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I don't belong


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I feel like I don’t belong anywhere in terms of sexuality.



I hear/read sexual people talk about how a person can turns them on before any sort of sexual action takes place. Or something like that. I don’t really understand it. I have felt that maybe once in the past five years and it wasn’t all that much. Then again, I still don’t understand how it’s supposed to feel, so for all I know, maybe I do feel it. How do I know if what I’m feeling is attraction or not?



I hear/read sexual people complaining that they don’t get enough sex or haven’t had it in awhile. I had a “dry spell” for a few years and was just fine with that.



I hear/read asexual people say they don’t want sex or they don’t mind sex, but would never initiate it or they don’t enjoy sex. I used to enjoy sex. I used to want sex. I have initiated sex. Often, I’ve initiated it more out a sense of compulsion due to issues, but I still initiated it and I still enjoyed it. I used to anyway.



I hear/read asexual people they feel fine and have no problem with a lack of attraction. I feel empty. Like something is missing. I don’t know why. It might be an issues thing. I have trouble feeling connected to people.



I hear/read people say they could never have sex with someone they’re not attracted to. I don’t understand. It’s easy for me to have sex with anyone. The sensations are the same. Well, aside from abilities, parts to work with, etc, but I mean attraction has nothing to do with that. So why would it matter whether one is attracted to them or not?



I hear/read people say that they need an emotional connection to someone in order to be sexually attracted to them. It doesn’t matter to me. I still won’t be any more attracted to them than I am to anyone else. I don’t think so anyway.



I hear people say they can be attracted to people, but have no drive. I have no drive anymore, but how do I know if I’m sexually attracted to anyone if I have no drive to have sex with anyone? Will I be attracted to people if I ever get my drive back? Did I used to be attracted to people or was that just the drive?



And what if my orientation has changed or will change? Then what am I? Is it even possible for an orientation to change or does that make it not real?



I should probably mention something to my doctor about not having a sex drive for over five years since that probably means there is something wrong. (I do know it’s not a hormonal imbalance.)


For the rest, where can I find the answers? How can I find the answers?


Aside from the FAQ because I've read it and a few threads on here and I'm still confused.


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It is entirely possible to have sex, initiate sex, enjoy sex, and still be asexual, due to a lack of sexual attraction. Your ability to have sex without an emotional connection suggests to me that you don't experience the chemical signals that "normal" people do to initiate sexual encounters, like an asexual would not feel.

It is entirely possible for an orientation to change as we grow and change as people, as we deal with issues or develop more issues.

But if you once had a sex drive and felt "normal," I would definitely consult a doctor about the issue as it may be some imbalance of some kind.

If you once had a sex drive but always felt "abnormal," it may be a lack of understanding what your identity options were. Try the asexual label for a while. See how it feels.

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Yeah that's another thing I don't get. I don't understand why people associate sex with an emotional connection. You don't need an emotional connection to have sex. I always thought I was weird about that because of my experiences though.

I can't really tell whether it used to feel normal or not. I don't know or can't remember what normal is supposed to feel like and the parts that I know are abnormal can be traced to other reasons.

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Some people can have sex without emotions, some people can't. Some people can eat their vegetables without butter, some people can't. Just the way the world is.

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Sexual attraction is composed of uninfluenced (no turn-on spots or fetishes) genital arousal due to the existance of another person, paired with the desire to have sex. But if you feel indifferent about sex apathsexual could work. (its a new word though, so you probibly wont find much on it, though ppl can simply identify as sex indifferent)

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If you're having a problem with your lack of attraction, if it's negatively affecting you, you might should go to a doctor.

You also kind of sound like you might could be either an aromantic sexual person, or an asexual who enjoys the sensations of sex without being sexually attracted to the person.

That's an area I don't quite get, but a simple, non-terminology ridden way I could see or understand it is that sexual and asexual are at opposing ends, and in between a a bunch of differing levels of interest in/feelings regarding sex. Perhaps you're closer to the middle, or closer to a sexual mentality than like the graces or demis that relate more to asexual people.

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I don't think I've gotten any sort of uninfluenced genital arousal, but I did used to have the desire to have sex in general.

I think I get romantic attraction, so I'm pretty sure I'm not aromantic. I get urges to get to know people in a more emotionally connected way. Sometimes, I get urges to kiss and cuddle people, but not very often. Just nothing below the belt.

I currently have a difficult time seeing myself as sexual since I maybe wanted it once in the past five years. Is that normal for a sexual person?

Then again, I also have a hard time seeing myself as asexual since I don't want to be.

I will go see my doctor though. I just don't know when.

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Are you dealing with depression or anxiety? I have OCD and depression. That often makes me feel like I'm not attracted to anyone even though I have been in the past. It makes me feel empty as well.

