DexM Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Without a doubt. It takes more time and more effort. They require patience and commitment. They are testing and, at times, a logistical nightmare. We live in a world where it is far easier to get things without having to do that much, where everything is easier to come by. If you can get through it and make something work, then the rewards are great. It shows just exactly what you're capable of doing as a partnership. Link to post Share on other sites
Phaetion Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 As someone who is currently in a long-distance relationship, it depends on the person-and how willing both of you are going to commit. They are not easy for a number of reasons but it's safe to say that the rewards are worth reaping. Like you, I had just come out of another relationship (I was poly at the time, so I was in two relationships) and it really does suck when someone you truly love cannot commit to LDR's. Be strong, be (heavily) committed, and ensure that you love the person with all your heart and it will be like paradise. Link to post Share on other sites
Cimmerian Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Online relationships are not worth it to me. I've met some absolutely amazing people online, and while I wouldn't trade that LDR are not feasible for me unless one of the partners in it is going to be moving to the other's vicinity within a couple months... or a year tops. If there are periodic visits then the LDRs can work for longer before I'm not a very physical person with other people but I do require some tactile/sensual contact on rare occasions and it's extremely hard to avoid it then. I also want and need things from a relationship, like companionable silence, that I can't get unless we are physically together. People's physical presence can be felt to me and calls/videos just don't provide the same effect. That's not to say I wouldn't start another online relationship (my ex that I met online was and still is one of the most interesting people I know) but moving and/or meeting regularly is a requirement for me now. Link to post Share on other sites
Schattenschatz Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 My first, current, and only relationship has been intermittently long-distance for rather long periods of time. It was difficult in the sense that we missed each other, but it was never difficult to the point that breaking up ever crossed our minds. In fact I think in the end our periods of long distance were good for our relationship, because it forced us to communicate in different ways than we would have had we been physically together, and it also got us past that paranoia of the relationship falling apart if we weren't actually together all the time. I also know two couples who did four years straight of long distance with only short visits in between, and both are married now. I think it is harder when you meet online and the relationship begins as long distance, especially if there is no end to the separation in sight, but I do still think it can work, depending on the people involved. Link to post Share on other sites
werevampire Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 Anything's worth it if you just try! Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Spoon Train Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 It all depends on what you're looking for with relationships. For me, they're definitely worth it. Then again, I'm a super independent person for whom relationships are mostly about making mental connections, not necessarily having a typical partnered "life together" in-person at all. And I'm a relationship anarchist as well, which means that having a relationship doesn't lock me (and the other people of course) out of having any other relationships. So yes, it's all relative to what you're looking for. I can appreciate how it would be hard - and possibly not worth it - for many people who have more conventional relationship desires. There are no absolutes. Link to post Share on other sites
Sheila Dog Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 Nah. Long-distance friendships are bad enough. And one real life frienship is better than a long distance romance. Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 I think it depends, it could be a valuable gateway to a love interest that doesn't simply exist in your local area, or depends if there's no expatiation to meet, provide an interesting relationship that cant exist in real life. Link to post Share on other sites
CharmVif3075 Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 I'm not sure if the real question is if it's "worth it" or not. It's more like "can people really handle it?", at least for me. If someone doesn't mind not seeing their s.o very often, etc., I don't see why not! I know a couple who have been in an online relationship for a while not and it's working very well for them. So it really depends on one's personnality. Also, I don't really see how it would be any different than online friendship, and I have a few friends that I met on the Internet and consider as some of my closest friends. So if you're ready for it and really like the person, go for it! Link to post Share on other sites
Zerο Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 I'd be okay with a relationship that starts online, but not one that's strictly online. I like going out and actually doing things, especially traveling. Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Spoon Train Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 I'd be okay with a relationship that starts online, but not one that's strictly online. I like going out and actually doing things, especially traveling. Funnily enough, this is something that's actually been a nice feature of my online/long-distance relationships. ie They gave me incentive to make travel plans to see these long-distance loved ones, which turned into awesome vacations. Bonus: spending time there with a local who speaks the language, etc etc. Of course, in-between the meets, there are going to be years of being nothing "more" than online penpals essentially. It totally works in my own high-independence relationship anarchy world, but like I said, I can totally appreciate that it wouldn't work for a lot of other people. