Befriending/dating someone racist

[Kanenas]

I met someone new, he is a great guy. He asked a question which led to me sharing an experience I had. So tell him how I once went out with a girl who all of a sudden very casually started dropping bombs on me. We met once before and she seemed nice. Half an hour into the night and terrible prejudiced racist opinions start to show. I had the urge to let her know very clearly that I don't want to be associated with her.

He said to me "I would have done it differently. You should not write someone off because they say negative things. Write them off when you see that they do not want to change". What do you think? Just never saw it that way. I avoid people who spew racist nonsense like the plague that they are because I don't want them to drain me. Of course all of us can leave a terrible first impression somehow. But I think racism is a step way too far. It's not my job (or a scenario that is even possible, I think) to transform a comfortably racist person into a mindful cosmopolitan. But I do see his point.

[Guest]

I've met a lot of people who say racist things without even realizing how bad what they are saying is. I know, it seems COMPLETELY obvious that spewing hateful garbage out of your mouth would be bad, right? But, they grew up around it, their friends all do it, their family does it, etc so it's just the speech pattern they learned from infancy and never thought about and when confronted with "You know, those things you say could REALLY hurt someone if they heard you" their reaction is "Oh. :o "

Of course, then there are people who just don't care.

So... I give people the benefit of the doubt, when I can. If they don't care that what they are saying is hurtful and considered slurs then, I have little interest.

[Rising Sun]

I understand why he says this. Each situation is individual.

I had a friend who I discovered was racist. She explained me that it happened after she got assaulted by a group of black neighbours. She told me later that she went on an extreme right-wing forum later and she left it when she heard other members mentioning extermination of Jews, Muslims and PoC, as she was really shocked by that. She isn't a bad person, she's more lost.

OTOH, when I discovered that another friend of mine said that Hitler's Germany wasn't so bad, that Muslims should be all killed and that I was a bad person for disagreeing with her and trying to reason her, all my friendship for her instantly disappeared.

Same thing as for my second "friend" with another "friend" who seemed nice but who had respect only for human life, but no respect for animal life nor for the Earth despite being very spiritual, especially when she tried to convert me to her views.

Now things are different because I've become much pickier when it comes to friends and I just don't invest my energy in something that may fail. I stay detached from people I don't really know and who may have horrible ideologies. I wait to know more about them first.

[Scottthespy]

I've known some racists in my day, and let me tell you...its possible for them to still be good people. Odd as that sounds.

My grandparents on my mother's side were racist. My mother discovered this shortly after I was born. How do you raise four kids to be open minded despite honestly believing black people are beneath you? How do you take four veitnamese families escaping hostile conditions as refugees into your home and treat them with every dignity and empowering thing they need to get back on their feet? I don't know, but they did it. They were amazing people, who kept their hatred to themselves and did great works for those they secretly thought of as less than themselves.

Now, due to...recent happenings between Canada and some Middle Eastern countries, and also some specific extremist groups, my mother has discovered that SHE has become racist against all 'brown people'. All it takes is a gentle reminder to check herself to make her cautiously extend the benifit of the doubt to individuals who've yet to prove themselves 'bad people'.

A good friend of mine who lives a few hours north of me is redneck in the extreme and has a lot of issues with...everybody. His family, his town, women in general, all nationalities, first nations people, himSELF...but he has a good heart and a logical mind behind all that pre programmed bigotry, and over the last two years I've gotten him to like himself, stop hating women based on the actions of a few particularly bitchy hicks(or hicky bitches?), mostly forgive his family, and stop using horribly rasist terms to describe 'any one who's not white'. He still has his angry moments of 'let the world burn', but he's a work in progress, and he's letting his logic speak a lot more than his hate these days.

If you give some people a chance, they'll surprise you. Sometimes it'll even be a nice surprise.

[Zapstileon]

It varies. I love discussions and debates, so personally, I'd take them up on it. Okay, so you believe X about Y group of people? Back it up, love, and not with personal experiences, because you might just have a real talent for finding bad examples of Y group of people. I believe what the quote says: "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke

Maybe it's not my job to educate someone about why skin colour is no indication as to the character of a person, but you know, I enjoy doing it, so I'll do it anyway. Some people are honestly too thick to be educated, in which case, back away or things can get nasty. But usually, a good long discussion helps. I can usually be acquainted with anyone who at least tolerates my opinions. I find that if someone is racist, it is important to understand that however unreasonable that opinion is, it is still an opinion, and the person is still entitled to voice it. I won't agree with it, but I will listen. Probably. Unless they phrase it in the "I believe it so therefore, the world has to." Then I won't even bother. It depends a lot on how aggressive the other person is, really. But I like to give people a chance.

