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Here's a Question


alyssasgirl96

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alyssasgirl96

Okay. Okay. So recently (and I mean very VERY recently) I started seeing this guy, though we haven't necessarily . . . we aren't dating. But we've kissed a lot, which was nice I'll admit but . . . I don't know, I'm just not sure. See, I've never felt like I fit into the "traditional" values of a man dating a woman; I was fine by myself - though when I DID like someone, it was usually after a short period of time that plateaued the longer I was infatuated. But I was never interested in them sexually, partly because I have really bad tasted and usually fall for guys with girlfriends already.

So this guy, right? We met probably three days ago, and we're already kissing and what not, but I just . . . I've thought of sex before, and though I can get turned on, it doesn't really matter to me if it happens or not. This apathy was especially prevalent tonight, when I went to hang out with him and we cuddled and kissed and he grabbed my butt . . . It was nice, sure, but I found myself thinking, "Well, I don't care if he touches me or not." And when he did touch me, it was like he wasn't even there.

I'm confused, basically. How do you know you're asexual? How did the people on this sight figure it out? And do I sound weird for saying these things? Or has someone experienced something similar before?

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freewill-gray

The term of asexuality isn't carved into a stone. :)
If you feel like you ok with the kissing and stuff, go ahead. But if you don't mind if he touches you or not, i think you do not experience sexual attraction, and that's basically asexuality. What about sex in general? There are sex-positive and sex-repulsed asexuals.
Hey, don't feel condused because you don't fit in a box, because there is no box.
Here, take this cake :cake: for reasons.

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Yeah, the world is a confusing place. Maybe you just found someone who you're so comfortable with that all the junk doesn't matter and stuff.

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What you described does not have to do with sexual attraction; it falls under romantic. Sexual attraction is genital arousal brought on by the existence of another person and the desire to have sex. Neither or one of these counts as asexual.

apathromantic: It does not specify whether the person has or does not have romantic emotions, just that they are "romance indifferent" (which ppl use to/still do go by); thus it's apathetic root word.

  • Before i start explaining the different types in this term, i would like to clarify that romantic attraction has many attractions linked to it. Without them, romantic attraction is essentially a soft-spot/emotion. ---This term is a combination of one of the following sensual orientations (which can also go by apathsensual) and one of the following romantic orientations. They can experience no sensual attraction (not including sex; only to kiss, cuddle, etc,); Asensual, but are indifferent of the action-- experience it but indifferent of its reciprocation; a form of Lithsensual-- experience romantic attraction but indifferent of any display of returned emotions (dates, sweet talk, etc.); a form of Lithromantic-- or do not experience romantic attraction but are indifferent if someone wants to act romantically (dates, sweet talk) toward them; a kindhearted Aromantic; they may display romantic "reciprocation" out of rerouting their platonic feelings/view it as a favor for someone they care about (though is not the same as a cupioromantic; they desire to be in romantic relationships despite not having the attraction)

The next title may or may not apply; fading emotions with no reciprocation is a normal thing.

Frayromantic: (a new title so you may not find much on it) is when romantic attraction always ends up fading away. Typically at the same pint, like a bond or period of time after dating, etc.

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Asexual or not, if you don't want sex don't have it just to appease your partner.

Only have sex if

>You yourself want it

>You are comfortable with your partner and the situation

>You are confident that your partner will listen to you if you say 'no' or you want to stop

>You are confident of your safety - physical, emotionally (ie emotional blackmail) and sexually (you know the drill).

If you are not sure whether you want sex or not, do some soul searching and hold off until you are 100% sure.

Also I am not belittling your relationship, but you have only known them three days. Do you think they would stay with you after the sex? Is that all they are after?

Please don't think I am attacking you or your partner, I do not know your situation and feelings.