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 companionable silence Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Online relationships are not worth it to me. I've met some absolutely amazing people online, and while I wouldn't trade that LDR are not feasible for me unless one of the partners in it is going to be moving to the other's vicinity within a couple months... or a year tops. If there are periodic visits then the LDRs can work for longer before I'm not a very physical person with other people but I do require some tactile/sensual contact on rare occasions and it's extremely hard to avoid it then. I also want and need things from a relationship, like companionable silence, that I can't get unless we are physically together. People's physical presence can be felt to me and calls/videos just don't provide the same effect. That's not to say I wouldn't start another online relationship (my ex that I met online was and still is one of the most interesting people I know) but moving and/or meeting regularly is a requirement for me now. What I don't get about this line of reasoning is that you're basically saying you can't do LDR's because some sort of need/desire isn't met. But that need/desire would also not be met without a relationship. I think unless one is literally dependent on certain relationship benefits (in which case you're basically addicted to relationships, which is probably not "healthy"), the lack of something you desire can't really be that much of a deal breaker, as long as the relationship has something else to offer that only that person can offer? Note that I kinda have a poly viewpoint here, as I'm fundamentally poly-capable, and don't really "get" mono viewpoints. Link to post Share on other sites
Rising Sun Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 I personally want touch and physical presence in a relationship, I'm also monogamous, and I largely prefer long distance (as long as I know that we'll meet again) to having to break up or to miss a potentially wonderful relationship. I know which one would be the most painful to me. Of course there are compromises to do. Eventually living together is an important purpose for many. Sometimes it means marriage. And it also means one of the partners has to move, sometimes leave their country, and leave their family and friends. Link to post Share on other sites
A380 Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Don't get me started on long distance relationships... Or do, there's something I need get off my chest and share with other people. Please, PLEASE DON'T EVER start a LDR if you're not serious about it and if you're not willing try and shorten that damn distance. I used to think it was common sense, but apparently it's not. The way I see it, the "long distance" part should be just a phase. And both partners should be ready to sacrifice things and put some effort into the relationship in order to make it past that phase. But hey, what do I know. I've only been in two relationships in my life and they were both long distance relationships. My first boyfriend and I lived 12-hours-by-bus away from each other. We were very serious about the relationship, tho, and we made detailed plans for our future together. Damn it, he even planned to propose! So I took the first step and moved to another city - this way I shortened the distance to just 5-hours-by-bus. Then I asked him to move in with me (I even offered to pay his half of the rent) but much to my surprise - he wasn't interested any more! Long story short, after all I've done for us, he decided that he was more comfortable staying at his parents' place. He realised that making our plans come true involved a lot of effort and he just backed away. That left me bitter and hurt and really fed up with long distance relationships. My point is: LDRs take a lot of effort, patience and commitment. If you're not willing to say goodbye to your friends and move to another city, invest money in bus or flight tickets or you're generally not interested in starting a new life together with your significant other - then please, please, please avoid long distance relationships. You'll just hurt your SO. Link to post Share on other sites
Rising Sun Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 I'm sorry to say this, but it seems from what I read that your first boyfriend didn't have serious feelings for you. Link to post Share on other sites
A380 Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 I'm sorry to say this, but it seems from what I read that your first boyfriend didn't have serious feelings for you. I know. So what was the point of fooling me with the plans and the prospect of proposal? Believe me, I don't trust people easily and he was REALLY convincing. Things would have worked for us if it wasn't for the distance, I believe. Same for the second boyfriend. Meanwhile my friend's boyfriend is moving from Asia to Europe in order to be with her. Comparing this with my own experience makes me believe that I'm not worth trying for. :/ (Edit: Shit, I put something that has been bugging me for years into words and I immediately burst into tears. I think I just rubbed salt in my deepest wound. :/ Sorry for the rant, guys.) Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Online relationships are not worth it to me. I've met some absolutely amazing people online, and while I wouldn't trade that LDR are not feasible for me unless one of the partners in it is going to be moving to the other's vicinity within a couple months... or a year tops. If there are periodic visits then the LDRs can work for longer before I'm not a very physical person with other people but I do require some tactile/sensual contact on rare occasions and it's extremely hard to avoid it then. I also want and need things from a relationship, like companionable silence, that I can't get unless we are physically together. People's physical presence can be felt to me and calls/videos just don't provide the same effect. That's not to say I wouldn't start another online relationship (my ex that I met online was and still is one of the most interesting people I know) but moving and/or meeting regularly is a requirement for me now. What I don't get about this line of reasoning is that you're basically saying you can't do LDR's because some sort of need/desire isn't met. But that need/desire would also not be met without a relationship. I think unless one is literally dependent on certain relationship benefits (in which case you're basically addicted to relationships, which is probably not "healthy"), the lack of something you desire can't really be that much of a deal breaker, as long as the relationship has something else to offer that only that person can offer? Note that I kinda have a poly viewpoint here, as I'm fundamentally poly-capable, and don't really "get" mono viewpoints. A lot of people have desires for things they can't get without a relationship... but they can deal with it if they aren't in a relationship. When in a relationship, said desires can become enhanced though, as they have a target and not just a general "I want..." and if that desire then is not met, it can make the relationship feel like it is lacking something. That's why many sexuals that can go without sex for years while single, still can't date a person who won't/can't have sex. And also why many people feel things like cuddling or other physical affection is a requirement, even if they've gone 5-10 years single without getting it much. Link to post Share on other sites
