"Mixed" Relationship Opinions?

[n7vulcan]

So, I don't usually make a habit of shelling out too many personal issues to the world, but I figured of all the places to ask for others opinions...

The last serious relationship that I was in, which lasted for four years, ended messily over the fact that I wasn't up for engaging in any kind of sexual intercourse (I wasn't out even to myself at that time, and was still sort of searching/in denial, but I still wasn't interested in that sort of behavior). Long story short, I had one relationship after that, but it didn't last long for other reasons, and I really haven't been presented with the opportunity to be in one since.

One of these opportunities has just crossed my path. I'm 99% sure that he is not asexual himself, and I haven't told him yet that I am. If I decide to pursue an actual relationship with him, I would tell him and make sure that he was okay with that right from the start. However, I don't want to have this relationship end up being messy over something as straightforward as my "orientation". We are old friends that have recently reunited. A part of me only wants to pursue a relationship with another another asexual-spectrum-oriented person (ace, demi, or grey), but I don't want to exclude a potentially good relationship. Our personalities are rather compatible. At this point in my life, I don't want to spend a year on a relationship that won't last if this will be a serious issue to contend with, and it won't be the end of the world if we do not pursue a romantic relationship with each other.

Anyhow, my point is to ask for some opinions on "mixed" relationships (asexual/sexual), and if they have or haven't worked for anyone in the past/present. There seems to be a lot of stuff on both sides of the topic around here.

Cheers. :)

[Bad_Mr_Tree]

I'm in a mixed relationship now and it is bloody hard.

One of the most important things to do is to have open communication. Not only with the other person, but with yourself. Any relationship, and a mixed one even more so, requires compromises. Productive compromises can only be had when we know ourselves enough, otherwise one or both persons will give more than they actually can, and two, three or four months later a fight with ensue.

Not only do we have to know ourselves, we need to listen. This can be complicated by outside stressors, poor relationship modeling during childhood, etc.

My sexual partner was taught from a young age to subordinate all her needs to her parents, or anyone she "loved". This has made her compromise with me on levels that didn't create relationship harmony. She recognizes this and is working on it but it is a long road.

As I discover the nature of my asexuality more, I am comfortable with less, and I've learned that to truly enjoy or be comfortable with certain things I need time.

Unfortunately the last few times I've asked for time and understanding I received rage instead. This is unacceptable to me given the nature of our relationship now.

If you want to avoid this, I'd suggest thinking about these things:

1) what your needs and desire are for a long term relationship with a romantic partner(s)?

-what needs do you feel must be satisfied in that relationship for you to compromise in other areas?

2) understanding how you and your friend compromise and renegotiate compromises that no longer work.

- what works for a partner one year, might not the next. Nothing should be set in stone, we are living, changing beings so a view that words and people shouldn't change is destructive

3) understand what type of relationships they have with their parents, how their primary relationship models act, and what your partner thinks about them?

- if they want a relationship like their parents, and outline what is good about it, if any of it shocks you, its a good sign that you shouldn't further intertwine your lives

4) understand how you and them react to stress

- if you desire less physical contact when you are stressed, and they desire more, this can open all sorts of rifts.

[ This has led to many problems for me even after conversations. When I am stressed, I DO NOT WANT TO BE TOUCHED OR TOUCH ANYONE. My partner needs affection to feel better, so after a period of time, will try to touch me making my state even worse...)]

These aren't questions that should be asked once, because peoples needs and personalities do change.

For myself, I'd also add the following things to think about:

1) do you need a romantic partner to get x, y, z? Would two or three friendships suffice instead?

2) do you want to have many romantic partners?

If you partner functions with the understanding of there is "the one" in life, this might make a person feel warm and fuzzy in the beginning, but leads to more problems if the other partner doesn't have the same view.

I had the understanding of "the one" before, but I don't now. I've learned that I need many people in my life, and my apartment, to help me realize all my social and emotional needs. I can't find it from a single person.

I hope some of this helps! Good luck!

