Confused: Do asexuals still feel physical attraction?

[marchpie]

Hi, I'm still fairly new to the community, so I'm not familiar with all the terminology and the specifics of asexualism. From my understanding, the definition of asexualism is "a lack of or inability to feel sexual attraction". However, do some asexuals still feel physical attraction (attraction to a person based on their looks, even if that attraction is not necessarily sexual)?

I was under the impression that physical attraction and sexual attraction were the same, so (in my belief) asexuals would not be attracted to someone they had just met and thus knew nothing about. I myself have never been attracted to someone I've only met once. For that matter, I generally have to meet a person on a daily or semi-daily basis for about a year before I start feeling attracted to them. Of course, I can look at a person and objectively decide whether they are good-looking or whether other people might consider them "hot" or "cute" or "pretty". However, I have never personally felt that another person was "hot", and I've also never felt the slightest urge to approach someone I thought was cute or good-looking. It was always more like, "Oh yeah, that person is decent looking. ...When's this bus coming?"

Anyways, now I'm wondering if this isn't just a misconception of mine. I posted on another ace forum, using a picture of myself, and got a couple of PMs along the lines of "You're cute", with very little other substance. I was really confused, because I was under the belief that this sort of thing wouldn't happen in the ace community (assuming that asexuals do not feel sexual and/or physical attraction). And I was also a bit disappointed, because most of the exchanges felt exactly like my past experiences with straight guys hitting on me.

I'm also wondering about something I read on another thread, where an ace was in a relationship with someone who claimed to be asexual but then turned out to be a sexual person who wanted to "convert" the asexual partner. Does this happen often? Are there any other people who have had similar experiences?

Reading that thread really unnerved me, because it made me realize that you can't really determine with 100% certainty that a persons is asexual. You'd really have to just trust that they are, if they say they are.

Sorry for the long ramble and I really hope I didn't say anything offensive. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what it means for me to be asexual and what it means for others to be asexual. Any insight, explanation, or other response would be greatly appreciated.

[Zerο]

Yes.

[kelico]

I can't answer the second bolded question (I've never been in a relationship, and I haven't read many entries here regarding "conversion" so I'm not sure?), but as for the first question...yes! What you're describing sounds like aesthetic attraction. : ) Some people have different definitions of "physical attraction"--some see it closer to sexual attraction, others find it pertaining to aesthetic...but finding someone good-looking/cute/handsome/pretty/etc. would fall under aesthetic attraction, which is separate from sexual. So yes, asexuals are quite able to feel that! : ) I find tons of people cute...that is my weakness lol.

[Cimmerian]

Yes, asexuals can definitely be attracted to someone based on physical appearance (I think quite a lot of us are, actually).

As for the "conversion" question I haven't heard of anyone claiming to be ace just to try and convert who they find. Your post is the first I've heard of it, so I wouldn't think it's happening often. (Now, sexuals saying we can be "fixed" or converted... that's more common.)

[warrigan]

some aces feel aesthetic attraction, wherein they can objectively appreciate someone's physical appearance (many compare it to observing a beautiful painting). i personally experience this fairly rarely.

i haven't seen a whole lot about faking being ace, though i can vaguely recall seeing a thread or two about this subject. in general, i can hardly imagine something like that would be worth it- it takes a special kind of obsession for someone to take your orientation personally enough to attempt to deceive you into becoming "converted." i think that it's more likely that someone would believe they were asexual, until they got into a romantic relationship and realized they had been mistaken and that they were actually sexual- an honest mistake, and definitely not the same as deliberately lying. again, of the hundreds of threads i've read, i've only seen one or two about faking being ace. this is definitely not something to be concerned about.

here on aven, we place a lot of emphasis on self-identification. if someone says they're asexual, then we accept that they are. yes, there is a trust component, but like i said, people would rarely ever purposefully lie about something like that. it makes the forums a much more inclusive and welcoming place, if we accept that someone is asexual when they say they are. :)

[marchpie]

Thanks!

I can't answer the second bolded question (I've never been in a relationship, and I haven't read many entries here regarding "conversion" so I'm not sure?), but as for the first question...yes! What you're describing sounds like aesthetic attraction. : ) Some people have different definitions of "physical attraction"--some see it closer to sexual attraction, others find it pertaining to aesthetic...but finding someone good-looking/cute/handsome/pretty/etc. would fall under aesthetic attraction, which is separate from sexual. So yes, asexuals are quite able to feel that! : ) I find tons of people cute...that is my weakness lol.

Yes, asexuals can definitely be attracted to someone based on physical appearance (I think quite a lot of us are, actually).

