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Asexuality or mental disorders? [TMI-graphic content]


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Hi. It feels kinda weird to write this, but recently my problem's been a real struggle to me. right now I'm really anxious and confused, so if what I'm writing seems confusing then sorry for that.

The title of this topic might seem offensive or something, but it's actually not. Let me explain what I mean by that:

ROMANTIC STUFF, a little ABOUT ME

I'm 17 years old and 2 years or so ago was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. I have some past family issues (emotionally and physically abusive father) and some issues with my step dad right now (emotional and economic abuse) and my whole life wac accompanied by this uncomfortable feeling of being "different" and not fitting in. Recently, a few months ago, I developed a crush of some sort on a boy who's my boyfriend now, we've been together for a month and a bit. Yeah, I know it's not long at all, but I think that thing are moving pretty fast between us and I care deeply for him and am certain that he does care for me as well. I feel like I do love him (still not sure if I can truly love someone at this age) and this is what I claim, so does he.

My problem is, I've never been that close to anyone, I never kissed anyone besides him, you know - basic couple stuff. I always was uncomfortable with being touched by others, but am slowly growing used to being touched by my boyfriend. I just assume it's a thing people do when they're together. I really like cuddling, holding hands and showing physical affection when doing daily activities. The thing is, my boyfriend is a person - don't mind the word - overly needy when it comes to that. The amount of our touching has its impact on his mood and stuff. He wants to touch me, to be touched, not necessarily in a sexual way.

PHYSICALITY, actual ISSUE

Well, that changed not so long ago. And I get that. He never was with someone before, just like me, and he seems like a person to "seize the day", just enjoying life and stuff. So we had conversations about having sex (not now, in the future, because of my confidence issues etc), changing touching to a bit less innocent level. When I'm thinking about it (or rather, when I WAS thinking about), it seemed nice and pleasurable, great way to show someone you want them to be happy, content, glad and give them pleasure.

Started with french kissing (lame, wow) - in my imagination, it felt good, special, passionable and all that, but in reality - I don't feel anything. No pleasure, no desire, nothing. Just the feeling of a slick tongue under mine and our lips touching, completely technical. I was the one to initiate it, driven by my oh so idealistic visions of that. And I said I liked it very much.

Then, a couple of days ago, under my permission, his hand went down my stomach, or up my thighs - same thing actually - and here, I didn't feel anything either. No, actually I felt something - annoyance, but that was later on. He didn't cause me any pain or discomfort, of that I am sure, he was gentle and had the best intentions, but the first time he touched me there it was completely neutral, a bit embarassing, because I could feel him getting into it, while I was trying really hard not to pull away. The second time, which happened today, there was annoyance. A lot of it. It was boring and kinda exhausting, kissing him - numb - and being touched by him - numb. Like I was pretending to like this.

CONCLUSION

I know he values physical contact a lot, it's his "love language" and that's what makes it harder. Before, when we talked about it, I was pretty certain that I DID want to lose my virginity to him, I would enjoy that and make him enjoy it as well. Right now, I'm feeling a bit hysterical, because I did not enjoy that at all, yet I can't tell him that, since I don't want to upset him. I know he wouldn't blame me, but I feel like a complete liar, when it comes to our conversations concerning sex, and now me telling him "I loved that". I didn't. And I feel very guilty and ashamed, because I can't give him what would make him happier. It has come to the point, where I don't even want to talk to him, just to avoid getting these feelings inside me again. Near crying again, wow.

QUESTION

My question is: could that be a side effect of my mental disorders or is it a sign I am asexual? I've been having thoughts about never, ever "sleeping" with anyone, but am able to have sexual pleasure when alone, enjoying thoughts and fantasies more than the idea of actually making them happen with someone I love. Today it reached the level of a real fear of having to pretend again tomorrow and him trying again.

I'm sorry for the length of this post, I was just thinking that getting to know the whole story I could get a "better" response from you, if there's any. I hope it's not that bad to read. Also, english is not my first language so sorry for any mistakes and all.

Edited by bipolar bear
edited for better legibility and adding TMI tag
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Depression can cause low sex drive. However, this sounds like something more of a psychological deal. If you're getting this worked up over it, it's clear that you did NOT enjoy it and this really needs to be told to your boyfriend. Sit him down, ask him to let you say everything on your mind, let it sink in, and then he can talk to you about what he feels in response. Do NOT keep putting yourself in a situation (sexually) if you keep getting these feels, because this is your subconscious telling you to STOP. This will only keep getting worse, the longer it goes on and can potentially drive you two apart.

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GwendolynAngel83

The fact that you took 0 enjoyment from it leans more towards asexual to me. And if it's upsetting you you really should tell him, it's important to be honest with him. Find your limits. If he likes contact cuddling and hugging are great alternatives if those are things you're ok with/enjoy as well. Touches don't have to be sexual like kissing and stuff.

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Hi! I feel like I can relate to you in some ways. I believe that I have general anxiety (undiagnosed but my former therapist was leaning towards it, runs heavily in my family, and I have panic attacks) so I have also wondered if that's part of what deters me from being interested in sexual activity. My experience with foreplay type of stuff like making out has been all over the place. I've made out with a couple of guys that I liked and was completely repulsed by it, but now I enjoy making out with my current boyfriend, just no desire for anything further. His hands roam around more these days and he's actually tried to masturbate for me before which I thought I would like when I would fantasize about it, but I am actually indifferent towards it in person. I've lied and told him I like it out of fear and for a while it was something he kept wanting to do with me until I was finally honest with him that I much rather do it myself.

