Coming Out Stories

[AlwaysNifty]

So I've been putting off coming out to my parents for awhile now. They're lovely liberal-minded people and I know they will accept me, but I also know that they're going to be disappointed. I was the best bet they have for grandkids, and that's not going to happen and I'm worried about the talk in which they express how they're worried about me, and just want me to be happy (but by that really mean date someone, settle down, get married some day, etc.). I really do need to tell them because I love my parents, and they should know, and I'm getting tired of the "interested in anyone?" I get once a week (I should add that I'm sufficiently repulsed and uninterested that a relationship isn't in the cards at the moment - maybe someday, but for now I have other priorities). They mean well and really do want me to be happy, but I just want to conversation to be as stress-free as possible.

So I was wondering if any of you would be willing to share your coming out stories with me (only if you want to, of course)? How did you start the conversation, and how did you go about it? An tips to make it go smoothly? Even if you don't have any advice, I would love to hear how it went for you!

[Also, I'm mostly looking for answers from asexual people. I mean no offence to greys and demi's, but any sexual attraction at all does not apply to my situation.]

[Pearpocalypse]

My mom used to pester me about who I liked, (a couple times a month at one point) more about which gender I liked though. Same as you my mom always said she would love me no matter what, but whenever I tried to explain about sexuality or gender (it came up a lot as most of my friends are lgbt) she would always sigh and not listen to what I was trying to say. This was one of the largest factors that made me uneasy to come out to her, until one day when she was really getting after me about it I accidentally said I wasn't sexually attracted to girls or boys. Her first reaction was that it wasn't real and it was a long conversation before she understood asexuality. I still haven't told her my romantic orientation (grey-aromantic) because I feel like that would be an even longer conversation. Anyways, that wasn't the most uplifting of coming out stories but I hope it helped in some way.

[HellaAce]

I haven't come out to my parents yet but I have to my friends. My best advice to you would start by saying "I'm asexual" and field questions as needed. Let them know that you are happy as you are and that they shouldn't be so worried about you rushing into a relationship you aren't ready for. Perhaps explain that you are repulsed but aren't entirely closed off to the possibility of a relationship further down the road.

For instance, when I came out to my friends some of them were familiar to the idea of asexuality but some of them had no clue what it was, which is why taking questions on an as-needed basis is better than launching into a complete analysis of your sexuality. I started the conversation with "I'm asexual, which means I do not experience sexual attraction, in fact I am sex repulsed." Be open to questions and take ignorant remarks with a grain of salt, try to explain things as well as you can. I hope all goes well with you!

[AngelinaTheHobbit]

I came out to my parents two years ago. One day we were talking about my autism and anxiety diagnosis and I mentioned that I was also asexual. My father doesn't care, but my mother still thinks it's a phase. Both have told me countless times that they will love me no matter what! Though, I still have to put up with my mum pestering me about not being too quick to label myself.

My boyfriend knew I was asexual from day one (and is totally cool with it) and a few of my good friends knew. I literally, like an hour ago, came out to my close friends on our private facebook page with the Glee version of Defying Gravity (cheesy, I know). So far almost all of the feedback is positive. Some don't know what it is and others just think I need to wait for the right person.

I hope this is helpful!

[Beyourownspotlight]

My mum has asked me a few times in the past if I was/am gay. And did the whole 'you'd tell me if you were gay' bit, I know she wouldn't love me any less if I were gay. She's said herself she'd be fine with it (I think it's more so she knows to like inspect my female friends more closely than my male friends haha, and try to guess who I 'like') . I've got a very openly gay cousin, like for as long as I can remember it's just been a fact that she's gay, and I've never questioned it or been told explicitly, it's just a thing (I'm bad at explaining)--- like as a kid my other cousins had boyfriends/girlfriends of the opposite gender, cept this one cousin, she always had girlfriends and that was never strange or weird, or out of the ordinary, it was just what it was. I've had openly gay friends too, who my mum and dad hasn't had any issues with.

I feel like I'm probably in a good place to come out, with such supportive family, but at the same time, it's my business. I don't really feel like I need to share the details. If I bring a boy home, my parents would be fine, if I bring a girl home, I'd like to think they'd be okay with it too. I'll leave the rest up to their imagination (also if I bring home someone non binary or whatever --- my parents are good, but they're not superhuman and that's a new concept to them so they'd probably still use male/female pronouns and I'm rambling oops).

But no I've not come out as ace, and I doubt I will.

[brightberry]

There's actually a joke I've seen floating around tumblr that goes something like this: Q: What do you need if you're going to come out as asexual? A: The oxford english dictionary and 10 hours of your time. As a person who came out to parents with no inkling of what asexuality is, I can confirm this.

