Are My Parents Grey-A?

[nerdperson777]

I started thinking, my parents aren't very sexual people.

Mom is really sex-repulsed. She almost never calls someone good looking. She spent her entire life just studying and working hard. Boys were the last thing on her mind. She dated two men in her life, an incompatible awkward nerd and Dad. When she recalls when Dad proposed to her, she says, "I guess he was good looking at the time" and there wasn't a good reason to reject him. I would think she is sapio-something since over the years, we've found Dad to be really illogical and not the smartest guy out there, but he has a degree. She always said if she had to choose all over again, she would not choose him. She wished she married a smarter guy. Then my parents never slept in the same bed together ever. She only ever slept with me when I was younger and when we were on trips where there were only two beds for three people. Right now, there's even a joke that Dad likes to say, is that he should just walk into Mom's bed. She would kick him out so hard, it's not even funny. I want to say Mom is sapio (hetero?)-romantic demisexual. I know she likes talking to smarter people, but whether she'd love them is another thing. At first I thought aromantic but she says she can love, but being aro may not let me feel it. She really only loved our dog. She treated him so much better than Dad and I when he was still alive. And my last point to backup demisexual is that she got obsessed with the classical crossover violinist David Garrett and even called him good looking. It's a shocker when she says someone is good looking. She experiences aesthetic attraction and would say a dress looks good on some female celebrity on TV.

As for Dad, I think he's really heteronormative. But he could be a heteromantic grey-A for all I know. He makes sex jokes and jokes about women, and sometimes even puts me at the butt of the joke, which I try not let my dysphoria get to me when he does. If Mom refuses to sleep in the same bed with him, there must be some reason that he is able to last for the past 20+ years like this. His illogical mind praised himself, saying that he's such a good husband because he isn't cheating on Mom. Wow. That makes a good husband? How many good husbands are out there then?

Living in a sex-negative family started making me think about this. What do you guys think?

[WoodwindWhistler]

Everything you said sounds plausible. It may even be that your mom is confusing obsessive or intense squishes for crushes, as lots of aromantics do. It seems, *if she is not asexual, she is graysexual or lithesexual, in that she does not have "needs" that eat at her.

It's perfectly logical to look at other men who cheat on their wives and hurt them and tear up their families, and look at yourself and say you are at least a better husband than they are. That part is factual enough, the only question then is can you apply the term "good." Is he *not a good husband, by your perspective? The only negative thing you've mentioned to us was the sex jokes, and teasing you. What about everything else in your lives? If someone isn't that smart, that's not their fault, neither is it their fault for not being the "ideal" partner for their spouse. The sex jokes either could be just socialized into him, not stemming from any innate high or average sex drive, *or* it could be a passive aggressive way of getting back at your mom (or subconsciously so). If it's the latter, then yes, I'd say he does have some superhuman ability to take emotional neglect, perhaps even abuse and sexual deprivation and stick around. (seriously, a dog a lot more than a person??? Does she say stuff like "I wish I had married someone smarter" or "I wouldn't choose you again" to his face??? D: That'd be just cruel. Then again, she doesn't have to say it to act it out in body language and everyday actions) Likewise, her idea that she should even be married in the first place also could just be socialized into her.

(and, who's to say- another man possibly would have left or tried to force themselves on her by now- by many twisted up peoples' views spouses "owe" their partners sex).

There are a lot of tangled issues here. If she ever realizes that she'd be just as happy being alone, that might allow her to stop resenting him for "taking the place" of some nebulous person she *might have had. Possibly she could relax into the arrangement you have, because it's convenient, and you all know each other well (and maybe love each other in a dysfunctional type way?).

Perhaps if her discomfort about the bed stems from the fact that she's afraid it will lead to something she's not interested or uncomfortable with rather than the action of allowing just that, honesty about what she wants and doesn't could lead them being more "loving" in a nonsexual, and even nonromantic way, towards each other, i.e., being considerate and empathetic.

What does she think about the sex jokes? Does she treat it as just a man being a man? Do they disgust her? Does she tune them out through a defense mechanism? Has she ever asked him to stop? If so, what was his response?

Neither of the above scenarios can happen if no one ever talks to them about it from these angles, and that may be too much to ask for you to be their impromptu counselor. Have you come out to them? And honestly, I believe a traditional marriage counselor would do more harm than good here, because they do not have the context and knowledge from this site that you have. Your intuition, that they may both be on the spectrum, is probably a lot more trustworthy than any "diagnosis" of repression or whatever else a typical therapist would try to treat with the aim of re-establishing sexual contact. After all, you've lived with them your entire life. No one knows or can know them as well as you do, only give possible perspectives.

[nerdperson777]

I think Dad also teases Mom, but less frequent than me, probably just because of my age range. The young generation must find everything sexy! No, not really.

Dad is normally a really calm person. He has this obsession with doing nice things for people (which I inherited) in return for praise (I just want good friends). He never really complained about doing more stuff around the house, like cooking dinner and cleaning areas outside the house. Mom handles the inside. But lately, ever since high school senior year, I've found him a bit more emotional. He always tells me, "I don't get mad anymore" because it doesn't help anything. The way I see it, he gets mad even more. So for the past year or two, he'd be doing something, and if either one of us, Mom or I, criticizes him, he just says "I'm not doing it anymore." He likes to think he's the most helpful person in the world. Mom doesn't say it to his face because he'll just get upset so easily. Once we were texting about food. She said Dad made this one dish again (too frequently is the problem), but she doesn't want to criticize Dad because she won't have dinner when she gets home. I don't find that a really positive relationship. But my family is all practical so I can't do anything about it, especially when I'm at school.

Dad likes to say the reason Mom is like this is because she came to America with a sister when she was 14 and they pretty much did everything on their own. It explains why she does things for herself a lot, but I don't think that explains why she's uninterested in relationships. The sister that came with her was a total hopeless romantic (and ironically, my mom is the one who ended up being married instead of her).

We do actually love each other in a dysfunctional way. I told my friend some problems I had with Mom raising me (that's a different thread) and she called my family dysfunctional. I don't see my parents as loving each other. Right now they're just housemates that have to sometimes talk taxes and expenses with each other. Mom finds no reason for a divorce since it's not like either one of them will marry again. She says it's really just in name only.

Well, we really mostly just do boob jokes and Dad trying to get intimate with Mom. I guess they aren't exactly sex jokes. And by intimate, it's even trying to get them to kiss or touch each other affectionately, since that has never happened. I found spending 30 minutes in my friend's house had a more affectionate atmosphere than 20 years in my house. Mom usually knows Dad's joking so she doesn't say much. Family is pretty chill until an argument spews out. Usually now it's an unreasonable argument from Dad, sometimes used to purposely troll Mom. Anything could happen really.

[PatheticGirl]

Even I don't find my parents sexual. Though being from old school of thoughts, they wouldn't accept asexualtiy... Questions comes down to the right one...feelings develop

[nerdperson777]

Dad's kinda traditional minded, while Mom's more modern and accepting of new ideas. I started developing feelings at the age of 18 when I finally left my bubble of a home. I actually felt like I was finally growing up mentally and emotionally. It was weird.