However I hope you will take this into consideration xx

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Just a word of advice: Be careful about your apathy, since it might not last. I was 100% indifferent to sexual touch, at first, but then I found out the hard way that there are things I don't like, and because I didn't care about anything else, it took a while until I stopped doing the things that bothered me. Don't let your apathy lead you to situations you're not 100% comfortable with.

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alyssasgirl96

Lol, there's no worries here. I'm not having sex with this guy at all, but the indifference to some of his advances bothers me. I've already explained that I won't have sex, and he is alright with that (he says), so we've stuck to pretty much kissing.

Plus this isn't the first time. I can probably count on one hand how many people I've "liked" in my life; meaning I thought they'd be great to date. And I've thought about it and realized that I like people pretty quickly, but after the newness wears off, I'm completely against seeing them ever again. I might not even do anything with them; I have a terrible track record with liking guys who are either in a relationship or homosexual, and that's fine to dispose of those feelings, but really they don't ever leave. Unlike if a guy likes me, I won't like him back.

I don't know, I realized I like the chase - I like going after guys that I can't have, and logically I tell myself to stop. But if a guy likes me - or even if one of the guys I like likes me back - I lost interest almost immediately and stop pretty much all contact. It worries me, frankly, because this flip-flop from one extreme emotion to another probably isn't healthy. But I don't know if it's me, or if it's them, or if it's just the idea of dating or whatever.

Someone up above mentioned asensuality, which sounds the closest like what I'm experiencing. Just apathy. Nihilism. And there are some people who I like a lot, but it's not romantic - it's almost like if it were romantic, I would ruin something terribly precious. And there's two people who I feel that way for, and both of them are girls.

I know sexuality's not set in stone, but has anyone else here felt the same thing? That's what I really want to know. Also, am I making any sense?? Thanks for your insight though :) It was helpful, in a different way I guess. I don't know.

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Yes I've heard of a concept similar to what you describe.

Basically after the "chase" your feelings fade away, or you may not want them reciprocated at all. I believe it may be called lithromanticism however I am far from the expert in this area. All I'm saying is that yes, it can be normal and there are others out there who feel the same as you do - you are not alone.

http://aromantics.wikia.com/wiki/Lithromantic

Try asking around the aromantic section of the forums, the folks are friendly and know more than I do :)

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That link says most of what it is, but to be precise, Lithromantic is having romantic attraction but the reciprocation causes (either immediately or over time) indifference, loss of interest, or repulsion. Some avoid their target.

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alyssasgirl96

Also, another question, while we're at it and everyone has such great advice: Do you ever, as an asexual or whatever label you identify with, feel as though you're putting on an act when you're in a relationship? Like you kiss someone, but you only do it for them, or you only do it because it seems like the proper thing to do, not something you necessarily want to do? I don't know, with this guy I didn't want to kiss him, but I wasn't against it either. You know?

Ah, and thank you for the information about lithromantics! Though it's still too early to tell, I can definitely see myself in similar stories people have shared. So thank you ^^

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I haven't been in a relationship so i haven't actually felt sensual things as just an action that isn't really desired/indifferent, but those are things i specifically don't want to experience in a relationship because it would then become meaningless; like overusing the words "I love you."

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Do you ever, as an asexual or whatever label you identify with, feel as though you're putting on an act when you're in a relationship? Like you kiss someone, but you only do it for them, or you only do it because it seems like the proper thing to do, not something you necessarily want to do? I don't know, with this guy I didn't want to kiss him, but I wasn't against it either. You know?

Doesn't sound like putting on an act to me. Kissing can as much be a gesture of affection as something you "desire". Having it only be a gesture without the desire part doesn't make it any less genuine IMO.

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Also, another question, while we're at it and everyone has such great advice: Do you ever, as an asexual or whatever label you identify with, feel as though you're putting on an act when you're in a relationship? Like you kiss someone, but you only do it for them, or you only do it because it seems like the proper thing to do, not something you necessarily want to do? I don't know, with this guy I didn't want to kiss him, but I wasn't against it either. You know?

Yes to both.

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