As for the "conversion" question I haven't heard of anyone claiming to be ace just to try and convert who they find. Your post is the first I've heard of it, so I wouldn't think it's happening often. (Now, sexuals saying we can be "fixed" or converted... that's more common.)

Thanks! That clears up a lot of my confusion. :)
Now, what would you call someone who feels neither sexual attraction nor aesthetic attraction, but who does feel romantic attraction after getting to know someone very well? Is "demi-romantic" or "demi-hetero-romantic", in my case, the appropriate term?
(Just want to know how to more accurately introduce/explain myself.)

[Wonderment]

Simply put, I find some people that I see, but do not know, rather pretty, then I wish that I could befriend them in the hopes of becoming their girlfriend. It's rather creepy, but gosh do I get obsessed with them, oh boy.

[marchpie]

here on aven, we place a lot of emphasis on self-identification. if someone says they're asexual, then we accept that they are. yes, there is a trust component, but like i said, people would rarely ever purposefully lie about something like that. it makes the forums a much more inclusive and welcoming place, if we accept that someone is asexual when they say they are. :)

Thanks. I know there is little that can be done but trust what a person says, but I guess it's a relief that the situation above (meeting people who pretend to be asexuals) isn't common.

[marchpie]

Simply put, I find some people that I see, but do not know, rather pretty, then I wish that I could befriend them in the hopes of becoming their girlfriend. It's rather creepy, but gosh do I get obsessed with them, oh boy.

Thanks! :)

I really hope you don't mind my asking if it's too personal, but it's really such a strange concept to me, so here goes:

What do you hope to get out of dating someone who is good-looking? What is the incentive?

I can tell whether a someone is good-looking or not, but I wouldn't say that I am ever attracted to someone (meaning that I would want to pursue something with the person) based on their looks.

And I understand how physical attraction plays a role in sexual attraction. It makes sense that you might be attracted to a person based on appearance, if sex was a factor. But if you completely removed sex from the equation, what does appearance add to a relationship?

Again, you don't have to answer if you feel it's too personal. :)

[Guest]

I'm also a bit untypical. When I look at man I have crush on ( it never happens when I think about women so my bisexuality is a confusing thing) I can imagine how could he looked like being naked and it makes me kinda aroused and also think about sex with this person but don't consider this person as 'cutie' or 'babe' and don't like myself being perceived in this way. I just find this person beautiful and attractive not sexy.

No I've never heard about this kind of 'conversion'.

[Wonderment]

I've never dated, so I really don't know how to answer. But, I guess I would notice people more if they had something nice to look at about them, rather than plainer looking people. It probably has something to do with shallow teenagers wanting a "hot boyfriend/girlfriend" simply because they're "hot". Although as I get older I've found that happening less and less, the desire for that someone pretty I see to be my boyfriend

[Star Bit]

Physical attraction is an inaccurate and multi-interpritable word; it could mean sexual, sensual, or aesthetic attraction. So we don't use it. On your no aesthetic attraction question, not all the attractions need to be felt for it to be romantic attraction. Aesthetic attraction isn't romantic attraction based on looks; it means someone has a fixation on someone because of their looks and or manerisms. This can be felt romantically or platonically. Finding someone aesthetically pleasing is also different. Aesthetic attraction is like finding a landscape beautiful and you could watch it all day, vs aesthetically pleasing is that with someone whos indifferent; they can recognize it but don't or vaguely care. Asexuals, as everyone else, simply want to look at something prety for the rest of their lives, so although the brain is wired to find things attractive, we cannot remove that from ourselves just because we may be asexual. I don't know a percentage on the fake asexual thing, but i do at least know its a thing. Probibly a small thing though. And Demi-heteroromantic is a valid title.

[binary suns]

[Fire & Rain]

Depends. I don't. I also have very poor facial recognition. That might be why.

...but I'm not attracted to other body parts either...

[binary suns]

[butterflydreams]

Depends. I don't. I also have very poor facial recognition. That might be why.

...but I'm not attracted to other body parts either...

I also have poor facial recognition. I think it does come into play a lot with this kind of thing.

I've never really dated anyone either, but there have been a handful of people who I would agree that I found attractive. Ironically, it's almost always their face that does it for me. I don't know what it is. Maybe some particular type of face? I don't know what the attributes are, so I can't describe it, I just know it when I see it. There's literally nothing else that I'm interested in physically though. Like, if I'm talking to some woman who I find attractive in whatever way that is for me, I can easily go the entire conversation and afterwards realize, "oh wait, women have breasts don't they. I'm supposed to be attracted to that, right? Did she even have breasts? I can't remember!" So for me, it's pretty easy to say that whatever "attraction" it is that I feel so rarely is just not sexual in nature. Before I understood about asexuality, there were times when I tried to force it. Yuck. My brain knows what it likes, and it doesn't work that way because it just doesn't. Forcing it made me feel gross. Now that I understand asexuality I feel a lot better. I don't have to force that kind of attraction. Whatever I do feel is good enough.

