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Compromises


stepheliz86

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Today was my birthday. The big 29. My golden birthday. My boyfriend and I went to a basketball game a couple cities over and had a great night. Listened to old music, watched some comedy on Netflix once we got home and then the part I hate most of all when he stays over happened, we went to bed.

I should explain we've only been dating 2 months and known each other for about 90 days prior to making it official. He doesn't know I'm asexual. Well to be honest, I'm just realizing it myself. Prior to him, I was generally, happily single for years.

So back to going to bed. I was falling asleep on the couch, so I got up to go to bed. He snores like a banshee so I often sleep with ear plugs in and as we got into bed I told him I was going to put them in. Instantly I could tell he was annoyed and fast forward about 5 mins and I was laying back on the couch and he was getting dressed to leave. We've had our first official fight about me being emotionless and not wanting sex. Oh I should also mention, we've done it 1 time and he was very patient about it, but now that it's happened he expects it whenever he wants it. Here's where my question comes in. Does anyone compromise for their loved one and engage in sex regularly? I'm not sure I can do that. I don't hate sex. My body reacts normally when stimulated, but I have zero desire to get to that point. He obviously attributes sex to feeling wanted and loved, I understand that, but that's not how I work. I feel like ultimately staying together is going to end up being a waste of both our time, because he's gonna get tired of me basically being bored during sex and not initiating contact with him.

Oh by the way, after he stormed out I told him we needed to talk tomorrow in person asks he basically forced me to explain, so he knows now, but went to bed and said we'll need to talk more, but he said to be together there would need to be more compromises. If you ask me it sounds like he wants me to compromise more and I'm not sure I can much more than I already do.

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Ah yes, the being emotionless and not wanting sex fights. I would say, been there, done that, but it's more a case of been there, got screamed at, didn't do anything. I would just shut down and she would happily scream at me for hours.

By forcing you to explain, do you mean you told him you were asexual? Or didn't want sex?

If it were me, I would explain that despite it being a cliché, it's really not about him, it's about you. He might need sex to feel wanted/loved etc but it's not something you need. That'll probably be hard for him to hear.

I have compromised in the past and slept with someone when I didn't particularly want to and not exactly regretted it, but I now make a point of not doing that...

Whether compromise is right for you, well only you can decide I'm afraid. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer, but it does depend on how much he means to you. I would say don't do anything you don't want to do for the sake of someone else's happiness, as yours ultimately comes first.

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I did explain everything, much to my dismay, via text. He did seem relieved, but I worry he's going to expect too much from me.We will have to discuss it in detail today proabably.

You're right though, it's a decision I'll have to make myself. I was just hoping to hear how others handle the situation when they're with someone who needs to be sexual.

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