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I have BPD, but I was extremely sexual (in behaviour and drive anyway) when I was at my unhealthiest. I am currently considered in remission and I've been the most psychologically healthy I've ever been for the past few years and am not sexual at all anymore. It is probably what makes me feel empty or a part of it, but I highly doubt my mood swings are to blame for my lack of sexuality.

My drive dried up when my son was born which probably has something to do with it, but it's been years since then. I also know it's not a hormonal imbalance because I've been taking testosterone for over a year which is supposed to increase libido and there's still been no change in libido even though other things have changed.

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Sorry to double post and sorry if I repeat stuff. I just remembered something that sheds light on my situation.


I remember back when I did use to have a sex drive, one of my high school friends asked me which actor I had a crush on. At the time, I thought she meant someone I saw as good looking and talented who I liked. At the time, I had no idea that other people thought of crushes as wanting to have sex with a particular person. It was the same in many other scenarios. It honestly didn’t occur to me what other people meant by having a crush or being attracted. I did get attracted to people I think in my own way, but not sexually. It wasn't the people who turned me on, it was the act or the idea of the act.



But I relate to asexuals even less because there was a time in my life when I was very sexual even though I didn't feel sexually attracted to people. From what I can tell, that kind of history is pretty much unheard of among asexuals.


But then, my ability to have sex with people I'm not attracted to seems pretty much unheard of among anyone. (No, I am not sexual and aromantic. I think I get romantically attracted to people. I do not get sexually attracted to people.) I mean, according to the people at Marvel, Daken is supposed to be kind of like me, but everyone else sees him as bi anyway.



The answers here are confusing too. There are people who say that asexuality is not being sexually attracted to people and that sexual attraction is being turned on by a person before any sexual act takes place. If this is the definition of sexual attraction then, yes, I am asexual. But then there are people who would say that, because I used to enjoy sex with other people, I must automatically be sexual (or more sexual anyway). Which is it? I can't be both can I?



I think the feeling of emptiness I've been getting is more of a combination of not belonging anywhere in terms of sexuality (yes, that matters to me and don't tell me it shouldn't because it does). I can't relate to anyone. That and the fact that society in general pushes this idea that sex is necessary. I'm currently in a sexless relationship in a world where I've been told time and time again that romantic relationships are nothing if there isn't sex. (We both agreed we don't want to have sex.) Personally, I want to rail against that due to my experiences, but it is difficult to get such an ingrained message out of my subconscious.


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It is entirely possible to have sex, initiate sex, enjoy sex, and still be asexual, due to a lack of sexual attraction. Your ability to have sex without an emotional connection suggests to me that you don't experience the chemical signals that "normal" people do to initiate sexual encounters, like an asexual would not feel.

To me this defines a sexual person with a lack of sexual attraction, NOT an asexual person.

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Valar Morghulis
Rimethurs
"But then, my ability to have sex with people I'm not attracted to seems pretty much unheard of among anyone."

Maybe you should look into lack of aesthetic attraction. And some people with aesthetic attraction will settle for someone they dont feel attracted to if they feel a strong urge to have sex. I beleive this is actually not unheard of at all.

If you read the contributions of sexual people here on Aven youll learn that not all sexuals get "randomly turned on" by people. They desire sex for multiple reasons, for intimacy, cause they met a person they really like and wish to experience sex with them, simply cause they want to have sex, etc. For me personally what defines a sexual person is an innate desire to have sex, later on how, when, and with whom they desire to have sexual contact with will depend on the particular person.

Also I dont think its weird you havent felt any sex desire for this past years, I think that can happen to a lot of people, I know it happens to lots of women after a pregnancy for example, and there are other people that for different reasons steer away from sex for some periods of time and it can be perfectly fine. Now seeing as you are experiencing distress about it I agree with you and the other posters in that you should probably consult a professional and discuss it with them.

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Rimethurs

"But then, my ability to have sex with people I'm not attracted to seems pretty much unheard of among anyone."

If you read the contributions of sexual people here on Aven youll learn that not all sexuals get "randomly turned on" by people. They desire sex for multiple reasons, for intimacy, cause they met a person they really like and wish to experience sex with them, simply cause they want to have sex, etc. For me personally what defines a sexual person is an innate desire to have sex, later on how, when, and with whom they desire to have sexual contact with will depend on the particular person.

Also I dont think its weird you havent felt any sex desire for this past years, I think that can happen to a lot of people, I know it happens to lots of women after a pregnancy for example, and there are other people that for different reasons steer away from sex for some periods of time and it can be perfectly fine.

That helps a lot. Thank you.

So I guess I'm not really welcome here then. That's a shame, but at least I'm less lost now. Thanks everyone for helping me out.

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Valar Morghulis

You are very welcome to stay and be a part of the community no matter how you identify ;) We have sex related boards as well cause of the grey areas and a sexual allies part too. You may find other people experiences interesting or helpful but thats for you to decide.

Cheers if it was of help and good luck!

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