As to your second question, as I've never been in any kind of relationship with anyone, or even really been the object of attention, I can't really speak to sexuals feigning asexuality in order to get close and "convert" asexuals. People don't even show interest in me as a presumed sexual. Are they really going to make the extra effort to "convert" me? ;) Unlikely. Though I have to believe that if someone were doing that, it would be incredibly obvious to me.

Also, what a shitty thing to do. There are virtually limitless sexual people in the world. Why would you try to do that to someone who isn't?

[Midnight Star]

I have never experienced the second question, but I can answer the first.

I do experience physical attraction in a purely aesthetic sense. Whether it's a cute girl, a cute cat, a nice picture, or the scenery of the outside world. It's the same feeling to me. In fact when I play games on my PC I take snapshots of environments that are visually appealing to me. My profile picture is one such example. I liked how it looked, so I took a snapshot.

Back when I was dating, which I don't do anymore, I would see a girl that was cute and I would go say hi to her and get her number and all that jazz. But just because I thought the ladies were cute did not mean I was emotionally invested in them, because as you said, I know nothing about them.

[AshenPhoenix]

Moving to Asexual Q&A

AshenPhoenix, Romantic and Aromantic orientations moderator

[Xavy]

I don't really know what the term physical attraction refer to, it seems like the same as aesthetic attraction to me, is that right ?

On the other hand if it means attraction to a perosn because of some physical attribute like their breasts, butt, legs, etc ... Isn't that sexual attraction ?

[Hooded_Crow]

I have never found anyone to be hot or sexy, ie sexually desirable because of their physical aspect. This is part of why Iidentify as ace (the other part being that I never feel the need to go looking for sexual partners).

I don't ever notice people for their appearance. I don't feel what people around here call aesthetic attraction. But that is not what makes me asexual. It seems lots of asexual people on here can appreciate physical beauty.

[Francoise Wang]

Hi, I'm still fairly new to the community, so I'm not familiar with all the terminology and the specifics of asexualism. From my understanding, the definition of asexualism is "a lack of or inability to feel sexual attraction". However, do some asexuals still feel physical attraction (attraction to a person based on their looks, even if that attraction is not necessarily sexual)?

I was under the impression that physical attraction and sexual attraction were the same, so (in my belief) asexuals would not be attracted to someone they had just met and thus knew nothing about. I myself have never been attracted to someone I've only met once. For that matter, I generally have to meet a person on a daily or semi-daily basis for about a year before I start feeling attracted to them. Of course, I can look at a person and objectively decide whether they are good-looking or whether other people might consider them "hot" or "cute" or "pretty". However, I have never personally felt that another person was "hot", and I've also never felt the slightest urge to approach someone I thought was cute or good-looking. It was always more like, "Oh yeah, that person is decent looking. ...When's this bus coming?"

Anyways, now I'm wondering if this isn't just a misconception of mine. I posted on another ace forum, using a picture of myself, and got a couple of PMs along the lines of "You're cute", with very little other substance. I was really confused, because I was under the belief that this sort of thing wouldn't happen in the ace community (assuming that asexuals do not feel sexual and/or physical attraction). And I was also a bit disappointed, because most of the exchanges felt exactly like my past experiences with straight guys hitting on me.

I'm also wondering about something I read on another thread, where an ace was in a relationship with someone who claimed to be asexual but then turned out to be a sexual person who wanted to "convert" the asexual partner. Does this happen often? Are there any other people who have had similar experiences?

Reading that thread really unnerved me, because it made me realize that you can't really determine with 100% certainty that a persons is asexual. You'd really have to just trust that they are, if they say they are.

Sorry for the long ramble and I really hope I didn't say anything offensive. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what it means for me to be asexual and what it means for others to be asexual. Any insight, explanation, or other response would be greatly appreciated.

Yes. I identify as heteromantic asexual, but I still feel physical attraction towards men in the same intensity and frequency as sexual people do. I still can feel some men hot/sexy. I experience everything a sexual experiences, except the desire for sex itself.

I'm not sure whether it is because I'm romantic. I don't know if aromantic asexual can still feel physical attraction.