You said that your parents want you to be happy, and I suspect that they'll take this pretty well. It might take them a little bit to adjust (I know mine did) but I think you will be pleased with the end result. (In my experience, they are only asking about having relationships because that's what makes them happy.)

In the end, it really comes down to what you think is best for you. If coming out makes your life easier and you won't be hurt because of it, then I say go for it. If you would rather not tell, then do just that!

Have a good day!

[ozzythefabulous]

When I came out my parents (who are also very liberal-minded) they where completely cool with it and they stopped going on about relationships and asking which of my friends I liked and it's much better. If you think your parents would be fine with it then I'd just tell them and explain anything they might ask, it helped take a load of my shoulders when I came out so maybe it'll do the same for you :D

[Aranea]

I came out to my mom a few years ago. She had previously preached about how she never wanted me to have sex until marriage, but as soon as I told her about my sexuality she insisted I needed to find "the right one." Talk about flipping the coin, right? Nowadays, she refers to it in sort of grudging acceptance, like this thing she doesn't want to think about. ("I know you're.... asexual or whatever.") And I had to really kick a dead horse explaining it. I still do, every time I come out. But, in the end, I'm glad I have. I feel slightly more valid as a person knowing someone else knows about who I am. And, to my pleasure, a lot of people are receptive to my complaints about being ace and try to understand my perspective.

I would say, be ready to explain it, be patient, and take care of yourself first. I hope all goes well!

[Perseus]

I came out to a few friends and my roommates. They were understanding and nice. I told my mom I was just Demisexual and left out the homo part. They were fine with it.

[hamilton]

I'm an outlier and should not be counted, but when I came out to my mom, she just said, "Well, yeah."

I had also come out to my parents as a zillion things before I figured out the reason I couldn't figure out who I was sexually attracted to was because I didn't experience sexual attraction. I just straight up started the conversation with, "Can I tell you something, Mom?" She's used to all this LGBT+ nonsense, since I've been interested/active in the community since 2001. It's just taking the plunge and not assuming what they're going to say. I'm currently coming out to a lot of people as non-binary/genderqueer and dealing with a lot of this myself. People will surprise you with their answers.

[rocket1111child]

I came out to my Mum a while ago. It felt weird telling her in person, so I found a youtube documentary and asked her to watch it. She then said to the effect 'you know, I think I was like that before'. After that we sat down and read through the faqs and videos on AVEN together. (My Mum's a great support for me too). The next week I wanted to tell my Granny too (second on my close people list), but I didn't get the chance because I had work, so my Mum did the same thing I did and showed her the video. My Mum said she was a bit anxious because my Granny was breathing heavily while watching the video, but in the end she said the same thing too, that she felt that she may have been the same way at a point in her life too.

Both my Mum and Granny grew up in a society where it was normal to get married, but don't really have good/ romantic relationships with their husbands (father and grandfather). We're all Catholics, and they don't believe in divorce, which is why they're still in these relationships. The reason I'm giving this background story is to explain why they felt as though they could've been asexual, but got married anyway. I haven't told anyone else yet. I just don't think i'm ready to tell anyone else yet.

[furubacase]

When I came out to my parents, I also told them that I was starting a journey to become a single mum with the help of a donor. The two where very linked for me, because my realization that I was asexual also pushed me to take my desire to become a mum more seriously.

My parents are divorced so I didn't want to get them in a room together. Not because they wouldn't do it (they've remained good friends) but mostly because if I called them and ask them both to meet me they'd probably think I'd tell them I was dying or something. I didn't want to make a big deal out it. Like you OP, I knew my parents would be loving and accepting so I didn't feel like I had to plan an occasion for it.

My mum comes over to my house quite frequently for gaming sessions. So when she come around one Tuesday we didn't play our game but instead I told her about my discovery on asexuality, what that meant for me, how it tied into my life and why that made me push forward with my desire to come a mum. She was very happy for me, the fact that I managed to find piece with yet another part of me. Of course the fact that this meant I would become a mother at some point made her ecstatic. Like me she felt that I probably would never have come to the decision to be a single parent if I hadn't discovered my orientation.

