Am I even actually asexual?

[Graceling7]

Hi

I'm new here and have been trying my best to figure out where I fit based on what other people have shared, but I've been having a hard time of it. Basically, I'm confused. I was hoping someone here could help out?

I often look at people and find them attractive. I am turned on by other people (both male and female), as well as by porn, written erotica, and my own imaginings. I masturbate frequently. However, the thought of actually having sex with another person disgusts me. I have had one kiss and found it to be awkward and unpleasant. I have never had sex. Part of me wants to, just to see what all the hype is about...but even picturing myself having sex with someone I find to be extremely attractive completely turns me off.

I keep reading that asexuality is defined primarily as not being sexually attracted to others. For me, this is not the case...where do I fit? Can I be considered as some type of asexual?

Thanks

[Guest]

Hi

I'm new here and have been trying my best to figure out where I fit based on what other people have shared, but I've been having a hard time of it. Basically, I'm confused. I was hoping someone here could help out?

I often look at people and find them attractive. I am turned on by other people (both male and female), as well as by porn, written erotica, and my own imaginings. I masturbate frequently. However, the thought of actually having sex with another person disgusts me. I have had one kiss and found it to be awkward and unpleasant. I have never had sex. Part of me wants to, just to see what all the hype is about...but even picturing myself having sex with someone I find to be extremely attractive completely turns me off.

I keep reading that asexuality is defined primarily as not being sexually attracted to others. For me, this is not the case...where do I fit? Can I be considered as some type of asexual?

Thanks

There has been tons and tons of discussion, very heated at times, in the last half year on here whether AVEN's definition is any good or not.

In my opinion, if you don't have an innate/intrinsic desire for partnered sex, you are asexual. No ifs, no buts; and that's the only criterion. I've always found the "sexual attraction" talk to just be unneccessarily complicating things.

[Philip027]

What you've written about yourself strikes me as the position of a sex-repulsed sexual (yes, they do exist). But that's just my impression and it's still up to you to identify.

When it comes down to it though, some people that fall under that category elect to identify as asexual anyway, if their repulsion is so strong that they would never desire sexual interactions anyway.

[Guest]

What you've written about yourself strikes me as the position of a sex-repulsed sexual (yes, they do exist). But that's just my impression and it's still up to you to identify.

When it comes down to it though, some people that fall under that category elect to identify as asexual anyway, if their repulsion is so strong that they would never desire sexual interactions anyway.

I think the best indicator there is the question whether they have to struggle to abstain or not. Asexuals can be celibate for an indefinite amount of time without any stress or "temptation". Repulsed sexuals, in contrast, will be fighting against their own "dirty urges" one heck of a lot when striving for celibacy.

[SithLord]

It seems to me that you're not ace , but you're still welcome here.

Mysticus Insanus is incorrect in their definition of asexuality. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, not the lack of a desire for sex or lack of partnered sex. The AVEN front page says this and contradicts them.

But there are people on AVEN who appear to feel similarly. Here's a thread about Lithsexuality: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/95322-lithsexuality/ The lith- prefix is used here to mean the lack of desire for reciprocation. So lithromantic refers to people who feel romantically attracted to others but don't want that feeling reciprocated. This short thread (it's locked and from about 2 years ago) brought up the idea of lithsexuality.

I'd look for more on the subject, but I don't have the time right now. Thought I'd mention it, however.

EDIT: Mysticus Insanus's definition is not wrong. Our discussion on the matter is later in this thread, but I wanted to make it known on the original post that while I don't personally agree with the definition they use, it is supported by AVEN.

Edited February 12, 2015 by sithgirlix

[SithLord]

What you've written about yourself strikes me as the position of a sex-repulsed sexual (yes, they do exist). But that's just my impression and it's still up to you to identify.

When it comes down to it though, some people that fall under that category elect to identify as asexual anyway, if their repulsion is so strong that they would never desire sexual interactions anyway.

I think the best indicator there is the question whether they have to struggle to abstain or not. Asexuals can be celibate for an indefinite amount of time without any stress or "temptation". Repulsed sexuals, in contrast, will be fighting against their own "dirty urges" one heck of a lot when striving for celibacy.

