Ugh...fantasies...Why? How?

[CounterCulture]

I guess I have a lot of concerns that t I need to vent and get some advice on. I am a 27 year old straight-ish female who recently just started analyzing her sexual desire(s)/sex life/ relationship concerns, etc. My longest relationship was 2.5 years and I was miserable for most of it (the best part was when it was long distance).

In my early twenties I partied a fair amount, and found myself having sex with a fair amount of men, emotional attachment limited. Sure, I dated here and there, but most of the time I had zero desire to forge a relationship, or the feelings to stay invested in one. In high school I had one boyfriend I am (pretty sure) I loved. I was devastated when I realized we would never get back togethger. I am not sure I have ever got over that "juvenile" partnership. Love is something I have very conflicted pessimistic feelings on. Other than him (a decade ago), it seems I have only wanted men to find me sexually attractive. I could admire the attractiveness in others---but did/do I have fantasies about sex? No. I enjoyed giving them pleasure (feeling accomplished in something)...but really only had orgasms from masturbation, which was in itself fairly rare. (like I said, I very very very rarely find myself aroused on my own). It should also be said I only really masturbate when I am bored. I never feel turned on or whatever, then decide to "take care of it". Porn and erotica sometimes turns me on...but all in all it just seems like a lot of work to even get myself off. I watch it mostly for entertainment sometimes.

Ok, so here is my real concern----I know I am currently attracted to certain people, like I feel like I want to be close to them. I have fantasies about intimate conversations and cuddling...but sex leaves my mind wondering to other things. Now that I am older (and sober more) (I think) the more I know a person, the more I want to "be with them". "Being" with them still doesn't muster up sexual arousal or desire. But even non sexually.. it seems like I am the most attracted to those (or have crushes on) who are the WORST for me. Men with girlfriends, women with manipulative over-emotional mind games...people with drug addictions...and immature non-committal whatevers. Is this the case because I am sabotaging romantic OR sexual relationships?

I don't know if I belong here. Am I asexual? probably not. Once engaged in foreplay I can and have gotten turned on in the past and had *fairly* satisfying intercourse. Orgasms....ha, no one really has the patience (besides one crazy girl I dated a while ago). But recently, when things are getting heated (with whomever), I just want to get the hell out of there. Being touched sexually makes my skin crawl. I want to be left alone. I never used to really feel this way.....I wasn't horny and down to go all the time either...but I at least didn't feel so angry and threatened about being touched. Am I maturing in a way that looks past just feeling desired as "enough"? Have I advanced into actually needing to be "in love" or at least interested in a person to want to be sexual instead of "oh he's attractive enough and wants to bang me"?

The biggest question I have is why I have NEVER really create my own sexual fantasies or think about sex? My fantasies are emotional/philosophical ones.

Any advice would be a great help. I know I went all over the place in this post...but please feel free to comment on whatever. I truly appreciate anything.

[njosnavelin]

I am sorry I won’t help you much with your sexual fantasy. However your post sounds like a high state of consciousness or euphoric state you are wanting to reach. You want to be teased, played with, and orgasmed with a partner who will do that to your mind and not your body.

There is something intelligent and forward thinking in your words that is wanting to achieve ecstasy beyond the physical. I like your thinking. It is cutting edge sci-fi and raw to the heart of our spirit and soul. It almost seem like a drug or pill could be made to put into that state of mind.

I might be reading something else in your words. This is what came to my mind.

[CounterCulture]

Thanks for the response. You are right... I don't want to experience arousal and pleasure only physically. It just seems as though now that I am in a place of deliberate recapping, my sexual history seems contrived and confusing. We know the media depicts is anything but ideal...but I struggle with this overwhelming loss it seems.

I am a very intellectual/quasi spiritual person who thinks about issues of sexuality and intimacy (among many others) in complex (often frustrating existenial) ways. If this is the case then perhaps I "just need to meet the right person"---as they say. I am not convinced that will fix all these questions I have---like any holistic quest, they are life-long. Someone else can't just come along and validate all this. But I haven't given up hope just yet that I will someday be at peace with my sexuality. Thanks again for your thoughts. :)

[Schrecken]

Well, I don't think you are alone - in fact, I've had very similar (fantasy) experiences for most of my life, where I would fantasize about pretty much everything BUT sex with someone I was interested in. I would become attracted to someone, and I could imagine myself doing lots of things with him, but sex, especially tradition heterosexual intercourse, did not exist in my fantasies. I could also have orgasms easily from masturbation, but I could never imagine having one from having sex with anyone. And like you, I have also picked some real doozies in the past - men who were totally wrong for me or were simply unavailable (one was gay, for instance - either that or he was bisexual and just happened to be with a man at the time, but either way...), and none of it ever worked out at all.

I personally have considered myself to be grey-a, which in my case means I have occasional (I'm 44 and I've only been attracted to an amount of men I can count on one hand - well, and maybe a finger or two of the second hand, so that is very, very few) attractions and desire to do some sexual things (like foreplay) with them but not have sexual intercourse. But I'm a little different from you in that my fantasies were *sexual* in nature (even by a sexual person's standards) but I just had no interest in sex. You might also be demi - maybe you've not had enough time to develop a sexual attraction (especially since you said some didn't have much patience for you) to someone you're getting to know. But only you can figure out if you are grey-a, demi, or whatever.

As for not having an orgasm during the times you have had sex, that really isn't uncommon (I can't comment on same sex female relationships, as I'm totally hetero-romantic) during male/female penis in vagina sex. Most women can't have an orgasm without some clitoral stimulation, and that seldom happens during sex. So a woman could be fully sexual and have that problem.