I don't understand relationships!

[ruby4]

Hey people, sorry if this question has been discussed somewhere else. I'm new here and haven't had a chance to read everything yet.

So as you know from the title, I don't understand relationships. I've realized that I'm asexual and this really helped me understand why I have so little desire to find a boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever (I assume I'm straight but I'm not really sure? I'm so confused right now!) Anyways, I used to think that dating was just a fancy way of getting people to have sex with you. I suppose this isn't usually the case and relationships can be much deeper than that, but I don't see what makes a romantic relationship so special. Someone once explained it to me as like being best friends except you want to have sex with each other. Okay, so it's like being friends but more complicated? And how is that different from the so-called "friends with benefits"? Isn't that just a person who you're friends with, but you also have sex with them? And if a "friend with benefits" isn't considered a true romantic relationship, then what is a true romantic relationship? They seem pretty similar to me, if they're both pretty much just friends who you also have sex with. And also, if a romantic partner is like a friend but with sex, and as an asexual I have no interest in sex, then how am I supposed to tell the difference between a friend and a romantic interest?! I have no idea. I can't even tell if I have a crush on someone or if I just want to get to know them better because there's never any sexual attraction. I'm so confused.

Also there's this guy who I might have a crush on but I'm not sure because I don't feel any sexual attraction (obviously). So I can't figure out if I just want to get to know him better and be friends, or if I want to ask him out on a date and kind of be romantic with him. The thing is, I maybe want a romantic relationship just to see what it's like, but I don't know what's left in romance if you take out the sex. Obviously there must be more there than just friendship+sex=romance or else there wouldn't have romantic asexual people. A romantic relationship seems much less intimidating if I would be able to avoid any kind of sexual acts, but then is it really a romantic relationship? If we don't even kiss, would we still be considered a couple or just really close friends? By the way, I have no idea if he would even want to be in a relationship with me, but we're friends so we already know each other a bit.

Sorry if this is kind of ramble-y, I just need to figure out what is going on in my brain.

[dede jorges]

Hello.

nobody will ever read 3 million posts and we have even more here :)

(just a notice)

To your questioning, I think you'd better try to know your ways, or just yourself. Simple starts would be: things you like, or wish for, and what you don't like and are avoidant of. The sum of your positive and negative choices and preferences may define your personality, which can be original and unique, somewhere in between of some definitions you know.

Some people want a lot of togetherness, of all kinds, or of some special kind, others prefere to communicate occasionaly. I for example like to have friends within reach, but not just besides all the time. It took me years to understand, that it is me who wants to keep distance, - contrary to my usual thinking that I allways meet some annoing, some unfit people.

O.K. so you want to be friends with somebody, - you ask yourself: what do you mean by that? What you want of it? Eventualy you'll have to disclose that to your chosen one, - and see if you get along. In the end you might put an appropriate name to your relationship. Or leave it nemeless, like: It's just the way we are :)

[Prisma]

I can't speak for others, but the difference for me between romantic and platonic interest is the intensity of the feelings. Romantic feelings are much clearer and happier- it's someone that can make you happy just by being there, or by sending you a message. As for romantic relationship- I never really had one, but I guess what makes a relationship romantic is that the people involved have romantic feelings for each other. They can do just what friends do, but it'll feel different, which is the important part.

[Member54880]

I also find it difficult to distinguish platonic relationships from romantic, and I'm still trying to figure out many of the same questions, but you're right that "friends with benefits" aren't romantic relationships; they're friends who happen to have sex with each other.

As for what "romance" is, this thread might be helpful, and it might help you with some of your other questions. What distinguishes a romantic relationship from other relationships is the romantic feelings, but a romantic relationship doesn't have to be sexual. Many asexuals who desire romantic relationships can still clearly identify those feelings as romantic, without the presence of sexual feelings.

I had friends who turned out to want romantic relationships with me, which made me uncomfortable. I knew they wouldn't be satisfied if we just hung out and did what friends did; they wanted other things. They wanted a lot more affection, and wanted to date me, and wanted a passion that they could only get in romantic relationships. That's how I realized the difference, but this is just a guideline though, as there are people in platonic relationships who show a lot of affection towards their partners, and affection isn't inherently romantic.

Sorry if my efforts to answer your questions only raised more questions, but what matters is what is it you're looking for in a relationship, if you want one? It may be helpful to temporarily toss the relationship labels aside while you focus on what it is you're looking for. If it doesn't neatly fit any of the labels you've seen, that's okay!

[ruby4]

Thanks for the answers everyone, it seems like maybe I should stop thinking so much about the labels of a relationship and just let it evolve naturally instead. Except I'm a bit worried that if I do that there could be a lot of misunderstandings... I don't know, it just seems like it could turn into a romantic-comedy-esque-thing where the other person doesn't know that you love them, or they don't know you want to date them or whatever. But I guess that's what communication is for!