I'm kind of just rambling but basically I'm not sure how much anxiety comes into play. I have felt very anxious about sexual activities and I used to panic a lot from someone touching me including my boyfriend, but after coming clean about certain things, I feel more comfortable being touchy with him. The thing is, I still don't desire sex. Like you, I still enjoy fantasies and even sexual things in my fantasies but I don't need them to play out in real life. I think the bottom line is, even if asexuality can stem from anxiety, it is still a valid way to feel in the moment and coming clean to your bf about your discomforts would help to clarify things. There's a lot more I have to tell my bf so I understand the fear. Something that also helped me was talking to a therapist about it.

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I think something that's worth explaining is that asexuality refers to the lack of sexual attraction, rather than the lack of pleasure from sex. The latter can be a result of the former, but they don't always go hand in hand.

If you don't really feel physically attracted to your boyfriend or men in general, you might be asexual.

If you are attracted to him, your lack of pleasure could be the result of a number of different things - like you yourself and others have mentioned, it could be a kind of anxiety. Or it could just be that he's not very good at what he's doing, being new to it. Women and men don't always feel pleasure in the same way, so without more direction he's not going to be Casanova. I think the best thing you can do in this situation is not to lie about it as then he'll never learn.

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Kumo, I was thinking about that, a lot. Yes, I know I should be honest with him, but since I wasn't then telling him about it is going to be hurtful even more, I guess. Because I lied about something not that good, and now am going to tell him both about these lies and about my feelings. I just don't think I am ready for causing him that much of a disappointment. About the psychological piece, I think my emotions are caused more by my fears and anxiety than the act itself. But I know I need to talk to him and get this straight, I'm just not sure, how to explain the way I'm feeling. He seemed concerned when I told him "it wasn't bad" because he blamed himself for not being able to make me feel good, that's why I'm so anxious about this whole thing.

GwendolynAngel83, funny how your opinion makes me both relieved and scared. Saying it's asexuality would mean there's nothing wrong with me (more than what already is ;) ), but it would also mean that I could lose him if he values it that much. Or, at least, deal with some problems in our relationship.

Ariel808, good to know I am not the only one here. Talking to someone else about this doesn't make me feel comfortable, especially since I didn't exactly have luck with realtionships patient-therapist. If everything worked out for you and your boyfriend, I don't see why it would be so horrible for me. Thank you a lot, this really helped me calm down a bit, at least I know there are survivors :D

Titus Oates, I am aware of that, but I don't think I feel sexual attraction towards anyone - based on the definition. It's more like only the idea of any sexual activities is appealing to me, but when I try to precisely think of a person to engage in those with, it turns out completely uninteresting.

Thank you all for answering ^_^

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I hope you can work things out too ^_^

Some questions I asked myself to try to distance it from my anxiety are:

Have I ever had the urge to have sex with someone purely based on physical needs?

Am I content with fulfilling any libido with no sex or just masturbation?

Do I desire sex with someone outside of simply wanting to please them but also for my own sake?

I think answering yes to these helped me believe that my anxiety has little to do with my asexuality. I think if you were sexual, you'd be anxious in the situation as you are now, but you'd also be incredibly sexually frustrated because you would want to have sex but are too afraid to. It seems to me like you are more afraid of your bf knowing you're not into it, rather than really wanting sex and being disappointed that you're too anxious to participate.

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It's very irritating to read a paragraph that is completely underlined. :(

The thing is, my boyfriend is a person - don't mind the word - overly needy when it comes to that.

Oh dear, oh dear, this reminds me of myself right now too much. ^^ I think you have to tell him. It was a similar situation for me and my girlfriend, we'd already gone pretty far(though not as far as you), and then she suddenly went "I don't want to kiss you anymore" :|.

But when I thought about it, I realized that she'd been doing all that sexy stuff just to please me, and I was actually touched that she would care about me that much, and not the least bit angry that she hadn't said it earlier. And we got a lot closer the following months. So yeah, I'd suggest to try honesty. :)

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Lithsensual: feeling sensual attraction but either over time or immediately the act leavs you indifferent, turned off, or repulsed. I suppose Gray-lithsensual could exist; only lithsensual on certain things. You said the idea seemed pleasing, but did you ever desire to do it? Some ppl are repulsed by being given what they do not desire, so that wouldn't be lithsensual. It would be Gray-sensual though. Some asexuals are turned off by things they view may lead to or happen durring sex, maybe that's it.

Sexual attraction: genital arousal due to the existance of another person (uninfluenced; not due to a turn-on spot or fetish) and the desire to have sex with them. If you have neither then that is asexual. Having only one can qualify as asexual as well.

I get that you don't want to insult him, but think of it like a bandaid. It needs to be said. (Sorry, I'm blunt; i don't find the termoil in this/would irl weigh the crucialness of the information over his feelings.) As for the lying, say what you just said; you wanted to enjoy it, maybe even saying you expected it to get better, but it just got worse. He may even be satisfied by doing other sensual things you're ok with. If you feel nervous, calling him is an option. If he'll blame himself then tell him that in the same way someone can't change who they're attracted to, one can also not change what they are/aren't aroused by. Not every person's nipples are a turn-on spot (really). No matter how a partner may try, it isn't because of them.

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