Influence of one's upbringing?

[nycactress]

Hi all, I'm new here and new to the thought of identifying as asexual. It makes so much sense to me based on my feelings (or lack thereof) and experiences, but when I brought it up with my therapist, she raised a point that I'm curious about. I grew up in a family that never talked about sex or even really relationships and intimacy. Of course I was still surrounded by sex in media, my peers, etc, but I never got "the talk" or had any discussions about sex within my household. My therapist wanted me to consider if that could have influenced my disinterest in sex and lack of sexual attraction.

So I'm curious- was anyone else raised like this? Are there others who grew up in the opposite environment and still feel themselves to be asexual? Would love to get some perspectives on this.

[Tarfeather]

It's normal in many families not to talk about topics such as sex, especially with the kids around. I don't think this leads to asexuality. It'd maybe be different if sex were seen as a negative thing in the family.

[fuzzipueo]

Welcome nycactress!

Both my sister and I grew up in a similar situation, with little discussion about sex or intimacy, no real yea/nay on whether we could date at a certain age, etc., no discussions about whether we have boyfriends or when will the grandkids get here or what have you.

My sister is married and has a daughter, she was into makeup and hair when we were teens, and she couldn't wait to have a baby (I remember her complaining about her biological clock ticking away. I just rolled my eyes). She was impatient to get married.

Me, I was pretty oblivious for a good 30 years or so, didn't even think about men, much less sex or intimacy. In fact, I've talked more about those things since I came on this site in 2013 than I'd ever done in my life. I have no interest in sex (known that since the age of 13 and the first and only class I had on the subject), I knew after a disaster with a guy announcing his plans to me for our marriage when I was 15 that I most definitely was not interested in what ever that entailed (at the time I had no idea why people would want to get married), and really, the only thing that woke me up to the fact that I was so different was when I started reading romance novels. Go figure.

Everyone's experience will differ, but I hope that was somewhat helpful. Please ask away if you've got questions!

[Guest]

My up bring did not talk about "s". While males[uncles/ cousins] all had porn and would watch it together. I would always crave the stuff. I will stop now.. Because it is tmi. That lead to other issues. <_< But I think it had a lot to do with my sexuality.

[Member7783]

I grew up an only child, and my parents were less than civil to each other frequently. I don't recall ever seeing them act loving towards each other, they slept in separate bedrooms at opposite ends of the house, they never talked about sex with me (except for telling me at 16 that "we won't love you any less if you're gay"). I think the environment I was raised in definitely had an influence on my own views towards sexuality.

[bittersweet988]

Well, my parents never really discuss sex with me, but that's because I never want to discuss it with them. They can joke about sex if I bring the topic up, so it's not a taboo topic. My parents are open to discuss any topics, pretty much like me, so no, in my case my asexuality has nothing to do with my upbringing.

[ballerina]

Nycactress,

I grew up in a household without discussions about sex and romance too. However, I don't think the lack of exposure made any difference. I always felt like I was not attracted to people. It was always puzzling to me how other people lost their brains over the opposite sex when I just couldn't see any reason. I was just me, I guess.

[EggplantWitch]

I personally don't feel as though my upbringing had any influence on my asexuality at all. My parents are not the conservative or madly Christian or 'DON'T HAVE SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE OR YOU'LL DIE' type, and I had fairly decent sex-ed at school starting from 10 years old. Sex is just not something I think most British parents talk about all that much, certainly not freely and openly. I'm asexual because I am, end of story.

[Snao Cone]

While there was very little talk about personal sexuality in my upbringing, it wasn't a scandalous topic. We weren't religious, and my parents weren't very strict on censoring the media we consumed with sex or nudity in it. None of us (me and my siblings) had any real relationships as teenagers, but we were put on a more academic focus than a social one. It wasn't sterile, but sex wasn't a priority either.

This very likely has something to do with a bit of a late arrival to the party for my siblings, and also for me not feeling enough pressure to "find love" to push myself into relationships I had no interest in. I tried relationships out of curiosity more than desire for romance. It was about story building and cultural immersion. The intellectual focus of my upbringing has influenced my choices in life, that have built me into the person I am, and my (a)sexuality is one of the many complex facets of my character. I don't doubt that there's something inherent about my placement on the asexual spectrum, but my life events and value system have shifted it in certain ways and given it depth and shape.

[Perseus]

Welcome to AVEN. My upbringings did not influence me much.

[Hooded_Crow]

Hi, and welcome! :)

Well. My brother had the exact same upbringing as me, and he is straight. Not *the* most sex-crazed person I know, by far XD but straight nonetheless.

I guess I think one's sexual orientation comes from a mixture of "nature" and "nurture". But mind you, even if your asexuality was brought on by your environment, that doesn't make you any less asexual, does it?

[Hunter James]

My household growing up was very quiet about sex - I think my mom handed me two little books when I was 11 or so, one about periods and one about reproduction. I learned the mechanics of sex from a few pages in the medical encyclopedias we had, and actually found the diagrams fascinating and a little arousing when I was a teenager. I remember my mom used to cover my eyes during sex scenes in movies.

But at the same time our culture is drenched in sex and I saw plenty of other movies and TV shows - and music videos! - not to mention the gossip and chatter of my friends during sleepovers. So it was always there, and always seemed to me like I was peering at some strange creature I didn't fully understand and wasn't sure if I wanted to touch - certainly not as enthusiastically as my friends and classmates.

My brother was raised in the same environment; though he is fiercely religious and "waited until marriage", he was very intimately close indeed with his high school girlfriend who later became his wife, and they have had three children together so they must be doing something by now. ;) Even though sex was an almost invisible undercurrent in our household growing up, I always felt that he did the "right" thing in dating and marriage and sex and having children, and there was something wrong with *me* because I couldn't seem to grasp it.

It took me a very long time to accept the fact that we're two different people - that he's sexual and I'm asexual - even though we were raised exactly the same.

[Xavy]

My siblings and I were brought up exactly the same way, none of them are asexual, but I am. I have therefore discounted upbringing as the cause of my asexuality, but I can't rule out that it may not have influenced others.

[9Lives]

My Mom's a midwife and she likes to share, so I know pretty much all there is to know about human reproduction and I have known from an early age. Also, my parents don't agree on much, but they always agreed on letting me read whatever I wanted, and I had access to nearly everything, including uncensored copies of the works of Marquis de Sade. I had a really awkward conversation with my Mom regarding safer sex when I was 13, and another one with my Dad at 16. My father and I also frequently discuss sex in an "academic" context - for example, we've had a couple of discussions about whether or not heterosexual relationships are improved by the female partner's willingness to participate in certain sex practices (I will NOT go into detail on that).

So all in all, I was quite aware of sex as a child and a teenager, and there was never any taboo surrounding it in our household.

I can't speak for anybody else, but my upbringing certainly didn't influence my sexual orientation (though I'm pretty sure my parents would wish it had).

[Sally]

Since sexual people are brought up in all sorts of family environments just as asexuals are, there's no reason to think that upbringing has anything to do with orientation. Looking "backward" for reasons you are asexual doesn't produce any logical answers.

[JohnDoe1995]

Well, although the environment in which you grew up might be a factor, I doubt it's the main reason for you being ace.

Before the LGBT+ community united & became so big & known, people didn't had any outside "influence" (from lack of a better word) from family, society or media. & while these pioneer LGBT+ people were surrounded by hetero-sexualism, they were not heterosexuals.