Also I observed that most asexuals (no matter romantic or aromantic) don't feel physical attraction. But I still do, so it is confusing to me. But I still don't think this would make me "less asexual".

[Hooded_Crow]

Simply put, I find some people that I see, but do not know, rather pretty, then I wish that I could befriend them in the hopes of becoming their girlfriend. It's rather creepy, but gosh do I get obsessed with them, oh boy.

Thanks! :)

I really hope you don't mind my asking if it's too personal, but it's really such a strange concept to me, so here goes:

What do you hope to get out of dating someone who is good-looking? What is the incentive?

I can tell whether a someone is good-looking or not, but I wouldn't say that I am ever attracted to someone (meaning that I would want to pursue something with the person) based on their looks.

And I understand how physical attraction plays a role in sexual attraction. It makes sense that you might be attracted to a person based on appearance, if sex was a factor. But if you completely removed sex from the equation, what does appearance add to a relationship?

Again, you don't have to answer if you feel it's too personal. :)

I am very interested in this, as I am in the same boat as marchpie on this one. I don't understand what looks have to do with feelings of romance or love. It is all very mysterious to me :)

[Cimmerian]

Yes, asexuals can definitely be attracted to someone based on physical appearance (I think quite a lot of us are, actually).

As for the "conversion" question I haven't heard of anyone claiming to be ace just to try and convert who they find. Your post is the first I've heard of it, so I wouldn't think it's happening often. (Now, sexuals saying we can be "fixed" or converted... that's more common.)

Thanks! That clears up a lot of my confusion. :)

Now, what would you call someone who feels neither sexual attraction nor aesthetic attraction, but who does feel romantic attraction after getting to know someone very well? Is "demi-romantic" or "demi-hetero-romantic", in my case, the appropriate term?

(Just want to know how to more accurately introduce/explain myself.)

Personally, I'd just stick with hetero-romantic but I'm likely biased because I have to get to know someone to feel romantic attraction to them, but I suppose demi-romantic also could apply if you wish to use it, I just personally don't use "demi" because I feel it complicates it. :)

[Hooded_Crow]

Yes, asexuals can definitely be attracted to someone based on physical appearance (I think quite a lot of us are, actually).

As for the "conversion" question I haven't heard of anyone claiming to be ace just to try and convert who they find. Your post is the first I've heard of it, so I wouldn't think it's happening often. (Now, sexuals saying we can be "fixed" or converted... that's more common.)

Thanks! That clears up a lot of my confusion. :)

Now, what would you call someone who feels neither sexual attraction nor aesthetic attraction, but who does feel romantic attraction after getting to know someone very well? Is "demi-romantic" or "demi-hetero-romantic", in my case, the appropriate term?

(Just want to know how to more accurately introduce/explain myself.)

Personally, I'd just stick with hetero-romantic but I'm likely biased because I have to get to know someone to feel romantic attraction to them, but I suppose demi-romantic also could apply if you wish to use it, I just personally don't use "demi" because I feel it complicates it. :)

I'm demiromantic and biromantic. I use one or the other depending on what I am describing. If I'm talking about who I fall in love with: biromantic. If I'm talking about how I experience romantic feelings: demi.

[Tarfeather]

I am very interested in this, as I am in the same boat as marchpie on this one. I don't understand what looks have to do with feelings of romance or love. It is all very mysterious to me :)

... I'm actually pretty envious of that. It took me many years to structure myself in a way that I don't make assumptions about people based on their looks. It's not even limited to potential partners, I will even feel more drawn to males if I find them "attractive", though I have a very different taste in men than most females do(back off muscle boy, ohhh that slender nerdy/smart looking guy over there is cute)..

How to even explain? It's definitely more than just finding someone to be aesthetically pleasing.. It's more like you start to directly associate good feelings with their looks. You know, like when you look at a piece of chocolate, and remembering the good taste just makes you feel better about yourself. Hm.

[Philip027]

I am very interested in this, as I am in the same boat as marchpie on this one. I don't understand what looks have to do with feelings of romance or love. It is all very mysterious to me :)

As she knows already, I'm with my partner on this one XD I also never really got the big deal with looks. As she also knows already (and also experienced herself), we were feeling connected with each other before we even knew what the other person looked like. For me this is an experience that has repeated with most of the previous times in my life that I found myself beginning to crush on or otherwise experiencing romantic feelings toward another (all of these instances occurred over the internet, so that had a hand in not immediately knowing what these people looked like)

Maybe it has to do at least in part with the fact that I was living with my grandparents for a few years when I was younger, but even from a very young age I've always had this sort of understanding that looks are sort of a fleeting thing and that there are probably more important things to base your relationships on (romantic or otherwise).