I don't think that's correct. I think asexuals with libidos need to have sex (masturbation at least) every so often.

Though I would be interested in how a repulsed sexual feels during their day-to-day lives.

[ellastokes]

To me this kind of indicates sex-repulsed allosexual. But you could be gray-ace if you never wanna do it. In the end, only YOU can decide where you fit.

[Guest]

Mysticus Insanus is incorrect in their definition of asexuality. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, not the lack of a desire for sex or lack of partnered sex. The AVEN front page says this and contradicts them.

By US-AVEN's definition. That's most definitely not the only definition of asexuality there is, and there's no indication whatsoever that US-AVEN's definition is "the correct" one.

As for contradictions, just read up on all the threads made on the topic. AVEN's own FAQ actually supports my view, so if there is any contradiction, it is internal to AVEN itself, not due to me.

I don't think that's correct. I think asexuals with libidos need to have sex (masturbation at least) every so often.

Though I would be interested in how a repulsed sexual feels during their day-to-day lives.

Sex and masturbation are very different things, otherwise having a libido at all would mean you're not asexual. Aces do not have a desire for partnered sex, masturbation is irrelevant to that question.

[Star Bit]

They're not sex repulsed, just self imagining sex repulsed. Asexuals can find imagining themselves having sex unarousing, and even as far as repulsion.

Sexual attraction is both composed of arousal and desire. Having one is not fully sexual attraction/is just arousal or undirected desire. If you do not want to have sex irl then you can identify as asexual.

Aesthetic attraction: a fixation on someone because of their looks and or manerisms.

[CynicalSerenade]

Your situation is like mine. There has been a couple times where I may have wanted to try sex with my friends, but I'm sure I'm not sexually attracted to them. With people I find attractive, I sometimes get turned on, but I don't actually want to have sex with those people. I'm a somewhat sex-repulsed sexual. You're probably the same.

[SithLord]

Mysticus Insanus is incorrect in their definition of asexuality. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, not the lack of a desire for sex or lack of partnered sex. The AVEN front page says this and contradicts them.

By US-AVEN's definition. That's most definitely not the only definition of asexuality there is, and there's no indication whatsoever that US-AVEN's definition is "the correct" one.

As for contradictions, just read up on all the threads made on the topic. AVEN's own FAQ actually supports my view, so if there is any contradiction, it is internal to AVEN itself, not due to me.

I don't think that's correct. I think asexuals with libidos need to have sex (masturbation at least) every so often.

Though I would be interested in how a repulsed sexual feels during their day-to-day lives.

Sex and masturbation are very different things, otherwise having a libido at all would mean you're not asexual. Aces do not have a desire for partnered sex, masturbation is irrelevant to that question.

Care to point out the FAQ that says that? I'm looking but all I can find is evidence that supports my argument, so maybe I'm looking in the wrong place?

But since we're on AVEN, I'm using AVEN's definition and not others. So I still say you're wrong.

But I agree masturbation =/= sex, though I have known asexuals to enjoy partnered sex and desire it with a person who they want to make feel good or make themselves feel good with that person, so disagree about the partnered sex part.

[Guest]

From AVEN's General FAQ:

Sexual attraction: Desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them

(Last Item in the "Definitions" Block, immediately under the links at the top.)

In other words, when you couple this with the top-of-site banner: An asexual is a person who does not have the desire for sexual contact with someone else. That statement is "official AVEN policy".

I have known asexuals to enjoy partnered sex and desire it with a person who they want to make feel good or make themselves feel good with that person, so disagree about the partnered sex part.

Enjoyment =/= desire.

As for wanting to have sex in order to please a partner, that's why I think the innate/internal bit is important. Someone who wants to have sex with their partner, and not for secondary reasons (pregnancy, pleasing their partner, etc.), but for the sensation of sex itself, is not asexual.

[SithLord]

From AVEN's General FAQ:

Sexual attraction: Desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them

(Last Item in the "Definitions" Block, immediately under the links at the top.)

