting to know, and comfortable with the concept, so I've suffered no stress or regret, but nor did I have some grand epiphany that made me see the light. If you feel that you would regret it, don't let any one convince you to try anyway. That's coercion and is a terrible, cruel thing to do, even if people think they're doing it with good intentions.

To be more comfortable in your own skin, explore your reaxctions to thoughts, words, and concepts surounding sexuality and sexual things, as much as you can bear. Know, with certainty in your own mind, how you feel about things. Be aware that others will disbeleive no matter how convinced you are and how logical your arguments. These people's oppinions should not effect yours. It brings to mind a quote I love... "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter".

I really like that quote ^-^ Its very heartwarming and reassuring and it's very true. Thank you!

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A few examples, in philosophy class a few weeks back our teacher said "Looking at the human body and human lifestyle, you could say that as humans our only purpose is to reproduce"

That's speaking purely from an evolutionary standpoint and shouldn't be taken all too seriously. We're more interesting creatures than that.

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Hai!!! Welcome to AVEN.

I was sort of in your shoes, and still am with with not wanting to engage in sex. I don't want it, or need it and am grossed out by it. Sex scenes in movies make me uncomfortable and I end up looking away. And "the talk" was never in my comfort zone. I had to oppress my feelings to appear more "grown up."

When I was in middle school, the kids(usually the guys) were beginning to mature sexually and I was stuck behind so to speak, but didn't think much about it. In high school, everybody either wanted sex, or had it, and some of the girls were pregnant. My few friends (I wasn't all that popular) thought I was odd for not looking for a sexual partner. I think it was 10th grade before I entered a phase where I pretended to hit sexual maturity(I didn't realize that I lacked sexual attraction because of asexuality, not because of not hitting maturity) by mimicking the other kids thinking I was going to escape sexual harassment and also blend in with the "cool" kids. Didn't accomplish much, but then on a monday at catechism a few years back, I decided on a pledge for cellibacy, until marriage and I couldn't relate to the other kids who fought the pledge and ultimately refused, and that's when I started actually feeling different. Sex wasn't my goal, and idiots would say things like "but sex is in our nature. You can't neglect your sexuality! Your body needs it! Your girlfriend will eventually start bugging you for sex!" Blah blah blah. Pfft. Sure. And me and my girlfriend have been together for how long? 5 years? I gave up the pledge and realized it wouldn't make a difference.

After graduation, I opened up and starting researching sexuality, and one thing led to another and then I discovered asexuality and then realized that I had reached sexual maturity, I just lacked sexual attraction and the kids in school constantly shoving their craving for sex in my face made me think I was a "late bloomer" and eventually "I'd find the right one." Yeah. Sure. I'm going to be 21 in April.

I agree with scottthespy. If you're uncomfortable, don't let people force you. In fact get yourself out of the situation if it becomes too much to handle.

Once again, welcome to AVEN. Everybody here is kind and welcoming, and you can bet nobody here is going to judge you for how you feel. I often come here to escape the sex obcessed majority so I don't have to feel broken for having a different sexual orientation.

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