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Anyone else ever feel invisible?


Insert_cool_name_here

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Insert_cool_name_here

So, first of all hello! I've been a lurker here for the past few months while trying to understand myself and my aceness better, but I've decided it's time to be confident and start talking to people rather than just reading. Here goes!

My question is this: has anyone else ever been sat with a group of sexual people and felt totally invisible to them? Because it seems to happen to me quite regularly. I'll be at a party or something and be enjoying the atmosphere and general converstion when I'll realise nobody has spoken directly to me or approached me for the whole evening. It doesn't really bother me; I have friends that I socialise with in small groups, but there does seem to be some sort of social "vibe" that I don't quite get. I'm quite quiet anyway though, so I can't tell if it's just that or if it's mixed up with my asexuality. Any ideas folks?

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That sounds more like an introvert thing than an ace thing. My dad even perfected it...he can litterally walk into a crowded room with friends in it, get all the way to the other side, then 'allow' people to see him. Its like cloaking technology, and its wild to watch.

I have the same level of 'not quite in tuned to the vibe' thing going on as you, and its usually due to me sitting among the energy, but not being part of it. Peoples social awareness in those situations becomes hightened to notice those sharing the same energy, and if you aren't part of that energy, they'll notice you, but sort of in the back of thier attention, same way they would a lamp or the family dog sleeping in the corner. If you start making eye contact, go to the snack table and ask some one to pass you something, comment on the music to the guy next to you, it often does a lot to level you to the social energy flow and get you noticed again.

On the other hand, you can learn some interesting things from the shadows. "So Sarah, you got pretty drunk at that party." "What? I didn't even know you were there!" It can be fun to know about stuff that people didn't realise you were around for, and to see their reactions.

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It's kinda hard to say, but I suppose it varies on the type of people and the type of party: if it's like a college party where it seems like everyone's just looking to hook up, then I guess it'd be natural to be a bit of an outsider as an asexual. Personally, I dislike parties because of the reasons above, but if I went to a few more I'd probably end up in a similar situation as you.

Of course, it could be related to people just not being familiar with you (friends of friends, that sorta thing), so they could be a bit shy?

Hope I could help :)

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bittersweet988

I have always felt invisible. I don't think it has much to do with being asexual, though. I am an introvert and have social anxiety, so I dislike crowded places. Oh and I never go to parties, they're just not my thing...I'm supposed to have fun there and they just make me depressed instead lol I can't stand being around people who laugh and do stupid/crazy things.

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I can totally relate to that, bittersweet!

I often feel invisible in all sorts of situations, not just parties. And I agree that it's probably more to do with me being quiet in general and an introvert. I've spent a lot of my life avoiding being seen because it often meant getting picked on, beaten up, yelled at, teased, and generally abused. So it's hard to get noticed when I need to be or want to be.

Currently I am feeling so invisible as to be non-existent. Part of it is I don't have any friends close by, no one I can call to help out with some minor project, for example, The few people I feel like I can say are friends are actually some of my siblings, who live many miles from where I do (closest one is at least 1.5 hour drive away). There really isn't anyone else I can call, to just talk or to hang with or anything, and even with my siblings I never know when is a good time to call. I don't even have phone numbers for more than a handful of people.

I rarely get invited to parties, so I don't know about that feeling mentioned in the OP. I think what I feel mostly about parties is, if there's a cat or 2 I can hang out with that's good. Otherwise I'd really just as soon be alone or hang out with just a few friends (like 1-3), playing games or something.

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bittersweet988

@Daveb: I also feel invisible in all sorts of situations, parties are just the worst for me, but social events in general scare me. I am sorry to hear that, but I can relate a lot...I basically spent my whole life avoiding everything. Not that it is necessarily bad...I am sure I spared myself a lot of trouble. I don't have any friends close by either and I am an only child! At least, we have the internet :)

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EggplantWitch

As others have said, I think that's more of an introvert/social anxiety thing than an asexual thing, though as I am all three WHO EVEN KNOWS.

