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How and when did you know you were trans?


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The first book I ever read about trans issues was Luna by Julie Anne Peters and I'm still mad about how horrible being trans was portrayed as being. I wrote to the author. She said she had trans friends and that that's what it's really like. Thanks for nothing, Ms. Peters.

Oh, that sucks.

As an adult I got halfway through the book and put it down. One, it wasn't especially accurate about trans. (lol the scene where Luna infodumps her sister about the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care, as if trans people talk that way). It didn't read as "authentic" at all, and the writing was pretty clumsy at times. Two, it was from the point of view of the cis sister, and don't want to read yet another book about a cis person having to learn to deal with a trans person and understand them -- I want to read trans perspectives. Three, it was just a boring, boring book. I couldn't make myself care enough about the characters to finish it.

You know what I think happened? There just plain weren't any books about there for that age range about trans issues. So the first thing that gets published -- even if it's clumsy, inaccurate, preachy, whiny, or just plain boring -- gets all the accolades. YAY, NOW WE CAN INCLUDE TRANS ISSUES ON OUR READING LIST AND CHECK OFF THAT DIVERSITY CHECKBOX! /cis educators pat themselves on the back/ "It had to be good! It got published, right???"

I've seen this happen before with other LGBT-themed books. It's sad.

And there may have been elements in that book that were like her friends, but that doesn't make it representative of all trans people, and it doesn't mean she has the right to dismiss the points of view of trans readers for whom it was not like their experience, or who have other criticisms of the book. Plus, I take it she means that she had trans friends like that from her perspective -- facts aren't truths, of a people, or a nation, or a community, or an identity. A story can have all the right "facts" inserted in, in awkward places (e.g. "let me tell you about the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care!") and still be telling the wrong story entirely -- here, a story about a trans person as seen through cis eyes, a story about a cis protagonist coming to terms with her own ignorance as a screen for the author to hide behind about her own ignorance, a story where the trans person "teaches the readers about trans" for the whole duration of the book rather than just being herself, a dynamic interesting person who happens also to be about trans. That was one of my biggest criticisms of the (first half of the) book -- Luna is in the book to "teach the readers what it means to be trans," and isn't herself a character. Which is super ironic given that she's the title character!

She's a mouthpiece for "trans-ness." "Trans", in quotes, is all she is. How then does one communicate to cis readers that trans people are much more than this, and further, that no one has a "duty" to educate? One can read this book and come out feeling like any question they want to ask a trans person is appropriate, anywhere, any time, because that's what this trans person is there for, right? To teach you!

I didn't think the book was THAT bad. And I certainly didn't think it was boring. And I myself was already familiar with the Benjamin Standards and if I'd had anybody who was interested enough to ask, I would have happily cited them. I still can cite various versions. But I did think it suggested that:

1. The average reaction to people being trans was hostile- that being violently hostile to trans people was something perfectly nice people might be. That's not a message I want allies sharing.

2. That being trans was equivalent to being horrendously depressed (which it sometimes is, even in our own narratives- I think frankly that we tend to overplay it ourselves). As a trans person who had at that point heard NOT ONE OTHER trans narrative, who was desperately trying to figure out a future that let me come out alive, this book just didn't feel hopeful. I really don't feel that this is a terrible portrayal if it's one in a hundred portrayals. But as the only one... man, it made me feel awful.

3. That being trans involved self mutilation. Luna tries to cut off her own penis. Now, admittedly, there are trans women out there who have self-castrated or worse. And when I was about ten, I attempted to cut off one of my breasts (I have a small scar now). But honestly, I don't feel comfortable with that as the focus.

I felt that this book read as true in enough ways to be horrendously painful. I wouldn't be shocked if my oldest brother found it cathartic to read - I know it wasn't easy being my brother, and that like Luna, my trans-ness caused a lot of family turmoil and public humiliation.

But given that Julie Ann Peters writes lots about lesbian and gay happy people, who are reasonably accepted and not gay bashed, I think it's telling that her trans stories (Luna's not the only one) are her violent stories.

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The first book I ever read about trans issues was Luna by Julie Anne Peters and I'm still mad about how horrible being trans was portrayed as being. I wrote to the author. She said she had trans friends and that that's what it's really like. Thanks for nothing, Ms. Peters.