[AlwaysBeKorra]

I guess that one of the reasons why I didn't identify as asexual until recently is because I DO get physically attracted to guys, but only sensually and aesthetically. I think looks mean just as much to me as they do to sexual people but not because I'm experiencing sexually attraction. One of the things I'm going to use to explain it to my friends is that if they think about it, they have never heard me say that a guy is "hot" or "sexy", they have only ever heard me state that a guy is "cute". I guess that's the only difference between us, and one of the things that got me to wonder if I was asexual: I kept thinking that at some point I would find some guy hot, because all of my friends did, but I never happened. But I still need to be physically attracted to a guy before I can see myself falling in love with him (of course this sounds shallow but it would be the same with sexual people, and of course a person's personality has to be attractive as well, after all that's definitely the most important part!). I think I get attracted to similar facial features as my own, just like sexual people, but when it comes to the body I'm different: Where my friends have to be sexually attracted to a person's body, I notice stuff that are not sexual, at least not for me: I like a guy to be a little fit, especially the arms, I like him to be pretty short, and I like him to smell a certain way ;) That's pretty much it. I know it sounds shallow, though, but what can you do ;)

[Busrider]

here on aven, we place a lot of emphasis on self-identification. if someone says they're asexual, then we accept that they are. yes, there is a trust component, but like i said, people would rarely ever purposefully lie about something like that. it makes the forums a much more inclusive and welcoming place, if we accept that someone is asexual when they say they are. :)

Thanks. I know there is little that can be done but trust what a person says, but I guess it's a relief that the situation above (meeting people who pretend to be asexuals) isn't common.

*polite cough*: After reading through the forum for a while you might notice that some people appear challenged to figure out if they are asexual or not... According to Murphy's Law I wouldn't be surprised at all when 2 convinced asexuals end in a bed and one suddenly realizes: "OMG! - You seem to be that "right person" my nonunderstanding parents were talking about."

Sorry, if I sound like a cynic. - I just belive it might take 2 weeks in an awesome asexual's bed to figure one's asexuality out for sure.

Simply put, I find some people that I see, but do not know, rather pretty, then I wish that I could befriend them in the hopes of becoming their girlfriend. It's rather creepy, but gosh do I get obsessed with them, oh boy.

Thanks! :)

I really hope you don't mind my asking if it's too personal, but it's really such a strange concept to me, so here goes:

What do you hope to get out of dating someone who is good-looking? What is the incentive?

I can tell whether a someone is good-looking or not, but I wouldn't say that I am ever attracted to someone (meaning that I would want to pursue something with the person) based on their looks.

And I understand how physical attraction plays a role in sexual attraction. It makes sense that you might be attracted to a person based on appearance, if sex was a factor. But if you completely removed sex from the equation, what does appearance add to a relationship?

Again, you don't have to answer if you feel it's too personal. :)

I'm not Wonderment, but an obvious advantage of dating somebody good looking would be combining hobbies. - I used to dabble with photography and would appreciate the chance to de-clutter my fridge from all these film bricks.

On the entire physical attraction thing: An example: Fleamarkets; I really ended buying 2 stuffed animals for myself. - I was at least 27 at that time. - I think I was and still am physically attracted to them. - Why else might I be keeping them?

Appearance and relationships: I believe apperance in total (i.e. dressed, as seen out in public) can hint a lot about people, attract or repulse. - There seem also appearance levels and the majority of couples tends to share one. <- a lot of rather subconsciously happening stuff. - I might not be scanning for somebody really "good-looking" - "right-looking" would be a better term, whatever it might mean. And all of that gets of course overridden by the also subconscious body talk phenomenon.

Anyhow: I do look at reading people and depending on their looks I put their books on my own "to read" list too.

[*a*rteest]

YES I find people (guys) attractive. i find aesthetic beauty in both genders, but somethimes i'm very distracted. It's very very annoying.

[ColorfulShine]

Yes it definetly happens.

Concerning that physical attraction, it's completely unrelated to gender and "hotness" or "sexyness" or even "charisma" in my case though. There are people I see and I feel like they distinguish themselves from the mass. There's something special and I KNOW that just by seeing them. I trust that intuition completely because it's led to some of the greatest friendships and relationships in general I have ever experienced.

About physical attraction beyond that, I find some people good looking that doesn't mean they interest me. I've never really dated (being ace I think I never realized how much of a non sexual vibe I give out) and that's been fine with me. I don't want to hurt anyone because I have a weird way of perceiving romantic relationships.