[dash]

It can work. I have an ace friend who has been in a mixed relationship for... five years now? Something like that? And they plan to get married. It can work.

But good communication is KEY. When my friend realized she was asexual, she sat down with her bf and they had that conversation right away.

[Oddball-Meo]

K.tree summed it up pretty good actually. It is bloody hard! However it can work with understanding, communication,effort and a great deal of love.

I have been in a "mixed" relationship for 3 and half years...and I can't honestly say I would ever choose to be in a "mixed" relationship again if this one goes south. While it is working out for me right now, I still feel guilt for being unable to satisfy his needs and a lot of internal stress/pressure. One of the most stressful parts of this type of relationships is wondering if your partner is going to be ok with no or very little sex 4-6 years from now. Because like k.tree said, people change and therefore what works now might not work later.

I think you should think long and hard before entering a relationship with a sexual person. Not saying this because your relationships will crash and burn for sure but because there are more factors to consider than some people realise.

So in my opinion, yes it can work but you shouldn't enter this sort of relationship lightly.

[Tarfeather]

I'm a (hyper-)sexual in a relationship with an asexual, and the absence of sex is hands down the last thing I'm worried about. Much more trouble arising from her priorities, which result in things like us not meeting each other in private more than maybe 5 times a year.

So yeah, sex the ONLY issue? You've got a heavenly relationship right there, my friend, carry on.

[Galaxia]

I was in a "mixed" relationship for about 2 years. Both of us did our best -- he was understanding and I was trying to fill this "sex gap" with something else. Even being a demi didn't help us much, because after building a really strong connection to him, I still was not able to get sexually attracted to him. I think it was our point of no return. Having sex for sexual people is one of proofs that you love this person and even if they try not to care about not having sex that much, sooner or later, when some other issues appear (and they will do it in any case), it starts to grow bigger and bigger, it may be not the main reason, but it will bring them down anyway.

Finally we realized that it was not gonna work for us anymore. I became "not the right one".

[Tarfeather]

btw, regarding the OP's situation specifically..

We are old friends that have recently reunited. A part of me only wants to pursue a relationship with another another asexual-spectrum-oriented person (ace, demi, or grey), but I don't want to exclude a potentially good relationship. Our personalities are rather compatible. At this point in my life, I don't want to spend a year on a relationship that won't last if this will be a serious issue to contend with, and it won't be the end of the world if we do not pursue a romantic relationship with each other.

Sorry, but isn't this awfully.. pragmatic? The way you're weighting the pro's and con's seems much like the way I would consider buying a new laptop. "Okay, if I buy a new one, I want it to last at least 3 years, but maybe I should wait a bit more until the new series comes out.." Not trying to insult you, but the way you're talking makes me extremely doubtful that you're taking this seriously, and that you actually care about this person enough for *any* kind of relationship, much less one that's problematic by definition.

My mixed relationship works because I care about my partner as a person more than I did previously care about the things I was seeking in a relationship.

[Xavy]

Mixed relationships never worked for me. If I had to be in a relationship now, I would much prefer it to be with another asexual.

[Bad_Mr_Tree]

btw, regarding the OP's situation specifically..

We are old friends that have recently reunited. A part of me only wants to pursue a relationship with another another asexual-spectrum-oriented person (ace, demi, or grey), but I don't want to exclude a potentially good relationship. Our personalities are rather compatible. At this point in my life, I don't want to spend a year on a relationship that won't last if this will be a serious issue to contend with, and it won't be the end of the world if we do not pursue a romantic relationship with each other.

Sorry, but isn't this awfully.. pragmatic? The way you're weighting the pro's and con's seems much like the way I would consider buying a new laptop. "Okay, if I buy a new one, I want it to last at least 3 years, but maybe I should wait a bit more until the new series comes out.." Not trying to insult you, but the way you're talking makes me extremely doubtful that you're taking this seriously, and that you actually care about this person enough for *any* kind of relationship, much less one that's problematic by definition.

My mixed relationship works because I care about my partner as a person more than I did previously care about the things I was seeking in a relationship.