Oh, that sucks.

As an adult I got halfway through the book and put it down. One, it wasn't especially accurate about trans. (lol the scene where Luna infodumps her sister about the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care, as if trans people talk that way). It didn't read as "authentic" at all, and the writing was pretty clumsy at times. Two, it was from the point of view of the cis sister, and don't want to read yet another book about a cis person having to learn to deal with a trans person and understand them -- I want to read trans perspectives. Three, it was just a boring, boring book. I couldn't make myself care enough about the characters to finish it.

You know what I think happened? There just plain weren't any books about there for that age range about trans issues. So the first thing that gets published -- even if it's clumsy, inaccurate, preachy, whiny, or just plain boring -- gets all the accolades. YAY, NOW WE CAN INCLUDE TRANS ISSUES ON OUR READING LIST AND CHECK OFF THAT DIVERSITY CHECKBOX! /cis educators pat themselves on the back/ "It had to be good! It got published, right???"

I've seen this happen before with other LGBT-themed books. It's sad.

And there may have been elements in that book that were like her friends, but that doesn't make it representative of all trans people, and it doesn't mean she has the right to dismiss the points of view of trans readers for whom it was not like their experience, or who have other criticisms of the book. Plus, I take it she means that she had trans friends like that from her perspective -- facts aren't truths, of a people, or a nation, or a community, or an identity. A story can have all the right "facts" inserted in, in awkward places (e.g. "let me tell you about the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care!") and still be telling the wrong story entirely -- here, a story about a trans person as seen through cis eyes, a story about a cis protagonist coming to terms with her own ignorance as a screen for the author to hide behind about her own ignorance, a story where the trans person "teaches the readers about trans" for the whole duration of the book rather than just being herself, a dynamic interesting person who happens also to be about trans. That was one of my biggest criticisms of the (first half of the) book -- Luna is in the book to "teach the readers what it means to be trans," and isn't herself a character. Which is super ironic given that she's the title character!

She's a mouthpiece for "trans-ness." "Trans", in quotes, is all she is. How then does one communicate to cis readers that trans people are much more than this, and further, that no one has a "duty" to educate? One can read this book and come out feeling like any question they want to ask a trans person is appropriate, anywhere, any time, because that's what this trans person is there for, right? To teach you!

I didn't think the book was THAT bad. And I certainly didn't think it was boring. And I myself was already familiar with the Benjamin Standards and if I'd had anybody who was interested enough to ask, I would have happily cited them. I still can cite various versions. But I did think it suggested that:

1. The average reaction to people being trans was hostile- that being violently hostile to trans people was something perfectly nice people might be. That's not a message I want allies sharing.

2. That being trans was equivalent to being horrendously depressed (which it sometimes is, even in our own narratives- I think frankly that we tend to overplay it ourselves). As a trans person who had at that point heard NOT ONE OTHER trans narrative, who was desperately trying to figure out a future that let me come out alive, this book just didn't feel hopeful. I really don't feel that this is a terrible portrayal if it's one in a hundred portrayals. But as the only one... man, it made me feel awful.

3. That being trans involved self mutilation. Luna tries to cut off her own penis. Now, admittedly, there are trans women out there who have self-castrated or worse. And when I was about ten, I attempted to cut off one of my breasts (I have a small scar now). But honestly, I don't feel comfortable with that as the focus.

I felt that this book read as true in enough ways to be horrendously painful. I wouldn't be shocked if my oldest brother found it cathartic to read - I know it wasn't easy being my brother, and that like Luna, my trans-ness caused a lot of family turmoil and public humiliation.

But given that Julie Ann Peters writes lots about lesbian and gay happy people, who are reasonably accepted and not gay bashed, I think it's telling that her trans stories (Luna's not the only one) are her violent stories.

Oh, yikes. I never got to the "trying to cut off her own penis" scene. I'm glad I didn't. That this is a "focus" of the book I find even more troubling!

You say this book isn't "THAT awful," but from what you said after... it sure sounds THAT awful. As you correctly point out, it's not that having these narratives of trans lives out there in the world that's the problem, it's having them the dominant (or even ONLY) narrative of trans lives that's the problem, and it's especially problematic when these are the only narratives of our lives as told by cis would-be allies.