[Kanenas]

I understand. My grandparents also were very racist people without even thinking about it. It was not evil intent, it was pure ignorance. Not less disgusting than hate, though.

The situation I spoke about, well I was so put off because the girl said "Immigrants are gross. I guess having only one foreign parent is better, but I don't talk to full immigrants". Eww, eww, eww. I found her physically attractive before. All of a sudden, not anymore.

[Tarfeather]

Somehow these problems never come up for me.. I guess the advantage of being really weird and awkward is that prejudiced bigots don't want anything to do with me to begin with. Oh, being male is probably also a factor. I'm sure if I were a hot female the bigoted idiots would be all after me. Sometimes it actually seems like a good thing that I'm not.

[butterflydreams]

As someone with a best friend who often says incredibly racist, bigoted things, my take on it is to reserve judgement for at least a little while. His personality was a little hard to understand, but after getting to know him, it was clear that he only said those things to get a rise out of people. He didn't believe them for one second. I found that to be quite endearing actually. People shove that stuff under the rug so much, or badger the hell out of someone who dares to even mention it. Sometimes it can be very refreshing to have it shoved at you so blatantly. It reminds you that, "hey, these are just things someone is saying. They don't really hold any innate power. Only the power that we ascribe to them."

I think it's all about someone's actions in cases like this. People can even hold extremely racist opinions and really believe them. As long as they don't inflict those beliefs on others, I've got no problem with it. That's not to say that I'd be platonically/romantically compatible with a person like that, but I don't mind that they hold those opinions. When you start to have a problem with someone just because they hold some opinion, I think you end up treading dangerously close to thought policing.

[ShyFeather]

My approach to racism or just discrimination in general is a bit strange, but I've found it helps me a lot. Basically I believe everyone is racist. I'm racist, you're racist, everyone is. There are certainly degrees of it and how we express it, but I believe it comes from humans innately categorizing the world and being more fearful of what is more foreign to them. This helps me because I'm not going to push off any thoughts with the reasoning that, 'I can't be possibly racist.' I'm honest with myself and it gives me a lot of opportunities improve and understand myself. It also helps with interacting with people because I will always be as equally flawed as everyone else. Things people say don't hurt me because I know that person has flaws just like I do and have their own journey to deal with those flaws. So then instead of focusing on the negative parts of a person I look at their good parts because that's really what makes them unique. And then if those topics come up, I tell them about this mindset I have. They usually look at me strange but I've noticed they give it a lot of thought because many people never heard of thinking of things that way.

And this I use with all discrimination, so I'm also sexist, ableist, and acephobic :)

[- Ętc -]

The only people I really dislike are bigots, those with little/no empathy, people that are very derogatory, and people that are cruel, oppressive, and/or violent. And while you can/should be open to the idea that people can change, it isn't your responsibility (or right) to do so - people have to take responsibility for themselves, and have every right to be who they are (as long as they're not actually hurting anyone) even if you (and likely others, understandably) don't agree with them. Though you can and should share your thoughts/views/perspective and encourage someone's constructive potential, it's not only usually a waste of time/energy but also degrading to a person's individuality to actually try and change them because it inherently implies that you think your perspective/etc is more valid than theirs (which is the very definition of elitism and bigotry) - and while in the case of bigots/etc I'd tend to agree that their opinions are narrow/ignorant/stupid, part of having liberty/diversity (without which the world would be terribly lacking, and likely stagnant) is that we won't always like or agree with everyone we meet in every respect..and as right as one person feels their views are, people with divergent or opposing views usually feel the same about theirs (and have every right to, as long as they're not hurting anyone or inciting others to). You can try to educate, but can't and shouldn't force your individual perspective/views on anyone (that's as much elitist bigotry as anything else) - the world isn't and shouldn't be uniform and we can't only respect individuality/diversity when we agree with it.

[Scottthespy]

I understand. My grandparents also were very racist people without even thinking about it. It was not evil intent, it was pure ignorance. Not less disgusting than hate, though.

The situation I spoke about, well I was so put off because the girl said "Immigrants are gross. I guess having only one foreign parent is better, but I don't talk to full immigrants". Eww, eww, eww. I found her physically attractive before. All of a sudden, not anymore.

If someone is born in...most countries, from what I know...to one or two people who legally immigrated, then that baby is NOT an immigrant. They're a first generation citizen. Parentage has nothing to do with immigrant status. This person's logic was legally flawed as well as offputting.

