Confused and Terrified

[HH81]

Hello everyone! I just joined and first I just wanna say that I'm so damn impressed in the AVEN community. Nothing but kindness here as far as I can tell! Which is good; I'm afraid I need some of that kindness now, because I need to share something that has me consumed with shame, despair and confusion.

I am a 24 year old virgin, and I have a persistent erectile dysfunction problem. Both with women in bed and by myself. For a long time, I put it down to being possibly asexual, but recently things have changed and I am not so sure. I know nobody can say for sure but me, but I just wanna explain a few things about myself, and hear what people have to say. Maybe it's like this for someone else out there.

While sex has never really been a big priority for me, I certainly have amorous or romantic feelings. And I've always enjoyed porn and masturbating. I really like kissing too, and having a women's hands on me. And I like pleasuring women. And I wanna be in love, in fact I have been before. But on the few (6) occasions I've been alone with a girl I couldn't get it up. So after a few years I just thought "you know, maybe sex isn't for me." Sure I want a girlfriend, but you can be an asexual who dates.

But I wasn't sure, so I saw a shrink about it. He told me it was probably performance anxiety, that after that first time I just kept psyching myself out. Also, I've never been in a really sexual situation with someone I was really attracted to. Emotionally or physically. I just pressured myself into those situations because I was ashamed and lonely.

I also got checked out by a urologist, who asked me if I got "morning wood." When I told him no, he told me it's probably physical. Could be nerve damage from a back injury from years ago. That's really fucking bad because nerve damage doesn't heal. But he also told me that I might not be waking up at the right time, on account of my weird work schedule.

So, I don't know if I'm asexual or not, but I very much hope that I am. There is dignity in that. I could be among a group of kind, and understanding people. Because the possibility of being physically impotent makes me feel like the most pathetic man on earth. It makes me feel like nothing. The idea of a lifetime of sexual frustration and torment and loneliness makes me want to die! I'm serious! God, I swear!

So, if anyone can help me please do, I'm completely desperate.

Thank you for reading this. I really hope I can call myself one of you.

[argar]

Welcome to AVEN.

I am sorry you are going through such a tough time right now.

I think if venting helps you should do as much as you need, I know some of the awesome people in the site will respond.

All I can really offer in the way of any kind of comfort, is that speaking just from a purely objective point of view, I think the fact you are mobile in itself is a great thing.

I have never had an orgasm while masturbating, so sex has never been a priority to me.

I also echo your feelings of being romantic with a woman, but don't really focus on it because the possibility for that seems so remote to me.

I think whether you can call one of us or not, that should not take away your ability to talk with people that can sympathize with some of the things you are going through.

I hope some of the above brings even a little comfort.

Have a beautiful night.

[freewill-gray]

Hi!
I hope you'll accept yourself, and cope with your problem.
As i think, you are not pathetic. Pathetic men are those, who think getting laid as many women as they can makes them a real man.
But that's not the case. There is so much more ethical way to be a real man.
If you are asexual and you feel content about yourself, then it's fine :D
I'm 21, still virgin, and i reached that level where i don't care what society thinks about it.
Love yourself, that's the way to live i think

[Autumn Sunrise]

Welcome to AVEN, HH81. People here are very caring and supportive; everyone has a story to tell, and some have been through a great deal and managed to come through stronger and happier than they ever expected. Someone here may have just the right experience to help you.

But you need to be clear about something: being physically impotent is probably not as uncommon as you think, and it absolutely would not make you a pathetic man, or a nothing. Manliness, and personal worth, depend on you - your character, and the way you treat other people - not your penis. And if asexual is what you turn out to be, there are so many people here who can tell you that it's not a bad thing to be.

Certainly at the moment it's natural for you to be feeling a lot of confusion, but you shouldn't despair, and there is definitely no need for shame.

And whatever happens, you are certainly one of us.

[Perseus]

Welcome to AVEN. I am going to help you out.

[Cheerful]

I believe your Urologist has steered you wrong.

"I've always enjoyed porn and masturbating." You are capable of an erection, so rule out nerve damage.

"I've never been in a really sexual situation with someone I was really attracted to." Could it be that you need to have that romantic attraction?

Society tells men that they must be ready to boink anyone at at time and actively pursue that to be men. Society also tells women that they must be constantly dieting, have enormous breasts and fish lips to be attractive.

Add to that, we must be wealthy, successful in our careers, meet 'The One', have a obscenely expensive wedding, then two perfect children and on and on and on.

You don't have to drop out of society to buck the trend, but you do have to flip it the bird and courageously live your own life.

From what I see, you're a normal male with normal plumbing. Your genitalia is just more selective than you are. :)

[Member54880]

Welcome! Sorry you feel that way, and that you've dealt with the pressure to be in sexual situations. If you're impotent, you're not a lesser person for it. I don't intend to shame you for feeling that way, but it's disturbing how much that idea is internalized, and pushed onto others. There's so much more to you as a person than your ability to have sex!

[Froggles]

Welcome to AVEN ! Everyone is unique and it's impossible to know exactly how things are for you, but it sounds like your situation is at least functionally very similar to mine. I enjoy masturbation, find women attractive, and do find some level of enjoyment in "intimate" settings. For me, however, the "turned on" part of my brain just completely shuts off when I enter an intimate situation with another person. That, of course, usually includes a lack of erection. I do feel a little down about it sometimes (no pun intended), but once I accepted how my brain works and started to really explore it further, I've found that understanding myself has really brought quite a bit of joy to my life. Sex really isn't a necessary thing for me, and once I stopped beating myself up about it then I really was able to move on.

If it continues to bother you, then it may be worth getting some further medical opinion to investigate whether it's a mental or physical thing going on for you. You absolutely should not feel like "the most pathetic man on Earth," though! A man is significantly more than simply what happens during his intimate life. Do what you can where you can, and otherwise take time to just appreciate life for all of the beauty and wonder it provides!|

Edit: I just want to add that being physically aroused (i.e. having an erection) can be completely independent from being mentally "turned on." For me, sometimes a mental stimuli can trigger an erection. Many times, I can find myself mentally aroused, but not have an erection. Other times, I can be mentally "checked out," but a physical sensation can trigger an erection. Other times, I may not be able to become physically aroused no matter what. So, I suppose you could say it's certainly a complicated subject matter!