The only other book by Julie Anne Peters that I read was Keeping You A Secret, about a lesbian couple. I thought that was a much better book, and it read much more authentically, as well. It wasn't about a cis person trying to come to terms with someone they know being a lesbian, and didn't present being a lesbian in terms of a life of violence (self-inflicted or other-inflicted). It was about a woman discovering her sexuality.

Part of what I was trying to say above in saying that "facts aren't truths" is that yes even though it is common that trans youth consider or commit self-harm, presenting that as the only narrative, or the definitive narrative of trans lives, is problematic. That as a "fact" this is common does not make "I self-mulitate" the narrative truth about what it means to be a trans person. In fact, presenting this as the dominant narrative of trans lives, as you pointed out, can have the effect of teaching a whole new generation of trans kids to feel shitty about themselves rather than to have hope for their future. Authors have a responsibility to consider "how will these messages be received by the marginalized people I am writing about?", a complex question that doesn't have a clear answer, because everyone is different. The answer is not just about the content any one book -- it's about how the messages of that one book will be received in the context of what other messages are out there. (One bad book in a world of mostly good books won't cause much damage.)

As you said, if there had been ninety-nine other books that present trans people's lives as filled with hope and promise, then yes it's important to also show the darker aspects of things. But if the other books only show darkness and misery (or there are no other books out there at all), then what are trans youth reading it going to take away?

Fwiw the issue wasn't that the book contained info on the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. And it wasn't that Luna talked about it! The issue was that I found that particular scene to be written clumsily. I didn't find the dialogue to feel natural at all -- it felt like an infodump, and out of place for the scene it was in.

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I was 27 when I realised (recently actually) and for me there were hints all throughout my childhood but I never put the dots together. I never, ever felt like a "guys guy" and never felt like I fit in with guys (especially in highschool and university) but I mistook that feeling for just being nerdy and wierd. There wasn't a point before 27 where I felt like I was "female" because I misinterpreted these emotions as just being weird/odd/not fitting in etc.

It wasn't untill I realised I was asexual that I became open to accepting myself, whoever I was. I was sick of pretending to be someone I wasn't so I allowed myself to explore who I was. Not too long after this I realised I was bi-romantic too (after having a simultaneous crush on Danny Pink and Clara Oswald from Doctor Who). It was during this time where the wish of being born female crept up in my mind. It was subtle at first, a thought here, a thought there. Even then I didn't really put much thought into it.

Then it all came flooding in one giant, confusing and upsetting moment which lead me to look up transgender online and I started watching, reading and learning and out of desperation for help I stumbled across an IRC group which helped immensely. Realising and accepting I am trans has been one of the defining moments of my life and the more I accept myself and move towards transition the happier I have become.

I wanted to share my story because the common narrative of "I feel trapped in my own body", "I knew when I was a kid" was hard for me to connect with. Maybe by sharing my story someone will read it and find some measure of help.

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butterflydreams

I was 27 when I realised (recently actually) and for me there were hints all throughout my childhood but I never put the dots together. I never, ever felt like a "guys guy" and never felt like I fit in with guys (especially in highschool and university) but I mistook that feeling for just being nerdy and wierd. There wasn't a point before 27 where I felt like I was "female" because I misinterpreted these emotions as just being weird/odd/not fitting in etc.

It wasn't untill I realised I was asexual that I became open to accepting myself, whoever I was. I was sick of pretending to be someone I wasn't so I allowed myself to explore who I was. Not too long after this I realised I was bi-romantic too (after having a simultaneous crush on Danny Pink and Clara Oswald from Doctor Who). It was during this time where the wish of being born female crept up in my mind. It was subtle at first, a thought here, a thought there. Even then I didn't really put much thought into it.

Then it all came flooding in one giant, confusing and upsetting moment which lead me to look up transgender online and I started watching, reading and learning and out of desperation for help I stumbled across an IRC group which helped immensely. Realising and accepting I am trans has been one of the defining moments of my life and the more I accept myself and move towards transition the happier I have become.

I wanted to share my story because the common narrative of "I feel trapped in my own body", "I knew when I was a kid" was hard for me to connect with. Maybe by sharing my story someone will read it and find some measure of help.