It's an attempt to understand. I don't think we need to invalidate someone else's approach because it doesn't meet our personal criteria for what is "serious".

It would be beneficial for all of us if you could instead describe the patterns of interaction you have with your partner and how you view them to be necessary or conducive to a relationship that "works".

[Tarfeather]

Calm down. It's just a point of view. If that wasn't obvious before, I say it now: Anything I say only reflects my own mentality and viewpoints. You should always look at it as such, and not assume that I claim to know more about you than you do yourself. Take it as a different viewpoint to consider, then judge it based on your understanding of your own situation, which tends to be better than mine.

[Bad_Mr_Tree]

Calm down. It's just a point of view. If that wasn't obvious before, I say it now: Anything I say only reflects my own mentality and viewpoints. You should always look at it as such, and not assume that I claim to know more about you than you do yourself. Take it as a different viewpoint to consider, then judge it based on your understanding of your own situation, which tends to be better than mine.

I took that as given. It still doesn't change the fact that your statement invalidates the OPs approach.

Many of us here are trying to construct a positive place for people to share experiences. I try to contribute in a positive fashion, and I hope you are as well, but responses like the one above make that especially difficult to see in threads like this.

[Ace of Cakes]

I have been in a "mixed" relationship for 3 and half years...and I can't honestly say I would ever choose to be in a "mixed" relationship again if this one goes south. While it is working out for me right now, I still feel guilt for being unable to satisfy his needs and a lot of internal stress/pressure.

Wow. This is me exactly, except we've only been dating for 10 months. I think I would be okay in another mixed relationship, but I don't feel as though I would be being fair to that imaginary future partner. That's just me though, not trying to say you shouldn't consider a mixed relationship; just something to consider!

Like others have said, it's hard, but not impossible, and communication is key. I find my relationship to be very fulfilling and I love my boyfriend a lot, so it can definitely work. Whatever you decide, good luck!

[The Great WTF]

I'm going to ask that this thread remain on topic and any concerns members have about the way their peers are posting be reported or taken up with a mod or administrator, not policed in-thread. As this is a personal matter, the OP is welcome to ignore or ask that any questioning that they are uncomfortable with be dropped.

The Great WTF

Asexual Relationships Moderator

[n7vulcan]

I've been away for a couple of weeks, hence the late response. Not to sound rude, but I'm not going to even going to grace Tarfeather with a proper response as I am rather offended at your quick jump to assume that you know me and my actual feelings/actions. I don't take relationships lightly.

Anyhow, I thank you all for the advice! It's nice to hear some other opinions to aid me in my decision making. :)

[012]

Flaming train wreck for me, but that's not necessarily the case for others. It seems like some people make it work just fine, I suppose it just depends on the dynamic between the two people and they both probably have to be willing to compromise some.

[ozzythefabulous]

I've only ever had mixed relationships and they have never seemed to work for me about 1-2 months is the longest I've ever managed to make one last

[Aranea]

I'm in a mixed relationship, have been for 7 months, and it's very, very hard. I'm still struggling with guilt and am constantly worried that my partner isn't getting the satisfaction he wants. He's extremely respectful for the most part, but I can tell he's hoping for things like making out while cuddling in bed, and it's not flying with me. Thank goodness he stops when he realises my lips are staying zip-locked tight.

We talk about it. A lot. Anytime I feel really awful, I force myself to find some way to discuss it. He asks questions, I explain. We redefine boundaries. Hell, I'm trying to figure out how to explain to him that making out = very, very sexual to me (since who knows, it could be strictly romantic to him). And, it's taking compromising. I'm a very no-touch person for many reasons, but I've made myself get comfortable with cuddling and being close. I've even learned to feel safe around him most of the time, and can be cuddled with little or no problems now. I'm hoping to get over the making out thing soon. Lord knows he's been patient this long, I ought to just grab some mouthwash and suck it up and then swish and rinse for an hour.