In other words, when you couple this with the top-of-site banner: An asexual is a person who does not have the desire for sexual contact with someone else. That statement is "official AVEN policy".

You're right. I didn't notice that definition there.

So I agree that your definition has merits (I personally disagree but agree to not argue it here since it is the site now I have an issue with).

So then can we both agree that what the OP means by "I often look at people and find them attractive." she means aesthetic attraction, and not physical attraction?

[Guest]

You're right. I didn't notice that definition there.

So I agree that your definition has merits (I personally disagree but agree to not argue it here since it is the site now I have an issue with).

So then can we both agree that what the OP means by "I often look at people and find them attractive." she means aesthetic attraction, and not physical attraction?

I personally try to avoid the word "attraction" completely by now... but yeah, I do agree that "in AVEN talk", what the OP talks about is likely to be aesthetic attraction. :)

EDIT: Thanks for editing your post up there. :)

[SithLord]

You're right. I didn't notice that definition there.

So I agree that your definition has merits (I personally disagree but agree to not argue it here since it is the site now I have an issue with).

So then can we both agree that what the OP means by "I often look at people and find them attractive." she means aesthetic attraction, and not physical attraction?

I personally try to avoid the word "attraction" completely by now... but yeah, I do agree that "in AVEN talk", what the OP talks about is likely to be aesthetic attraction. :)

I agree that avoiding the word "attraction" would've made this a lot less confusing. : ) I'm glad we could come to an understanding.

[Guest]

I'm similar as you but in contrary to you I'm repulsed by porn but erotica can be OK. You look as demisexual. I don't think you are strongly sex repulsed because porn doesn't make you repulsed. So you can be sex-repulsed but only towards intercourse.

Have some

[Tarfeather]

I think the best indicator there is the question whether they have to struggle to abstain or not. Asexuals can be celibate for an indefinite amount of time without any stress or "temptation". Repulsed sexuals, in contrast, will be fighting against their own "dirty urges" one heck of a lot when striving for celibacy.

So how would you distinguish a low sex drive, sex-repulsed sexual from an asexual? Or would you call a heterosexual with a weak sex drive that they have no "need" to fulfill(yet who's perfectly willing and able to enjoy sex with their partner if given the chance) asexual? I'm genuinely curious about your definition here.

[Guest]

I think the best indicator there is the question whether they have to struggle to abstain or not. Asexuals can be celibate for an indefinite amount of time without any stress or "temptation". Repulsed sexuals, in contrast, will be fighting against their own "dirty urges" one heck of a lot when striving for celibacy.

So how would you distinguish a low sex drive, sex-repulsed sexual from an asexual? Or would you call a heterosexual with a weak sex drive that they have no "need" to fulfill(yet who's perfectly willing and able to enjoy sex with their partner if given the chance) asexual? I'm genuinely curious about your definition here.

If their libido is so weak that they never feel any noticeable desire for sexual activities, then I'd say that they're at the very least gray-a, and yes, quite likely fully asexual. I also consider all nonlibidoists to be asexual by default (though the reverse is obviously not true - all nonlibs are aces, but not all aces are nonlib).

I see absolutely no point in calling someone "heterosexual" if they don't desire to actually boink folks of the opposite sex.

[Bronte]

Hi

I'm new here and have been trying my best to figure out where I fit based on what other people have shared, but I've been having a hard time of it. Basically, I'm confused. I was hoping someone here could help out?

I often look at people and find them attractive. I am turned on by other people (both male and female), as well as by porn, written erotica, and my own imaginings. I masturbate frequently. However, the thought of actually having sex with another person disgusts me. I have had one kiss and found it to be awkward and unpleasant. I have never had sex. Part of me wants to, just to see what all the hype is about...but even picturing myself having sex with someone I find to be extremely attractive completely turns me off.

I keep reading that asexuality is defined primarily as not being sexually attracted to others. For me, this is not the case...where do I fit? Can I be considered as some type of asexual?