Wow. Just, wow. Are you secretly my twin or something? Your story sounds so much like me it's creepy! I love it! We're almost exactly the same age too! I also never felt like a "guys guy" and the handful of guy friends I had in high school were mostly all friends of a friend who I'd known since I was 11. The older I got, the more we diverged. Thrust into a completely new world in college, who did I immediately gravitate towards? The women there. I never had any real friends in college, but almost all of my proto-friendships were with women. Guy "friends" I did have were mostly borne of proximity, because we were in all the same classes. They were my "friends" but deep down, I knew we really weren't.

And the whole "feeling trapped in my own body" "I knew when I was a kid" narratives put me off as well. I suppose looking back on it in hindsight, there might have been signs, but it was always just below the surface. So yay! Let's spread these alternate narratives! We've got at least two here between you and I :)

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I was 27 when I realised (recently actually) and for me there were hints all throughout my childhood but I never put the dots together. I never, ever felt like a "guys guy" and never felt like I fit in with guys (especially in highschool and university) but I mistook that feeling for just being nerdy and wierd. There wasn't a point before 27 where I felt like I was "female" because I misinterpreted these emotions as just being weird/odd/not fitting in etc.

It wasn't untill I realised I was asexual that I became open to accepting myself, whoever I was. I was sick of pretending to be someone I wasn't so I allowed myself to explore who I was. Not too long after this I realised I was bi-romantic too (after having a simultaneous crush on Danny Pink and Clara Oswald from Doctor Who). It was during this time where the wish of being born female crept up in my mind. It was subtle at first, a thought here, a thought there. Even then I didn't really put much thought into it.

Then it all came flooding in one giant, confusing and upsetting moment which lead me to look up transgender online and I started watching, reading and learning and out of desperation for help I stumbled across an IRC group which helped immensely. Realising and accepting I am trans has been one of the defining moments of my life and the more I accept myself and move towards transition the happier I have become.

I wanted to share my story because the common narrative of "I feel trapped in my own body", "I knew when I was a kid" was hard for me to connect with. Maybe by sharing my story someone will read it and find some measure of help.

Wow. Just, wow. Are you secretly my twin or something? Your story sounds so much like me it's creepy! I love it! We're almost exactly the same age too! I also never felt like a "guys guy" and the handful of guy friends I had in high school were mostly all friends of a friend who I'd known since I was 11. The older I got, the more we diverged. Thrust into a completely new world in college, who did I immediately gravitate towards? The women there. I never had any real friends in college, but almost all of my proto-friendships were with women. Guy "friends" I did have were mostly borne of proximity, because we were in all the same classes. They were my "friends" but deep down, I knew we really weren't.

And the whole "feeling trapped in my own body" "I knew when I was a kid" narratives put me off as well. I suppose looking back on it in hindsight, there might have been signs, but it was always just below the surface. So yay! Let's spread these alternate narratives! We've got at least two here between you and I :)

I had plenty of signs and chances to spot that I was trans growing up but I never put the dots together (call me stupid haha). From the youngest age I would pretend as if I didn't have a penis and try on opposite gendered clothing. All my friends growing up in highschool were female (I was always part of the female groups) and in university I could only be myself around women. The second I was around guys the inevitable "gay" or "be a man" comments would arise. My mother, sister, brother and sister-in-law would always say they were expecting me to come out as gay any day because they saw me as a feminine guy.

Many people in these circumstances would clue in to the fact they are female at a much younger age than I did. I think I didn't because I had major depression from the age of 8 to 25 as my father left when I was 8 (It is hard to know who you are when it is a struggle to feel at all). It was only when I beat depression 100% for good (I consider myself a depression survivor) that emotions came back and I realised I was ace, bi and trans. It was also difficult growing up in a religious family as you aren't allowed to explore your gender identity and in my case also excluded from knowing people can be transgender, asexual or homosexual at all.

The point I'm trying to make sharing this is that it doesn't matter when you know or how you know. Demanding extraordinary objective proof you are trans places cisgender identity as the null-hypothesis position as if to say "you are cis until proven otherwise". Instead both hypothesis should be treated equally after all why don't people demand the same amount of proof for being cis as they do trans? The question shouldn't be "am I trans?" but rather "based on the evidence that is available, and what my thoughts, behaviours, past and feelings suggest, what is more likely: that I’m trans or that I’m cis?”. This puts both hypothises on an equal footing and helped me greatly in dealing with denial and confusion early on.