[Rising Sun]

And what's really sad is that most immigrants choose a particular country because they like it, and they're very patriotic.

[Kanenas]

Yes Scott, in most cases. Not where I live. But that's absolutely irrelevant, as that "logic" is very off putting, like you said!

[Robin L]

My approach to racism or just discrimination in general is a bit strange, but I've found it helps me a lot. Basically I believe everyone is racist. I'm racist, you're racist, everyone is. There are certainly degrees of it and how we express it, but I believe it comes from humans innately categorizing the world and being more fearful of what is more foreign to them.

I do agree that everyone is innately racist. Non-racist people merely override the thoughts.

[Kanenas]

I absolutely agree with the gist, but I'd word it entirely differently. All of us have prejudices towards things and people we are not familiar with. Thankfully many of us are sensitive enough to realize that and do not get stuck in this negative mindset. Look, I have a very strong Antifa background for a reason. I can judge people on their acts and even on their thoughts. But thinking of someone as less because of their complexion, hair texture, phenotype, ethnicity, "race", or complete nonsense such as nationality or birth certificate, to me, is complete lack of cognitive functions. I have prejudices like anybody else, but I would look into any pair of eyes on this planet as I say that I believe we are all born equal.

TLDR; I am a prejudiced little shit, but not a racist little shit.

[bittersweet988]

Well, knowing someone is racist makes me not want to date them. We wouldn't get along.

[LeaveOnYourColours]

I am very culturally mixed. So I'm "the black girl who talks like a white girl". When I went to a predominantly black school I got that statement a lot. Some meant it as a compliment I think...

I really don't feel comfortable with racism. My grandmother is classist and a bit racist, I call her a "closet racist" because she'll rarely talk about it. She has a HUGE thing against Asians which just trips me out, I can't stand it.

So could I date someone like that? Probably not. Haha they probably wouldn't want to date someone "beneath them". If they made a comment that seemed a little prejudice, be it racist, misogynist, classist, whatever, I'd check them. Say hey, basically that was out of line as shit and untrue and hurtful. If they see how it could be those things, cool.

But I know one thing, I'm not here to change people. That's a sad business.

If people can think negatively of whole groups of people, most of whom they don't even know, what did they think about me before they knew me?

[Zerο]

Shrug, it's up to every individual if they want the time investment. Me? I'll pass, I'm not looking for a project or obvious source of discontent.

[Kanenas]

I always automatically build a massive wall between me and someone who is in any way xenophobic. I like what this new acquaintance of mine said, it really made me think. He speaks out of kindness. But where to draw the line? When do you determine whether someone can or even wants to change for the better? So I am not sure whether his plan is anything but a waste of time and emotions.

[shockkkk]

It depends. I have one friend who has some less than noble views towards the native population here, but I put with it because he has other redeeming qualities. It really comes down to how big a deal it is for you, and how much you like the person otherwise.

[AlexPeyton]

I literally asked my friend this the other day as I started seeing someone who made a racist comment. The funny thing is they're an immigrant, Polish to be exact and has only been in the country for a year..

I live in a city where 58% of the population is White British/Irish and most of the ethnic minority are Asian groups (Indian, Pakistani) and mostly Muslims. We take pride in being very multicultural, and I've always surrounded myself with open-minded, non racist people and the majority of my friends are Muslim, so it really surprised me that they were so openly racist (it was nothing AWFUL, just an ignorant racist joke) but it took me a back and really made me question them as I've always said I'd never date a racist person.

That said, I've took it into account and I'm waiting to see if they say anything else. If it's anything more sinister and is actually hate preaching then I defo will stop seeing them, but a bit of ignorance (in a new country where they're still trying to fit in) is slightly understandable.

[Augustus]

He's right: give people the chance to change. Do you honestly expect racism to go away by doing anything else?

[Gabriella]

Its definitely not your job to enlighten anyone on their own bigotry. In your shoes I may have challenged them, argued, but if they didn't change their tune and back down I wouldn't have invested any more time in them.

I'm hispanic and I have asian and black family members, so it would just make me uncomfortable. That said, my father is very racist and I understand having to deal with the ignorance of people you care for. But to willfully spend time with someone obviously racist? No. There are so many decent and interesting people in the world.

[Augustus]

A lot of the most decent and interesting people in the world have had their own shortcomings and only grew out of them because they were given a chance. Take American politician George Wallace for example. He was perhaps one of the most powerful supporters of segregation, but he ultimately changed his ways and renounced his racist views, realizing that he had been in the wrong.