I told my dad a few days later. I went there on Friday to have diner and watch a movie. We told a walk and I told him the same story. I was a little more nervous about telling my dad. He's a very understanding person but when he has an opinion on something he doesn't make a secret out of it. I went through a very rough patch the last two years and he saw my decline up close and personal. I figured that if anyone had a good reason to object to my story it was him. But my fears were completely unfounded. He was very accepting of my story, almost in an offhand way. Like he never expected any different. And of course for him the fact that he'd become a granddad was a selling point as well :3

In fact both my parents didn't seem very shocked. They both said something like, I didn't know what asexuality was but now that I do I can see how it fits you. Nothing in my life has changed because they know this now. If it wasn't for the babymaking plans, I might not have told them. I never found my asexuality to be a big deal, and I felt sure that my parents wouldn't either so I don't think I would've given coming out a second though. I always felt like my actions in life was coming out enough. But in the end, I'm very happy that I told them. They're reactions to my story really boosted my self confidence and I feel even close to my family now than I did before

[Whispearl]

I didn't use the word "asexual" with my parents, I just told them what I felt as it made sense with whatever conversation we were having. My mom mostly got it. She told me not to count it out, and said some slightly offensive things at first before I really got to explain myself, but definitely accepts who I am at this moment, and at least makes an effort to understand, which is all I ask, really. My dad wasn't as okay with it. He explicitly called it "not good," continued with those offensive things (like saying how I'll never find anyone and how I'll never get my ex back who had just broken up with me and I was still devastated over it), and even made a joke at one point about seeing a therapist for it, but he's just generally disapproving of it and tries to disprove it whenever the topic comes up. I'm glad I'm not hiding from them anymore, but getting reactions like that from my "open," "accepting," "very liberal" parents (mostly my dad), kinda stunk.

[animanova]

Errr, coming out to one of my parents was more accidental. It was just that my father kept bothering me as to why I didn't have a boyfriend yet and if I was still a virgin--no, it's not any of his business for either. The point being, I just blurted it out that I don't experience sexual attraction to anyone, so he could kindly leave me alone and stop asking because it's not his concern. My mum, however, doesn't care about what I am, so she doesn't know anything. My relationship with my parents isn't the best, but eh, at least my father stopped bothering me then.

As for coming to terms with it myself, it's taking a little while. I realized it first last year, when I was singing Right Said Fred's "I'm too sexy" (don't laugh at me Dx ) and thinking about a recent attraction I'd felt towards females along with males. From there it was realizing that I'm not heterosexual, because I want nothing to do with sex and have no attraction to anyone sexually. Biromantic came to place because I have emotional/aesthetic/romantic attraction to males and females.

...And then the song became "I'm too asexy".

[Alchemistress]

I came out to my immediate family; mom and younger sister. I came out to my sister first and she said that it made perfect sense and was really happy I'd found a 'lable' that made me happy. My mom on the other hand was significantly less pleased.. First she tried to convince me that I was too young to know for sure (I was 18..) then she told me it was a goverment conspiracy (what?) then she told me there was no such thing and I just wanted to be special (wow). Eventually she calmed down and over a few months bitterly accepted it. About a year later she stared reading up on it and told me that she herself actually thought she fit the description quite well and now openly refers to herself as asexual haha. That was one hell of a turn around, I guess she just had trouble accepting/ admiting it? I'm also out to anyone who reads my blog so I'm pretty sure most of my close friends know.

[Omitted]

I came out to my parents two years ago. One day we were talking about my autism and anxiety diagnosis and I mentioned that I was also asexual. My father doesn't care, but my mother still thinks it's a phase. Both have told me countless times that they will love me no matter what! Though, I still have to put up with my mum pestering me about not being too quick to label myself.

My boyfriend knew I was asexual from day one (and is totally cool with it) and a few of my good friends knew. I literally, like an hour ago, came out to my close friends on our private facebook page with the Glee version of Defying Gravity (cheesy, I know). So far almost all of the feedback is positive. Some don't know what it is and others just think I need to wait for the right person.

I hope this is helpful!

Using Defying Gravity is absolutely brilliant.

I came out to my parents about a month and a half ago. I had been really mopey lately and didn't want to tell them why, but eventually my dad and I got to talking and I came out with "Dad I am just not interested in having sex with people". It was sort of fall out from explaining things that had happened with my ex boyfriend. He was a f***ing b*****d and I don't want to talk about it. Anyways, I ended up coming out to him first, and it was in terms of how much sex wasn't something I wanted. My dad was really excellent and supportive about it, and said that there were a bunch of people out there like me, but did remind me that this stuff is fluid, and that it could change. Mom did a little bit of the "you haven't met the right person yet", but she was also SUPER supportive and I think relieved too. I think she and my dad were afraid since I can be a bit reticent to talk that I was having sex with lots of people. Turns out quite the opposite.

Just wanted to put out a positive coming out story. I'm really lucky to have such understanding parents.

[123cosmo]

I asked my mom (before i learned the term asexual) why i felt no interest in kissing boys and other things along those lines, and she said (very quickly) "well you havnt found the right person yet". Whenever i say things like "i dont really like anyone right now" or "ive never felt i would like to do that" you know breifly hinting im not really understanding of sexual attraction.my mom or friends will just make excuses for me, so should i be concerned about coming out?