More information about this can be read here: http://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/

I hope this helps you Hadley.

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butterflydreams

Ooof, yet again...so similar :)

I've definitely been in the ring with depression for a pretty long time. "Officially", as in diagnosed by a doctor, 3-4 years. Unofficially? 10-15...maybe more. You're right that that kind of thing can really cloud thinking. I know it did for me. My parents weren't really conservative, or religious, but I basically lived and died by their approval. Was I successful enough in the ways they wanted me to be? (Identity, orientation, etc, those were never part of what they encouraged or wanted of me.)

Clearing away enough depression to put some space between my parents and I let me finally ask the questions: what am I? How do I feel? No matter how much it would've helped me, there's just no way I could've identified as asexual...to say nothing of trans...when I was younger and living at home. All of my "differences" were "wrong" and all efforts needed to be directed towards correcting them. Shocker though...you can't fix what ain't broke. All I did was make myself feel worse. And worse, and worse and worse. Until I finally snapped. September 2013.

Relatively speaking, asexuality was easy to accept. Heh, I'd been living that reality for years without knowing it. The road to transfeminine has been long and far less clear. The future of this road is also unclear. All I know is that each step I take makes me a little bit happier (I struggle to explain how). And on this road I've felt kinds of "alive" and happiness I did not think were possible. I was never that effeminate, definitely not masculine, I was just nothing because I didn't know what I was. I'd just make for a better girl I guess. Not sure why :) Now I'm building her. From the ground up. She has a future. For her, life is for living.

(Also...holy hell is that article comforting ^_^)

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I feel I should add at the start that I'm not 100% sure on my current gender identity. I was happy with it and felt like it fit until a couple weeks ago and I got a little confused again.

I think the main thing for me is that being like "oh I'm a girl!" never sat well with me. I always just kinda "yeah sure" in response to being referred to as a girl. Looking back there were quite a bit indicators that I've never been fully female minded. Though because they were never clearly masculine traits they never set off the bell in my head until recently that I'm not fully female. I'm still questioning just what my gender is exactly though I know at the very least it's not 100% female. I've always felt like a combination of a few girl and boy-ish traits though I consider myself a person more than a gender which is why my gender thing on here says "simultaneously androgynous and agender"

I think once I'm able to start presenting more the way I feel and start binding I'll be able to figure my whole gender thing out better. I know clothes and hairstyles don't necessarily correlate with one's gender identity but "looking the part" or dressing the way I feel is a big thing for me/ I think once I stop having that "I don't feel like a girl but I live like one and am comfortable with she/her pronouns just because they're what I'm used to... does that make me a girl?" disconnect my head will be less foggy.

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I've never thought I'm cis nor hetero. Always been very androgynous and never went with gender roles. Never been comfortable with my sex, never identified with my given name nor the gender I was assigned at birth.

I suppose I found out I'm binary first year of high school.. 2012? I think. I figured I wanted surgery and hormones, I used to think I'm gender queer/fluid.. But I just never felt too much for non-binary or male-ness. Always been comfortable with being refered to as female... Remember I used to say I'm a girl like... when I was 12? Reason why I thought I wasn't strictly binary is because gender dysphoria didn't make me as distressed at all times, but I realized even when I don't feel anxious or depressed, I still want to identify the same way.

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RemnantShadow

I've had trans tendencies since I was around seven years old or something. I didn't know what it was though and no one around me did either. So I've been in a kind of limbo most of my life wondering why I don't fit in with either binary gender. I didn't find out until last month that I was agender fluid at the age of 26.

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Porcia catone

Since as young as I can remember I have known I was female, although I don’t consider myself trans in the normal sense of the word. I was born with CAH http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Congenital_adrenal_hyperplasia and thank to the now discredited work of John William Money ( see link on the above page) my parents where advise to bring me up as a boy.

