Asexuality and being sexually repressed

[The Maple Leaf Forever]

If a person is sexually repressed, are they truly asexual, or are they actually sexual but with that quality latent?

Here's some of what has gotten me thinking about this question. My best friend is the first person to whom I have opened up about my asexuality and has been with me throughout my discovery of the concept of asexuality. He is an older guy who has made no secret of his own sexual prowess in the past, and has at times shown skepticism over my being asexual. I think his views fall into the camp of "the right girl would make you sexual".

The fact of the matter is, we do discuss women's appearance and I do find things like a nice figure attractive. It doesn't make me want to do you know what with her, but I like to look and it has largely an esthetic value for me. So yes, I have made positive comments about things like a woman's cleavage or what have you. The other night after a conversation of this kind in the pub, he said to me that he "sees the reactions I have, and doesn't believe I'm really asexual, just sexually repressed." To me this seems like a good comment for analysis.

First of all, I don't think showing an interest for low-cut shirts, nice legs etc makes me not asexual, given that none of it makes me want to get into bed with the person or do anything with her in the genital area. My friend apparently doesn't understand the difference between esthetic and sexual attraction, or that asexuality as defined by AVEN at least allows for the existence of a libido (he doesn't speak English, but he should see the fetish discussions on these forums. The fetishes I described for myself are mild in comparison to what many others have written).

However, I wonder if he may have a point about my being sexually repressed. I have mused over what the cause of my asexuality is and have myself suspected that it may be a form of sexual repression: for example when I discovered what sex was as a child, it didn't seem like an esthetically pleasing thing to me, particularly the thought of being naked in somebody else's presence, and this may have discouraged me from developing an interest in sex (although for all I know, it might have worked the other way around - maybe I was not pleased by the esthetic side of having sex because I was already an asexual? Chicken or egg?) Given that there is no conflict in me on the matter (I am not fighting a desire to do you know what, the desire simply doesn't exist in me as far as I can tell), I would still say I am asexual - I am perfectly happy to live without you know what even if I am perhaps sexually repressed.

[binary suns]

[Devil Kisses]

I think I'm sexually repressed. Mainly because I feel weird having sexual thoughts about people I know and I'm embarrassed about the people I'm attracted to. I really hate the idea of people knowing who I'm attracted to. I'm probably not asexual, so I'm not speaking for asexuals.

[Purge]

From a religious perspective, some misinterpreted Biblical passages made me associate guilt and shame with my sexuality for much of my adult life. God delivered me from that, but even so, I have very little sexual desire, and I could count the number of times I felt overt sexual attraction to a woman on the fingers of one of Mickey Mouse's hands.

I think I might've always been largely asexual all along, no matter what the circumstances were.

[RhuinHruda]

I think it's possible to be aseuxal and sexually repressed. I don't think they necessarily exist in the same category. Asexual is a sexual identity, but sexually repressed feels more like a matter of your psychological reaction to sex.

If you have no desire for sex, but you're not sure you're asexual, then I would suggest attempting a relationship. Be open with the person, that it may not result in sex, but become emotionally comfortable with them so that you can determine if your estetic appreciation is a sign of sexual attraction, or just enjoyment of the form. I can relate to you on this matter. I can find many people very attractive, but I'm not attracted to them.

For the sexual repression, it is possible you're simple shy about sexual matters. If you were exposed or recognized sexual matters at a young age, it may have resulted in you forming an embarrassment about such things, being that you simply weren't ready to handle them.

For myself, I was sexually repressed for a long time because my parents never talked about sex, so I didn't understand any of it. When I had the chance, I taught myself about sex and once educated, I became completely open about the idea and it's pretty much impossible to embarrass me on the subject.

I could be wrong, though, they could be connected and the repression could be leading to the asexuality or vice versa. The only way to really know, is to work on what you think your issues are and see if you can discover a way to overcome or handle or accept them.

[The Maple Leaf Forever]

If you have no desire for sex, but you're not sure you're asexual, then I would suggest attempting a relationship. Be open with the person, that it may not result in sex, but become emotionally comfortable with them so that you can determine if your estetic appreciation is a sign of sexual attraction, or just enjoyment of the form.

My question was largely a technical one, if not a semantic one. Basically, all I was asking was whether I still fit the definition of an asexual is if the reason why I don't feel sexual attraction is sexual repression (perhaps a wider question can be asked, namely whether the reason why one feels no sexual attraction is in any way important to whether they can be defined as an asexual or not). I have no wish to have a relationship in which I would attempt to do you know what, in fact, I actively desire a purely platonic relationship. This has always been so, and I am 35. The thought of you know what gives me an "ick" factor and I wouldn't attempt to have a sexual relationship just to find out if I have the potential for sexual attraction. The question here is not "I'm not sure if I am an asexual." Given that I don't feel sexual attraction and apparently never had, and actively do not wish to have sex, I would seem to fit the definition of an asexual quite well. The only question I am asking here is whether asexuality is by definition compatible with a state of sexual repression or whether the two are mutually exclusive.

[Perseus]

I dont think you are sexually repressed. You just have a aesthetic attracted to some things. Aesthetic attraction does not mine you want to have sex. Just try to explain this to your friend using facts.

[coverts]

You can definitely appreciate physical attractiveness and beauty and still be asexual, if you don't ever feel like you want to have sex with the people you find attractive than that would tend to fall under asexuality.