Thanks

This to me sounds like you are sexual and experience sexual attraction because you are turned on by both males and females who you find attractive, but repulsed by the thought of having sex yourself, there could be a number of reasons, the thought of sharing bodily fluids etc..so would not think in my opinion you are asexual, but sex-repulsed sexual.

I've seen it so many times on AVEN how people seem to beat themselves up over trying to fit into a label, I don't agree with AVEN's definition of asexual anyway, if you feel somewhere between the two, then grey-asexual might be more appropriate, really only you can know what feels right for you.

[Member54880]

The "lack of intrinsic desire for partnered" sex definition may be more clear, but by "turned on", do you mean sexual attraction or the desire for sex, even though you strongly don't want to act on it? I can't say what you are, but it's possible to be repulsed by sex while still experiencing sexual attraction or desire. Asexual or not, you're still welcome here!

[Tarfeather]

If their libido is so weak that they never feel any noticeable desire for sexual activities, then I'd say that they're at the very least gray-a, and yes, quite likely fully asexual.

That is merely a measuring problem. A strongly sex repulsed person with weak sex drive might not be able to "notice" or "admit" their desire for sexual activities. A person with the same level of sex drive, yet no repulsion, might experience a slight desire/craving for sexual activities, albeit none that would make them feel significantly uncomfortable or disappointed if they can not meet this desire. You might call these people gray-a, but I consider them to be fundamentally different from actual asexuals, who do not have this desire/craving to begin with.

The distinction is very present in my mind because I've personally been in a relationship with both a low sex drive sexual, and a fully fledged aro ace, and I could not possibly put these two people into the same category of sexual orientation. One will be able to experiment and to develop their sexuality further; The other might try, but in the end it will become clear that it simply not something they can feel or experience the way sexuals can. Sexual repulsion is something you might "change", asexuality is not.

[Graceling7]

Thanks everyone so much! The discussion here is helping quite a bit!

The "lack of intrinsic desire for partnered" sex definition may be more clear, but by "turned on", do you mean sexual attraction or the desire for sex, even though you strongly don't want to act on it? I can't say what you are, but it's possible to be repulsed by sex while still experiencing sexual attraction or desire. Asexual or not, you're still welcome here!

I would just like to clarify that when I say "turned on" I mean I desire sexual release, just not with the person who has made me feel this way. Usually I just take care of it myself later ( ), but I am never picturing a specific person/people in my mind.

[Guest]

I would just like to clarify that when I say "turned on" I mean I desire sexual release, just not with the person who has made me feel this way. Usually I just take care of it myself later ( ), but I am never picturing a specific person/people in my mind.

Sounds asexual to me.

That is merely a measuring problem. A strongly sex repulsed person with weak sex drive might not be able to "notice" or "admit" their desire for sexual activities. A person with the same level of sex drive, yet no repulsion, might experience a slight desire/craving for sexual activities, albeit none that would make them feel significantly uncomfortable or disappointed if they can not meet this desire. You might call these people gray-a, but I consider them to be fundamentally different from actual asexuals, who do not have this desire/craving to begin with.

The distinction is very present in my mind because I've personally been in a relationship with both a low sex drive sexual, and a fully fledged aro ace, and I could not possibly put these two people into the same category of sexual orientation. One will be able to experiment and to develop their sexuality further; The other might try, but in the end it will become clear that it simply not something they can feel or experience the way sexuals can. Sexual repulsion is something you might "change", asexuality is not.

Sounds similiar to the argument that pops up on AVEN every once in a while that the earliest point n time when you can tell whether you are ace, or a demisexual who never found the right partner, is on your deathbed. (Which, logically, is a sound statement, but I find it lacking in pragmatic applicability.) Also, if the aro ace is both non-repulsed and very adventurous/experimentative, and the low drive sexual is repulsed, you'll likely get a much more active sex live with the aro ace than with the low-lib sexual, and the former will be better compatible with a "normal" sexual in terms of shared, fulfilling sex life than the latter, despite their orientations being closer in theory.