I had a hard time coping in my childhood ( this was back in the late 50 early 60 ) I kept rebelling and insisting somehow they had made a mistake, this cumulated in a course of ECT to try and “ cure me “, I found this out in later life trough medical records as my mind at the time blocked out 4 years of my childhood. I struggled on puberty came and went with out any major change it was at this time I first sort of notice that my sibling had changed but I hadn’t, I went to university at 19 which was a revelation I’d found people with out close minds some chemically induced J ( well it was the 80’s ) it was also at this time I also discovered the GLBT community and finally found a place to be me with out people being judgmental.

At 21 I finally found a psychiatrist who would listen to me ( at the time work of Money where starting to be questioned ) and I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. By the time I left uni at 25 I had had hormone therapy and reconstructive surgery, and the rest is history as they say.

So some advice to all who may be challenging your gender I say go for it, stick to your guns, and remember it’s easier today than it was.

And Remember

Be WHO you are not WHAT you are

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Good link. :)

Thanks.

This text was a bit creepy, I was reading about me, just like someone knew my thoughts:

"Cis people may wonder about being the opposite sex, but they don’t obsessively dream of it. Cis people don’t constantly go over the question of transition, again and again, throughout their lives. Cis people don’t find themselves in this kind of crisis. Cis people don’t secretly spend every birthday wish on wanting to wake up magically transformed into the “opposite” sex, nor do they spend years developing increasingly precise variations of how they’d like this wish to be fulfilled. Cis people don’t spend all-nighters on the internet secretly researching transition, and secretly looking at who transitioned at what age, how much money they had, how much their features resemble their own, and try to figure out what their own results would be. Cis people don’t get enormously excited when really really terrible movies that just happen to include gender-bending themes, like “Switch” or “Dr. Jekyl And Mrs. Hyde”, randomly pop up on late night TV, and stay up just to watch them. Etc." <-- ha ha so much me. (writes when listening to Michael Jackson just because he's androgynous)

"Amongst these are the stories of denial. The methods we used for convincing ourselves we can’t possibly really be trans, we simply must be making a mistake. They echo the concepts that thread through cis society and are used as a means of invalidating us. “It’s probably just a kink, a sex thing”, “it’s just a phase… if I just settle down with a woman, maybe have some kids, and learn how to be a good man, it will go away”, “doesn’t everybody, on some level, sort of want to be the opposite sex?”, “I should just learn to live with being a feminine man”, “I just need to man-up, be more masculine, that will make it go away”, “maybe I’m just a self-hating gay man?”, “maybe I can just cross-dress on weekends? That will be good enough”, “It’s just my asberger’s”, “just my OCD”, “just my depression”, “just my lack of confidence”, “just my hatred of my identity”, “just…”. " <-- So much those. I tried "be feminine, it'll pass" but with it, I just tend to set the gender pendulum into motion and excessive femininity is followed by excessive masculinity, like I had to wear a jacket on the next day to even up a skirt on the previous. I've tried "you're just a lesbian in denial" (androsexual, curtsey). And "it's just my proneness to depression".

From me: You know you're trans when... you can't let the idea of changing gender go and/or feel just about everything about your own gender is the wrong way.

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Wow. I hadn't had time to follow the link before, but now that I do, you're right hummingbird. Man, that article really hits so many things right on the nail!

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butterflydreams

From me: You know you're trans when... you can't let the idea of changing gender go and/or feel just about everything about your own gender is the wrong way.

Love to hear you say that! Love to hear anyone else say that! I even agree with the second part to a large extent, but the "everything" makes me hesitate. But yeah, not being able to let the idea go...that so much! I had some very panicky moments over the weekend about some things, and was super tempted to cut ties and bail on the whole thing at one point. I just can't though. No explanation. That's the difference between this and some random wacky notion I might have. I can't let this go. Even crazier, I can't even imagine wanting or being able to let it go. A true Pandora's Box if ever there was one. Makes it kind of scary in a way.

Wow. I hadn't had time to follow the link before, but now that I do, you're right hummingbird. Man, that article really hits so many things right on the nail!

I've bookmarked that article in particular because I want to be able to go back and read it if I'm ever having doubts, or feeling like what I'm doing is silly. I actually read a bunch of other things she's written and they're all so great. She seems so cool, and someone I could really aspire to be like. I tried to follow her on twitter as well, where she seems to be more active nowadays, but I don't think her style is well suited to the 140 character limit :P

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