Seriously, though, like with any relationship, communication is a must, about asexuality and more. I really, really like this guy - I think I got extremely lucky as far as allos go - and I want this to last as long as it possibly can. Whether that means no sex forever or me eventually yielding and slowly learning the ropes of it all, I don't know. Is it complicated? Oh, yes. But, he's very compromising, and I'm trying to be, and I can see myself with this guy for years. Maybe like, two. Not marriage, not yet. But having a little flat with a cat? Yes, I can see that. I can see vacations and fun times and... It's scary.

But, I try not to let our lack of a sex life distract from the reason he and I are together: because we like each other. I'm even starting to wonder if I love him. So yes, mixed relationships are extremely hard, and I can only see it getting harder as the months turn into years and as things really start to get serious. But, I'm willing to put the work in, and he is too, and I think he's worth it.

[MacAran]

I'm in a mixed relationship at the moment too. I've been with this girl for several years, and only within the last year or so have really come to recognize that I'm asexual. It's been tough, but we're trying to make it work. Our relationship is doubly mixed because she's poly and I'm not. Honestly though, a lot of the problems we're having would still be problems of I weren't ace and she weren't poly. It's just that those two things exacerbate issues we're already having. Personally, I wouldn't rule out trying a mixed relationship. They're a lot of work, but so is any relationship. We're just forced to be more aware of that in mixed cases, Just be upfront about it. Explain what you are ok with, and what you are not. Also be honest about what you could see yourself growing to be more ok with, and what will simply never be on the table. I think a false hope that something will change that you know never will is one of the biggest things to watch out for.

[Kuromi Akumura]

Not a mixed romantic relationship but a mixed QP one. My zucchini is a hetro male so I was sceptical I found a not-a-perv guy ( no offences to men but usually there will be positives sexual ego ect) but he was a rare guy who doesn't want lust. To him s*x is optional I fact he is very happy with a non-sexual partnership , he feels like if it has lust then it will become based on lust. He doesn't feel it's genuine because he knows where it leads and how it changed the dynamic of companionship. He also doesn't trust himself that it won't end up revolving around s*x. He knew I was asexual aromantic and repulsed when he had just a crush on me and knew what he was asking for and getting into. He wants a mental and emotional I intimacy not sexual. Though he is a sexual who sometimes doesn't think with him head if you know what I mean. It's all about understanding where the other is about it. Because he does not value it then it makes it easier to forget about it because he is t thinking about what he doesn't have. He is very affection based tho and I like cuddles and chaste kisses so affection wise it's all sensual and good. I do sometimes feel like he be happier with another hetro and feel guilty but if he is happy with this the.n I don't try to question it. A sexual compromise tho is just a no I am very repulsed and he would y want to do anything if it was just for him because to him that's not expressing love if I don't have that desire or expression for it it's just lust. He is becoming celibate which I did feel bad or like I was forcing him because I just heard of how ALLOS want s*x so much. Open or poly relationship is out of the question for both of us. I do have a struggle with feeling like he isn't getting the sexual content he desires I know he respect me and doesn't want me to do anything I do t want but I know he has a sexual side that craves it and does have that satisfaction doing it but he says it's not him he doesn't want it making who he is. He wants to control it or make it something he likes. It's have to feel like he is just as happy without it when he did kinda accidentally cheat for sexual intimacy with me now ex friend that was pressuring him but still he did say shamefully how it made him feel at the time doing it. Another time he got too energetic with the kisses and didn't respect my no to making out and did it anyway and I felt like I was forced to let him do it tho he does lack that self control and relies on me to be an anchor to stop things from escalating.

I know not every allo will be okay with abandoning their sexual life for a ace but this is the only way a mix can work for me so it takes allot of communication knowing how they feel about it. Don't do something that you want if it will make them miserable like forcing or pressuring them I to sexual things. If someone in the mix relationship is uncomfortable with a so called compromise then it's a no. I think mixes only work if you find someone with a similar view on s*x as your own. As well as knows that you can't change them or 'awaken' them. You need to understand the others sexuality before you even think about going into a mix.