It hasn't happened for a long time now, but when I was younger it would literally feel as though I was invisible. I would be talking and no one was even looking at me, let alone listening or talking back. I remember frequently stopping what I was saying to ask 'Hello? Can you actually hear me? Can you see me?' and no one would respond. It really shook me. These people were my friends, and yet I couldn't make even them listen to me. I really do understand how you feel.

I wish I could offer advice, but I don't know what I did to stop this from happening! It happened to me up until I was 16 and when I came back after the summer holidays I had stopped being invisible. I wasn't louder or more aggressive, and certainly not any more extraverted or less anxious, so it's a mystery even to me. I wish you the best of luck in improving your situation, however!

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Yeah, I'm inclined to think it's more of an introvert thing (which, I wouldn't be at all surprised to find asexuals are more likely to be introverts). Parties are kind of a non-starter for me. More than say... Ten people... And I just melt into the background and go home early. Not my thing, so I stick to small gatherings of friends.

Paradoxically, I like big meetings at work, and tend to throw myself right into the middle of things. Gonna get me fired some day...

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Sockstealingnome

Introvert energy? That doesn't seem to work for me. I used to be invisible when I was younger because, like daveb, whenever I got noticed it meant I was getting bullied. It was a self-preservation tactic which suited me just fine for the most part except when I actually had something to share at which point, no one would listen. Eggplantwitch, I completely relate to your experience of talking and having the entire group ignore me like I didn't exist. Had my ideas stolen that way so I made it a point to learn to be commanding so no one else could take credit for my work. Nowadays, I have the complete opposite problem. I'm still quiet, reserved, and soft spoken but I get stared at wherever I go. Thankfully (?) most people don't try to approach me but they watch. If I'm at a party and I'm doing my usual wallflower routine of standing back and observing, others will call me out to join in which can be tough considering how draining social gatherings like that can be.

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I want to maintain a level of being invisible. I find out it isn’t always the case. I get noticed. Even though I prefer not to. They want to talk to me and see what my deal is. I won’t let them have it. I made up a story because the truth isn’t interesting enough for me to share.

I make up stories. One of them being I am product of the world. Born between perfect timing to challenge the world with my existence. I remain loose footed showing the world of love and kindness. Another one I will start I am part of the JPL SCRAM jet project. The last one I tell people that I am a Mormon missionary. I came out of the waste land of Utah and spread the word of Joseph Smith.

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Autumn Sunrise

I can relate to this feeling of invisibility that many of you have experienced. I don't usually enjoy parties or large social gatherings and tend to avoid them. I'm often uncomfortable in larger groups and feel that I'm not really a part of them.

I think I've always been like this but when I try to figure out why, it seems to be a kind of "chicken and egg" situation. Did I become withdrawn because of early experiences of bullying, or did I have a withdrawn nature that "invited" bullying? Did my parents' insistence on compliant behaviour make me a pushover with my peers, or did I naturally withdraw in the face of others' greater assertiveness?

It's probably not an Ace thing, although . . . do humans have pheromones, like animals, that assist in finding mates, and do Aces lack these pheromones, resulting in a kind of social "blankness" or invisibility? (I haven't heard of much research being done into this.)

And another question that occurs to me, since a lot of Aces seem to be Aspie, at least to some degree - could this invisibility sometimes be somehow related to that?

On a positive note, I guess one of the great benefits of online communities like AVEN is that they give members a sense of belonging and a chance to have their say and be heard/noticed :)

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I can relate to the feeling invisible (in general, not just at parties) too. Not as much as it used to be, but deff still there.

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Insert_cool_name_here

Thanks for all the replies, everyone. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who's experienced this, whether it's to do with asexuality or not. Hugs, sympathy and cake to anyone who's ever been upset by it.

For me personally I think it may be related to asexuality in certain circumstances. Like Agape, I do fine in group work at uni, or at Taekwon-Do, or anywhere where we have something focused to discuss that's not sexual. The invisibility tends to kick in more in social situations. Things quickly turn towards "who got with who last nigt, who d'you think is hot, OMG you two should totally get together!" and other such things that I don't understand. I kinda enjoy listening but I haven't a clue what to contribute except "I'm ace so I can't relate to a thing you are saying..." I think this is why I tend to dissappear. It's not because I'm ace directly, it's because I have little to say because I'm ace. Thanks for helping me figure it out! :)

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So, first of all hello! I've been a lurker here for the past few months while trying to understand myself and my aceness better, but I've decided it's time to be confident and start talking to people rather than just reading. Here goes!

