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I am a...?


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Hi all, 2nd day here and I feel like I need to just clear some stuff up.

So I've seen a heap of terms tossed around that I am not 100% I identify with and now I'm really confused and wondering if this is actually where I'm supposed to be. I thought if I just sort of spelled out what sex is to me, someone might swing by and say, "hey, that's me and I identify as..." Please don't misunderstand, I don't have any problems with anyone else or am attention seeking, I'd just really like to -- as ironic as it sounds -- put a label on myself. So, here goes.

Alright. I'm currently in a relationship with a person who isn't asexual. We've been together for almost 2 years now, and yesterday he said to me that he thought I might be asexual, which is the reason I joined this site. We haven't had sex, but we kiss and do other stuff. I enjoy kissing and I don't mind doing the other stuff, but it's not something I want to do on a regular basis. I don't feel repulsed by it -- I don't really think I feel anything for it, really.

I don't have any desire for orgasms or sex, but I'm perfectly happy to help my partner. The problem is, he wants to give me orgasms and I just don't want it.

I'm really sorry if I went into too much detail for anyone (I tried not to) but I would really appreciate someone giving me a hand with all this stuff and just giving me an idea of what I am.

(That last line sounded horribly dramatic, please excuse me)

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"This makes so much sense!" "That sounds just like me!" "I can't believe there are other people who feel the same way I do!" <-My reactions after reading through threads and posts, after a series of Google searches led me here. My main relationship stressors at the time had been the assumptions that I HAD to be sexually attracted to people and want sex as part of a romantic relationship. Before AVEN, I'd grown up thinking that not having sex in a relationship meant that something was wrong, because sex with someone you love (especially in marriage -- grew up Catholic) was only natural. I wondered if I was just a late bloomer and would eventually grow into it, like the rest of my peers.

I had a sexual bf, then, but our differences in our attitudes toward the idea of affection, romance and sex being mutually exclusive became more and more apparent. In my case, it eventually lead to me ending the relationship because of that gap, along with other personal differences/incompatibilities. I understood celibacy and abstinence, and I knew in my bones that neither of those applied to me. But I wasn't sure how to broach the subject with a doctor or anyone I was close to; especially when deep down, I didn't feel defective. So, when I came to AVEN, I felt relief and understanding. The community comprehended my dilemmas and gripes without thinking it was weird, and I've been here ever since.

Of course, I still had questions and didn't really use any sort of label until later on. I read through as much as I could and talked to other members of the site. I now consider myself a panromantic asexual - would like romance/relationship, but gender doesn't play a primary role in who i am romantically attracted to or involved with. And sex... well, depending on my mood i can go from "meh, it's fine for whoever wants it, i guess" to "no, thanks. i'd rather not" to "if it will make my partner happy, bonding mental/emotional intimacy will make me happy". I've had sex. It's not a big deal, to me. Le shrug.

That's my story, anyway. :p Welcome to AVEN! :cake:

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By "other stuff", do you mean you're indifferent of romantic stuff (verbal reciprication, dates, etc.) or sensual stuff (hand holding, cuddling, etc.). You may also be a non-libidoist; either never experiencing arousal or having no desire to masturbate despite the ability.

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It sounds like you could be asexual, though it's up to you to determine if that label fits you. That's cool that your partner introduced you to the concept, and sharing your experiences can help others here!

Asexuals can each feel differently about having sex; some are repulsed by it, some indifferent, and some can enjoy it. Specifically, you sound like you may be indifferent.

Some asexuals who are indifferent to sex don't mind doing some sexual things for their partner, and get enjoyment from making their partner happy, if not from the act itself, but would also be fine never having sex.

The repulsed and indifferent labels don't apply to everyone. Some may be okay with giving towards their partner, but repulsed by receiving.

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You could be asexual and you could just not really have a sex drive, since you don't have any desire to have sex. Asexuals don't feel sexually attracted to people, but the can enjoy sex or really hate it or somewhere in between like you seem to be.

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CaseyWinters2

You would simply call yourself asexual in this case; you said you don't have sexual attractions or desires for him. You're still okay with helping him, but you yourself don't want any of it. It's simply asexual, or more specifically aromantic since you have romantic feelings for people, specifically your boyfriend. :) I hope that helped! Tell your boyfriend you are no interested in sex or orgasming, but also make sure he knows that you really care about him and you being asexual will NOT effect how you care about eachother.

*EDIT: It's been a few months since I posted this and, I'm sorry, but I kind of mislead you. Aromantic means that you do NOT have romantic feelings. Asexual means you do not have sexual feelings. As you probably know, you'd be classified as a asexual heteromantic (meaning you're attracted to men romantically, but not sexually).

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It might take some time to sort things out. If this helps at all, this is the definition of asexuality I currently use

An asexual is someone who does not experience an innate desire for sex with other people.

Desire. Noun: "a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen." Synonyms: Urge, Craving, Yearning, Need.
So quite simply. If you can happily go for the rest of your life without having sex with people, you are asexual. If you can't, then you are allosexual (not asexual). As pointed out, different asexuals have different feelings when it comes to sex. I personally like sex and would like to try it again some time. So I identify as sex favourable. But if I didn't have sex for the rest of my life; I wouldn't feel like anything is missing. So I identify as asexual.
The best thing to do is poke around this site some more. Spend some time thinking about things. Keep making posts on here if it helps. I found it was helpful to me to post stuff and get other people's thoughts on it. Even some of the less than positive reactions were helpful.
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