What I'm saying - you know I'm always down for a game of epistemological speculation, but in the end, if they don't feel the desire, then for all practical intents and purposes they are asexual right now. We can never make an objectively true statement anyway, right? And that includes statements about orientation, including one's own. Boil any statement down enough, and it becomes a matter of faith. There's simply no practical use in identifying as anything else than ace if someone has never felt the desire for partnered sex, as asexuality is the most fitting, most probable, and fully consistent theory in terms of probabilities for such a person.

(Don't mind Tar and me. We go way back babbling big-worded theories at each other like that. :lol: )

[Tarfeather]

What I'm saying - you know I'm always down for a game of epistemological speculation, but in the end, if they don't feel the desire, then for all practical intents and purposes they are asexual right now. We can never make an objectively true statement anyway, right? And that includes statements about orientation, including one's own. Boil any statement down enough, and it becomes a matter of faith. There's simply no practical use in identifying as anything else than ace if someone has never felt the desire for partnered sex, as asexuality is the most fitting, most probable, and fully consistent theory in terms of probabilities for such a person.

I can mostly agree to that, but that's because we're talking so generally here. If someone has a practical and fully identifiable reason to be sex-repulsed, and they are working to change that reason, then it becomes relevant whether this will affect their desire to have sex. I think it's just the idea of "nope, not asexual anymore" that irks me a little.

I think what I'm saying is basically this: Being sexual isn't something that always forces itself onto your consciousness. Some sexuals can't ignore their being sexual. But some sexuals would be capable of this given the proper motivation. The latter category is very difficult to deal with, because nobody on the "outside" can possibly determine what they are. All I'm saying is, if you fall into this category, then you shouldn't by default assume that you're asexual just because you're happy not having sex. As you say, it is much more complicated than that, and there's really no reason not to doubt a little and investigate further.

[Galaxia]

Labeling yourself as asexual or sexual is up only to you, I think. No one can determine that, but you. If you want to identify what makes people asexual, it is even a worse situation. I've never based my definition of asexuality on this sexual attraction thing, because I think it is something more complicated. Since there is the spectrum of asexuality, I bet it can have many variations: from not having a libido at all to not feeling the natural need in partnered sex. So you can surely fit somewhere in between, I guess.

[shockkkk]

Your situation is complicated. IMO, if you have no desire to actually engage sexually with other people you're asexual. If you feel like you do want to have sex with other people but are at the same time disgusted by it, then I would say you are not. I personally would lean to you being asexual based on your description but that's just me. Contrary to what other people have said in this thread, being turned on by people has jack shit to do with being asexual.

[werevampire]

Hmm I dont see why not.

[GrayAgenderNoPenetray]

it repulses you?? i don't know if that is just being sexually repulsed or if that's asexual. it comes down to desire. when it comes to myself i have no desire at all, i'm not suppressing anything, i could easily go the rest of my life without ever having sex and i'd feel no different than i do now. i'm also new here as well and i saw a post earlier that i can't find. my story relates to this post as well as i have that same question in mind. for example, i do enjoy kissing, lips, neck, etc.... i'd enjoy that part of it but then have had no desire to move forward and have sex with her or anyone at all for that matter which is why i consider myself Gray A instead of Asexual. some people don't seem to understand, i just don't want to have sex... with anyone.. no desire to have actual sex with another person but i do experience feelings of attraction from time to time. "wow, something about her that 's so beautiful" "i like the way she moves, it's attractive" if we ended up getting to know each other and the attraction was mutual kissing would be even more enjoyable. then if we got to know each other a bit better that attraction may grow... So then, kissing..... yes, lots of kissing, foreplay type activity, massaging, etc.. but no desire to actually have penetration sex with her or receive oral sex AT ALL... no desire to have penetration sex or oral sex of any kind with anyone whatsoever.....let's put it this way. if having sex didn't exist, just foreplay and then everyone went their own separate ways to masturbate i'd be living in a perfect world. i'll pleasure her orally if she likes that but i'm okay in that department.. in other words, forget about whats in between my legs. that's a no fly zone basically.. so i consider myself gray A. i'd say demi but those passing moments where i've experienced attraction for those i may not know well exclude me from that. well that's my story. so it's kinda like ummmmmm...