My question is this: has anyone else ever been sat with a group of sexual people and felt totally invisible to them? Because it seems to happen to me quite regularly. I'll be at a party or something and be enjoying the atmosphere and general converstion when I'll realise nobody has spoken directly to me or approached me for the whole evening. It doesn't really bother me; I have friends that I socialise with in small groups, but there does seem to be some sort of social "vibe" that I don't quite get. I'm quite quiet anyway though, so I can't tell if it's just that or if it's mixed up with my asexuality. Any ideas folks?

Well I'm the same. But I don't know if it has anything to do with me being asexual. Probably has more to do with me being quiet, as you said, and shy. But of course the fact that I have nothing to contribute to those "who is your celebrity crush?/do you find so and so hotter than such and such?" conversations can't help my case XD

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bittersweet988

Group work at uni was nice :) I always felt nervous, but I kind of enjoyed it...although I had a feeling nobody liked my ideas lol but I am very good at listening and accepting people's ideas I guess, so I always managed to do fine in group work.

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I can relate to the feeling invisible (in general, not just at parties) too. Not as much as it used to be, but deff still there.

>_>

o_o

Who said that?

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I feel invisible all the time, but the majority of it is my doing. I'm an introvert and have been ever since I was a small child, so I'm not the type to make efforts to get to know people or to let them get to know me. I prefer to be alone as much as I can be, and the times when I have to be around people, I am quiet, reserved, and not paying attention to much beyond what I need to be working on at the time.

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Yeah, sometimes I do. But like others, I'm not entirely sure it's ace vibes or just that I'm a shy introvert.

There was one time I actually started to believe I really had become invisible. On a hot afternoon I'd gone to the ice cream shop, got in line and everything. And as I got toward the front, the two workers skipped over me several times to take the next customer's order. It got to the point where I actually turned around to see if I had a reflection in the glass window. It was odd because with just two workers, the next customer in line should be the one without ice cream or wallet in hand and was ready to make eye contact with the worker. The customers who were behind me in line didn't even seem to notice they'd been served before their time, either. Finally one of the workers really looked at me and apologized. I guess my perception filter that I got from the Tardis must have finally worn off.

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I also have this "talent" of going unnoticed in social situations (which I don't consider a bad thing, become "invisible" has helped me avoid some trouble in the past), it's like putting on a cloaking device. I can relate to that, but as others already said, I think it's rather an introvert thing.

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Oh yea me too. I feel invisible most of the time because for the majority of people, especially at my age, the main goal is to be in a romantic relationship and discuss about romance. Since I can't contribute to the discussion, I'm usually ignored. So in a way, it's connected to my asexuality. It doesn't help that I'm also an introvert.

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AlwaysADreamer

In a sense I feel invisible. I mean, I am quite introverted, and that might have something to do with it. I swear, I think it's an accident I even have friends (kidding, on that point). But I often feel like I don't even pop up on anyone's radar. Sometimes it's a good thing, other times it's annoying.

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Yeah, sometimes I do. But like others, I'm not entirely sure it's ace vibes or just that I'm a shy introvert.

There was one time I actually started to believe I really had become invisible. On a hot afternoon I'd gone to the ice cream shop, got in line and everything. And as I got toward the front, the two workers skipped over me several times to take the next customer's order. It got to the point where I actually turned around to see if I had a reflection in the glass window. It was odd because with just two workers, the next customer in line should be the one without ice cream or wallet in hand and was ready to make eye contact with the worker. The customers who were behind me in line didn't even seem to notice they'd been served before their time, either. Finally one of the workers really looked at me and apologized. I guess my perception filter that I got from the Tardis must have finally worn off.

I've had something like this happen. It was really disconcerting.

It's funny, at work sometimes the manager will go around handing things out to people, going in a row, and completely pass me by. It really makes you wonder sometimes. And in social situations I'm pretty much invisible, which sucks. I'm a shy extrovert with no social skills :/

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