theam Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 I'm sorry to say this, but it seems from what I read that your first boyfriend didn't have serious feelings for you. I know. So what was the point of fooling me with the plans and the prospect of proposal? Believe me, I don't trust people easily and he was REALLY convincing. Things would have worked for us if it wasn't for the distance, I believe. Same for the second boyfriend. Meanwhile my friend's boyfriend is moving from Asia to Europe in order to be with her. Comparing this with my own experience makes me believe that I'm not worth trying for. :/ (Edit: Shit, I put something that has been bugging me for years into words and I immediately burst into tears. I think I just rubbed salt in my deepest wound. :/ Sorry for the rant, guys.) You are definitely worth trying for. And it's for the best that someone who wasn't willing to do so got out of your life. It would have been better if he did so without hurting you, but at least you dodged that bullet. I was ready to move to Australia for my ex whereas he had to be convinced to come visit me (I paid for the fudging plane ticket even). That should've been a red flag right away. You deserve much better than someone who betrays your trust and hurts you like that. You're worth way more. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 A lot of people have desires for things they can't get without a relationship... but they can deal with it if they aren't in a relationship. When in a relationship, said desires can become enhanced though, as they have a target and not just a general "I want..." and if that desire then is not met, it can make the relationship feel like it is lacking something. That's why many sexuals that can go without sex for years while single, still can't date a person who won't/can't have sex. And also why many people feel things like cuddling or other physical affection is a requirement, even if they've gone 5-10 years single without getting it much. Thanks for the explanation. I guess that makes sense, kinda like some of the demi-sexuals I've read from over on FSPFA. Ironically, I know what this feels like, but for me it has the opposite effect.. Sometimes I will start considering mere friends or acquaintances "targets" and then things get incredibly uncomfortable. So, short of banishing the other sex from my life entirely, I still consider having a partner preferable regardless of how many of my needs they can fulfil. I didn't think there were people who would *only* have this effect with partners and not with other people, but I can at least imagine what it would be like. Link to post Share on other sites
A380 Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 You are definitely worth trying for. And it's for the best that someone who wasn't willing to do so got out of your life. It would have been better if he did so without hurting you, but at least you dodged that bullet. I was ready to move to Australia for my ex whereas he had to be convinced to come visit me (I paid for the fudging plane ticket even). That should've been a red flag right away. You deserve much better than someone who betrays your trust and hurts you like that. You're worth way more. I'm really sorry, Theam. :( What is WRONG with those people?! (Yeah, my scumbag boyfriend didn't even bother to come over and comfort me when my close relative died. :/) And thank you, too! Link to post Share on other sites
Betty Badinbed Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 I enjoy the power of words, and their ability to really make my day. While I haven't yet had a love LDR, I've had a long-term online friendship with a person in US, Georgia since 1999.... plus frequent 'snail mails' with my sister... and deep intellectual discussions with a long-term RL friend via email only. When he pays me a compliment or says how much he's looked forward to my reply, it makes me get up from my seat and dance. I'd love to experience a LDR - I enjoy writing, and it would have to be with someone who enjoyed writing too. I would certainly consider arranging to meet them in RL, and see where to take it from there - though the limits placed on immigration could be heart-breaking. Link to post Share on other sites
GlitterShell Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I think that online relationships are worth it for some people. I think it matters what you want out of a relationship. If you're looking for someone with whom you can be happy, then an online relationship can be totally worth it. I say this because I recently started an online relationship, (one that might hopefully in the future progress to in person, fingers crossed ^-^) and for me, it has definitely been worth it. When I started looking for a relationship, what I wanted was support and affection and companionship, someone I could share my feelings and insecurities with, someone who would help me through tough times. All of those things (I feel) can be achieved through an online relationship, and in my case they were. I am incredibly happy with my relationship as it is now, which is currently online. Like I said, I'd really like for it to progress to an in person relationship, but as it is, it is totally worth it! I think that in order to determine if an online relationship is worth it, you have to ask yourself what you want from a relationship and whether it's possible for you to get that through online interaction. For me, I could, so I'm incredibly happy with my relationship. If not, then it's not worth it. I think the most important thing when determining if an online relationship will work is what your needs and wants are and whether or not they can be met online. Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Spoon Train Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I think that in order to determine if an online relationship is worth it, you have to ask yourself what you want from a relationship and whether it's possible for you to get that through online interaction. For me, I could, so I'm incredibly happy with my relationship. If not, then it's not worth it. I think the most important thing when determining if an online relationship will work is what your needs and wants are and whether or not they can be met online. Yep, and you can substitute "online" for pretty much any potential relationship trait in this statement. I think that far too often, people go along with society's standard relationship escalator without really thinking things through. There's this funny mindset out there that a "relationship" has to be a closed package deal - as if people aren't free individuals who have different needs and wants in relationships, and as if other individual people don't exist out there who can meet these things in different ways. And I'm not even necessarily talking about doing anything radical or alternative. Even with quite normative monogamous relationships there seems to be a lot of unnecessary stress about doing things a certain way, which in many cases simply seems to be some unconscious adherence-to-escalator-mythology drama. Drama over how things are "supposed to be", even when the people in the relationship don't actually mind that things aren't that way, but the way they are doing things is unusual, so they think it must be a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Perseus Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 You meet a lot of interesting and great people online. I definitely believe they are worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Shoryu Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I often find myself not 'myself' or really, not able to express easily what I'm like when dating online. I did myself a disservice in my younger teens by reading all these dating advice books and videos. Once I figured out how easy it was to charm people online with the information I gathered, it has made me forget how to act like "me". It's SO convient that you can exchange messages by taking time to calculate what is best to say. Delays are expected in online conversations. Due to this, I prefer face to face dating so that the other person can see and hear my quirks, my mannerisms, etc in real time. No room for overthinking this or that, unless you want to make things hella awkward. I would hate that I setup some kind of persona subconsciously online, eventually meet, and seem totally different in person. Of course non online relationships can have the same issues, but for me, it would be less significant. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I often find myself not 'myself' or really, not able to express easily what I'm like when dating online. I did myself a disservice in my younger teens by reading all these dating advice books and videos. Once I figured out how easy it was to charm people online with the information I gathered, it has made me forget how to act like "me". It's SO convient that you can exchange messages by taking time to calculate what is best to say. Delays are expected in online conversations. Due to this, I prefer face to face dating so that the other person can see and hear my quirks, my mannerisms, etc in real time. No room for overthinking this or that, unless you want to make things hella awkward. I would hate that I setup some kind of persona subconsciously online, eventually meet, and seem totally different in person. Of course non online relationships can have the same issues, but for me, it would be less significant. Hahah, my mannerisms IRL involve extremely poor control of my body and a slight stutter. I much prefer facing strangers online. However, I don't think quirks and mannerisms are ever something you would dislike in a person you actually like as a person.. they're more like an attachment to them that gets "colored" the same way you view their personality. As for "it's too easy not to be yourself" part, that's an interesting point. But is there any reason not to just be yourself? What exactly would be tempting about seeming like someone who you are not? I never approach a person, be it online or offline, with the attitude that I want to impress them. On the contrary, when I'm interested in someone (that usually means I suspect them to be smart), I try as early as possible to reveal my personality and mentality. This 99% of the time means they will want nothing to do with me afterwards, but in one important case it's led to that person giving me a chance to get to know them where they haven't really done so with anyone else in their life, so I consider it a good strategy. Link to post Share on other sites
Shoryu Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I never approach a person, be it online or offline, with the attitude that I want to impress them."Impress" pretty much nails my personal flaw in dating online. It can get in your head that, "Wow! I'm chatting with so many people!" and it turns out to be fun as you engage in 3+ chats with different people. It's not me really "lying" as I would tell them my interests and hobbies (which can be understandably mundane to most people) but what gets lost in translation is that I'm some quick witted funny person that always knows the best humor when in fact, that delay and lapse between messages serves as a convenience. In person, maybe 20% of that translates over. In reality, I believe I'm just lacking self control to really slow down and realize finding the "one" will take more effort and time. If I and some other person suddenly become heavily invested in each other over the course of 5-7 days, I think something is wrong; things start to burn out quick! I hope that answered your question about why it's so tempting to be not 'myself'; I simply crave speedy results when resources allow me to. Link to post Share on other sites
Robin L Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I have met incredible people online. Since I'm quite an introvert, I don't really like to meet people, but online gives me more security of being able to leave when I have to, so I'm more open here. Link to post Share on other sites
ozzythefabulous Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 I've never had an LDR online relationship but if it was with the right person I'd be perfectly happy with it as long as we spoke all the time ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
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